Feeling lost career wise at 40

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We all can't have everything in life. You've had a cushy situation for 20+ years and you never invested in yourself. Unfortunately you've traveled this far down this road, that you are right, you've wasted any sort of intellectual capacity. It's very sad that you are thinking back to grade school and high school academics as your glory days. I think it's time to accept that 20 years are gone and start making some good choices and investing in yourself. That means your partner will have to also shift his thinking.

Exactly.

OP here. This thread is one of the most mean spirited I have ever read on DCUM. Here I am recovering from my hysterectomy (which means I will never be able to have more children) which I am absolutely heartbroken about, and then I read the positively nasty comments on here when I am already at my lowest point between the hysterectomy and feeling like I'm in the middle of a midlife crisis trying to figure out a roadmap for my 40s. Newsflash: SAH and taking care of a child and a home/husband is not a waste at all. Over the past few years I have spent every minute with my child, seen every milestone, and made my home a nicer place for my family by taking care of all the housework and cooking myself. Congratulations, you have all made a heartbroken, depressed women feel even more depressed. I have never felt more depressed in my life than I have recently, and all you mean and nasty women have just made it a million times worse.

So you're still ignoring the helpful comments and choosing to only focus on the nasty ones?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's all be honest here. Either because of lifetime ADD or depression, OP has never really done *anything*. She flits from thing to thing every year or so. All of us who have had longer term careers know that it takes a lot more effort to stick out a job 5-10 years than it does to do what OP has done for the last 20 years:

- 18-22: college
- 23-26: JD
- 3-4 years of jumping around low paying non-competitive sort of legal-related jobs for $40k
- 2 (?) years of doing a masters in special ed
- 2-3 years of jumping around low paying non-competitive education related jobs for $40k
- 5 years of staying home with a kid, who for the last several years has likely been in preschool. OP didn't mention anything about even doing volunteering during this time.

OP is a classic non-committed job jumper who has been enabled by her parents and husband. She has never had to pay a single bill on her own salary. She isn't going to magically turn into someone who can commit to a job, or even a volunteer role, for more than a year.

I'm usually hardcore of the position that dads need to get a grip and spend more time dealing with shit at home in order for their wives to have satisfying careers. But I agree with the person above who said that OP has been essentially doing nothing for 20 years, her DH has been paying all the bills and working hard, and now OP is going to demand that DH starts chipping in more around the house and take time off work so she can flit around other low-paying jobs for the next 5 years solely to satiate her midlife crisis? If I were the husband, I would be peeved.

OP - the best you can ask for is to keep up with your PT job and/or do some volunteering at your kid's school.

You are incredibly rude and condescending.

And a poor reader. The OP volunteers part time.

Np here. I just went through thread. At no point did OP mention she volunteers. At all. I suspect as having ADD she probably finds getting house in order and managing kid challenging enough. Kid is only in school 6 hours -- unless she was organized it would be hard to make volunteer efforts work on that short time.

She doesn't volunteer, she works a (very) part time job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We all can't have everything in life. You've had a cushy situation for 20+ years and you never invested in yourself. Unfortunately you've traveled this far down this road, that you are right, you've wasted any sort of intellectual capacity. It's very sad that you are thinking back to grade school and high school academics as your glory days. I think it's time to accept that 20 years are gone and start making some good choices and investing in yourself. That means your partner will have to also shift his thinking.

Exactly.

OP here. This thread is one of the most mean spirited I have ever read on DCUM. Here I am recovering from my hysterectomy (which means I will never be able to have more children) which I am absolutely heartbroken about, and then I read the positively nasty comments on here when I am already at my lowest point between the hysterectomy and feeling like I'm in the middle of a midlife crisis trying to figure out a roadmap for my 40s. Newsflash: SAH and taking care of a child and a home/husband is not a waste at all. Over the past few years I have spent every minute with my child, seen every milestone, and made my home a nicer place for my family by taking care of all the housework and cooking myself. Congratulations, you have all made a heartbroken, depressed women feel even more depressed. I have never felt more depressed in my life than I have recently, and all you mean and nasty women have just made it a million times worse.

NP. I'm sorry to hear about your hysterectomy OP. I can imagine feeling heartbroken and depressed about that as well. What I wonder is, why were you planning on a long future being a SAHM to two kids but not to one? Is it that you don't want to be a SAHM to school aged kids? If that is true, then had you gotten pregnant this year, at most you'd only postpone this problem 5 years and then you would be back here anyway when #2 started kindergarten.

I'm just curious about why this sudden urge to go back to a full time job. Fwiw, this is coming from a fellow SAHM of 3 school aged children. Between caring for them (overseeing homework, helping them study, driving to activities, hosting play dates, cooking dinner, cleaning) and volunteering in their schools as well as somewhere else, I have a pretty full plate. My husband travels 1 to 2 days a week as well, which I already find stressful at times and makes me feel like if I had to cope with a paying job on top of everything else, I'd be pushed over the edge.

[Anonymous]

New poster. I'm sorry about the overly critical comments on here. Many women are forced to work every day at jobs they dislike just to put food on the table, so they aren't able to understand your perspective. You have two advanced degrees, so you have hardly wasted your intelligence the last 20 years. You just may need some help figuring out how to apply the skills youve attained, and you've received many great suggestions in this thread. The positive for you is that you have choices. I do think that your recent loss and grieving is clouding your ability to see your situation clearly. I think counseling might help you get to a better place where you can make clearer decisions that aren't clouded by your depression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can relate to a lot of your post, OP. I too have a JD and have inattentive ADD. Certain things happened in my marriage which were really disappointing, and a dealt with this by focusing on my own path, which included changing careers. While I did practice for a while I changed career tracks at age 40, returning to school for a counseling degree. I'm now a therapist and love it. If teaching or counseling is your thing I say do it! I'm 55 now and don't regret the career shift for a second -- I love what I do.

