Ex-Wife Won't Stop Coming Into the House

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before going all crazy on her and your family, have you talked to your husband and has he talked to the ex? It might just need a simple conversation, but don't except the children to thank you for it. In fact they may end up being out of the house more to see her.

+1. Happened in my own family. As the stepmom, I let my DH take the lead on a similar issue. He took a hard line and made it clear that his ex was not allowed in the house at all and that all dropoffs/pickups happened outside. Well, the kids did not see this as enforcing boundaries and such. They saw it as their dad trying to marginalize their mom because he had a new wife. Heck, they could not even show her changes they made to their room, stuff on their computer, etc. So they gravitated more towards their mom and opted to spend more time with her at her house. We had 50/50 joint but they eventually asked if they could stay there most of the time. It hurt my DH deeply.

OP you married a man with kids who are close to their mom. We understand that you want to set your own family dynamic. Just be careful that you may get exactly what you want - with a price.

Yep, exactly. My parents divorced when I was 8. If my dad would have pushed something like this, I would have resented him for it. If my stepmom had, I would have HATED her for it. Keep in mind that the kids will grow up to be adults, with children of their own. Right now is when you earn (or lose) the trust and allegiance of those kids. Fighting a battle over allowing THEIR MOTHER into THEIR HOME will mean you'll likely end up losing on a much larger scale.

What are you really concerned about? Do you believe she's digging through your things? Judging your spice cabinet? Or might she just be spendin time with her children in their home?

I agree with these posters. OP I understand why you might not want her in the house, but think of the kids in this. I was the kid in a situation like this my dad decided to force a hardline and I ended up spending more and more time with my mom, my dad and my former step mom are no longer married, but my dad and I are still very distant.
As life would have it I am now a stepmom and my stepkids mother is welcome in our home anytime. She's their mom. No we aren't best friends but she hasn't done anything so disrespectful that I'd want to ban her from the home.

[Anonymous]

I preface this by saying I don't understand your viewpoint I'm a step mother with kids. My kids go to the exes house and hang out and vice versa we are like that very open door for the good of the kids.

But I think this is one thing I would let go if she's not snooping and just hanging out with the kids let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids? It is awful she uses them to gain access to your house.

Get a wireless security camera and start recording her. Send her a certified letter she is not allowed in your home. I would report her to the police for unlawful entry if she tries to enter again.

This is pretty much the dumbest advice I have ever heard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids? It is awful she uses them to gain access to your house.

Get a wireless security camera and start recording her. Send her a certified letter she is not allowed in your home. I would report her to the police for unlawful entry if she tries to enter again.

This is pretty much the dumbest advice I have ever heard.

You must be a divorcee. Now get off my lawn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is not saying her DH doesn't care. She said she and DH have talked with her about it and SHE doesn't care. Obviously he doesn't want her in his house, either, and she is simply choosing to ignore that she makes other people uncomfortable.

He isn't much of a man. If I didn't want someone in my house, I guarantee you I would prevent it. I would do whatever it took. Period.

See...this is NOT helpful. So what are going to do? Throw the parent of your teen children out on her ass?

I wonder how many people dispensing this crackerjack advice actually are part of a step family. Of course her DH is a man. He is considering and protecting HIS kids' feelings in all of this. That IS manly. He could lash out against his ex but I bet you dollars to doughnuts, that is exactly what she wants. Diplomacy is the key here, not "I would do whatever it took." This is your stepkids' mom for goodness sake.

She'd be too fucking scared to set foot across my doorstep.

And the kids would know better than to admit her in the first place.

He's a pussy. A man who won't defend his own house won't defend anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So the children aren't allowed to have guests in their home?

If the mom is hanging out there when you and your DH are at work, I don't see why this is a big deal. The kids are spending time with their mother. I don't see why this is an issue if you're not even there.

Because it's super weird for the mom to be hanging out with the kids at her ex's house when he isn't there! Why doesn't she hang out with the kids at her own house?? The kids are all teenagers, they don't need constant babysitting. I can understand once in a blue moon if she is dropping off the kids and was planning to meet her ex to discuss something and she waited for him to get home. But there is really no reason for this hanging out to happen where she is clearly not wanted.

