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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Sounds like your in laws don't actually consider you and DH (or any of your DH's siblings and spouses) to be adults[/quote]

OP here. WOW. Yes I 100% agree. I hadn't thought of that before, but I think that gets to the root of all our issues. We're in our 30s btw. [/quote]

NP. This was the first thing I thought of reading the original post. The ILs refuse to see their adult children and their spouses as adults, hence the bunkroom and imperious decree that everyone will spend every holiday there. Zero sense that adults, with their own complicated lives, are involved here.[/quote]

OP here. I agree and just never thought of it this way. I think this really sums up my feelings about other things as well. I want to assert our own family's independence, vacations, holidays, you name it. DH and I got together very young and it was easy for us to just go along with what they did. Our lives have changed so much in 15 years and now we're crazy busy, have children, weird schedules and inlaws haven't helped or bent how they do things at all. [/quote]

Hey, OP. I'm the poster you're quoting and I so understand where you're coming from! We also married young and I'm convinced the only thing that saved us was living far away in a remote community the first few years we were married. At least in our case we were able to establish our identity separate from our parents; the fact that we frequently got significant snow that made travel from November to April made it so much easier to not travel for holidays. We too are now in our mid 30s and sometimes it is very clear that our parents still don't see us as adults. That our younger sibling all suffer from "failure to launch" to some degree doesn't help. We have to be very strong holding the line and not caving to "but but but!" demands.

We (finally) have a baby and all the parents have just assumed we'll spend Christmas with them. First, ha ha ha, NO, we are spending Christmas day at home exactly as we have for every single Christmas we have been married. Second, my parents are together, but the ILs are divorced. All 3 sets are scattered around. It is simply not possible, and frankly I'm irritated they just assumed we'd come to them, with no discussion. So now we have to "break their heart" and tell them no. They're laying the guilt on thick. We're still not travelling for the holiday. They're the ones creating elaborate fantasies with zero basis in reality. It's their problem.[/quote]

So, I have three kids all MS age - my older brother had children at least ten years before I did - has graduating college this year.  I think because we all married later (or a lot of us) we just were around our families more - we came home for Christmas and Thanksgiving in our 20s and even 30s because our parents were still our primary family  Then, when we got married and had kids - everyone just assumed that parents/grandparents would continue to be the hub.  And when the kids are younger - you accommodate.  You realize as they get older how insane it all is.  My parents never went to their parents for every holiday when they weren't in the same town.  Something about this generation thinks they get the perfect grandparent dream. [/quote]

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