MIL mad that we want to host Thanksgiving

[Anonymous]

Does your husband's mother still live in the home he grew up in? This could also be about gathering together in a place with many family memories.

And in regards to the post above about control, to be fair, that goes both ways. Sending invitations seven months in advance can also be seen as a way of controlling where everyone goes for Thanksgiving.

[Anonymous]

My MIL hosts Thanksgiving. Period. End of Story. When she is dead someone else can host. This seems to work for my in laws. Sure I'd like to host but it isn't worth the fight. So I pick another day (a few months later) and invite the whole family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL hosts Thanksgiving. Period. End of Story. When she is dead someone else can host. This seems to work for my in laws. Sure I'd like to host but it isn't worth the fight. So I pick another day (a few months later) and invite the whole family.

And? That's what works best for you. This isn't what works best for OP or her husband, so they're working their way into something that does work for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband's mother still live in the home he grew up in? This could also be about gathering together in a place with many family memories.

And in regards to the post above about control, to be fair, that goes both ways. Sending invitations seven months in advance can also be seen as a way of controlling where everyone goes for Thanksgiving.

OP here. Yes, she still lives in that home. But rather the point is that my husband and I--and other members of the family--want to make some new memories and traditions.

Again, I'm only trying to control what we can control: we are hosting Thanksgiving in our own home. For the first time as a married couple, in seven YEARS. Others are welcome, and it would be lovely to have them, but even if they all end up at MIL's, that's fine with us. We are discontinuing our participation in an unfair dynamic that we dislike and frankly resent. We will still come to MIL's for some holidays, but not ALL, and others can do as they wish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband's mother still live in the home he grew up in? This could also be about gathering together in a place with many family memories.

And in regards to the post above about control, to be fair, that goes both ways. Sending invitations seven months in advance can also be seen as a way of controlling where everyone goes for Thanksgiving.

OP here. Yes, she still lives in that home. But rather the point is that my husband and I--and other members of the family--want to make some new memories and traditions.

Again, I'm only trying to control what we can control: we are hosting Thanksgiving in our own home. For the first time as a married couple, in seven YEARS. Others are welcome, and it would be lovely to have them, but even if they all end up at MIL's, that's fine with us. We are discontinuing our participation in an unfair dynamic that we dislike and frankly resent. We will still come to MIL's for some holidays, but not ALL, and others can do as they wish.

It sounds like there is more going on then just wanting to have everyone at your house. When you write about, "unfair dynamic that we dislike and frankly resent," it sounds as though you are unhappy to have to spend time with her. This might work out as a way to avoid her presence every other year if she decides to continue to have a Thanksgiving meal at her house.

On the alternate years, does your family typically have dinner at your house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband's mother still live in the home he grew up in? This could also be about gathering together in a place with many family memories.

And in regards to the post above about control, to be fair, that goes both ways. Sending invitations seven months in advance can also be seen as a way of controlling where everyone goes for Thanksgiving.

OP here. Yes, she still lives in that home. But rather the point is that my husband and I--and other members of the family--want to make some new memories and traditions.

Again, I'm only trying to control what we can control: we are hosting Thanksgiving in our own home. For the first time as a married couple, in seven YEARS. Others are welcome, and it would be lovely to have them, but even if they all end up at MIL's, that's fine with us. We are discontinuing our participation in an unfair dynamic that we dislike and frankly resent. We will still come to MIL's for some holidays, but not ALL, and others can do as they wish.

It sounds like there is more going on then just wanting to have everyone at your house. When you write about, "unfair dynamic that we dislike and frankly resent," it sounds as though you are unhappy to have to spend time with her. This might work out as a way to avoid her presence every other year if she decides to continue to have a Thanksgiving meal at her house.

On the alternate years, does your family typically have dinner at your house?

We do generally get along. We visit, she visits, we vacation together, and calls/FaceTime every weekend. Please don't try to make it about more than it's about.

But you know what, it's OK to be frustrated about a frustrating dynamic: that we like to cook and host, we want to make those memories in our home, and in seven years of marriage--averaging about two holidays per year with each "side" of the family--we have been "allowed" to host ONE Easter. That is one holiday out of roughly 14, OK? For people who like to cook and host and have overnight guests, that is a frustrating dynamic. I'm not upset that she sent us a gift or complimented my lipstick; I'm frustrated about a frustrating dynamic, and I have every right to my feelings. Not to mention we have only celebrated birthdays at my BIL/SIL's house. They, too, have a lovely home and are good hosts and cooks, and I know for a fact they actively want a turn hosting, too.

And to your other point: when it's "my family's" turn, we all rotate hosting--with my parents, my aunt, and my sister/her family. It's balanced, and everyone is both a great guest and a great host. It's about sharing, and enjoying each other's hospitality and company, and being together.

[Anonymous]

For those of you on team MIL, when does OP get to host? When MIL is in a nursing home? What if Op’s kids are then married and want to host themselves? It’s perfectly natural for adults to want a turn to host a major holiday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband's mother still live in the home he grew up in? This could also be about gathering together in a place with many family memories.

And in regards to the post above about control, to be fair, that goes both ways. Sending invitations seven months in advance can also be seen as a way of controlling where everyone goes for Thanksgiving.

OP here. Yes, she still lives in that home. But rather the point is that my husband and I--and other members of the family--want to make some new memories and traditions.

