Is this ridiculous? DH and I disagree over whether to have another child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also - what specific reasons has he given for not wanting another?

Well our youngest is 4.5. She can dress herself now, feed herself, she's obviously potty trained, she STTN. We like to travel and that's much easier now. We can go out to eat and it's easy. We can sleep in a bit on the weekends because they entertain each other in the mornings, so that's nice. I concede that all of that is true and it IS nice. I understand where he's coming from with that.

However, like I tell him, it's really only two years that things are hard. Two years in the grand scheme of a long life is nothing. We'll be back here again before he knows it. It's a very short term sacrifice for long term gain.

What gain is that? You're bringing in another burden. That's more $, another college education, and lost time. It means fewer child-free years on the back end.

I think you're trying to postpone returning to work.

Um the gain of another person to love? Another person to round out our family who will be our children's sibling for the rest of their lives? I don't look at it in financial terms, I think that is silly. I don't look at our existing children and add up what they cost us.

I'm not postponing returning to work. That has nothing to do with this. It's a separate issue but he doesn't really want me to work anyway (work travel).

Of course you don't look at it from a financial perspective. You don't make any of the money!

That doesn't mean I'm a complete idiot. I know what things cost. The point is that we can afford it. It's not a money issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also - what specific reasons has he given for not wanting another?

Well our youngest is 4.5. She can dress herself now, feed herself, she's obviously potty trained, she STTN. We like to travel and that's much easier now. We can go out to eat and it's easy. We can sleep in a bit on the weekends because they entertain each other in the mornings, so that's nice. I concede that all of that is true and it IS nice. I understand where he's coming from with that.

However, like I tell him, it's really only two years that things are hard. Two years in the grand scheme of a long life is nothing. We'll be back here again before he knows it. It's a very short term sacrifice for long term gain.

What gain is that? You're bringing in another burden. That's more $, another college education, and lost time. It means fewer child-free years on the back end.

I think you're trying to postpone returning to work.

Um the gain of another person to love? Another person to round out our family who will be our children's sibling for the rest of their lives? I don't look at it in financial terms, I think that is silly. I don't look at our existing children and add up what they cost us.

I'm not postponing returning to work. That has nothing to do with this. It's a separate issue but he doesn't really want me to work anyway (work travel).

Of course you don't look at it from a financial perspective. You don't make any of the money!

That doesn't mean I'm a complete idiot. I know what things cost. The point is that we can afford it. It's not a money issue.

NP. But the burden of supporting the family financially falls exclusively on your husband. I can certainly understand why he doesn't want to be solely responsible for supporting another person for the next 2.5 decades.

[Anonymous]

You have to look at the long game. How old is your DH? Having another baby will likely delay his retirement. Can you fully fund four-five years of college for four kids?

I'm glad we stopped at three mostly b.c of the logistics of pratices, games, belt tests etc.

Calm down with your Baby Rabies. Try to look at the big picture.

[Anonymous]

Given your answers to every reply on this read it's clear that you're the one refusing to listen to any other perspective but your own. I bet your conversations with your husband go like this:

Husband: but I don't want to have to work forever. I also don't want to repeat the hard, early stages of parenthood. I'm tired of being the one who makes all the money and the pressure of being responsible for the futures of all these children.

OP: but I want a fourth baby cause I JUST LOVE BABIES! Your reasons suck!

Husband: six more years of parenting is a long time to add on to the tail end. I want to be able to travel and enjoy time with our other three kids, visit them at college, stuff like that. And maybe think about retirement.

OP: but BABIES!!!!!!!!!!!!

You really need to check yourself and your ability to compromise and be a good partner and wife. You seem extremely selfish and short-sighted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was 1 of 4 and wish my parents didn't have this many. Fun and cute when little - but now all 4 of us are dealing with life problems and it is stressing out my parents because they want to help, and can't because they can only help 1, not 4.

And to the person who thinks it is a gift to have a big family - speak for yourself, it an be very painful, too.

NP here, I am one of 6 and love how I have such a big family now that we are all grown and having families on our own. We don't rely on our parents when we have life problems. They raised us, their job as parents who supported us is done. We are all strong, independent adults.

You are very fortunate that job losses and health problems have not impacted your life. And I am sorry to hear that your parents are done being your parents. I hope my kids never feel like that because I will always be here to help them. And yes, they are also independent but sometimes it is nice to have your mom and/or dad there to continue supporting you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was 1 of 4 and wish my parents didn't have this many. Fun and cute when little - but now all 4 of us are dealing with life problems and it is stressing out my parents because they want to help, and can't because they can only help 1, not 4.

And to the person who thinks it is a gift to have a big family - speak for yourself, it an be very painful, too.

Anecdotally it can go either way.

I'm an only child and wish that I had siblings especially as an adult. It sounds like you had a fun childhood with your siblings, I was very lonely growing up, especially since we moved frequently so I don't even have an attachment to a hometown. Now that I'm an adult, I also have the added pressure of being the only one who will deal with my parents' health care and end of life decisions. My DH has siblings and it's a completely different dynamic with his side of the family. His brothers are there for support in difficult times and it makes a world of difference. With my parents, everything is on me. No help. No support. Just me. Alone. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also think it's unfair that he unilaterally gets to decide this major thing in our lives. I really really love being a mom to young kids. I'm not ready for this stage to be over. If we had another baby, it would be starting the clock over, like a PP mentioned. That's what I like about it. He doesn't even try to understand it from my perspective.

Or do you just want an excuse to stay home longer?

[Anonymous]

When I was 7 I had three siblings. By the time I was 40 I had one. If you can afford more kids, I'd vote for more kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was 7 I had three siblings. By the time I was 40 I had one. If you can afford more kids, I'd vote for more kids.

That is a ridiculous reason to have more children.

[Anonymous]

I hope your DH leaves you. You sound awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I was your husband I would have a vasectomy this week

Yup. No offense to the OP but the responses are a little childish - but I WANT it - and I see an "oops forgot to take my birth control" moment as a possibility.

The person who's done gets to prevail, sorry. Heck that goes with animals too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also think it's unfair that he unilaterally gets to decide this major thing in our lives. I really really love being a mom to young kids. I'm not ready for this stage to be over. If we had another baby, it would be starting the clock over, like a PP mentioned. That's what I like about it. He doesn't even try to understand it from my perspective.

Your perspective really isn't valid, though. So, there's that.

If that's OP I wouldn't say her opinion isn't valid, just that it doesn't carry the same weight. It's fine to want another baby but we're not talking about changing the color of the bathroom, where it doesn't really matter if one person isn't into it and minds and colors can change - the DH is clearly saying he DOES NOT want to father or parent a 4th. He DOES get to decide that unilaterally OP, just as you would if you did not want a 4th and he did.

[Anonymous]

I think that the wishes of the person who doesn't want another child should trump the wishes of the person who already has three. I can't explain why, but it just seems like if one of you doesn't want another child, that should be the end of it. He might change his mind.

[Anonymous]

I think you are very lucky to have 3. I have one and would love another but its probably not in the cards for us. Im sorry you are sad and it seems you are 100% stuck on this. I would focus on the children you have, enjoy your marriage, and try and see his side.

[Anonymous]

Only child here - I have four of my own bc I wanted four. But I would have been okay w three.