Ex-Wife Won't Stop Coming Into the House

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here = her name is not on the house. Yes, DD and I have had lots of conversations with her about it (in one ear out the other). I would absolutely love to move into a different house that is farther from the ex and her new husband. Yes, she is manipulative and deceitful. Yes, I knew that he had an ex. I have an ex who is not an issue in this way. The kids have a right to a relationship with mom. Kids are great kids. They may experience the same boundary issues with her when they grow up. No, I don't think just accepting it while everyone grows up sounds manageable to me.

PP stepmom here. If you would love to move to a new house, what is stopping you? Even if you can't move too much farther away, due to schooling or whatever, wouldn't it help just to make a fresh start in your own home that is new to all of you together?

(You sound great, btw, and it's clear that you are a decent person who loves her stepkids. I wish I could think of a more productive idea than moving, especially because the ex's lack of concern for violating your boundaries clearly puts her in borderline sociopathic territory, so it's not guaranteed to work. But there is something in all of these relationships that gets quite territorial, in my experience, in a somewhat primal way. I'm a really rational, self-confident person who pretty much has contempt for my DH's ex, who is by most measures a pretty terrible person, and not a threat to me in any way. But I have found myself actually physically recoiling from stuff that DH owns that are from his old marital home, like an old coffee pot. I just don't want "her stuff" in my territory. So maybe it can work in the opposite direction -- that if you stake your claim on new territory that is clearly yours and has never been hers, she will feel less entitled to tresspass upon it.)

[Anonymous]

NP here. How many more years until the youngest goes to college? If it's 3 years, just wait it out. If it's longer, then...I don't know, what about changing your work schedule so that you're "around" more when the ex pops by? Then she won't be as comfortable doing it, and she might stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you have had many convos with your DH (I assume DD was a typo) and he does not care.

Obviously this is more of an issue for you. It sucks, but without your DH on board what do you expect?

OP is not saying her DH doesn't care. She said she and DH have talked with her about it and SHE doesn't care. Obviously he doesn't want her in his house, either, and she is simply choosing to ignore that she makes other people uncomfortable. This is a woman who chose to cheat on DH and ruined their family -- she clearly already has selfishness issues, and what other people want or need just doesn't register with her.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, OP. It's pretty psycho to be dealing with someone so awful. And I don't agree with the posters who imply that you have no right to complain or feel upset because "you signed up for this". No one signs up to deal with someone who is this inconsiderate of others, and you don't have to just accept regular home invasions because this is a second marriage.

I am not sure that is what people are saying. I know that I said that she married a man whith kid who are close to their mother so she should mindful of that dynamic in taking action. I was not saying that she should not feel upset. What I am saying is that some of the advice given here is BAD advice because people are ignoring the dynamics of step families and making this about who is the alpha female in the OP's house. IME, this is a slippery slope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you have had many convos with your DH (I assume DD was a typo) and he does not care.

Obviously this is more of an issue for you. It sucks, but without your DH on board what do you expect?

OP is not saying her DH doesn't care. She said she and DH have talked with her about it and SHE doesn't care. Obviously he doesn't want her in his house, either, and she is simply choosing to ignore that she makes other people uncomfortable. This is a woman who chose to cheat on DH and ruined their family -- she clearly already has selfishness issues, and what other people want or need just doesn't register with her.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, OP. It's pretty psycho to be dealing with someone so awful. And I don't agree with the posters who imply that you have no right to complain or feel upset because "you signed up for this". No one signs up to deal with someone who is this inconsiderate of others, and you don't have to just accept regular home invasions because this is a second marriage.

PP here. I cannot read today!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you have had many convos with your DH (I assume DD was a typo) and he does not care.

Obviously this is more of an issue for you. It sucks, but without your DH on board what do you expect?

OP is not saying her DH doesn't care. She said she and DH have talked with her about it and SHE doesn't care. Obviously he doesn't want her in his house, either, and she is simply choosing to ignore that she makes other people uncomfortable. This is a woman who chose to cheat on DH and ruined their family -- she clearly already has selfishness issues, and what other people want or need just doesn't register with her.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, OP. It's pretty psycho to be dealing with someone so awful. And I don't agree with the posters who imply that you have no right to complain or feel upset because "you signed up for this". No one signs up to deal with someone who is this inconsiderate of others, and you don't have to just accept regular home invasions because this is a second marriage.

