Ex husband and wife throwing a birthday party for our child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Girl listen here.... I have bundles and bundles of compassion and empathy for you. My ex had a long standing affair that resulted in our divorce and his second marriage. She is a terrible person but a good stepmom so I really try during these events. I just went to a similar situation at a bounce house. I always ask to bring something (giving me cupcakes to stack in a tower makes me look busy but also like I am a happy participant) and I come right at the beginning and leave about 1.5 hours in. It burns. God does it suck. One time I sprinted to my car and as soon as I shut the door I burst into tears. But you have to do it. You want your kids to know that its ok to love her, its ok to have fun with dad and her, and its even ok to all do stuff together. Just plan to get drunk immediately after.

This post just makes me want to hug you.

You remind me of my best friend. Her DH did the same thing. She put up with him and his new wife so gracefully for years, so that their DD could have relationship with her dad. Never said an ill word about that prick in front of her DD (saved that for me.) I can tell you that when her DD became a teenager, she saw the writing on the wall about her dad. As a young woman, she is so close to her mom (my friend) and so appreciative of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girl listen here.... I have bundles and bundles of compassion and empathy for you. My ex had a long standing affair that resulted in our divorce and his second marriage. She is a terrible person but a good stepmom so I really try during these events. I just went to a similar situation at a bounce house. I always ask to bring something (giving me cupcakes to stack in a tower makes me look busy but also like I am a happy participant) and I come right at the beginning and leave about 1.5 hours in. It burns. God does it suck. One time I sprinted to my car and as soon as I shut the door I burst into tears. But you have to do it. You want your kids to know that its ok to love her, its ok to have fun with dad and her, and its even ok to all do stuff together. Just plan to get drunk immediately after.

This post just makes me want to hug you.

You remind me of my best friend. Her DH did the same thing. She put up with him and his new wife so gracefully for years, so that their DD could have relationship with her dad. Never said an ill word about that prick in front of her DD (saved that for me.) I can tell you that when her DD became a teenager, she saw the writing on the wall about her dad. As a young woman, she is so close to her mom (my friend) and so appreciative of her.

+1. PP you are amazingly mature and a great mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Girl listen here.... I have bundles and bundles of compassion and empathy for you. My ex had a long standing affair that resulted in our divorce and his second marriage. She is a terrible person but a good stepmom so I really try during these events. I just went to a similar situation at a bounce house. I always ask to bring something (giving me cupcakes to stack in a tower makes me look busy but also like I am a happy participant) and I come right at the beginning and leave about 1.5 hours in. It burns. God does it suck. One time I sprinted to my car and as soon as I shut the door I burst into tears. But you have to do it. You want your kids to know that its ok to love her, its ok to have fun with dad and her, and its even ok to all do stuff together. Just plan to get drunk immediately after.

I could never do this. I would call her a cunt and a whore.

I wouldn't nor would I talk negatively in front of daughter about them. I would have a separate birthday celebration with our own family, friends, etc. Most I know do that. When kids go to other people's homes they get the different rules real quick. This is no different, they get it about divorce and the changes involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would love to know how many of the folks posting here are in your shoes. So easy to say go. As for graduations, etc., they're down the road

OP, could you do it and not look upset? That is my concern. Have you done anything with them before?

Going is best for your daughter if you can look like you are having fun. Honestly, I think it's nuts that shared custody puts us in these situations. People who have not lived it do not get it.

We lived through this, at the graduation we sat by ourselves same with the ex. That also went for sports events etc. We followed the court ordered schedule, worked out just fine.

Holidays, birthdays weren't celebrated with the ex....none of us would have entertained that notion, lol.

What works for some may not work for others, each to their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would love to know how many of the folks posting here are in your shoes. So easy to say go. As for graduations, etc., they're down the road

OP, could you do it and not look upset? That is my concern. Have you done anything with them before?

Going is best for your daughter if you can look like you are having fun. Honestly, I think it's nuts that shared custody puts us in these situations. People who have not lived it do not get it.

We lived through this, at the graduation we sat by ourselves same with the ex. That also went for sports events etc. We followed the court ordered schedule, worked out just fine.

Holidays, birthdays weren't celebrated with the ex....none of us would have entertained that notion, lol.

What works for some may not work for others, each to their own.

To the other pp, shared custody didn't put you in this situation. Having a child did. No matter what else happens down the line, choosing to have a child with someone is accepting you will have a lifelong connection to that person no matter what. Adults have to do lots of things that suck when they bring kids into the world.

(This isn't a carp on OP btw who I think is handling this pretty well but some comments on this thread are beyond.)

[Anonymous]

OP -- If you can manage to go, go. However you get through it, your daughter will SO appreciate it and it really sends her the right message.

My parents were in a very similar situation (my dad had an affair with his close friend's wife and eventually married her; step mother was a good friend of my mom's -- pre-this, obviously -- when I was a kid and we used to vacation w/ the other couple and their kids). I wish my mom had sucked it up just once to do this thing you might be able/willing to do for your daughter. She never did and I didn't push it. I actually think that the fact that, six years later, your daughter still asks says FANTASTIC things about you as a mom and how you've been able to hide (or at least not put front and center) your bitterness from her. I split my time between my parents and never talked about my dad's in front of my mom; it made me feel like I had to walk on eggshells. And I did, because my mom couldn't have coped.

All of that is to say: If you can cope, do it. It's really worth it. If you can't, I totally get it and your DD will survive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would love to know how many of the folks posting here are in your shoes. So easy to say go. As for graduations, etc., they're down the road

OP, could you do it and not look upset? That is my concern. Have you done anything with them before?

