Why do children of a first marriage get priority over the spousal relationship in a second marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why the need to marry the divorced guy/gal? Can you not have a long term relationship and keep the finances separate?

That works for some people, but the legal rights associated with being married are pretty well documented. A couple of social reasons I can think of would be:

- want to have a child together and feel that marriage is important for that
- want the social validation of "being married" vs. "being in a long term relationship"
- personal spiritual commitment

+1 I can't believe all the people here who really think you shouldn't get remarried if you have children.

Blended families are high drama, high stress environments for everyone involved. That is not fair to the children, who didn't ask for the divorce and who can't say "no" to a new step-parent and who can't move out before they are 18.

You shouldn't remarry if you are divorced and have kids. It's never good for the kids. The person most likely to abuse or molest your child is your new boyfriend or husband. That's an extreme example, but the spectrum of shitty parenting by step-parents is both broad and deep.

This is such complete nonsense. Your absolutism is ridiculous, as is your fear mongering that step-parents are abusers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why the need to marry the divorced guy/gal? Can you not have a long term relationship and keep the finances separate?

That works for some people, but the legal rights associated with being married are pretty well documented. A couple of social reasons I can think of would be:

- want to have a child together and feel that marriage is important for that
- want the social validation of "being married" vs. "being in a long term relationship"
- personal spiritual commitment

+1 I can't believe all the people here who really think you shouldn't get remarried if you have children.

Blended families are high drama, high stress environments for everyone involved. That is not fair to the children, who didn't ask for the divorce and who can't say "no" to a new step-parent and who can't move out before they are 18.

You shouldn't remarry if you are divorced and have kids. It's never good for the kids. The person most likely to abuse or molest your child is your new boyfriend or husband. That's an extreme example, but the spectrum of shitty parenting by step-parents is both broad and deep.

This is such complete nonsense. Your absolutism is ridiculous, as is your fear mongering that step-parents are abusers.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why the need to marry the divorced guy/gal? Can you not have a long term relationship and keep the finances separate?

That works for some people, but the legal rights associated with being married are pretty well documented. A couple of social reasons I can think of would be:

- want to have a child together and feel that marriage is important for that
- want the social validation of "being married" vs. "being in a long term relationship"
- personal spiritual commitment

+1 I can't believe all the people here who really think you shouldn't get remarried if you have children.

Blended families are high drama, high stress environments for everyone involved. That is not fair to the children, who didn't ask for the divorce and who can't say "no" to a new step-parent and who can't move out before they are 18.

You shouldn't remarry if you are divorced and have kids. It's never good for the kids. The person most likely to abuse or molest your child is your new boyfriend or husband. That's an extreme example, but the spectrum of shitty parenting by step-parents is both broad and deep.

This is such complete nonsense. Your absolutism is ridiculous, as is your fear mongering that step-parents are abusers.

I agree that PP goes too far. But I don't think anyone should ever marry someone who already has kids unless they understand that those kids have a prior claim on mom/dad that you're not allowed to fuck with or sabotage or edge out.

[Anonymous]

Well regardless of the answers in this thread, you can rest assured the vast majority of the time, they don't. Sucks but it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

My father prioritized his second wife over me. Now hat he does not have to do any parenting he wants to be in my life. When my Mom passed away, I lost two parents as she was both.

I wish I was made a priority. No better way to screw up your kids up than to put them second to a new wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father prioritized his second wife over me. Now hat he does not have to do any parenting he wants to be in my life. When my Mom passed away, I lost two parents as she was both.

I wish I was made a priority. No better way to screw up your kids up than to put them second to a new wife.

What exactly does prioritizing the new wife over you look like? Presumably the "new wife" has been in his life quite a long time. It's bizarre to me how many of you are so dismissive of the "new wife" when in many situations the marriage has lasted much, much longer than the first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father prioritized his second wife over me. Now hat he does not have to do any parenting he wants to be in my life. When my Mom passed away, I lost two parents as she was both.

I wish I was made a priority. No better way to screw up your kids up than to put them second to a new wife.

What exactly does prioritizing the new wife over you look like? Presumably the "new wife" has been in his life quite a long time. It's bizarre to me how many of you are so dismissive of the "new wife" when in many situations the marriage has lasted much, much longer than the first.

+1 It is laughable to me that I'm still considered DH's new wife when our marriage has lasted three times as long as his first.

[Anonymous]

DH's ex loves to tell their daughter how he put me and our kids over her, and placed her last in his life. When really ex was just mad if he didn't do exactly what she wanted when she wanted. Her idea of coparenting was to dicate everything and if he didn't get on board, then he didn't care about his kid. Nevermind all the great stuff he did do for her and all the years he wanted more time but was refused it.

After the daughter hearing ad nauseum from her Mother all those years, she came to believe it, even though it wasn't true. So all you girls on here talking about your Fathers, maybe you want to take a look at your mom's part in things. Just saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH's ex loves to tell their daughter how he put me and our kids over her, and placed her last in his life. When really ex was just mad if he didn't do exactly what she wanted when she wanted. Her idea of coparenting was to dicate everything and if he didn't get on board, then he didn't care about his kid. Nevermind all the great stuff he did do for her and all the years he wanted more time but was refused it.