I am not sure that is what people are saying. I know that I said that she married a man whith kid who are close to their mother so she should mindful of that dynamic in taking action. I was not saying that she should not feel upset. What I am saying is that some of the advice given here is BAD advice because people are ignoring the dynamics of step families and making this about who is the alpha female in the OP's house. IME, this is a slippery slope.

Let me add that action taken is not the most important part about this. It is assessing the potential consequnces of such action and realizing the the dynamics may change for the worse. A lot of the advice here ignores the potential consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before going all crazy on her and your family, have you talked to your husband and has he talked to the ex? It might just need a simple conversation, but don't except the children to thank you for it. In fact they may end up being out of the house more to see her.

+1. Happened in my own family. As the stepmom, I let my DH take the lead on a similar issue. He took a hard line and made it clear that his ex was not allowed in the house at all and that all dropoffs/pickups happened outside. Well, the kids did not see this as enforcing boundaries and such. They saw it as their dad trying to marginalize their mom because he had a new wife. Heck, they could not even show her changes they made to their room, stuff on their computer, etc. So they gravitated more towards their mom and opted to spend more time with her at her house. We had 50/50 joint but they eventually asked if they could stay there most of the time. It hurt my DH deeply.

OP you married a man with kids who are close to their mom. We understand that you want to set your own family dynamic. Just be careful that you may get exactly what you want - with a price.

+2. I am the ex-wife and when my ex got engaged and his fiancee moved in, she made a rule that I was not allowed to come inside the house. She felt that she needed to establish boundaries and carve out her own space. I saw it as her attempting to assert her authority to me, which I didn't think was completely unreasonable, but it was communicated poorly and my child did not understand why all of a sudden I wasn't allowed in the house. The OP's stepkids are older, so they probably have a more nuanced grasp of the situation than does my 5-year-old, but it has resulted in residual tension that extends to other area's of DD's life. At her request, she is hosting her birthday party at my house this summer, but she is now concerned that stepmom will not be able to attend because of the rule at her dad's house. If she had chosen the party to be at her dad's house, it is actually not clear to me that I would be able to attend, because stepmom has been so strident about the "not allowed in the house" thing that they've actually left me standing in the cold rain on the porch while DD collects her jacket and backpack on a couple of occasions.

I don't disagree that the OP's husband's ex sounds like she's not respecting boundaries, but personally I feel that for the sake of the kids' mental health, at least one of their parents should be the bigger person and let this one go.

Stepmom here. It's really interesting that you perceive your ex's wife's boundaries as her "asserting her authority" -- couldn't you see it as her simply wanting to feel comfortable in her own home, and not being comfortable with her husband's former wife coming and going as she pleases? For me, it's not a "RESPECT MY AUTHORATAY!" thing; it's just that it's my home, my safe space, and I'm simply not comfortable around a person who has caused so much pain and is a continuing source of stress for my husband.

That said, I would of course welcome you in from the rain, as I would do for anyone out of politeness, and of course I would make you welcome on the occasion of a birthday party. It sucks that the whole situation was communicated poorly and that your daughter suffered. I just wonder if part of what was difficult for your daughter was your perception that it was authority-asserting and not as simple as not wanting your current spouse's ex to be in your home, with all of the tension that that typically entails.

PP here. I felt like it was hard-line "asserting authority" because of the lack of basic politeness. I wasn't showing up and sitting down on the couch and putting my feet up. I was showing up, making small talk for the 3 minutes it took my daughter to put her shoes on and get her coat together, and then saying "Have a great weekend!" It felt like she was making an example of me merely setting foot in the foyer. I haven't been in the upstairs (private area) of my ex-husband's house since a couple weeks after I moved out, when I was packing up the last of my stuff. That's his private space and I wouldn't go there, not even if my daughter invited me up to her room.

I actually didn't really have an issue with her needing to assert some kind of authority. She's the newcomer in the situation and needs to figure out what her role is in all of this, particularly in my daughter's life. I respect her desire to establish rules in her space and also her need to feel safe there. I just think it's fairly unreasonable to extend boundaries and safe space feels to things like the basic courtesy of inviting someone in during a winter storm for a minute. She didn't need to make me tea, but closing the door in my face was pretty disrespectful.

