Ex husband and wife throwing a birthday party for our child

[Anonymous]

OP here, the party is next weekend and they changed the location to a neighborhood pool instead of their house. That makes things a little less awkward!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sucks OP. I think it must be very hard. But I would go. You are going to be dealing with him and the new wife for the rest of your life at every major life event for your daughter. So get started now.

I agree with this. It sucks, it's not fair, but it is what it is and this woman will be in your life for the foreseeable future. Just focus on your awesome kid and definitely make sure to take yourself out for a treat afterwards as a reward, you'll deserve it big time.

+1

If you choose not to attend these events it might be frustrating for your DD. This is the case with my DH/ILs even 20 years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should go. Are you not going to be there on graduation days, wedding days or when your grandchildren are being born? You just need to suck it up and paint a smile on your face.

As an adult kid of divorced parents this is right. My parents could not be in the same place for 2 hours for birthdays, graduations and my other big life events. My dad attended my HS and college graduations, but sat alone and left before I saw him after the ceremony. My mother threw my wedding, and refused to put my dad's name on the invite as "daughter of." My dad threw my sister's and until the last minute my mom refused to attend. Once I was married, I instituted the everyone is welcome but only if they can get along rule (20 years post divorce, BTW). My kids aren't going to have to deal with the crap they put me through. They can't, and have never been able to spend a Christmas morning with their grandkids or attend a grandchild birthday party. The tone you set now will determine what kind of relationship you end up having with your DD-- and her DD. It's been 6 years. Your Ex is extending an olive branch. Meet him halfway and try. Next big event, you throw the party and send him and his new wife an invite. Part of parenting is putting your kid first and doing things that suck. She will appreciate it one day, and it will pay long term dividends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Girl listen here.... I have bundles and bundles of compassion and empathy for you. My ex had a long standing affair that resulted in our divorce and his second marriage. She is a terrible person but a good stepmom so I really try during these events. I just went to a similar situation at a bounce house. I always ask to bring something (giving me cupcakes to stack in a tower makes me look busy but also like I am a happy participant) and I come right at the beginning and leave about 1.5 hours in. It burns. God does it suck. One time I sprinted to my car and as soon as I shut the door I burst into tears. But you have to do it. You want your kids to know that its ok to love her, its ok to have fun with dad and her, and its even ok to all do stuff together. Just plan to get drunk immediately after.

I could never do this. I would call her a cunt and a whore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girl listen here.... I have bundles and bundles of compassion and empathy for you. My ex had a long standing affair that resulted in our divorce and his second marriage. She is a terrible person but a good stepmom so I really try during these events. I just went to a similar situation at a bounce house. I always ask to bring something (giving me cupcakes to stack in a tower makes me look busy but also like I am a happy participant) and I come right at the beginning and leave about 1.5 hours in. It burns. God does it suck. One time I sprinted to my car and as soon as I shut the door I burst into tears. But you have to do it. You want your kids to know that its ok to love her, its ok to have fun with dad and her, and its even ok to all do stuff together. Just plan to get drunk immediately after.

I could never do this. I would call her a cunt and a whore.

Wow - that's probably why your DH left you...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girl listen here.... I have bundles and bundles of compassion and empathy for you. My ex had a long standing affair that resulted in our divorce and his second marriage. She is a terrible person but a good stepmom so I really try during these events. I just went to a similar situation at a bounce house. I always ask to bring something (giving me cupcakes to stack in a tower makes me look busy but also like I am a happy participant) and I come right at the beginning and leave about 1.5 hours in. It burns. God does it suck. One time I sprinted to my car and as soon as I shut the door I burst into tears. But you have to do it. You want your kids to know that its ok to love her, its ok to have fun with dad and her, and its even ok to all do stuff together. Just plan to get drunk immediately after.

I could never do this. I would call her a cunt and a whore.

Wow - that's probably why your DH left you...

No -- I am happily married for 30 years. But way to project. Why shouldn't she be called out on what she is?

[Anonymous]

Do you have a hot guy friend? Bring him as a date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can really empathize, my first response would be "hell no!" but the best answer is probably what the others have said. Go for a little bit, say hi to her friends and then quietly slip out.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girl listen here.... I have bundles and bundles of compassion and empathy for you. My ex had a long standing affair that resulted in our divorce and his second marriage. She is a terrible person but a good stepmom so I really try during these events. I just went to a similar situation at a bounce house. I always ask to bring something (giving me cupcakes to stack in a tower makes me look busy but also like I am a happy participant) and I come right at the beginning and leave about 1.5 hours in. It burns. God does it suck. One time I sprinted to my car and as soon as I shut the door I burst into tears. But you have to do it. You want your kids to know that its ok to love her, its ok to have fun with dad and her, and its even ok to all do stuff together. Just plan to get drunk immediately after.

