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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
OP, start with getting the in-laws to an objective third party to help them rearrange the finances the DO have. DH should not play this role, nor should you be involved (though it's likely you will be the one who finds DH a list of resources for this, HE should deal with his own parents here). Many banks will give regular account holders all kinds of free financial planning help if the customers just ask for it. But I would really have DH (not you) lead them on this, and get them to a planner who has already been primed by DH for the fact that mom and dad must figure out a weekly, monthly and annual budget and factor in mom's new job because that needs to be part of it.  Another place to look for financial counseling at no or low cost would be senior centers and their city or county government's department on aging (these have different names in different places so you may need to hunt down the right agency).

DH also needs to research hard and fast to see if they are eligible for certain kinds of state or federal aid, especially if dad can claim disability (he would possibly have to stop working to collect, though), or if they can get Medicare etc. This part of it is tricky to negotiate depending on age, whether FIL is truly disabled or is able to work (scaled back), whether MIL should work or not in order to qualify, etc.

But all this has to happen with DH accepting that he, not you, deals with them, and that he should not give them any expectation of any money whatsoever, even if that means telling them up front, "We'll help you get the planning done and the applicatons for program X for aid but we are fully committed to two college funds and our retirement as far as our own funds are concerned." OP, is he tough enough to tell them that, or will he cave?

For yourself, I would be armed with documentation of how much you will need for two college tuitions, your own retirements (which could last many years if you're healthy and live a long time), keeping your home without any risk, health and life insurance costs for your own family, etc. You might need to have a serious sit-down with your DH and show him that even if you seem now to have enough money to pay some bills for his parents, you have a lot of years ahead to cover for your own family, and you cannot put your kids' educations or your own retirements or health care at risk. If this starts to affect your marriage, please get to a couples therapist. There should be no reason to damage a marriage over this, but if he is not really able to see his parents' irresponsibilty or he makes you into a villain--you'll need to work on it.

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OP here - thank you for this.  It is very helpful.  I am not hopeful about the likelihood of getting them to talk to a third-party about their finances. A few years ago, a friend of theirs who is an expert actually offered to help them and they turned him down.  My FIL said that he did not feel comfortable having someone else tell him what to do with his hard-earned money.  He is old fashioned in all the wrong ways.  I can help DH research everything we can about state and federal aid, and give of our time in other ways that will prove helpful to them.  After reading some of the more helpful responses in this thread, I am inclined not to step in until they have spent down whatever they have (it is probably not much), they have looked into governmental assistance, and MIL has made some attempt at self help.[/quote]

They will need to spend down what they have in order to qualify for Medicaid eventually anyway, so they might as well just do it.  That also gives you and your DH more time to save and prepare.

+1 on the long time frame.  Your DH needs to understand what your future financial obligations are and plan accordingly.  I think you and your DH should get a financial planner or financially competent marriage counselor.  An objective third party can really help in an emotional situation like this.  Plus, financial planners are often very experienced with elder care issues and can probably help you out a lot just by being more knowledgeable than you are.

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