As for what was difficult for my daughter, it was difficult for her because she didn't understand why I was suddenly not allowed. Also because her stepmom said, "I don't want MyFirstName to come inside the house anymore" to my daughter. DD communicated this to me as "Why doesn't StepMom like you? Maybe you should be nicer to her. Why doesn't she want you to come inside?" My response was that if that's the rules at Daddy's house, then that's the rules we'll follow because we respect other people's rules in this family. Also that her stepmom and I do not know each other very well, but we both love her very much and want what's best for her. Then I send my ex an email asking him and his lady to please keep conversations like that between them and to explain things to DD in a developmentally appropriate way. Also to communicate things to be in advance so that I can adjust my own behavior to respect everyone's rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is not saying her DH doesn't care. She said she and DH have talked with her about it and SHE doesn't care. Obviously he doesn't want her in his house, either, and she is simply choosing to ignore that she makes other people uncomfortable.

He isn't much of a man. If I didn't want someone in my house, I guarantee you I would prevent it. I would do whatever it took. Period.

[Anonymous]

So the children aren't allowed to have guests in their home?

If the mom is hanging out there when you and your DH are at work, I don't see why this is a big deal. The kids are spending time with their mother. I don't see why this is an issue if you're not even there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is not saying her DH doesn't care. She said she and DH have talked with her about it and SHE doesn't care. Obviously he doesn't want her in his house, either, and she is simply choosing to ignore that she makes other people uncomfortable.

He isn't much of a man. If I didn't want someone in my house, I guarantee you I would prevent it. I would do whatever it took. Period.

See...this is NOT helpful. So what are going to do? Throw the parent of your teen children out on her ass?

I wonder how many people dispensing this crackerjack advice actually are part of a step family. Of course her DH is a man. He is considering and protecting HIS kids' feelings in all of this. That IS manly. He could lash out against his ex but I bet you dollars to doughnuts, that is exactly what she wants. Diplomacy is the key here, not "I would do whatever it took." This is your stepkids' mom for goodness sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So the children aren't allowed to have guests in their home?

If the mom is hanging out there when you and your DH are at work, I don't see why this is a big deal. The kids are spending time with their mother. I don't see why this is an issue if you're not even there.

I am a PP Stepmom here. It would not bother me either. In fact, I would prefer not to be there when she is there. And I think the step kids would look fondly on a step who did not attempt to restrict their interaction with their mom.

However, to OP and others, it is about privacy (and IMO, territory) and boundaries. They have a point to some extent, but as long as the mom was not snooping and eating up all my food, I would not flinch.

[Anonymous]

OP, she's in the house with her kids, right? They let her in and she is with them the entire time? Do you have joint custody?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before going all crazy on her and your family, have you talked to your husband and has he talked to the ex? It might just need a simple conversation, but don't except the children to thank you for it. In fact they may end up being out of the house more to see her.

+1. Happened in my own family. As the stepmom, I let my DH take the lead on a similar issue. He took a hard line and made it clear that his ex was not allowed in the house at all and that all dropoffs/pickups happened outside. Well, the kids did not see this as enforcing boundaries and such. They saw it as their dad trying to marginalize their mom because he had a new wife. Heck, they could not even show her changes they made to their room, stuff on their computer, etc. So they gravitated more towards their mom and opted to spend more time with her at her house. We had 50/50 joint but they eventually asked if they could stay there most of the time. It hurt my DH deeply.

OP you married a man with kids who are close to their mom. We understand that you want to set your own family dynamic. Just be careful that you may get exactly what you want - with a price.

+2. I am the ex-wife and when my ex got engaged and his fiancee moved in, she made a rule that I was not allowed to come inside the house. She felt that she needed to establish boundaries and carve out her own space. I saw it as her attempting to assert her authority to me, which I didn't think was completely unreasonable, but it was communicated poorly and my child did not understand why all of a sudden I wasn't allowed in the house. The OP's stepkids are older, so they probably have a more nuanced grasp of the situation than does my 5-year-old, but it has resulted in residual tension that extends to other area's of DD's life. At her request, she is hosting her birthday party at my house this summer, but she is now concerned that stepmom will not be able to attend because of the rule at her dad's house. If she had chosen the party to be at her dad's house, it is actually not clear to me that I would be able to attend, because stepmom has been so strident about the "not allowed in the house" thing that they've actually left me standing in the cold rain on the porch while DD collects her jacket and backpack on a couple of occasions.

I don't disagree that the OP's husband's ex sounds like she's not respecting boundaries, but personally I feel that for the sake of the kids' mental health, at least one of their parents should be the bigger person and let this one go.

Stepmom here. It's really interesting that you perceive your ex's wife's boundaries as her "asserting her authority" -- couldn't you see it as her simply wanting to feel comfortable in her own home, and not being comfortable with her husband's former wife coming and going as she pleases? For me, it's not a "RESPECT MY AUTHORATAY!" thing; it's just that it's my home, my safe space, and I'm simply not comfortable around a person who has caused so much pain and is a continuing source of stress for my husband.

