Bday Party Question? Invite just 3-4 out of 9 to sleepover (is it rude?)

[Anonymous]

Polly had a party but excluded some of the girls from only some girls could stay for the sleepover.

Corrected that for you.
Do you ever take one of your kid's friend to a concert or play with you? Just one friend out of several. Were your kid ever invited and gone on a trip with a friend's family?
Kids are capable of understanding that some adults can only handle a certain number of guests. They know whose house can hold a 10 person sleepover and whose can't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Polly had a party but excluded some of the girls from only some girls could stay for the sleepover.

Corrected that for you.
Do you ever take one of your kid's friend to a concert or play with you? Just one friend out of several. Were your kid ever invited and gone on a trip with a friend's family?
Kids are capable of understanding that some adults can only handle a certain number of guests. They know whose house can hold a 10 person sleepover and whose can't.

That's not the same thing. Sure, some of the kids could decline the sleepover portion but in this case it wasn't offered. Nor is it the same as inviting one or a few friends to a concert. Here the celebration here is the party from beginning to end and some kids make the cut for the entire party but others don't based on the level of friendship. Why even invite the kids who don't make the sleepover cut?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Polly had a party but excluded some of the girls from only some girls could stay for the sleepover.

Corrected that for you.
Do you ever take one of your kid's friend to a concert or play with you? Just one friend out of several. Were your kid ever invited and gone on a trip with a friend's family?
Kids are capable of understanding that some adults can only handle a certain number of guests. They know whose house can hold a 10 person sleepover and whose can't.

That's not the same thing. Sure, some of the kids could decline the sleepover portion but in this case it wasn't offered. Nor is it the same as inviting one or a few friends to a concert. Here the celebration here is the party from beginning to end and some kids make the cut for the entire party but others don't based on the level of friendship. Why even invite the kids who don't make the sleepover cut?

Concert can be a celebration. It's not about making a cut. I am sure that girls would love to see everyone sleepover but they understand that parents are not capable of dealing with that much "partying". Even with 9 11 yo girls you need at least one soundproof room for all the screaming that will be going on.
I have not seen kids that age that don't understand limitations of the adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Polly had a party but excluded some of the girls from only some girls could stay for the sleepover.

Corrected that for you.
Do you ever take one of your kid's friend to a concert or play with you? Just one friend out of several. Were your kid ever invited and gone on a trip with a friend's family?
Kids are capable of understanding that some adults can only handle a certain number of guests. They know whose house can hold a 10 person sleepover and whose can't.

That's not the same thing. Sure, some of the kids could decline the sleepover portion but in this case it wasn't offered. Nor is it the same as inviting one or a few friends to a concert. Here the celebration here is the party from beginning to end and some kids make the cut for the entire party but others don't based on the level of friendship. Why even invite the kids who don't make the sleepover cut?

Concert can be a celebration. It's not about making a cut. I am sure that girls would love to see everyone sleepover but they understand that parents are not capable of dealing with that much "partying". Even with 9 11 yo girls you need at least one soundproof room for all the screaming that will be going on.
I have not seen kids that age that don't understand limitations of the adults.

Honestly, I don't think anyone can get through to you how socially clueless you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of my daughter's close friends had a massive party and a handful of girls slept over. It wasn't weird or rude at all. None of the girls discussed it and the kids who slept over had been really good friends for years mixed in with many newer friends from a brand new school.

+1

This is common in my boys circle. They are surprisingly discreet and don't tell others. Parents sneak in overnight gear.

We've been on both sides.

Maybe there's less "mean girl" type stuff amongst boys--but never hard feelings. Hug group of friends with smaller closer subsets.

We’ve done this, but only with 1-2 kids sleeping over. We also were discrete about hiding the sleeping bags. But almost half the party sleeping over is too much in my opinion.

Because you couldn't do it another day?

Honestly I don't really know what's wrong with people like you.

Honestly, why? Why should I have to schedule a separate sleepover AFTER the party is over? Even if the other kids find out about it, this is a small disappointment in the scheme of things. Instead of complaining, YOU can talk to your child about how you cannot always be invited (just has I have with my own and she has lived to tell about it).

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the genesis of the mean girl. Why on earth would I modify what I want to do to accommodate others? You might want to talk to YOUR child about tact, and courtesy and how just because it is your birthday doesn't mean you get to do everything you want. I can see your daughter as the annoying one who is parading around the bar in a tiara and a sash demanding drinks because "ITS MY BIRTHDAY!"

