MIL mad that we want to host Thanksgiving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you are someday at your in-laws' funerals, you can be proud to look back and think about how you put them in their place about having their adult kids with them for holidays. You are sure showing them who's boss!

or the in laws may be grateful later.

Honestly, if MIL has more than 2 married children, and the spouses have more than one sibling, you can't expect MIL to have everyone at multiple holidays every year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be very surprised if someone sent an invitation for Thanksgiving dinner in April and I probably would not want to commit myself so far ahead of time. People don't send out wedding invitations this early, and a wedding is a much bigger event than a Thanksgiving dinner.

In a lot of families, the norm is for the younger generation to gather at the home of the older generation until the older generation is past the point of being able to handle the cooking and cleaning involved.

It seems unusual to invite people to a holiday dinner so many months ahead of time. Is the rest of the family aware that this invitation was issued without checking with the usual host family first?

Customarily from my part of the US, the older generation looks forward to when someone in the next generation hosts. It's a sign that they've successfully launched their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be very surprised if someone sent an invitation for Thanksgiving dinner in April and I probably would not want to commit myself so far ahead of time. People don't send out wedding invitations this early, and a wedding is a much bigger event than a Thanksgiving dinner.

In a lot of families, the norm is for the younger generation to gather at the home of the older generation until the older generation is past the point of being able to handle the cooking and cleaning involved.

It seems unusual to invite people to a holiday dinner so many months ahead of time. Is the rest of the family aware that this invitation was issued without checking with the usual host family first?

Customarily from my part of the US, the older generation looks forward to when someone in the next generation hosts. It's a sign that they've successfully launched their kids.

No kidding! After a million holidays where I have borne the lion's share of expense, cleaning, cooking and effort, I will be thrilled to be a guest. Happy to bring a pie!

[Anonymous]

Enjoy, OP! Good for you for doing what your nuclear family wants to do. It’s good to mix it up!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it just his parents? Who else is invited?

OP here. I should have mentioned—BIL and his wife and two kids are coming and staying overnight. DH’s single cousin is coming, he can bring friends if he wants. DH aunt and uncle also coming. DH’s parents could also stay overnight with us if they choose to. We also have 2 kids.

Great. Sounds like a lovely Thanksgiving with a full house.

1. MIL & FIL>2.5 to 3 hours away
2, their peer group friends>same area as MIL 2.5 to 3 hours away
3. BIL-wife-2 kids>staying overnight so they are not local. Same general area as MIL?
4. DH uncle and aunt>same general area as MIL?
5. DH single cousin plus friends>lives where? Near MIL? Local for OP?

If OP's family is the only unit that lives near OP the real question is do most of these people go to MIL's? If they're scattered it might actually be more convenient and shorter travel for most to go to OP's instead of MIL's. Who's house is the least travel for this group?

OP here.

1) MIL (no FIL) 2.5-3 hours away, but it's only her; so if you factor in that my family of four wouldn't have to travel, point goes to us

2) MIL's friends, about 2.5-3 hours away; they are fit and well-traveled and easygoing, so point goes to her

3) BIL/wife/2 kids about 45 minutes closer to us, and we have better overnight set-up for them; point goes to us

4) DH aunt and uncle--almost equidistant, but just for devil's advocate's sake, point goes to her

5) DH's cousin only 20 mintues from us, and whomever he brings likely much closer to us as well; point goes to us

So if you break it down that way, it makes sense for us to host, logistically.

So split up. Both of you host and let people decide which is most convenient. Then she can be angry at others!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be very surprised if someone sent an invitation for Thanksgiving dinner in April and I probably would not want to commit myself so far ahead of time. People don't send out wedding invitations this early, and a wedding is a much bigger event than a Thanksgiving dinner.

In a lot of families, the norm is for the younger generation to gather at the home of the older generation until the older generation is past the point of being able to handle the cooking and cleaning involved.

It seems unusual to invite people to a holiday dinner so many months ahead of time. Is the rest of the family aware that this invitation was issued without checking with the usual host family first?

Customarily from my part of the US, the older generation looks forward to when someone in the next generation hosts. It's a sign that they've successfully launched their kids.

Yes, but usually they are older than their 60s when this happens, unless they have medical problems, of course. People in their 60s in my family have been very healthy and love to have their families in their homes for traditional holidays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be very surprised if someone sent an invitation for Thanksgiving dinner in April and I probably would not want to commit myself so far ahead of time. People don't send out wedding invitations this early, and a wedding is a much bigger event than a Thanksgiving dinner.

In a lot of families, the norm is for the younger generation to gather at the home of the older generation until the older generation is past the point of being able to handle the cooking and cleaning involved.

It seems unusual to invite people to a holiday dinner so many months ahead of time. Is the rest of the family aware that this invitation was issued without checking with the usual host family first?

