Is this ridiculous? DH and I disagree over whether to have another child

[Anonymous]

Ha--you are going to get people saying you want a fourth so you don't have to go back to work.

But seriously, you have three and your youngest is in kindergarten? It makes sense that DH would not want to start over.

Time to work through the emotions surrounding being done with baby and toddlerhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think its selfish to have 4 kids as its hard to give each the attention and support they need.

I know that we can do it though. We're doing a good job with the three that we have now. By the time the baby was born, our youngest would be six and in school full day so I'd be able to have lot so one-on-one time with the baby and not have it affect them.

It will impact them. Can each choose 1-2 separate activities they want? Are you fully funding college? How will you help 1-1 with homework and other needs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We went through this- same thing, I wanted a 4th. I basically had to finally have 'the talk' where he really stated he was 75% not interested. That did it for me- for all of the others he was 100% in- 75% wasn't good enough and he was right about his issue: time with each and having to ignore the needs of one to address the needs of another at times.

But here, sounds like DH is 100% sure he doesn't want another!

"DH really does not want another child. "

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is a gift to your kids to have a big family. That's just me.

OP here. I agree!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think its selfish to have 4 kids as its hard to give each the attention and support they need.

I know that we can do it though. We're doing a good job with the three that we have now. By the time the baby was born, our youngest would be six and in school full day so I'd be able to have lot so one-on-one time with the baby and not have it affect them.

And maybe your husband is looking forward to finally being done with the grueling baby/toddler/young kid years and is looking forward to doing more complex and adventurous things with the kids you already have. I know it opens up a whole world once your kids are old enough to go on more trips, see grownup movies with you, discuss more in-depth issues than "what color is that truck"? The fact that you don't see his POV does not make it any less valid. IMO in instances like this, the spouse who is done should have veto power.

[Anonymous]

Did you talk about how many kids you wanted before you got married? Do you work? If you don't work, I feel like it's understandable for him not to want the financial pressure of having to make more or keep job to support more kids and a bigger family. If you do work, like I do with 3 kids, I think it is also understandable for him to think two working parents with 3 kids is hard and crazy at times and that he doesn't want more.

But I have no idea what you thought going into the marriage, like if you were expecting to have more kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think its selfish to have 4 kids as its hard to give each the attention and support they need.

I know that we can do it though. We're doing a good job with the three that we have now. By the time the baby was born, our youngest would be six and in school full day so I'd be able to have lot so one-on-one time with the baby and not have it affect them.

It will impact them. Can each choose 1-2 separate activities they want? Are you fully funding college? How will you help 1-1 with homework and other needs?

We are doing that now. We can afford to have one more.

[Anonymous]

I was 1 of 4 and wish my parents didn't have this many. Fun and cute when little - but now all 4 of us are dealing with life problems and it is stressing out my parents because they want to help, and can't because they can only help 1, not 4.

And to the person who thinks it is a gift to have a big family - speak for yourself, it an be very painful, too.

[Anonymous]

I don't think either of you is being ridiculous, but the "No" always wins in this particular argument. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think its selfish to have 4 kids as its hard to give each the attention and support they need.

I know that we can do it though. We're doing a good job with the three that we have now. By the time the baby was born, our youngest would be six and in school full day so I'd be able to have lot so one-on-one time with the baby and not have it affect them.

Right, and what about DH? Perhaps he's done with the baby-making, wants to finish the parenting (still 15 or so more years to do that), and at some point potentially think about himself and his relationship in the distant future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you talk about how many kids you wanted before you got married? Do you work? If you don't work, I feel like it's understandable for him not to want the financial pressure of having to make more or keep job to support more kids and a bigger family. If you do work, like I do with 3 kids, I think it is also understandable for him to think two working parents with 3 kids is hard and crazy at times and that he doesn't want more.

But I have no idea what you thought going into the marriage, like if you were expecting to have more kids.

Well here's the thing. We wanted to have two. Then we had a slip up with birth control with #3. I actually brought up the idea of terminating because I was initially so sick and freaked out but he was adamantly opposed. Of course we love and adore our #3 and it scares me to even think about the fact that we might not have had her in our lives. Because of this experience, I know that we would feel the same way about a 4th.

I don't work but he does pretty well and we can afford it. It's not a financial thing with him. He's just over the baby stage. But since I SAH and will be doing most of the work anyway...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is a gift to your kids to have a big family. That's just me.

OP here. I agree!

OP, you already have a big family. To the PP who said this isn't any different than wanting a second, I view it as very different because you're talking about the difference between an only child and a children who already have siblings. It's a big decision either way to go with an only child, but adding more past 2? Just not as big a deal. In any scenario, only child or not, I would always say both parents need to be fully on board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you talk about how many kids you wanted before you got married? Do you work? If you don't work, I feel like it's understandable for him not to want the financial pressure of having to make more or keep job to support more kids and a bigger family. If you do work, like I do with 3 kids, I think it is also understandable for him to think two working parents with 3 kids is hard and crazy at times and that he doesn't want more.

But I have no idea what you thought going into the marriage, like if you were expecting to have more kids.

Well here's the thing. We wanted to have two. Then we had a slip up with birth control with #3. I actually brought up the idea of terminating because I was initially so sick and freaked out but he was adamantly opposed. Of course we love and adore our #3 and it scares me to even think about the fact that we might not have had her in our lives. Because of this experience, I know that we would feel the same way about a 4th.

I don't work but he does pretty well and we can afford it. It's not a financial thing with him. He's just over the baby stage. But since I SAH and will be doing most of the work anyway...

Holy crap!!!!!! Please get therapy. You are at a crossroads in your life. You're about to be out of a job in a way. Huge transition. Address the real issue that is going on here. What are you going to do all day with all your free time.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are convincing and arguing with a bunch of strangers on the internet. So what if you convince us that it's the best idea ever to have a 4th. Your DH doesn't want a 4th kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you talk about how many kids you wanted before you got married? Do you work? If you don't work, I feel like it's understandable for him not to want the financial pressure of having to make more or keep job to support more kids and a bigger family. If you do work, like I do with 3 kids, I think it is also understandable for him to think two working parents with 3 kids is hard and crazy at times and that he doesn't want more.

But I have no idea what you thought going into the marriage, like if you were expecting to have more kids.

Well here's the thing. We wanted to have two. Then we had a slip up with birth control with #3. I actually brought up the idea of terminating because I was initially so sick and freaked out but he was adamantly opposed. Of course we love and adore our #3 and it scares me to even think about the fact that we might not have had her in our lives. Because of this experience, I know that we would feel the same way about a 4th.

I don't work but he does pretty well and we can afford it. It's not a financial thing with him. He's just over the baby stage. But since I SAH and will be doing most of the work anyway...

Holy crap!!!!!! Please get therapy. You are at a crossroads in your life. You're about to be out of a job in a way. Huge transition. Address the real issue that is going on here. What are you going to do all day with all your free time.

NP. So every woman who wants to have four kids needs therapy? Come on. I don't see anything unusual about her posts. Seems pretty common for late thirties SAHMs in my experience.