This post made me laugh out loud. You don't know what the eff you're talking about and no exactly nothing about my DD. Just goes to show not to make assumptions. But if you equate this as "exclusion" you have terrible issues. Let me guess, you're the one constantly posting that their obsessing over FB posts of people out with friends and you weren't invited? My DD deals with "exclusion" in a more adult manner than you're representing here.

So according to you it would be totally socially appropriate to invite Harvey, Irma, Maria and Joseph over for dinner at your home and at the conclusion of the meal thank Harvey and Irma for coming with only Maria and Joseph staying for dessert since well, you have known them longer?

Are you being deliberately obtuse? No, it would not be appropriate b/c dessert is part of the meal. The sleepover was not. It was after the "no gifts" party, after I fed them, entertained them, and gave out goodie bags. Everyone had a good time. And two children discretely stayed over (no, I have no way to prove they never found out but I didn't rub it in their faces, the same way I don't talk about other social engagements in front of other adults).

Look, if you want to judge me as a "mean girl" or a bitch or rude or whatever from one decision, that's fine. If I defend myself with examples of my friendships and good things I do (which are many), you'll find some way to complain. It's a no win situation. But, lucky for me, I don't need your approval. It all worked out and i would do it again. You are way, way too invested in your child's social life and way to sensitive to "exclusion." I fundamentally disagree that this was exclusion but so be it. Carry on and flame away.

If dessert is part of the meal, how is the sleepover not part of the party. Come on! In any event, I don't know if you are a good or a bad person, what I do know is that your stace on this is less than kind. Good people don't always do the right thing. The fact that you feel the need to even make mention of the friendships you have and the good things you do means that at some level you know this isn't right or kind. And the definition of "exclusion" is as follows: the act or an instance of excluding or the state of being excluded. Example sentence: Polly had a party but excluded some of the girls from the sleepover.

Thank you for making my point about about the bolded. Instead of getting your panties in a bunch, I suggest you spend some time considering why you're so judgmental over something like this. Because, your vitriol says more about you than it does me. (And, yes, yes, let's dispense with all the clever comebacks I'm envisioning in response to that as a deflection).

As for the rest of your post, the party was over. End of story. You know those "end" times noted in an invitation? Those serve a purpose. The sleepover was a separate thing. This is not hard to understand. I don't find it unkind, rude, or "exclusive" or engaging in "exclusion" any more than if I have a dinner party and only invite a few friends but not others. Have a good night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Polly had a party but excluded some of the girls from only some girls could stay for the sleepover.

Corrected that for you.
Do you ever take one of your kid's friend to a concert or play with you? Just one friend out of several. Were your kid ever invited and gone on a trip with a friend's family?
Kids are capable of understanding that some adults can only handle a certain number of guests. They know whose house can hold a 10 person sleepover and whose can't.

So you would invite other kids for a pre-concert party at home and then only the subset of chosen friends go to the concert?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Polly had a party but excluded some of the girls from only some girls could stay for the sleepover.

Corrected that for you.
Do you ever take one of your kid's friend to a concert or play with you? Just one friend out of several. Were your kid ever invited and gone on a trip with a friend's family?
Kids are capable of understanding that some adults can only handle a certain number of guests. They know whose house can hold a 10 person sleepover and whose can't.

That's not the same thing. Sure, some of the kids could decline the sleepover portion but in this case it wasn't offered. Nor is it the same as inviting one or a few friends to a concert. Here the celebration here is the party from beginning to end and some kids make the cut for the entire party but others don't based on the level of friendship. Why even invite the kids who don't make the sleepover cut?

Concert can be a celebration. It's not about making a cut. I am sure that girls would love to see everyone sleepover but they understand that parents are not capable of dealing with that much "partying". Even with 9 11 yo girls you need at least one soundproof room for all the screaming that will be going on.
I have not seen kids that age that don't understand limitations of the adults.

Honestly, I don't think anyone can get through to you how socially clueless you are.

You do understand that there are multiple people commenting on each side. Socially clueless post topics like "should I cut relationship with my best friends".

[Anonymous]

It was a manipulative ploy by all girls to have all inclusive sleepover, to shame mom into it.

