Is this ridiculous? DH and I disagree over whether to have another child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I was your husband I would have a vasectomy this week

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I REALLY want another child. Like, I know I will be disappointed for a very long time if I can't have one. It may be biologically driven as I'm 36 and the door is closing soon, so to speak. DH really does not want another child. I feel so sad about this and can't stop hoping that maybe I'll be able to change his mind (fwiw, we can afford it, it's not a financial thing).

Does it matter how many kids we already have? The people in my life - my mom, sisters, BFF, etc. - are not especially sympathetic because we have three and they tell me that should be "sufficient." I love them dearly but it doesn't change the fact that I feel someone is missing from our family, kwim?

You can feel sad and hope to change his mind. But don't go over his head.

Does it matter how may kids you have? Um..yes? This is the question that makes you sound cray cray.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I REALLY want another child. Like, I know I will be disappointed for a very long time if I can't have one. It may be biologically driven as I'm 36 and the door is closing soon, so to speak. DH really does not want another child. I feel so sad about this and can't stop hoping that maybe I'll be able to change his mind (fwiw, we can afford it, it's not a financial thing).

Does it matter how many kids we already have? The people in my life - my mom, sisters, BFF, etc. - are not especially sympathetic because we have three and they tell me that should be "sufficient." I love them dearly but it doesn't change the fact that I feel someone is missing from our family, kwim?

You can feel sad and hope to change his mind. But don't go over his head.

Does it matter how may kids you have? Um..yes? This is the question that makes you sound cray cray.

Obv it matters. What I mean is, why is my yearning for a fourth child less deserving of sympathy and validation than someone who wants a second? (Not talking about infertility, just husbands who refuse).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was 7 I had three siblings. By the time I was 40 I had one. If you can afford more kids, I'd vote for more kids.

That is a ridiculous reason to have more children.

Your parents and siblings are your real family. They've been the only ones who ever had my back when I really needed help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I REALLY want another child. Like, I know I will be disappointed for a very long time if I can't have one. It may be biologically driven as I'm 36 and the door is closing soon, so to speak. DH really does not want another child. I feel so sad about this and can't stop hoping that maybe I'll be able to change his mind (fwiw, we can afford it, it's not a financial thing).

Does it matter how many kids we already have? The people in my life - my mom, sisters, BFF, etc. - are not especially sympathetic because we have three and they tell me that should be "sufficient." I love them dearly but it doesn't change the fact that I feel someone is missing from our family, kwim?

You can feel sad and hope to change his mind. But don't go over his head.

Does it matter how may kids you have? Um..yes? This is the question that makes you sound cray cray.

Obv it matters. What I mean is, why is my yearning for a fourth child less deserving of sympathy and validation than someone who wants a second? (Not talking about infertility, just husbands who refuse).

Why don you refuse to consider other viewpoints than your own? Your responses are very telling of the kind of person you are. What is your relationship like with your husband? Do you have a relationship/life beyond your kids? Or is he just there to give you children and a paycheck?

[Anonymous]

"No" wins
no discussion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was 7 I had three siblings. By the time I was 40 I had one. If you can afford more kids, I'd vote for more kids.

That is a ridiculous reason to have more children.

Your parents and siblings are your real family. They've been the only ones who ever had my back when I really needed help.

My DH's sibling is a drug user and mooch that has never held a real job. My DH's mother is a narcissist who only ever thinks about herself. His father is dead. Sorry, but relying on others to support you never works out when one really needs it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was 7 I had three siblings. By the time I was 40 I had one. If you can afford more kids, I'd vote for more kids.

That is a ridiculous reason to have more children.

Your parents and siblings are your real family. They've been the only ones who ever had my back when I really needed help.

This has been my experience as well. I do have good friends. But when the chips are really down, it's blood who comes through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um the gain of another person to love? Another person to round out our family who will be our children's sibling for the rest of their lives? I don't look at it in financial terms, I think that is silly. I don't look at our existing children and add up what they cost us.

I'm not postponing returning to work. That has nothing to do with this. It's a separate issue but he doesn't really want me to work anyway (work travel).

But what you are doing is postponing when he can retire. Maybe if you commit to going back to work and fully supporting you two and your youngest child through her middle and high school years so that he has the option to retire when she leaves grade school. Tell him that you'll support the family so that he can retire on his own schedule and that in your youngest's middle and high school years, you'll do what it takes to allow him more freedom to pursue other activities.

You are completely discounting the fact that he wants to be done with dependent parenting in 12 years and not 18. I think the only realistic way to convince him otherwise, is if you make the commitment now that you will assume the financial and parental responsibilities for a new child after the 3rd goes to college. That may mean you have to work and juggle work and errands and shutting the child to after school commitments, etc largely on your own. Because that time is what you're trying to take away from him. How will you feel when you are working full time, doing all the household errands, shuttling your child around and he is retired and playing golf or going out of town with the guys or taking up a new hobby? That's the type of commitment you need to make to convince him. Otherwise, you are just putting your own wants ahead of his. This is why most people say that the No always beats the Yes vote. Because you don't get to commit another person to the extra years and work of raising a child. And despite your hand waiving, there is still a lot of parenting that goes on from ages 4.5 to 17.

You and so many of the posters on this thread are so hung up on the fact that OP is a SAHM that you're ignoring the fact that it's not a financial issue for their family. They have enough money to support another child - the DH just doesn't want more children. That's a much harder issue to address. If it was just about money, the easy solution would be for OP to go back to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was 7 I had three siblings. By the time I was 40 I had one. If you can afford more kids, I'd vote for more kids.

That is a ridiculous reason to have more children.

Your parents and siblings are your real family. They've been the only ones who ever had my back when I really needed help.

