Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a story for you OP.

My ex lives with a woman he's been with for years. They are all but married except legally. Woman purchased an expensive house. Woman made my ex call me.

"Because the new house has a bedroom just for our kids (that would be, the guest room), I am reducing your child support by $300 a month." The two of them decided that this money would be earmarked to defray the cost of her mortgage in exchange for the bedroom my kids sleep in four nights a month.

Now, my ex is a real jerk, but I could tell by his voice that he was extremely uncomfortable with this phone call. He was doing this because the new woman made him. He was doing this because he was putting her first, over our kids.

Of course CS doesn't work that way. You don't get to just cut it because your GF bought a house. So I politely declined to have my CS reduced and that was the end of it.

My point, obviously GF is acting in her own self-interest. It is not in the best interests of my kids to have their CS cut by $300 a month. This would seriously impact their quality of life.

GF is a decent person, I don't particularly dislike her. But I was really shocked that my children's stepmom would suggest something so selfish and absurd. If she needs $300 a month that badly she shouldn't have purchased the house.

In my anecdotal experience, not all step parents can be relied on to consistently act in the best interests of the step children. They do not all have the same degree of innate self-sacrifice that a nuclear-family or original parent hopefully has. People are selfish.

But really, this is 100% on your X-DH. He didn't have to pick up the phone. He should have told her no, I'm not going to do that.

Honestly, this isn't the Stepmom's fault, it's the X-DHs for calling, even if his voice sounded guilty while doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe, but that wasn't the scenario, which was $300 for a stepdaughter's dance and the second wife/stepmom quibbling over the fact her husband agreed to it, instead of taking the view that as stepmom she should welcome the chance to bond with her stepdaughter.

To be fair, if the kids are all "Thanks! Bye!" then run off and prevent Dad/Stepmom from enjoying any of the homecoming experience as parents, as far as Stepmom's concerned, it's throwing money into a financial and emotional black hole. no idea if OP of that thread cares, has attempted to care for, etc., her stepkids.

Sadly, I see this a lot. The Dad is expected to pay for things but not partake in them. If he wants to partake he's intrusive and controlling, if he says no giving the money without sharing in the experience, then he's not putting his kids first.

[Anonymous]

I mean, you're not seriously saying that it's okay for stepmom to resent the kids because they are needy, are you? Pro tip: Kids are needy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oftentimes, everyone does feel shortchanged. This is just the fact of the matter in "blended" or not-so-blended families. Nobody in my family is happy with how things turned out, so why should my stepmother expect us all to change to accommodate her wishes? Let her be equally as frustrated and unsatisfied as the rest of us. Nobody made her marry a man with kids and an ex.

What sometimes happens is that the dad just has more on his plate than he can handle. This was true of one man I dated, and we had to break up because he just could not manage it. Old wife, new wife, old kids, new kids, earning enough, spending time adequately-- financially, emotionally, and logistically the dad has bitten off more than he can chew, and cannot reconcile the competing demands. This leads to making promises he can't keep, failing to do an adequate job at any one of the many responsibilities, and a lot of stress. The new wife feels like she isn't a priority, but so does everyone else. It's his fault, and the new wife's, for being unrealistic about what life is like as a blended family. The poor kids have no choice, they are just dragged along for the ride.

This is key. I think a lot of men promise or present situations in a way to try to make everyone happy. In doing so, and not being totally honest, they often let everyone down.

+1. The flailing dad in the original thread, who promised to pay for the homecoming dresses without asking his new wife, is a great example of what happens when the dad is overwhelmed.

Also, the new wife blaming the situation on the ex-wife, when really it's her husband's fault for committing funds without asking his new wife, is textbook new wife. She needs to believe her husband is perfect, so all problems must be blamed on the stepkids or the old wife.

This, exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you're not seriously saying that it's okay for stepmom to resent the kids because they are needy, are you? Pro tip: Kids are needy.

I really don't think anyone is saying that.