OP here. Thanks for sharing your story. I didn't know I had inattantive ADD until a few years ago but it explains a lot. I'm totally fine re: ADD when I'm a SAHM/only work very part-time, but when I work full-time I can't juggle work and home responsibilities very well and feel overwhelmed. I'm not forgetful/don't lose things/am always punctual but my ADD manifests itself mainly in feeling overwhelmed. I also have difficulty with boring tasks and keeping attention focused on boring tasks. I had a lot of difficulty studying but managed to get good grades. Anyhow, now that I'm aware of my ADD I can make use of coping skills which are very helpful and work well.

Anyhow, I don't think I want to go back to school for a third degree, but I'd like to make use of the JD and/or master's in teaching if possible. I preferred the school counseling focus I was doing over teaching.

Wow. this is making me wonder if I have some form of ADD, too - your description of feeling overwhelmed when having a normal panel of responsibilities really resonates.

I actually work full time as a freelance writer now - earn a decent living doing it (though couldn't keep the nice lifestyle I enjoy without my husband's more regular job and health insurance). I find that journalism and writing suit me well because unlike law - I am also a former lawyer - with a lot of fires to put out plus very very long term projects, writing involves more short bursts of focus, plus there is more getting to roam around various interests. Without a journalism background it might get hard to get started, but perhaps something with a similar rhythm to it would be good for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. You all are very mean. We've been married 15 years already and are planning to stay married. We met in law school, got married very young and while I never had a real career per se I worked full-time from graduating law school up until I gave birth, at various jobs (the most I ever made though was 40K per year).

I was only at my teaching career 2 years before I had my child, and decided to resign since my salary wouldn't have covered childcare costs and things would have been too stressful with DH's long hours and travel/no local family to help.

I've been a SAHM for 4 years and we save a ton that we'd have to outsource because I stay home. Besides childcare I do all the cooking and cleaning too. But all of this is besides the point. The point is that I am having a midlife crisis, and I feel like I don't really have a roadmap for my 40s, and I need a roadmap. My original plan was to be a SAHM, but secondary infertility unfortunately has ruined that dream (since I had to have a hysterectomy there is zero chance I will ever be pregnant again). I'd have to think long and hard before deciding to work full-time, it would make our lives so much more stressful. My child barely sees my husband now, and with me working full-time I think that would just be too stressful for all of us. I'd prefer something I can do part time, 10-2, and I could also work some evenings and weekends. I love the non-profit where I work and will inquire to see if there are other positions they might consider me for that are as flexible as my current job. However neither my current job nor any other jobs at this non-profit are related at all to law or to teaching/education, which bothers me. I would prefer to use one of my degrees in some capacity going forward, but I'm unsure how I could best use them. Of course I'd love to have a real career, but understand that that may not be realistic at this point.

Would fostering a child, or adopting a child, maybe help?

[Anonymous]

This is the pp who was suggesting looking into freelance or project work - I posted that before seeing that you are just recovering from a hysterectomy. I'm so sorry; it sounds like you are going through a lot right now. You don't have to figure out the rest of your life right now.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you to those who wrote more compassionate responses, I appreciate that. I think it was being faced with the end of my fertility that has spurred my recent mid-life crisis. I was able to have our first child very easily, then struggled with secondary infertility for over 3 years and then ended up having uterine issues that resulted in a hysterectomy. I am having a lot of difficulty coming to terms with my whole fertility journey (getting pregnant easily with first child then not being able to get pregnant ever again and then the hysterectomy). I saw a therapist for a year but it didn't help with my fertility issues. Now that my child will be in Kindergarten next year full-day (currently she is in half day preschool) has made me feel the need to figure out something career-wise for myself.

We are considering adoption, and have made some initial inquiries into finding a home study agency and working with an adoption lawyer, but I am hesitant on a number of levels about starting the adoption process.

And I do not feel that I wasted the last 20 years, that is just insulting on so many levels. I got two advanced degrees, I learned a lot of new skills from my various jobs, I own a home, I manage our household and do all the domestic duties, I've traveled, I've worked hard to build a community for our family (we are not from this area and don't have any family here so I have worked really hard to build a wonderful community/village of friends for us), I volunteer every year at my child's school on the PTA, and I have held a job for the last two years (yes, it's very part-time but still it's something and I will get an excellent reference from this job). I would have loved to have had a real career but for various reasons (my ADHD and being very directionless career wise) it didn't end up happening. That doesn't mean I don't want to start a career now, I very much want to have a career. But I have to balance that with the realities of my husband's career and how stressful his career and being gone all the time already is for our family. Part-time makes the most sense for me, and I think I can get back to something education-related, though I'm still unsure of what that might be at this time. I guess it may end up being a job instead of a career, but I think that will be okay. But it's a huge regret of mine that I never had a career, and it bothers me every single day. Seeing a career counselor is probably a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP:

I understand you were looking for paid PT work, not volunteering, but based upon the experiences you described as rewarding I wonder if you would be interested in CASA: court appointed special advocates for children. Your degrees & Mom experience would certainly be assets. Very best of luck to you.


http://www.casaforchildren.org/site/c.mtJSJ7MPIsE/b.5301295/k.BE9A/Home.htm