Again, I'm only trying to control what we can control: we are hosting Thanksgiving in our own home. For the first time as a married couple, in seven YEARS. Others are welcome, and it would be lovely to have them, but even if they all end up at MIL's, that's fine with us. We are discontinuing our participation in an unfair dynamic that we dislike and frankly resent. We will still come to MIL's for some holidays, but not ALL, and others can do as they wish.

It sounds like there is more going on then just wanting to have everyone at your house. When you write about, "unfair dynamic that we dislike and frankly resent," it sounds as though you are unhappy to have to spend time with her. This might work out as a way to avoid her presence every other year if she decides to continue to have a Thanksgiving meal at her house.

On the alternate years, does your family typically have dinner at your house?

We do generally get along. We visit, she visits, we vacation together, and calls/FaceTime every weekend. Please don't try to make it about more than it's about.

But you know what, it's OK to be frustrated about a frustrating dynamic: that we like to cook and host, we want to make those memories in our home, and in seven years of marriage--averaging about two holidays per year with each "side" of the family--we have been "allowed" to host ONE Easter. That is one holiday out of roughly 14, OK? For people who like to cook and host and have overnight guests, that is a frustrating dynamic. I'm not upset that she sent us a gift or complimented my lipstick; I'm frustrated about a frustrating dynamic, and I have every right to my feelings. Not to mention we have only celebrated birthdays at my BIL/SIL's house. They, too, have a lovely home and are good hosts and cooks, and I know for a fact they actively want a turn hosting, too.

And to your other point: when it's "my family's" turn, we all rotate hosting--with my parents, my aunt, and my sister/her family. It's balanced, and everyone is both a great guest and a great host. It's about sharing, and enjoying each other's hospitality and company, and being together.

*OP here, but I'm sure that was obvious!

[Anonymous]

OP, you have taken control and shown her who's boss. You're making her dance to your tune now, see how she likes it.

[Anonymous]

I’m team OP, especially since your husband is onboard. I’m not sure why everyone is making this a big deal. It’s not an unreasonable request. You are allowed to make your own memories.

How many of you think her MIL waited until her MIL was dead or feeble before she hosted??

Selfish parents are the worst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those of you on team MIL, when does OP get to host? When MIL is in a nursing home? What if Op’s kids are then married and want to host themselves? It’s perfectly natural for adults to want a turn to host a major holiday.

If MIL is especially attached to Thanksgiving, it would be kind to let her host. OP can do Christmas, New Years, or Easter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have taken control and shown her who's boss. You're making her dance to your tune now, see how she likes it.

Oh, tone it down. OP and her husband are setting a reasonable boundary--they will not be showing up to each and every holiday at MIL's home; sometimes, they will be celebrating in their own home, and all are welcome. If OP were taking the hard line that "You're done, MIL! It's our house now and forever!" that would be one thing. That isn't what's going on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When H and I first got married 10 years ago we knew we wanted children but not for a few years. While looking to buy we came across a house we fell in love with and we snapped it up. Not far from the city and we got a really good deal. It's a beautiful 4 bedroom house with a nice yard.

Ever since we bought that house H and I have hosted almost every TG and Christmas. The family wants it at our house because it's big. No one wants to offer up their place in the city because its too small. I think they just don't want to deal with the headache of hosting and they have gotten used to me doing it.

Last year H and I said no more. We let the family know LAST year that we would not be hosting any holidays for a few years. I would have given anything for someone to take it off my hands. My family is mad as hell but I don't give a damn. H, the kids and I are traveling for Christmas this year and we are having Xmas eve and Xmas dinner at a restaurant. I can hardly wait.

I don’t understand how’s they can be MAD. Disappointed, maybe, but how can they be MAD that you are tired of the work and expense of hosting? Can’t they understand that it’s your holiday, too, and you might like to relax instead of working like a dog? Good for you for making a change. Too bad they didn’t rise to the occasion by thanking you for hosting all these years and extending you an invitation to their house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you on team MIL, when does OP get to host? When MIL is in a nursing home? What if Op’s kids are then married and want to host themselves? It’s perfectly natural for adults to want a turn to host a major holiday.

If MIL is especially attached to Thanksgiving, it would be kind to let her host. OP can do Christmas, New Years, or Easter.

Based on what? What are you basing this on? OP and her husband have hosted one Easter out of more than a dozen hosting opportunities. How are you figuring that Thanksgiving is MIL's favorite/special holiday? How do you know that her friends aren't also guests at Christmas, Fourth of July BBQ, etc?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When H and I first got married 10 years ago we knew we wanted children but not for a few years. While looking to buy we came across a house we fell in love with and we snapped it up. Not far from the city and we got a really good deal. It's a beautiful 4 bedroom house with a nice yard.

Ever since we bought that house H and I have hosted almost every TG and Christmas. The family wants it at our house because it's big. No one wants to offer up their place in the city because its too small. I think they just don't want to deal with the headache of hosting and they have gotten used to me doing it.

Last year H and I said no more. We let the family know LAST year that we would not be hosting any holidays for a few years. I would have given anything for someone to take it off my hands. My family is mad as hell but I don't give a damn. H, the kids and I are traveling for Christmas this year and we are having Xmas eve and Xmas dinner at a restaurant. I can hardly wait.

I don’t understand how’s they can be MAD. Disappointed, maybe, but how can they be MAD that you are tired of the work and expense of hosting? Can’t they understand that it’s your holiday, too, and you might like to relax instead of working like a dog? Good for you for making a change. Too bad they didn’t rise to the occasion by thanking you for hosting all these years and extending you an invitation to their house.

+1