[Anonymous]

The kids did not choose to be in the relationship. You did. Therein lies the difference. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why the need to marry the divorced guy/gal? Can you not have a long term relationship and keep the finances separate?

That works for some people, but the legal rights associated with being married are pretty well documented. A couple of social reasons I can think of would be:

- want to have a child together and feel that marriage is important for that
- want the social validation of "being married" vs. "being in a long term relationship"
- personal spiritual commitment

+1 I can't believe all the people here who really think you shouldn't get remarried if you have children.

Blended families are high drama, high stress environments for everyone involved. That is not fair to the children, who didn't ask for the divorce and who can't say "no" to a new step-parent and who can't move out before they are 18.

You shouldn't remarry if you are divorced and have kids. It's never good for the kids. The person most likely to abuse or molest your child is your new boyfriend or husband. That's an extreme example, but the spectrum of shitty parenting by step-parents is both broad and deep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you're not seriously saying that it's okay for stepmom to resent the kids because they are needy, are you? Pro tip: Kids are needy.

I really don't think anyone is saying that.

PP seemed to be forgiving stepmom for thinking about her stepkids as a "financial and emotional black hole" if kids didn't want to share the experience with stepmom, whereas that kind of thinking seems very wrong and resentful to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oftentimes, everyone does feel shortchanged. This is just the fact of the matter in "blended" or not-so-blended families. Nobody in my family is happy with how things turned out, so why should my stepmother expect us all to change to accommodate her wishes? Let her be equally as frustrated and unsatisfied as the rest of us. Nobody made her marry a man with kids and an ex.

What sometimes happens is that the dad just has more on his plate than he can handle. This was true of one man I dated, and we had to break up because he just could not manage it. Old wife, new wife, old kids, new kids, earning enough, spending time adequately-- financially, emotionally, and logistically the dad has bitten off more than he can chew, and cannot reconcile the competing demands. This leads to making promises he can't keep, failing to do an adequate job at any one of the many responsibilities, and a lot of stress. The new wife feels like she isn't a priority, but so does everyone else. It's his fault, and the new wife's, for being unrealistic about what life is like as a blended family. The poor kids have no choice, they are just dragged along for the ride.

This is key. I think a lot of men promise or present situations in a way to try to make everyone happy. In doing so, and not being totally honest, they often let everyone down.

+1. The flailing dad in the original thread, who promised to pay for the homecoming dresses without asking his new wife, is a great example of what happens when the dad is overwhelmed.

Also, the new wife blaming the situation on the ex-wife, when really it's her husband's fault for committing funds without asking his new wife, is textbook new wife. She needs to believe her husband is perfect, so all problems must be blamed on the stepkids or the old wife.

This, exactly.

+1. The dad makes unrealistic promises because he wants the relationship with the new woman, and she believes him because she has no clue about parenting. (Or possibly because he's so recently divorced that he himself has no clue what divorced parenting and finances are actually like.) He then realizes that he can't keep the new wife happy without messing up his relationship with his ex and kids. So he starts breaking promises to everyone, just to get through the day. He flails around for a while and eventually gives up. The new marriage and his relationship with his children are permanently impacted. He would have been better off staying married, or staying single.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I question op's premise. My kids come before my spouse and I hope he feels the same way. And I'm still on my first and hopefully only marriage.

Well if your kids are first then your husband is last. I don't know anyone that likes to be the last priority. Most women think its ok to put their husbands last behind their kids. That's part of the reason men get so unhappy in their "relationship" because the woman stops being sexual with the husband and the man becomes nothing more than a wallet and a whipping boy for her to complain about.

It is a mistake to put your husband last. Kids will grow up and move out. The husband wife relationship should be the one that extends beyond the kids growing up. Too often women simply say.... well... my marriage sucks but I'll stick it out for the kids.... and divorce once they are grown...

