But really, this is 100% on your X-DH. He didn't have to pick up the phone. He should have told her no, I'm not going to do that. Honestly, this isn't the Stepmom's fault, it's the X-DHs for calling, even if his voice sounded guilty while doing it. |
Sadly, I see this a lot. The Dad is expected to pay for things but not partake in them. If he wants to partake he's intrusive and controlling, if he says no giving the money without sharing in the experience, then he's not putting his kids first. |
I mean, you're not seriously saying that it's okay for stepmom to resent the kids because they are needy, are you? Pro tip: Kids are needy. |
This, exactly. |
I really don't think anyone is saying that. |
The kids did not choose to be in the relationship. You did. Therein lies the difference. Grow up. |
Blended families are high drama, high stress environments for everyone involved. That is not fair to the children, who didn't ask for the divorce and who can't say "no" to a new step-parent and who can't move out before they are 18. You shouldn't remarry if you are divorced and have kids. It's never good for the kids. The person most likely to abuse or molest your child is your new boyfriend or husband. That's an extreme example, but the spectrum of shitty parenting by step-parents is both broad and deep. |
PP seemed to be forgiving stepmom for thinking about her stepkids as a "financial and emotional black hole" if kids didn't want to share the experience with stepmom, whereas that kind of thinking seems very wrong and resentful to me. |
+1. The dad makes unrealistic promises because he wants the relationship with the new woman, and she believes him because she has no clue about parenting. (Or possibly because he's so recently divorced that he himself has no clue what divorced parenting and finances are actually like.) He then realizes that he can't keep the new wife happy without messing up his relationship with his ex and kids. So he starts breaking promises to everyone, just to get through the day. He flails around for a while and eventually gives up. The new marriage and his relationship with his children are permanently impacted. He would have been better off staying married, or staying single. |
I am neither of the PP... but the truth is.. men leave and die and leave women alone... their kids and friend usually end up being the support system in the end. So... sorry men, we need other people in our life, you are important, but not the most important. |
I didn't read all the replies but I think the short answer is when you are married to the father/mother of your child, even when you are putting the marriage relationship equal to your child, you both have a vested interest because it is your child. The default assumption is doing everything for your child except when you think it is to the detriment of teaching him/her to be a responsible adult, it puts a strain on your marriage or job, you don't believe your child should do or have x or financially it can't happen. I don't think in the step parent relationship there is that child centered default and in fact tensions are created over time and money resources. Money spent or time doing x for the step child is money or time not spent doing y as a couple. When it is your child you may be okay with that, when it isn't your child that may not be your first choice of how time or the money was spent but you make peace with that because your spouse has commitments as a father to his children and honestly you don't get a say. |
I completely agree. |
No, you very much do get a say. It's your marriage and your life. Hopefully you and your spouse are on the same page as to what those commitments should be, but you absolutely get a say. |
People are really deluding themselves on this board. If your DH left you tomorrow and you had a toddler, you can't really expect us all to believe that you're truly going to spend the next 16 years of your life alone because that's "best" for the kid. Come on. |
You have way more say than the children do, just because you're an adult and they're not. You had your say when you said "I do." |