Reply to Ex-Wife Won't Stop Coming Into the House

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Before going all crazy on her and your family, have you talked to your husband and has he talked to the ex? It might just need a simple conversation, but don't except the children to thank you for it. In fact they may end up being out of the house more to see her. [/quote]

+1.  Happened in my own family.  As the stepmom, I let my DH take the lead on a similar issue.  He took a hard line and made it clear that his ex was not allowed in the house at all and that all dropoffs/pickups happened outside.  Well, the kids did not see this as enforcing boundaries and such.  They saw it as their dad trying to marginalize their mom because he had a new wife. Heck, they could not even show her changes they made to their room, stuff on their computer, etc. So they gravitated more towards their mom and opted to spend more time with her at her house.  We had 50/50 joint but they eventually asked if they could stay there most of the time.  It hurt my DH deeply.

OP you married a man with kids who are close to their mom.  We understand that you want to set your own family dynamic.  Just be careful that you may get exactly what you want - with a price. [/quote]

+2. I am the ex-wife and when my ex got engaged and his fiancee moved in, she made a rule that I was not allowed to come inside the house. She felt that she needed to establish boundaries and carve out her own space. I saw it as her attempting to assert her authority to me, which I didn't think was completely unreasonable, but it was communicated poorly and my child did not understand why all of a sudden I wasn't allowed in the house. The OP's stepkids are older, so they probably have a more nuanced grasp of the situation than does my 5-year-old, but it has resulted in residual tension that extends to other area's of DD's life. At her request, she is hosting her birthday party at my house this summer, but she is now concerned that stepmom will not be able to attend because of the rule at her dad's house. If she had chosen the party to be at her dad's house, it is actually not clear to me that I would be able to attend, because stepmom has been so strident about the "not allowed in the house" thing that they've actually left me standing in the cold rain on the porch while DD collects her jacket and backpack on a couple of occasions.

I don't disagree that the OP's husband's ex sounds like she's not respecting boundaries, but personally I feel that for the sake of the kids' mental health, at least one of their parents should be the bigger person and let this one go.[/quote]

Stepmom here.  It's really interesting that you perceive your ex's wife's boundaries as her "asserting her authority" -- couldn't you see it as her simply wanting to feel comfortable in her own home, and not being comfortable with her husband's former wife coming and going as she pleases?  For me, it's not a "RESPECT MY AUTHORATAY!" thing; it's just that it's my home, my safe space, and I'm simply not comfortable around a person who has caused so much pain and is a continuing source of stress for my husband.

That said, I would of course welcome you in from the rain, as I would do for anyone out of politeness, and of course I would make you welcome on the occasion of a birthday party.  It sucks that the whole situation was communicated poorly and that your daughter suffered.  I just wonder if part of what was difficult for your daughter was your perception that it was authority-asserting and not as simple as not wanting your current spouse's ex to be in your home, with all of the tension that that typically entails.[/quote]

PP here. I felt like it was hard-line "asserting authority" because of the lack of basic politeness. I wasn't showing up and sitting down on the couch and putting my feet up. I was showing up, making small talk for the 3 minutes it took my daughter to put her shoes on and get her coat together, and then saying "Have a great weekend!" It felt like she was making an example of me merely setting foot in the foyer. I haven't been in the upstairs (private area) of my ex-husband's house since a couple weeks after I moved out, when I was packing up the last of my stuff. That's his private space and I wouldn't go there, not even if my daughter invited me up to her room.

I actually didn't really have an issue with her needing to assert some kind of authority. She's the newcomer in the situation and needs to figure out what her role is in all of this, particularly in my daughter's life. I respect her desire to establish rules in her space and also her need to feel safe there. I just think it's fairly unreasonable to extend boundaries and safe space feels to things like the basic courtesy of inviting someone in during a winter storm for a minute. She didn't need to make me tea, but closing the door in my face was pretty disrespectful.

As for what was difficult for my daughter, it was difficult for her because she didn't understand why I was suddenly not allowed. Also because her stepmom said, "I don't want MyFirstName to come inside the house anymore" to my daughter. DD communicated this to me as "Why doesn't StepMom like you? Maybe you should be nicer to her. Why doesn't she want you to come inside?" My response was that if that's the rules at Daddy's house, then that's the rules we'll follow because we respect other people's rules in this family. Also that her stepmom and I do not know each other very well, but we both love her very much and want what's best for her. Then I send my ex an email asking him and his lady to please keep conversations like that between them and to explain things to DD in a developmentally appropriate way. Also to communicate things to be in advance so that I can adjust my own behavior to respect everyone's rules.[/quote]

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