Ex-Wife Won't Stop Coming Into the House

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how long have you and your husband been married?

Do you have joint custody?

Do the kids want their mother to hang out in the house with them? I think you said DH has talked to them about this; what do they say?

About 3 years. Yes, we have joint custody. Not sure. Don't think they know any better than what they are used to. She can be overbearing but finds ways to fill her long days and is just the fun parent providing all the toys.

Your DH is probably afraid of losing that joint custody or alienating his kids. It can be really easy for the mom in a situation to get agreements to custody changed unfortunately.

Given that the kids are teenagers it's even easier for them just to stop spending time at dad's house and be really vocal about that and not liking step mommy.
It's not fair, but it is what it is.

Maybe some middle ground can be reached?

[Anonymous]

Are the kids girls or boys?

[Anonymous]

You married a man who's been married before and has kids with another woman. You don't get to be picky about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You married a man who's been married before and has kids with another woman. You don't get to be picky about this.

I am an ex-wife and I disagree. I don't even want to be anywhere near Ex husband's new home and new wife. The ex wife in this situation is being weird. And even if it's OK for her to visit her kids as a guest in his home, she should behave like a GUEST. The ex wife is behaving badly.

[Anonymous]

I am in a marriage that is the second for both of us. Both of us have kids. Kids range in age from 8-16. Kids are incredibly forgetful and we are shuttling back and forth more than we'd like to get things they need that are in the other house. The parent driving the kid ALWAYS waits in the car while the kid goes in to get what they need. The parent waiting in the car is not being shut out of the kid's life. It's a few minutes in the car, not a big deal. It's not my house -- I have no desire or right to be there.

The kids are going to grow up just like their mother -- not respecting boundaries -- unless you put a stop to this. But DH should be the one dealing with her, not you.
She has no right to enter into your house. She's really got some nerve.

I think DH should tell her that her repeated entry into the house is really disrespectful and that she needs to wait outside from now on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in a marriage that is the second for both of us. Both of us have kids. Kids range in age from 8-16. Kids are incredibly forgetful and we are shuttling back and forth more than we'd like to get things they need that are in the other house. The parent driving the kid ALWAYS waits in the car while the kid goes in to get what they need. The parent waiting in the car is not being shut out of the kid's life. It's a few minutes in the car, not a big deal. It's not my house -- I have no desire or right to be there.

The kids are going to grow up just like their mother -- not respecting boundaries -- unless you put a stop to this. But DH should be the one dealing with her, not you.
She has no right to enter into your house. She's really got some nerve.

I think DH should tell her that her repeated entry into the house is really disrespectful and that she needs to wait outside from now on.

She's their mom, not the UPS delivery guy.

[Anonymous]

Motherhood doesn't = doing whatever you please because it involves your children.

I'd hazard a guess that for the ex it has little if anything to do with "hanging out" with her kids and everything to do with annoying the hell out of her ex and his new wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You married a man who's been married before and has kids with another woman. You don't get to be picky about this.

I am an ex-wife and I disagree. I don't even want to be anywhere near Ex husband's new home and new wife. The ex wife in this situation is being weird. And even if it's OK for her to visit her kids as a guest in his home, she should behave like a GUEST. The ex wife is behaving badly.

If you say so.

[Anonymous]

The children aren't toddlers who need their mom's help retrieving an item, nor is she providing that assistance while inside the home. She's snooping, making a sandwich, and being nosy. That does not equal being a good mom. She's setting a horrible example for her kids. Waiting outside while kids run in the house to get something does not equate the mother to a UPS delivery guy -- give me a break. She's crossing a boundary and that is disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The children aren't toddlers who need their mom's help retrieving an item, nor is she providing that assistance while inside the home. She's snooping, making a sandwich, and being nosy. That does not equal being a good mom. She's setting a horrible example for her kids. Waiting outside while kids run in the house to get something does not equate the mother to a UPS delivery guy -- give me a break. She's crossing a boundary and that is disrespectful.