This has been my experience as well. I do have good friends. But when the chips are really down, it's blood who comes through.

Not in my case, my best friend is more like a sister than my sister is.

I also think it is a bit selfish to already have 3 kids and basically demand another one when your husband doesn't want one. Why so greedy/selfish? Enjoy what you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I REALLY want another child. Like, I know I will be disappointed for a very long time if I can't have one. It may be biologically driven as I'm 36 and the door is closing soon, so to speak. DH really does not want another child. I feel so sad about this and can't stop hoping that maybe I'll be able to change his mind (fwiw, we can afford it, it's not a financial thing).

Does it matter how many kids we already have? The people in my life - my mom, sisters, BFF, etc. - are not especially sympathetic because we have three and they tell me that should be "sufficient." I love them dearly but it doesn't change the fact that I feel someone is missing from our family, kwim?

You can feel sad and hope to change his mind. But don't go over his head.

Does it matter how may kids you have? Um..yes? This is the question that makes you sound cray cray.

Obv it matters. What I mean is, why is my yearning for a fourth child less deserving of sympathy and validation than someone who wants a second? (Not talking about infertility, just husbands who refuse).

it's less deserving of sympathy bc you already have 3 beautiful children to love. those kids already have more than one sibling. i think you should consider counseling with or without your DH. I think kids are wonderful too, but your DH has a veto here. it's very unfair to your future child to bring him/her into a world where her father may resent him/her or not pay enough attention to him/her. it also could be very tough on your marriage and ultimately harm your current kids if it leads to a strained marriage or split. i think either decision you and your DH make is going to leave someone unhappy and may be best worked out with a good therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think its selfish to have 4 kids as its hard to give each the attention and support they need.

+1000

Not to mention the increase in your carbon footprint and your contribution to overpopulation.

+2000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um the gain of another person to love? Another person to round out our family who will be our children's sibling for the rest of their lives? I don't look at it in financial terms, I think that is silly. I don't look at our existing children and add up what they cost us.

I'm not postponing returning to work. That has nothing to do with this. It's a separate issue but he doesn't really want me to work anyway (work travel).

But what you are doing is postponing when he can retire. Maybe if you commit to going back to work and fully supporting you two and your youngest child through her middle and high school years so that he has the option to retire when she leaves grade school. Tell him that you'll support the family so that he can retire on his own schedule and that in your youngest's middle and high school years, you'll do what it takes to allow him more freedom to pursue other activities.

You are completely discounting the fact that he wants to be done with dependent parenting in 12 years and not 18. I think the only realistic way to convince him otherwise, is if you make the commitment now that you will assume the financial and parental responsibilities for a new child after the 3rd goes to college. That may mean you have to work and juggle work and errands and shutting the child to after school commitments, etc largely on your own. Because that time is what you're trying to take away from him. How will you feel when you are working full time, doing all the household errands, shuttling your child around and he is retired and playing golf or going out of town with the guys or taking up a new hobby? That's the type of commitment you need to make to convince him. Otherwise, you are just putting your own wants ahead of his. This is why most people say that the No always beats the Yes vote. Because you don't get to commit another person to the extra years and work of raising a child. And despite your hand waiving, there is still a lot of parenting that goes on from ages 4.5 to 17.

You and so many of the posters on this thread are so hung up on the fact that OP is a SAHM that you're ignoring the fact that it's not a financial issue for their family. They have enough money to support another child - the DH just doesn't want more children. That's a much harder issue to address. If it was just about money, the easy solution would be for OP to go back to work.

No, that's not the point. The point is that they can afford a child while he is working. But she has said nothing about whether they can afford the last six years of a new child's childhood without her husband actually producing an income. Retirement income is lower than working income. Are they still able to afford to pay for the child's middle and high school years, plus college on their retirement income? Or are they going to live on savings and investments for those 6 years? The supposition that they cannot afford to pay for a child's last 6 years of middle school, high school plus college on a single retirement income without significantly eating into their retirement is not just blaming a SAHP for staying at home. The point I was trying to make is that he may have plans for what to do when they become empty nesters and she's now delaying when that happens.

The point is that many parents who are done, make plans for when to retire and enjoy their golden years. It's hard to do that when you are looking at an additional $200K (or more) worth of college tuition payments not to mention the cost of raising a child through their teenage years. If you aren't working, that's a good chunk of change to be pulling out of savings/investments or retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think either of you is being ridiculous, but the "No" always wins in this particular argument. Sorry.

+1 And being SAHM doesn't mean that your "yes" has more weight than his "no." That is not a healthy way to look at having a child.

His no means more than your yes because he's paying for everything. He would be paying for you to spend money you didn't earn on a child he didn't want. No means no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you talk about how many kids you wanted before you got married? Do you work? If you don't work, I feel like it's understandable for him not to want the financial pressure of having to make more or keep job to support more kids and a bigger family. If you do work, like I do with 3 kids, I think it is also understandable for him to think two working parents with 3 kids is hard and crazy at times and that he doesn't want more.

But I have no idea what you thought going into the marriage, like if you were expecting to have more kids.

Well here's the thing. We wanted to have two. Then we had a slip up with birth control with #3. I actually brought up the idea of terminating because I was initially so sick and freaked out but he was adamantly opposed. Of course we love and adore our #3 and it scares me to even think about the fact that we might not have had her in our lives. Because of this experience, I know that we would feel the same way about a 4th.

I don't work but he does pretty well and we can afford it. It's not a financial thing with him. He's just over the baby stage. But since I SAH and will be doing most of the work anyway...

Are you sure it isn't an identity thing for you? Having babies/toddlers in the house vs school aged kids and starting a new chapter?