[Anonymous]

The sleepover was a separate thing

No it isn't
I've posted on this thread 1 other time
Many, many posters think it's rude. Very rude
There's a whole chorus of us

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The sleepover was a separate thing

No it isn't
I've posted on this thread 1 other time
Many, many posters think it's rude. Very rude
There's a whole chorus of us

The teens win. Get to have a sleepover for all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I encourage my DD to rsvp NO to this party, whether she was a common guest or a special sleepover guest. I would not want my DD to be friends with this birthday girl.

This. We would probably quietly steer our daughter away from the kind of people who think this is OK.

How often are sleepovers with your kids that sleepover is a big deal. Every weekend there is at least one sleepover.

But don't you see that a birthday party plus a sleepover is different? It is way more exciting for the kids. Either the op's dd invite only the four sleepover friends and not the other five OR have the sleepover another date when it will be seen as a ho-hum event.

No, I don't, they are not 6 year olds. Sleepover after party is absolutely the same as a sleepover a week before or after.

Then only invite the kids you want to sleep over. Are you that desperate for presents? It is wrong and you and your family are rude. If it was done to you than you would think differently. Why would you want to hurt an 11 year old's feelings when it is completely unnecessary? It is kinder not to invite them than to have two different parties.

I am the PP where kids invite themselves to sleep over, plan their party and I just agree to sleepovers. I don't invite anyone, I don't prepare, I am just helping. I don't care how many sleepover. Presents? Where did that come from? [/quote

Are you sure you haven't wandered here by mistake? We are talking about the op's situation which you clearly did not read. You scenerio has nothing to do with what we are discussing. Zero.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people are way to invested in your children's social life.

I know my mother didn't agonize and chest beat over this shit when I was a kid.

Grow up

+100

Everyone experiences getting their feelings hurt. You can't control other people's actions and it's best your child experiences some disappointment in childhood/teens so they aren't hospitalized the first time they do when they flee your protective nest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of my daughter's close friends had a massive party and a handful of girls slept over. It wasn't weird or rude at all. None of the girls discussed it and the kids who slept over had been really good friends for years mixed in with many newer friends from a brand new school.

+1

This is common in my boys circle. They are surprisingly discreet and don't tell others. Parents sneak in overnight gear.

We've been on both sides.

Maybe there's less "mean girl" type stuff amongst boys--but never hard feelings. Hug group of friends with smaller closer subsets.

We’ve done this, but only with 1-2 kids sleeping over. We also were discrete about hiding the sleeping bags. But almost half the party sleeping over is too much in my opinion.

Because you couldn't do it another day?

Honestly I don't really know what's wrong with people like you.

Honestly, why? Why should I have to schedule a separate sleepover AFTER the party is over? Even if the other kids find out about it, this is a small disappointment in the scheme of things. Instead of complaining, YOU can talk to your child about how you cannot always be invited (just has I have with my own and she has lived to tell about it).

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the genesis of the mean girl. Why on earth would I modify what I want to do to accommodate others? You might want to talk to YOUR child about tact, and courtesy and how just because it is your birthday doesn't mean you get to do everything you want. I can see your daughter as the annoying one who is parading around the bar in a tiara and a sash demanding drinks because "ITS MY BIRTHDAY!"

This post made me laugh out loud. You don't know what the eff you're talking about and no exactly nothing about my DD. Just goes to show not to make assumptions. But if you equate this as "exclusion" you have terrible issues. Let me guess, you're the one constantly posting that their obsessing over FB posts of people out with friends and you weren't invited? My DD deals with "exclusion" in a more adult manner than you're representing here.

So according to you it would be totally socially appropriate to invite Harvey, Irma, Maria and Joseph over for dinner at your home and at the conclusion of the meal thank Harvey and Irma for coming with only Maria and Joseph staying for dessert since well, you have known them longer?

Are you being deliberately obtuse? No, it would not be appropriate b/c dessert is part of the meal. The sleepover was not. It was after the "no gifts" party, after I fed them, entertained them, and gave out goodie bags. Everyone had a good time. And two children discretely stayed over (no, I have no way to prove they never found out but I didn't rub it in their faces, the same way I don't talk about other social engagements in front of other adults).