Going is best for your daughter if you can look like you are having fun. Honestly, I think it's nuts that shared custody puts us in these situations. People who have not lived it do not get it.

We lived through this, at the graduation we sat by ourselves same with the ex. That also went for sports events etc. We followed the court ordered schedule, worked out just fine.

Holidays, birthdays weren't celebrated with the ex....none of us would have entertained that notion, lol.

What works for some may not work for others, each to their own.

To the other pp, shared custody didn't put you in this situation. Having a child did. No matter what else happens down the line, choosing to have a child with someone is accepting you will have a lifelong connection to that person no matter what. Adults have to do lots of things that suck when they bring kids into the world.

(This isn't a carp on OP btw who I think is handling this pretty well but some comments on this thread are beyond.)

It worked for us, no life long connection either! Sorry many don't share your view.

[Anonymous]

OP I wonder why they changed it to a community pool all of a sudden. Do you think his wife found out after the fact that he invited you, and she didn't want you coming to their house? I'm glad for you, now it's a neutral place..much easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would love to know how many of the folks posting here are in your shoes. So easy to say go. As for graduations, etc., they're down the road

OP, could you do it and not look upset? That is my concern. Have you done anything with them before?

Going is best for your daughter if you can look like you are having fun. Honestly, I think it's nuts that shared custody puts us in these situations. People who have not lived it do not get it.

We lived through this, at the graduation we sat by ourselves same with the ex. That also went for sports events etc. We followed the court ordered schedule, worked out just fine.

Holidays, birthdays weren't celebrated with the ex....none of us would have entertained that notion, lol.

What works for some may not work for others, each to their own.

To the other pp, shared custody didn't put you in this situation. Having a child did. No matter what else happens down the line, choosing to have a child with someone is accepting you will have a lifelong connection to that person no matter what. Adults have to do lots of things that suck when they bring kids into the world.

(This isn't a carp on OP btw who I think is handling this pretty well but some comments on this thread are beyond.)

It worked for us, no life long connection either! Sorry many don't share your view.

Just because your husband and you sit far from his ex at graduations doesn't mean there is not a lifelong connection. That's the parent of his child. Whether you like it or not, something that happens to the parent of a child affects the child which in turn affects the other child. Nobody is saying exes have to be BFFs but for you to deny that having a child with someone means you're somehow connected thereafter is nuts.

[Anonymous]

I was lucky dh and I were on the same page, I think that's the secret. We did the parenting together, if something did happen to the ex neither one of us would care. We don't particularly believe you are tied to a ex forever and ever, we sure aren't but if some do that's on them. Some of these comments are ridiculous, it's about choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, my anger is directed towards both of them.

Are you in therapy for that? If he's married and has kids with her presumably some amount of time has passed. I don't blame you for not wanting to go to her house but holding onto anger isn't healthy. There has to be a way to let go of it for your own sake.

No I'm not in therapy. I've moved on with my life. But there is some pain that still remains.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would love to know how many of the folks posting here are in your shoes. So easy to say go. As for graduations, etc., they're down the road

OP, could you do it and not look upset? That is my concern. Have you done anything with them before?

Going is best for your daughter if you can look like you are having fun. Honestly, I think it's nuts that shared custody puts us in these situations. People who have not lived it do not get it.

We lived through this, at the graduation we sat by ourselves same with the ex. That also went for sports events etc. We followed the court ordered schedule, worked out just fine.

Holidays, birthdays weren't celebrated with the ex....none of us would have entertained that notion, lol.

What works for some may not work for others, each to their own.

To the other pp, shared custody didn't put you in this situation. Having a child did. No matter what else happens down the line, choosing to have a child with someone is accepting you will have a lifelong connection to that person no matter what. Adults have to do lots of things that suck when they bring kids into the world.

(This isn't a carp on OP btw who I think is handling this pretty well but some comments on this thread are beyond.)

It worked for us, no life long connection either! Sorry many don't share your view.

Just because your husband and you sit far from his ex at graduations doesn't mean there is not a lifelong connection. That's the parent of his child. Whether you like it or not, something that happens to the parent of a child affects the child which in turn affects the other child. Nobody is saying exes have to be BFFs but for you to deny that having a child with someone means you're somehow connected thereafter is nuts.

We would be reeeeally ok if something happened to the ex. You should speak for yourself, everyone's situation is different. If it works for you great!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I wonder why they changed it to a community pool all of a sudden. Do you think his wife found out after the fact that he invited you, and she didn't want you coming to their house? I'm glad for you, now it's a neutral place..much easier.

I didn't question it, I'm just grateful for the change of venue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, my anger is directed towards both of them.

Are you in therapy for that? If he's married and has kids with her presumably some amount of time has passed. I don't blame you for not wanting to go to her house but holding onto anger isn't healthy. There has to be a way to let go of it for your own sake.

No I'm not in therapy. I've moved on with my life. But there is some pain that still remains.

It will get better with time, if you end up finding a great partner you may just thank his new wife. She's stuck with a cheater, chances are it won't last the long term. Either way she knows she can't trust him. *Wanting and having are two different things. OP set the boundaries with your daughter now that she's 10. She'll understand it's not going to be a "together" thing anymore. The teens are around the corner, she will be busy and friends will be her priority. Focus on yourself and your new life. Soon you'll wonder why you ever wasted any oxygen on this guy.

[Anonymous]

Are you "invited" or did DD just say she wanted you to come. If "invited", you should go and if not don't go.