Having her wait on the sidewalk isn't a good example either. Making a sandwich isn't being nosy. Also, the OP needs to be the bigger person and welcome the mother of her DH's children into her home. Time to be gracious.

[Anonymous]

Change the locks and hire a housekeeper who works afternoons when the kids are there. Housekeeper can have the key to let the kids in after school. If the ex needs to drop something they forgot off, housekeeper can receive it and thank her at the doorstep. Small price to pay for keeping the ex out of your house until the kids are all off to college.

[Anonymous]

Since everyone is dispensing this great advice about keeping the ex out, let's take it to the next step.

How would you advise OP deal with the aftermath in the worst case? Suppose the 18YO says "I do not appreciate my mother being treated like this - I want to stay over there from now on!" Suppose the kids defy you and say "you are not even here when she comes. You said this is our home too and we are going to let her in if you are not here!" Suppose the situation really goes left and her DH says "I knew this was a bad idea - shoulda never let you talk me into it. Now my kids don't want to stay here."

See...we have 50 people telling her to limit or deny acces to the ex. That's the easy advice. What I do not see is anyone advising her how to handle any potential fallout. Before I took the step that many of you are advising, I would want imout on how to deal with what may come next. That will be the most challenging part of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since everyone is dispensing this great advice about keeping the ex out, let's take it to the next step.

How would you advise OP deal with the aftermath in the worst case? Suppose the 18YO says "I do not appreciate my mother being treated like this - I want to stay over there from now on!" Suppose the kids defy you and say "you are not even here when she comes. You said this is our home too and we are going to let her in if you are not here!" Suppose the situation really goes left and her DH says "I knew this was a bad idea - shoulda never let you talk me into it. Now my kids don't want to stay here."

See...we have 50 people telling her to limit or deny acces to the ex. That's the easy advice. What I do not see is anyone advising her how to handle any potential fallout. Before I took the step that many of you are advising, I would want imout on how to deal with what may come next. That will be the most challenging part of this.

Yeah, you raise a good point. I guess all OP can do is put a lock on her own bedroom/office, keep her personal stuff away from the ex, and let it go. I suppose a ham sandwich is a small price to pay for everyone getting along, OP.

I disagree with what the ex is doing but you do not want to be the bad guy here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm dealing with a STBX who moved out and now is being anal about my never coming in the house unless he invites me at a particular time, in advance, even if it is necessary for the kids to go in the house, and to never ever enter his house if he is not there. Maybe he is afraid that his girlfriend and I would cross paths or something. His way of enforcing it is to be a nasty asshole about it, using lots of overblown rhetoric and baseless accusations. You could try that -- it sure works to keep me well clear of the place.

And by the way, when it suits him, he will apply a double standard, so that he expects to be able to enter my house when I'm not here if it's convenient for him.

My feeling about it is that we trusted each other for over 20 years and neither of us is untrustworthy now, so we should be relaxed about it. Instead he's creating a lot of gratuitous drama, as if he's in a made-for-tv movie.

You're might have trusted each other for 20 years, but you don't live together now and it's not appropriate to simply barge into another person's home without invitation, ever, and certainly when they are not home. It is YOU who are creating tv-movie drama by not respecting normal boundaries.

It's not acceptable for him to think he can enter your house, either. Maybe you both should change your locks and respect each other's privacy and homes a bit more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You married a man who's been married before and has kids with another woman. You don't get to be picky about this.

I am an ex-wife and I disagree. I don't even want to be anywhere near Ex husband's new home and new wife. The ex wife in this situation is being weird. And even if it's OK for her to visit her kids as a guest in his home, she should behave like a GUEST. The ex wife is behaving badly.

+10000

The ex is behaving badly, and the OP has a right to privacy and peaceful enjoyment of her home, and part of that is being able to define boundaries about when people who do not live with you come to your house.