Is this ridiculous? DH and I disagree over whether to have another child
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
How is it insulting? She is a dependent. |
Anonymous
He wants you to get a job. Not restart your SAH clock. |
Anonymous
Maybe he doesn't want to work until 66! We are 36 also and my DH would like to retire in 20 years not 30! Harder to do with a child still needing college and other financial support. When we are 56 our youngest will be 25 and our house will be paid off. |
Anonymous
NP. It's incredibly insulting. I am a dependent, if you look at it that way, but "he would be paying for you to spend money you didn't earn" is such a crass way to describe a family situation. What my dh earns is OUR money, and what I spend is OUR money. It's not even to do with the 4th child, it's your seeming inability to view a marriage with only one wage earner as an equal partnership. I'm sorry you can't imagine it, but I'm fortunate to have just that. |
Anonymous
The problem with most, not all, sah relationships is that the wife lhas lost the means to support herself independently and the husband has more power in the relationship as the sole wage earner, some men resent the stress even if there is plenty of money, It is quite clear that you feel there is enough money for another child, but perhaps your husband disagrees. Perhaps he doesn't not enjoy the baby toddler stage as much as you do. Perhaps he thinks the relationship between you and him is better without the drudgery of caring for small children. There are many reasons not to have a fourth child, you are just not willing to hear them. |
Anonymous
NP. Do you not discuss large purchases? Would you buy a vacation home while you're a sahm and he's the sole earner, and he doesn't want a vacation home? I'm sure he'd enjoy it when he can get time off to spend in it. Otherwise it won't affect him, because he's working anyway. And when he's ready to retire in 30 years it'll be paid off, so what's the big deal? |
Anonymous
|
Sorry I haven't read all the posts. Two questions.
Why do you want another child? Are you SAHM and if so do you want to go back to work, ever? |
Anonymous
|
22:51 here. I just saw in posts above that you are a SAHM with 3 kids and you can afford to have another because your DH has a great income and HE has another 30 years of working life ahead.
-Maybe you are being selfish. Why don't you want to go back to work? -Maybe he doesn't want to be the only income earner parent for another 6 years at least. Talk to him about this. -Maybe you just love baby and toddlerhood-having another won't cure that. It will come back when that one is older. - Yes, this is very different from someone with one child (I thought that was the issue in this thread) No Matt what the answers above are, if one person doesn't want a baby, don't do it! Do not forget or delay or otherwise mess up your contraceptive. That's unethical and if you do get pregnant again and then you divorce for some other reason in a couple of years, life may be by hard for you managing 4 kids and having to go back to work. Any couple can get divorced so don't think it can never happen to you. |
Anonymous
You're talking to me - as is the poster before you who replied to my comment - about things I didn't say. I said that for me, this POV is insulting, completely separate from the discussion about a 4th child. It's about the suggestion that a SAHM is spending her dh's money and I find that offensive. |
Anonymous
I'm 19:42. If you don't earn, you are spending someone else's money. If you want an equal partnership, earn some money (probably a lot, in your relationship). If not, earn your own money and spend that. |
Anonymous
|
I wouldn't go back to the baby stage for anything. Babies are nice but not everyone loves the 24/7 intensity, and despite what OP implies, parents who work outside do bear the weight of that- at night on weekends, on vacations that aren't vacations because they're just complicated baby care scenarios. You can love your kids and be ready for the next stage.
OP said it's *only* two years of the intense baby stage. Anyone who thinks in those terms - that forcing two years of life changes on another person is minor- really doesn't get relationships. And as others have said, it's not a two-year change. It's six more years in the preschool stage, six more years as breadwinner for several dependents, apparently six more years until spouse shares earning responsibilities. |
Anonymous
PP, do you bring such black and white thinking to your workplace? Do you always view the world in such concrete terms? Why are you refusing to consider a different viewpoint or perspective? Why such divisiveness? |
Anonymous
|
He has to work for "like 30 more years?" Okay.
He doesn't want a fourth baby-- for reasons you haven't articulated, but they don't relate to money, so let's assume it's for the other valid reasons PPs have presumed. But you want what you want, and you want it now, because the baby stage is so fun! I think your DH already has a 4th child... Do you even know, in detail, why he objects to a 4th? Maybe start by exploring that instead of coming here for ammo to convince him. |
Anonymous
I'm sorry you wouldn't have an equal partnership if you didn't "pull your weight" financially. That only makes me more grateful to have found a man 25 years ago who doesn't feel that way. I do far more than he does around the house and with the kids, and he knows my unpaid work contributes immensely to our family and thanks me regularly for my contributions, as I do him for his. But as long as you and I are both blissfully content with our spouses and our marital relationships, it's all good. Of course, I can't speak for you, only myself. I hope you are, too! |
Anonymous
| Of course you are happy, you dont' have to work! |