Look, if you want to judge me as a "mean girl" or a bitch or rude or whatever from one decision, that's fine. If I defend myself with examples of my friendships and good things I do (which are many), you'll find some way to complain. It's a no win situation. But, lucky for me, I don't need your approval. It all worked out and i would do it again. You are way, way too invested in your child's social life and way to sensitive to "exclusion." I fundamentally disagree that this was exclusion but so be it. Carry on and flame away.

If dessert is part of the meal, how is the sleepover not part of the party. Come on! In any event, I don't know if you are a good or a bad person, what I do know is that your stace on this is less than kind. Good people don't always do the right thing. The fact that you feel the need to even make mention of the friendships you have and the good things you do means that at some level you know this isn't right or kind. And the definition of "exclusion" is as follows: the act or an instance of excluding or the state of being excluded. Example sentence: Polly had a party but excluded some of the girls from the sleepover.

Thank you for making my point about about the bolded. Instead of getting your panties in a bunch, I suggest you spend some time considering why you're so judgmental over something like this. Because, your vitriol says more about you than it does me. (And, yes, yes, let's dispense with all the clever comebacks I'm envisioning in response to that as a deflection).

As for the rest of your post, the party was over. End of story. You know those "end" times noted in an invitation? Those serve a purpose. The sleepover was a separate thing. This is not hard to understand. I don't find it unkind, rude, or "exclusive" or engaging in "exclusion" any more than if I have a dinner party and only invite a few friends but not others. Have a good night.

Not the pp you were arguing with but I do want to ask you something: Why so insulting to the parents who say it is rude? I"m sure we have had experience seeing our kids feelings hurt when people like you pull stunts like this. We are politely telling the op that if she does this than she and her dd are rude and they are going to hurt other people's feelings. Don't you care? It is far kinder not to invite the non sleepover kids than to have two seperate parties. If it happened to your child than you would understand. Trust me, I told my DD that her "friend" was not really her friend and we did not make a fuss at all with the parents. Because of this you would say "everyone was fine with this arrangement" But, trust me it did hurt and we thought they were rude and unkind. Why would you choose to be unkind?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people are way to invested in your children's social life.

I know my mother didn't agonize and chest beat over this shit when I was a kid.

Grow up

+100

Everyone experiences getting their feelings hurt. You can't control other people's actions and it's best your child experiences some disappointment in childhood/teens so they aren't hospitalized the first time they do when they flee your protective nest.

Is this the best defense you have? That it is normal to have your feelings hurt? Why would a grown adult deliberately hurt a child's feelings by excluding them? If you can't handle that many kids for a sleepover than do not invite the kids over at all. Are you that desperate for presents? It is far kinder to not invite them than to do the two party system. Perhaps a grown up version would be: Group A and Group B friends are invited to a cool birthday. Everyone gets to go on the lower level where it is somewhat fun. However, the real cool party is on level 2 but, only Group A can go up. Don't worry group A will be very quiet and not talk about it. Even though you can see the fun stuff on level 2.

Now do you get it? Or are you telling me that if you thought you were a good friend ( which is what these kids think) and you are not allowed to go to the really good part. Are you sure you wouldn't be a tiny bit upset?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Polly had a party but excluded some of the girls from only some girls could stay for the sleepover.

Corrected that for you.
Do you ever take one of your kid's friend to a concert or play with you? Just one friend out of several. Were your kid ever invited and gone on a trip with a friend's family?
Kids are capable of understanding that some adults can only handle a certain number of guests. They know whose house can hold a 10 person sleepover and whose can't.

That's not the same thing. Sure, some of the kids could decline the sleepover portion but in this case it wasn't offered. Nor is it the same as inviting one or a few friends to a concert. Here the celebration here is the party from beginning to end and some kids make the cut for the entire party but others don't based on the level of friendship. Why even invite the kids who don't make the sleepover cut?

Concert can be a celebration. It's not about making a cut. I am sure that girls would love to see everyone sleepover but they understand that parents are not capable of dealing with that much "partying". Even with 9 11 yo girls you need at least one soundproof room for all the screaming that will be going on.
I have not seen kids that age that don't understand limitations of the adults.

Honestly, I don't think anyone can get through to you how socially clueless you are.

Yeah, bro, I'm with you.

Even better, bdays should be abolished. Yes, abolished.

They only serve to perpetuate social stigma and structural racism.

As civil rights icon John Lewis once said, "until we get free and desegregated busing for birthday parties, we should just outlaw them. Black kids know no birthday parties because of institutional racism."