After the daughter hearing ad nauseum from her Mother all those years, she came to believe it, even though it wasn't true. So all you girls on here talking about your Fathers, maybe you want to take a look at your mom's part in things. Just saying.

That's what my dad tells my stepmom, and she totally believes it. He can do no wrong, so all problems must be blamed on his ex-wife and kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH's ex loves to tell their daughter how he put me and our kids over her, and placed her last in his life. When really ex was just mad if he didn't do exactly what she wanted when she wanted. Her idea of coparenting was to dicate everything and if he didn't get on board, then he didn't care about his kid. Nevermind all the great stuff he did do for her and all the years he wanted more time but was refused it.

After the daughter hearing ad nauseum from her Mother all those years, she came to believe it, even though it wasn't true. So all you girls on here talking about your Fathers, maybe you want to take a look at your mom's part in things. Just saying.

That's what my dad tells my stepmom, and she totally believes it. He can do no wrong, so all problems must be blamed on his ex-wife and kids.

Um, or maybe she was there sharing his life with him and saw it all herself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father prioritized his second wife over me. Now hat he does not have to do any parenting he wants to be in my life. When my Mom passed away, I lost two parents as she was both.

I wish I was made a priority. No better way to screw up your kids up than to put them second to a new wife.

What exactly does prioritizing the new wife over you look like? Presumably the "new wife" has been in his life quite a long time. It's bizarre to me how many of you are so dismissive of the "new wife" when in many situations the marriage has lasted much, much longer than the first.

oh yeah...my father and stepmother have been together now nearly 3x as long as my parents were...and my mother continues to spew bile and talk about his "new wife" and how she is to blame for a great deal.

Not that much changed - my father was selfish when married to my mother, and remained that way with my step-mother, though they were more on the same page (cheap together) and there was much less drama. My father hardly prioritized my step-siblings over his "first children" but then, he always prioritized himself over everyone else.

[Anonymous]

I think the main takeaway from this discussion (and the other one) is that people who are going to be shitty selfish parents are by and large going to be that way regardless of whether they're married, divorced, and/or remarried. Parents who prioritize their kids' needs are going to do that, regardless of whether they're married, divorced, and/or remarried.

And the DCUM schizophrenia of "YOU ARE SELFISH IF YOU DIVORCE AND REMARRY" vs. "NO I'M NOT BECAUSE I AM A BETTER PARENT WHEN I'M HAPPY" will just continue, right along with all the other ways we like to cut other parents down.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I can't believe all the self-centered step moms on here questioning the stepdaughters' lived experiences of neglect and being pushed aside once dad was remarried. "Oh noes you're totally wrong, it was your mom that was at fault!" When a mom who had most of the custody was the only parent who was always there for that kid. Sure, blame it on her, not on the dad who couldn't be bothered to keep trying with his kids through the emotional teens, or be bothered to keep trying to find a way to work through his issues with the mom and have a real relationship with his kids. Nope, the dad basically throws his hands up in the air and gives up and -- whose fault is that? -- it's all the mom's fault of course! The selfishness of it! Hey stepmoms, congratulations for wresting away a dad's attention from his kids! Score one for you! Hey dads, congratulations on giving up and starting over with the new fam and having none of it be your fault!

I cannot deal with these whiny stepmoms who are acting like children. Barf. What's crazy is that I bet some of them are children of divorce themselves, and know how sad and crazy making it is to have your dad's attention stolen away from you by the new mom. That's where some of the need for older male attention comes from! Not all stepmoms, of course . . . but, only connect, ladies!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I can't believe all the self-centered step moms on here questioning the stepdaughters' lived experiences of neglect and being pushed aside once dad was remarried. "Oh noes you're totally wrong, it was your mom that was at fault!" When a mom who had most of the custody was the only parent who was always there for that kid. Sure, blame it on her, not on the dad who couldn't be bothered to keep trying with his kids through the emotional teens, or be bothered to keep trying to find a way to work through his issues with the mom and have a real relationship with his kids. Nope, the dad basically throws his hands up in the air and gives up and -- whose fault is that? -- it's all the mom's fault of course! The selfishness of it! Hey stepmoms, congratulations for wresting away a dad's attention from his kids! Score one for you! Hey dads, congratulations on giving up and starting over with the new fam and having none of it be your fault!

I cannot deal with these whiny stepmoms who are acting like children. Barf. What's crazy is that I bet some of them are children of divorce themselves, and know how sad and crazy making it is to have your dad's attention stolen away from you by the new mom. That's where some of the need for older male attention comes from! Not all stepmoms, of course . . . but, only connect, ladies!

You sound a) unhinged. b) like a bitter ex wife.

[Anonymous]

I'm a first and only, not an ex. I guess I might be crazy, though. That WAS pretty ranty.