It wasn't; that's not what happened.

Customarily from my part of the US, the older generation looks forward to when someone in the next generation hosts. It's a sign that they've successfully launched their kids.

Yes, but usually they are older than their 60s when this happens, unless they have medical problems, of course. People in their 60s in my family have been very healthy and love to have their families in their homes for traditional holidays.

Sure, but they can't reasonably expect to be the ONLY household that is "allowed" to host holidays. My 70yo parents hosted Thanksgiving last year, but they'll be traveling here for it this year; they hosted Easter this year, but the year before that, a few of their local friends hosted a meal at a restaurant.

[Anonymous]

I've never understood why some people--from whatever age/generation--don't understand two things:

1) Many people want to host, at least occasionally, so the right thing to do is take turns

2) If someone has a bigger/more comfortable house, it's a factor. It's not the deciding factor, but it's a factor, especially if there are young kids and overnight visits involved. It's not something to get all hurt over, it's just a matter of logistics. So maybe the smaller house can host something like Easter, and the bigger house can host the overnight trips like Christmas and Thanksgiving. It's not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be very surprised if someone sent an invitation for Thanksgiving dinner in April and I probably would not want to commit myself so far ahead of time. People don't send out wedding invitations this early, and a wedding is a much bigger event than a Thanksgiving dinner.

In a lot of families, the norm is for the younger generation to gather at the home of the older generation until the older generation is past the point of being able to handle the cooking and cleaning involved.

It seems unusual to invite people to a holiday dinner so many months ahead of time. Is the rest of the family aware that this invitation was issued without checking with the usual host family first?

Customarily from my part of the US, the older generation looks forward to when someone in the next generation hosts. It's a sign that they've successfully launched their kids.

Yes, but usually they are older than their 60s when this happens, unless they have medical problems, of course. People in their 60s in my family have been very healthy and love to have their families in their homes for traditional holidays.

Depends on the person. I know people in their 40s/50s ready to give it up.

[Anonymous]

What I never understand in these dynamics is why everyone is so eager to host. It's a lot of damn work.

When I am older, I will happily let my kids host. Would love every minute of it, in fact. Arrive, drink, eat, socialize, do perfunctory assistance to clean up, leave.

Sounds like a dream come true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What I never understand in these dynamics is why everyone is so eager to host. It's a lot of damn work.

When I am older, I will happily let my kids host. Would love every minute of it, in fact. Arrive, drink, eat, socialize, do perfunctory assistance to clean up, leave.

Sounds like a dream come true.

My issue is that I don't want to spend the night. I love to host, and don't mind it when other people host but OMFG if I have to spend another Wednesday-Sunday at my inlaws for Thanksgiving I feel like I might go insane. There are now 9 of us in a 3/2 house with seating for 4 (rest of us eat on fold up chairs). If I could just go, socialize, eat and leave it would be a dream come true.

[Anonymous]

Just wait until the inlaws and parents downsize and still want to host. They keep pushing how awesome it is to bunk with sleeping bags on their 30+ year old children with infants and toddlers. Just no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I never understand in these dynamics is why everyone is so eager to host. It's a lot of damn work.

When I am older, I will happily let my kids host. Would love every minute of it, in fact. Arrive, drink, eat, socialize, do perfunctory assistance to clean up, leave.

Sounds like a dream come true.

My issue is that I don't want to spend the night. I love to host, and don't mind it when other people host but OMFG if I have to spend another Wednesday-Sunday at my inlaws for Thanksgiving I feel like I might go insane. There are now 9 of us in a 3/2 house with seating for 4 (rest of us eat on fold up chairs). If I could just go, socialize, eat and leave it would be a dream come true.

Yeah, I get it.

My family are stay-in-hotel people. Thank god. Or rent a VRBO. But I understand some people are obsessed with all piling in one house together. Yet another thing I don't understand. You really want to have all these people in your house for days on end and be responsible for feeding them all meals? No thanks. Everyone needs space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just wait until the inlaws and parents downsize and still want to host. They keep pushing how awesome it is to bunk with sleeping bags on their 30+ year old children with infants and toddlers. Just no.

We stay in a hotel nearby. It took them a little bit of getting used to it, but we didn't frame it as a suggestion or a discussion--we simply told them where we'd be staying, and when. Now they love it, because they get great time with the kids, but we all have a bit more breathing room and down time/can stay on a good schedule. And the kids love the pool! My sister's family still stays with them, which is more manageable with four fewer people in the house.

[Anonymous]

I'd just hold your line "Ok MIL, we'll miss you and The Johnsons but we understand you can't come".

If BIL/SIL are really on board, they'll tell her the same thing.

And by Labor Day she'll realize she's lost this battle and come around. She may be pissed, but she'll come.