That said, I would of course welcome you in from the rain, as I would do for anyone out of politeness, and of course I would make you welcome on the occasion of a birthday party. It sucks that the whole situation was communicated poorly and that your daughter suffered. I just wonder if part of what was difficult for your daughter was your perception that it was authority-asserting and not as simple as not wanting your current spouse's ex to be in your home, with all of the tension that that typically entails.

PP here. I felt like it was hard-line "asserting authority" because of the lack of basic politeness. I wasn't showing up and sitting down on the couch and putting my feet up. I was showing up, making small talk for the 3 minutes it took my daughter to put her shoes on and get her coat together, and then saying "Have a great weekend!" It felt like she was making an example of me merely setting foot in the foyer. I haven't been in the upstairs (private area) of my ex-husband's house since a couple weeks after I moved out, when I was packing up the last of my stuff. That's his private space and I wouldn't go there, not even if my daughter invited me up to her room.

I actually didn't really have an issue with her needing to assert some kind of authority. She's the newcomer in the situation and needs to figure out what her role is in all of this, particularly in my daughter's life. I respect her desire to establish rules in her space and also her need to feel safe there. I just think it's fairly unreasonable to extend boundaries and safe space feels to things like the basic courtesy of inviting someone in during a winter storm for a minute. She didn't need to make me tea, but closing the door in my face was pretty disrespectful.

As for what was difficult for my daughter, it was difficult for her because she didn't understand why I was suddenly not allowed. Also because her stepmom said, "I don't want MyFirstName to come inside the house anymore" to my daughter. DD communicated this to me as "Why doesn't StepMom like you? Maybe you should be nicer to her. Why doesn't she want you to come inside?" My response was that if that's the rules at Daddy's house, then that's the rules we'll follow because we respect other people's rules in this family. Also that her stepmom and I do not know each other very well, but we both love her very much and want what's best for her. Then I send my ex an email asking him and his lady to please keep conversations like that between them and to explain things to DD in a developmentally appropriate way. Also to communicate things to be in advance so that I can adjust my own behavior to respect everyone's rules.

PP stepmom here. Can I just say I wish you were my DH's ex? You sound so reasonable. And kind. And generous in presumption of good intentions. And adept at smoothing things over. And, wow, yeah, if all you were doing is coming in to make small talk for 2 minutes, how awful that she felt that she needed to cut off that simple, basic operation of cordiality.

When my DH and I first started living together, his daughter was in HS, and we always invited his ex over for things like getting ready for dances, taking pictures before dances, etc. the first few times she came, and I was relaxed and friendly to her and her new boyfriend, who was a really friendly guy too. Apparently she didn't speak to him for a week after one time because she thought he was too friendly with me and made her feel excluded from our conversation. I admit I sort of perversely took pleasure in projecting hospitality and friendliness because she was so hostile and uncomfortable. I knew that I was coming off as more mature and confident, which I am. A position of strength and authority for your daughter's stepmom would be for her to be lovely and polite to you, distantly cordial. By being so petty, she broadcasts her insecurity and weakness. Stupid move on her part for so many reasons, your daughter most of all.

I think OP's case is a lot different though, given the age of the kids and the intrusiveness of the ex.

[Anonymous]

PP stepmom, PP ex-wife here. Maybe you could give my ex's new squeeze lessons on how to handle it. I brought up my experience because I have heard how my ex's fiancee frames the situation to outside people, and it's basically "Ex-wife won't stop coming into the house, ex-wife does not respect my space, etc." I actually really support their relationship (both because from what I know, she is a good match for him and also because generally speaking, my life is easier when he is in a relationship as he is more stable then), but if she cannot adjust and join the club of cordial politeness that the rest of us have (I am remarried - my husband has never been anything but welcoming to my ex when he's needed to stop by for some reason), it's going to be difficult to have happy family relations.

She officially moved in in December, so my hope is that things smooth out this spring. In any case, I think that the OP could stand to work on being less annoyed by something she apparently can't change. Teenagers are not notorious for getting along well with step-parents, and escalating the issue is a pretty solid way to damage those relationships, which I assume are important to the OP.

[Anonymous]

Definitely want to work things out in marriage the alternative seems terrible

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids? It is awful she uses them to gain access to your house.

Get a wireless security camera and start recording her. Send her a certified letter she is not allowed in your home. I would report her to the police for unlawful entry if she tries to enter again.