Is this ridiculous? DH and I disagree over whether to have another child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you talk about how many kids you wanted before you got married? Do you work? If you don't work, I feel like it's understandable for him not to want the financial pressure of having to make more or keep job to support more kids and a bigger family. If you do work, like I do with 3 kids, I think it is also understandable for him to think two working parents with 3 kids is hard and crazy at times and that he doesn't want more.

But I have no idea what you thought going into the marriage, like if you were expecting to have more kids.

Well here's the thing. We wanted to have two. Then we had a slip up with birth control with #3. I actually brought up the idea of terminating because I was initially so sick and freaked out but he was adamantly opposed. Of course we love and adore our #3 and it scares me to even think about the fact that we might not have had her in our lives. Because of this experience, I know that we would feel the same way about a 4th.

I don't work but he does pretty well and we can afford it. It's not a financial thing with him. He's just over the baby stage. But since I SAH and will be doing most of the work anyway...

Idk you can see if you can cajole him into but it sounds like you might have to accept that he's done with the baby stage. You'll probably feel sad like I do that your child bearing years are over whenever it is, no matter how many kids you have.

[Anonymous]

I completely understand it from your husband's perspective. You have another child and he's not child-free for another 20 years. You reset the clock, so to speak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was 1 of 4 and wish my parents didn't have this many. Fun and cute when little - but now all 4 of us are dealing with life problems and it is stressing out my parents because they want to help, and can't because they can only help 1, not 4.

And to the person who thinks it is a gift to have a big family - speak for yourself, it an be very painful, too.

NP here, I am one of 6 and love how I have such a big family now that we are all grown and having families on our own. We don't rely on our parents when we have life problems. They raised us, their job as parents who supported us is done. We are all strong, independent adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is a gift to your kids to have a big family. That's just me.

OP here. I agree!

Mom to 4 here. It's tough even if your kids are easy kids/baby stage (relatively) easy. There are a lot of logistics to work out especially as they get older/school age. My biggest problem is 1 on 1 time with each. It's small and short with each and I always wish I could give them more ("oh sorry, Larla, we can't read together anymore tonight. I think your 2 yr old brother just knocked over your brother's meticulous Lego city. I hear a ton of crying...").
Plus, for me personally, I have a hard time shifting gears between #4 and the older kids.

Also, is your DH involved? Mine works all the time so the kids don't have a lot of face time and I solo parent - that's exhausting and will drain you really fast.

Having said all that, I don't mean to be a debbie downer. The kids are really good kids and are helpful and I love my family to pieces. Just wanted to give you a bit of perspective and logistics.

[Anonymous]

I know it's immature but do you ever have get those fleeting thoughts, like if I could just have this one thing I would be happy. That's how I feel about this. I know that 5 kids is completely out of the question but four we could do.

[Anonymous]

I would understand "being upset for a really long time" if your DH didn't want to add a second, or even a third -- but a fourth? That's harder for me to sympathize with -- especially given the fact that your DH feels done and doesn't want another. You just have to make peace with it, and as PP said, focus on what you have rather than what you lack. A family of three is a big family, and a blessing.

So while I won't use the word "ridiculous", I can't necessarily offer sympathy. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

If I was your husband I would have a vasectomy this week

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I REALLY want another child. Like, I know I will be disappointed for a very long time if I can't have one. It may be biologically driven as I'm 36 and the door is closing soon, so to speak. DH really does not want another child. I feel so sad about this and can't stop hoping that maybe I'll be able to change his mind (fwiw, we can afford it, it's not a financial thing).

Does it matter how many kids we already have? The people in my life - my mom, sisters, BFF, etc. - are not especially sympathetic because we have three and they tell me that should be "sufficient." I love them dearly but it doesn't change the fact that I feel someone is missing from our family, kwim?

Of course the number of kids you already have matters to your decision-making?! Each kid takes resources and energy, and it's foolish not to think about what you have to give (and how old you will be when they leave your home) before bringing a new life into the world.

That said, the number doesn't matter to your feelings. I know of people who were desperate to have another kid when they already had 5 children, and i know people who cannot fathom having another kid after 1. You need to separate your feelings about this from your decision-making process. Your DH has feelings also, and they seem to be the opposite of yours. If you are unable to move past your feelings, there is no shame in seeing a counselor to help you do so. You are right that it might be something that haunts you for a very long time if you can't find a way to move on from it.

But if one parent doesn't want any more kids, I think that's pretty much the end of the conversation.

+1 Or try joint counseling if you're having a hard time communicating clearly - this is a very personal, complex decision and it can be hard to articulate what you're feeling and why. Maybe if you felt you understood DH's perspective more, it would be easier to accept. You don't want to resent him for years to come, when you should be enjoying the family you have now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you talk about how many kids you wanted before you got married? Do you work? If you don't work, I feel like it's understandable for him not to want the financial pressure of having to make more or keep job to support more kids and a bigger family. If you do work, like I do with 3 kids, I think it is also understandable for him to think two working parents with 3 kids is hard and crazy at times and that he doesn't want more.

But I have no idea what you thought going into the marriage, like if you were expecting to have more kids.

Well here's the thing. We wanted to have two. Then we had a slip up with birth control with #3. I actually brought up the idea of terminating because I was initially so sick and freaked out but he was adamantly opposed. Of course we love and adore our #3 and it scares me to even think about the fact that we might not have had her in our lives. Because of this experience, I know that we would feel the same way about a 4th.

I don't work but he does pretty well and we can afford it. It's not a financial thing with him. He's just over the baby stage. But since I SAH and will be doing most of the work anyway...

Holy crap!!!!!! Please get therapy. You are at a crossroads in your life. You're about to be out of a job in a way. Huge transition. Address the real issue that is going on here. What are you going to do all day with all your free time.

NP. So every woman who wants to have four kids needs therapy? Come on. I don't see anything unusual about her posts. Seems pretty common for late thirties SAHMs in my experience.

No, every woman who wants to have four kids to keep the SAHM dream alive and plausible when they're DH doesn't support this plan needs therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know it's immature but do you ever have get those fleeting thoughts, like if I could just have this one thing I would be happy. That's how I feel about this. I know that 5 kids is completely out of the question but four we could do.

Not necessarily immature but misguided and detrimental to the well-being of yourself and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think either of you is being ridiculous, but the "No" always wins in this particular argument. Sorry.

+1 And being SAHM doesn't mean that your "yes" has more weight than his "no." That is not a healthy way to look at having a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know it's immature but do you ever have get those fleeting thoughts, like if I could just have this one thing I would be happy. That's how I feel about this. I know that 5 kids is completely out of the question but four we could do.

Yeah but don't you know it's not what you need to be happy? Like ppl think about weight loss for example and that's not it. There is a blog I like on this point but idk if I can find it.

[Anonymous]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a 4th child if you have the resources to provide. Since your husband seems adamant that he wants to be done at 3- there may be no convincing him to change his mind and you will have to respect his mindset. It may still be challenging for you to get over, but there is no shame in wanting a big family. I have two children and would like a 3rd- my husband is not interested in having another so I have decided to just be grateful for the 2 I have.

[Anonymous]

Also - what specific reasons has he given for not wanting another?

[Anonymous]

I also think it's unfair that he unilaterally gets to decide this major thing in our lives. I really really love being a mom to young kids. I'm not ready for this stage to be over. If we had another baby, it would be starting the clock over, like a PP mentioned. That's what I like about it. He doesn't even try to understand it from my perspective.