I don't think of my DH as "last"'even though I would put my kids needs before his needs. I guess the better way to put it is that we both prioritize the kids over ourselves or each other. I think that's just being a grown up. He's not a whippng boy I complain about and it's not like we never have date nights or get away by ourselves but we are at the stage of our lives where these kids we had come first and most of our attention and energy (and money!) goes to them.

I am neither of the PP... but the truth is.. men leave and die and leave women alone... their kids and friend usually end up being the support system in the end.

So... sorry men, we need other people in our life, you are important, but not the most important.

[Anonymous]

I didn't read all the replies but I think the short answer is when you are married to the father/mother of your child, even when you are putting the marriage relationship equal to your child, you both have a vested interest because it is your child. The default assumption is doing everything for your child except when you think it is to the detriment of teaching him/her to be a responsible adult, it puts a strain on your marriage or job, you don't believe your child should do or have x or financially it can't happen. I don't think in the step parent relationship there is that child centered default and in fact tensions are created over time and money resources. Money spent or time doing x for the step child is money or time not spent doing y as a couple. When it is your child you may be okay with that, when it isn't your child that may not be your first choice of how time or the money was spent but you make peace with that because your spouse has commitments as a father to his children and honestly you don't get a say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why the need to marry the divorced guy/gal? Can you not have a long term relationship and keep the finances separate?

That works for some people, but the legal rights associated with being married are pretty well documented. A couple of social reasons I can think of would be:

- want to have a child together and feel that marriage is important for that
- want the social validation of "being married" vs. "being in a long term relationship"
- personal spiritual commitment

+1 I can't believe all the people here who really think you shouldn't get remarried if you have children.

Blended families are high drama, high stress environments for everyone involved. That is not fair to the children, who didn't ask for the divorce and who can't say "no" to a new step-parent and who can't move out before they are 18.

You shouldn't remarry if you are divorced and have kids. It's never good for the kids. The person most likely to abuse or molest your child is your new boyfriend or husband. That's an extreme example, but the spectrum of shitty parenting by step-parents is both broad and deep.

I completely agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read all the replies but I think the short answer is when you are married to the father/mother of your child, even when you are putting the marriage relationship equal to your child, you both have a vested interest because it is your child. The default assumption is doing everything for your child except when you think it is to the detriment of teaching him/her to be a responsible adult, it puts a strain on your marriage or job, you don't believe your child should do or have x or financially it can't happen. I don't think in the step parent relationship there is that child centered default and in fact tensions are created over time and money resources. Money spent or time doing x for the step child is money or time not spent doing y as a couple. When it is your child you may be okay with that, when it isn't your child that may not be your first choice of how time or the money was spent but you make peace with that because your spouse has commitments as a father to his children and honestly you don't get a say.

No, you very much do get a say. It's your marriage and your life. Hopefully you and your spouse are on the same page as to what those commitments should be, but you absolutely get a say.

[Anonymous]

People are really deluding themselves on this board. If your DH left you tomorrow and you had a toddler, you can't really expect us all to believe that you're truly going to spend the next 16 years of your life alone because that's "best" for the kid. Come on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read all the replies but I think the short answer is when you are married to the father/mother of your child, even when you are putting the marriage relationship equal to your child, you both have a vested interest because it is your child. The default assumption is doing everything for your child except when you think it is to the detriment of teaching him/her to be a responsible adult, it puts a strain on your marriage or job, you don't believe your child should do or have x or financially it can't happen. I don't think in the step parent relationship there is that child centered default and in fact tensions are created over time and money resources. Money spent or time doing x for the step child is money or time not spent doing y as a couple. When it is your child you may be okay with that, when it isn't your child that may not be your first choice of how time or the money was spent but you make peace with that because your spouse has commitments as a father to his children and honestly you don't get a say.

No, you very much do get a say. It's your marriage and your life. Hopefully you and your spouse are on the same page as to what those commitments should be, but you absolutely get a say.

You have way more say than the children do, just because you're an adult and they're not. You had your say when you said "I do."