I could never do this. I would call her a cunt and a whore.

Wow - that's probably why your DH left you...

No -- I am happily married for 30 years. But way to project. Why shouldn't she be called out on what she is?

Because it makes life uncomfortable for your kids when their one parent is emotionally stuck in a place of anger and hate and can't just be an adult and get on with it. Having your mom continue a war of attrition against your dad and stepmother is hell for kids. And don't give me the "I would do it when they weren't around" line- kids are humans and are emotionally perceptive and would easily be able to tell that their mom was stewing in anger every time she was around their dad and stepmom. You can't do it to them. If your husband cheats on you, figure out how to emotionally process it and get on with your life. Staying arrested in a place of fresh hate only ruins your own relationship with your kids and decreases your quality of life. My BIL is like this and it's pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girl listen here.... I have bundles and bundles of compassion and empathy for you. My ex had a long standing affair that resulted in our divorce and his second marriage. She is a terrible person but a good stepmom so I really try during these events. I just went to a similar situation at a bounce house. I always ask to bring something (giving me cupcakes to stack in a tower makes me look busy but also like I am a happy participant) and I come right at the beginning and leave about 1.5 hours in. It burns. God does it suck. One time I sprinted to my car and as soon as I shut the door I burst into tears. But you have to do it. You want your kids to know that its ok to love her, its ok to have fun with dad and her, and its even ok to all do stuff together. Just plan to get drunk immediately after.

I could never do this. I would call her a cunt and a whore.

Wow - that's probably why your DH left you...

No -- I am happily married for 30 years. But way to project. Why shouldn't she be called out on what she is?

Because it makes life uncomfortable for your kids when their one parent is emotionally stuck in a place of anger and hate and can't just be an adult and get on with it. Having your mom continue a war of attrition against your dad and stepmother is hell for kids. And don't give me the "I would do it when they weren't around" line- kids are humans and are emotionally perceptive and would easily be able to tell that their mom was stewing in anger every time she was around their dad and stepmom. You can't do it to them. If your husband cheats on you, figure out how to emotionally process it and get on with your life. Staying arrested in a place of fresh hate only ruins your own relationship with your kids and decreases your quality of life. My BIL is like this and it's pathetic.

+1

Also, all of the hate towards the new wife is misdirected. If you're going to be angry, get angry at the ex-husband. He is the biggest jerk in the whole thing.

[Anonymous]

OP here, my anger is directed towards both of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, my anger is directed towards both of them.

Are you in therapy for that? If he's married and has kids with her presumably some amount of time has passed. I don't blame you for not wanting to go to her house but holding onto anger isn't healthy. There has to be a way to let go of it for your own sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, the party is next weekend and they changed the location to a neighborhood pool instead of their house. That makes things a little less awkward!

That's great! Let us know how it goes. Your daughter will be really happy to have you there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is pretty nice of your ex and his wife to offer OP. My DH and his ex make their poor kid have 2 seperate birthday celebrations so they don't have to be in the same room together.

LOL Yes I'll bet the kid is suffering having to have two parties.

She's not having two parties, nor has she ever.

Many do with divorced parents. The dad with his new spouse, his side of the family and the mom has her celebration whether it's a holiday or birthday. I wouldn't go to my exes house, I'd feel like a unwanted ass even if I did get the sympathy invite which in this case is what OP received.

OP here, usually for her birthday, she invites a few friends over for cake and ice cream and they watch a movie. The reason her dad wants to throw this party is partly out of guilt because he's so focused on his other kid's birthdays (one who's birthday is around DD's) that he didn't take time to acknowledge hers.

It would be hell to the no for me. Not going and pretending all is well.


I was going to say go if everyone is ok with it, but then I read where he cheated with this woman. And this was suppose to be your house?

Yes, originally we were in the process of buying his current house together. Then it came out that his current wife was pregnant and he told me he was unhappy in the marriage and wanted a divorce. I wouldn't have been able to afford the house on my own so that's why I'm not living in it. He went ahead and put money together with his wife and they ended up moving in there together.

[Anonymous]

It would be hell to the no for me. Not going and pretending all is well.