I wanted to have sex with DH today

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:YOu should make one dinner for all 4 of you, even if you and DH eat later than the kids. And preferably make it the night before.

When my kids were under 5, they went to bed at 7:30 and I got home from work at 5:30. From 5:30 to 7:30, I fed, bathed and played with them. Dinner with DH at 7:30 after throwing in laundry. Then I packed lunches/bottles, ran through the mail and paid any necessary bills. In bed by 10.

Thanks. How often did you have sex when that was your schedule?

The kids are picky and we do Blue Apron for us a few nights a week. I can usually get home with the kids by 6, and that's leaving work at 4:30, getting dogs, kids, arriving home. I don't even give the kids a bath every night and it would be difficult to get them fed and bathed and in bed by 7:30. As I get more replies I am realizing maybe we do need hired help in the evenings while the kids are still small. I only plan to increase my hours at work in the next couple years.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why you have so much to do. I have two kids, 5 and 3. We both work full time though I work from home. The house looks pretty good. Life is easy and relaxed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I asked, but haven't heard ... are they even HAVING regular sex? I doubt it. Why would he think last night was any different from any other day?

Op. Not sure what "regular" is, but we have sex about 1x every 1-2 weeks. I think that's decent, considering he works, I work, our kids just turned 5 and 3, and so on. He is the initiator probably 75% of time.

That's low, I'd say. Once a week is the bare minimum and at least once a month you should try to knock his socks off. BTDT.

Thanks. Curious if you're BTDT as the DW? I would like to have sex more. I enjoy it and so does he. But many days am drowning in how much there is to do at home without his help, causing me to be physically and mentally tired and/or frustrated with his lack of support. It is a discussion we've had many times over.

On days you're tired, why don't you just suck it up and do it (have sex)? Not trying to be snarky, I swear. But there are a lot of times I'm super tired and I've had a really long day, but I know that having sex is good for our relationship, so even a little quickie will help. I've actually NEVER regretted doing it while tired. Once we get going I'm always happy we did it. It's like going to the gym or for a run. The first step out the door is the hardest to take. Just do it. Now, if you get going and you're repulsed and just lying there, you have serious problems.

I often suck it up despite being tired. And it goes like this - kids are down, we have dinner, I'm cleaning up dishes and laundry or whatever, maybe getting lunch and things ready for next day. DH has been sitting or maybe working. He approaches me and initiates. I drop chores, we have sex, he goes to bed, I spend more time staying up late and finishing things.

Sometimes I will just leave things until the next morning but they just pile up and it creates more work and stress, despite having had the release of sex.

Your attitude sucks. Really. Do you do anything but complain? Do you ever try to practice being grateful for what your do shave? Seems like you're just NEVER happy.

And why did you have a second child with dh if he never helps out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does it have to be with your DH? A lot of guys are willing I am sure if you are, at least, a 7 or so.

Are you offering?

Yes, it has to be with DH

Yes, I am matter fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you have so much to do. I have two kids, 5 and 3. We both work full time though I work from home. The house looks pretty good. Life is easy and relaxed.

Agree. Martyr Syndrome. Making it sound like more than it really is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I again reiterate you didn't actually want sex. You wanted him to have an impetus to help you out. The problem seems to me though that YOU think it's necessary to stay up till midnight killing yourself with 2 dinners, breaking down boxes, laundry, FIVE FACE TIMES, picking up kids rooms, and cleaning for the cleaner. He doesn't- nor would I! Damn, I would not be blowing my whole evening on this crap till midnight and I am the wife here. It's ludicrous.

The only way this was going to work for him is if he felt your carrot of sex was only going to be achieved by pulling a Cinderella alongside you on a Wednesday evening. Either he didn't pick up on that or decided not staying up til midnight doing chores was preferable to having sex. It's as simple as that. He didn't know the trade off was chores til midnight or he didn't deem the trade off worth it.

Sex was clearly not the end goal for you. You chose to break down trash instead of go upstairs with your husband. Think about that. Then he went to bed and instead of going too you hopped on dcum.

Thank you. By the time all was said and done, I was disappointed and frustrated that he didn't help out without my requesting his help. By that point, no, I would say I did not want to have sex with him. Before I had to break my back doing all those things, I did.

Some of the things I mentioned, like the FTs, were extras that are atypical for a weeknight. But every couple nights we do FT a set of grandparents-all our family live on east coast and we no longer do. FWIW, half those birthday calls last night were to his family, while he was doing something else like exercising.

All of those things had to get finished last night because of some circumstances like birthday and cleaners coming. He knew that. Why is it that I am not making sex a priority when he is also not prioritizing? Per our many conversations up to this point, he knows I need help with these chores. Instead he prioritized watching tv and working out. Neither of which I had the opportunity to do, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my honest opinion is that you wanted to "seem" like you were up for sex but you didn't really want to do it. Everything you've said so far sounds like sabotage. Let's be honest, you didn't really want to have sex with your husband did you?

I truly did. I didn't want to sabotage that, but I did want to get those things out of the way - preferably with his help, without having to ask and direct him - to allow us to be relaxed and enjoy it.

"Direct him"? There's your problem. Nobody wants to be directed on how to do mundane, basic chores. Maybe that's why he doesn't do them as often. My DW and I split the chores and childcare 50/50 and the way I do things is totally different than the way she does them...but they get done and we don't argue about them. Sure, I might get an eye roll when doing the laundry or loading the dishwasher but it gets done.

Seriously. Gimme a break. She told him she wanted sex. He knows that she feels overwhelmed with chores. Can't he show some initiative for anything?

I think he was probably tired, and would rather be lazy than help and then have sex. Everyone gets tired. It's understandable. But JFC these people who think that you should now have to manage your husband on top of everything else in order to get some.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:YOu should make one dinner for all 4 of you, even if you and DH eat later than the kids. And preferably make it the night before.

When my kids were under 5, they went to bed at 7:30 and I got home from work at 5:30. From 5:30 to 7:30, I fed, bathed and played with them. Dinner with DH at 7:30 after throwing in laundry. Then I packed lunches/bottles, ran through the mail and paid any necessary bills. In bed by 10.

That's nice but you forgot one thing. Sex? Isn't that the topic of this thread?

We had sex 1-3 times a week. During the week, it was usually at 10.

[Anonymous]

Not saying what you're prioritizing is good or bad. My standardsa don't matter. But you sort of act like sex was this thing totally out of your control when it was totally on you to have it if you wanted it. You chose trash and prepping for the cleaner. So it's just sort of odd that you're complaining sex didn't happen when a) you wanted it and b) you sabotaged it. The trash can wait if your marriage will be better off. So can the books on the kid room floor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you have so much to do. I have two kids, 5 and 3. We both work full time though I work from home. The house looks pretty good. Life is easy and relaxed.

Does your partner help you with the chores you do have?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:YOu should make one dinner for all 4 of you, even if you and DH eat later than the kids. And preferably make it the night before.

When my kids were under 5, they went to bed at 7:30 and I got home from work at 5:30. From 5:30 to 7:30, I fed, bathed and played with them. Dinner with DH at 7:30 after throwing in laundry. Then I packed lunches/bottles, ran through the mail and paid any necessary bills. In bed by 10.

Thanks. How often did you have sex when that was your schedule?

The kids are picky and we do Blue Apron for us a few nights a week. I can usually get home with the kids by 6, and that's leaving work at 4:30, getting dogs, kids, arriving home. I don't even give the kids a bath every night and it would be difficult to get them fed and bathed and in bed by 7:30. As I get more replies I am realizing maybe we do need hired help in the evenings while the kids are still small. I only plan to increase my hours at work in the next couple years.

I would say rather than hire help you need to do more stuff outside the hours between 4:30 and bedtime. I never had time for pets. Don't let the kids be picky eaters. Take control of your own life - pick your priorities. This is totally aside from the sex question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my honest opinion is that you wanted to "seem" like you were up for sex but you didn't really want to do it. Everything you've said so far sounds like sabotage. Let's be honest, you didn't really want to have sex with your husband did you?

I truly did. I didn't want to sabotage that, but I did want to get those things out of the way - preferably with his help, without having to ask and direct him - to allow us to be relaxed and enjoy it.

"Direct him"? There's your problem. Nobody wants to be directed on how to do mundane, basic chores. Maybe that's why he doesn't do them as often. My DW and I split the chores and childcare 50/50 and the way I do things is totally different than the way she does them...but they get done and we don't argue about them. Sure, I might get an eye roll when doing the laundry or loading the dishwasher but it gets done.

That was my point, I don't and don't want to ask him and explain how to be a more equitable partner in this relationship. I do not understand why, after having prior discussions about how I need him to do more chores and help with the kids over and over, he doesn't come up with the initiative on his own without me having to ask him to help in the moment. I don't care how he loads the dishwasher, and we even have different parenting styles and I don't mind that, as long as he does engage the kids.

Because he doesn't want to and he doesn't care. But if he WILL do it when you ask, then you need to stop with what you want to happen and work with what IS happening. He is not going to take the initiative to help but he will help if asked. So, ask him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a man's world, baby.

...but it don't mean nothin' without a women or girl...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I again reiterate you didn't actually want sex. You wanted him to have an impetus to help you out. The problem seems to me though that YOU think it's necessary to stay up till midnight killing yourself with 2 dinners, breaking down boxes, laundry, FIVE FACE TIMES, picking up kids rooms, and cleaning for the cleaner. He doesn't- nor would I! Damn, I would not be blowing my whole evening on this crap till midnight and I am the wife here. It's ludicrous.

The only way this was going to work for him is if he felt your carrot of sex was only going to be achieved by pulling a Cinderella alongside you on a Wednesday evening. Either he didn't pick up on that or decided not staying up til midnight doing chores was preferable to having sex. It's as simple as that. He didn't know the trade off was chores til midnight or he didn't deem the trade off worth it.

Sex was clearly not the end goal for you. You chose to break down trash instead of go upstairs with your husband. Think about that. Then he went to bed and instead of going too you hopped on dcum.

Thank you. By the time all was said and done, I was disappointed and frustrated that he didn't help out without my requesting his help. By that point, no, I would say I did not want to have sex with him. Before I had to break my back doing all those things, I did.

Some of the things I mentioned, like the FTs, were extras that are atypical for a weeknight. But every couple nights we do FT a set of grandparents-all our family live on east coast and we no longer do. FWIW, half those birthday calls last night were to his family, while he was doing something else like exercising.

All of those things had to get finished last night because of some circumstances like birthday and cleaners coming. He knew that. Why is it that I am not making sex a priority when he is also not prioritizing? Per our many conversations up to this point, he knows I need help with these chores. Instead he prioritized watching tv and working out. Neither of which I had the opportunity to do, either.

Sex is for you as well as him. Once we had kids, neither my DH nor I exercised during the evening hours - that time is the only time we have as a family. Your DH should exercise with you and the kids, or else early morning or on his lunch hour. No TV until all household chores are done.

[Anonymous]

This makes me think of the scene in The Break-Up where Jennifer Aniston yells at Vince Vaughn, "I WANT YOU TO WANT TO DO DISHES!"