[Anonymous]

When I was a teen I was always wanting to show my mom stuff at my dad's house. It's the kids' home, and she is their mom. Don't be an idiot op. Put yourself in the kids' shoes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The OP did not say anything about the kids wanting their mom to be the house. Do they?
I still don't see why the ex insists on hanging out in the house and why you have to put up with it.

Actually the OP seems to have left the kids out of her consideration entirely.

[Anonymous]

Get cameras and a speaker system. When you see her in the house tell her over the loudspeakers, "Jane, you got what you came for, please leave." Or, "Jane, get out of my underwear drawer and leave the premises."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get cameras and a speaker system. When you see her in the house tell her over the loudspeakers, "Jane, you got what you came for, please leave." Or, "Jane, get out of my underwear drawer and leave the premises."

It sounds like Jane is just hanging out in the kitchen with her kids. I haven't read anything about her snooping around.

[Anonymous]

OP here again = kids have not been left out of consideration. Have never said a word to them about their mom. She has been known to snoop. Before I moved in, my husband has told me about things "missing" including tax returns (his not theirs) and items left by a prior girlfriend. There is a history here. This is not somebody I would be friends with (i.e., has a disabled parking sticker and not disabled).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids? It is awful she uses them to gain access to your house.

Get a wireless security camera and start recording her. Send her a certified letter she is not allowed in your home. I would report her to the police for unlawful entry if she tries to enter again.

This is pretty much the dumbest advice I have ever heard.

The kids age question was addressed much earlier in this, 10, 13, and 18.

This whole situation seems fishy to me. The kids are old enough to "not forget things" and the mom needs to get a job from the sounds of it. I have seen enough people shift kids back and forth between parents, you drop them off outside the house and that is the end of it.

[Anonymous]

I think at the very least, you need to get a lock on your bedroom door & keep a safe in there, that the kids & mom don't have access to at all when you're not there.

More ideally, I would have your husband be honest and direct with his ex-wife, that due to prior behavior and things going missing, it's just not feasible to continue unsupervised access to the home. Then, talk to the kids and explain that they need to pack thoroughly and coming back to get things won't be an option - what they forget, they will do without. Changes the locks, install a security system, and have it running when the kids aren't supposed to be in your home. Let the alarm go off on them, let them call you in a panic. It won't happen again.

I would avoid lawyers and all that, given that it would escalate unnecessarily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think at the very least, you need to get a lock on your bedroom door & keep a safe in there, that the kids & mom don't have access to at all when you're not there.

More ideally, I would have your husband be honest and direct with his ex-wife, that due to prior behavior and things going missing, it's just not feasible to continue unsupervised access to the home. Then, talk to the kids and explain that they need to pack thoroughly and coming back to get things won't be an option - what they forget, they will do without. Changes the locks, install a security system, and have it running when the kids aren't supposed to be in your home. Let the alarm go off on them, let them call you in a panic. It won't happen again.

I would avoid lawyers and all that, given that it would escalate unnecessarily.

That is extremely unreasonable and hard on the kids. Try living in two houses-- I bet you'll forget things sometimes. And it's not just forgetting, it's unanticipated needs. What if something in their schedule changes due to circumstances out of their control? Like what if their soccer game is rescheduled due to weather, so they need their cleats unexpectedly. You are essentially banning the kids from their own house. They will resent all their parents and stepmother for letting it come to this, but especially the stepmother for forcing the issue, and as PPs have said, it will likely push them closer to their mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think at the very least, you need to get a lock on your bedroom door & keep a safe in there, that the kids & mom don't have access to at all when you're not there.

More ideally, I would have your husband be honest and direct with his ex-wife, that due to prior behavior and things going missing, it's just not feasible to continue unsupervised access to the home. Then, talk to the kids and explain that they need to pack thoroughly and coming back to get things won't be an option - what they forget, they will do without. Changes the locks, install a security system, and have it running when the kids aren't supposed to be in your home. Let the alarm go off on them, let them call you in a panic. It won't happen again.

I would avoid lawyers and all that, given that it would escalate unnecessarily.

That is extremely unreasonable and hard on the kids. Try living in two houses-- I bet you'll forget things sometimes. And it's not just forgetting, it's unanticipated needs. What if something in their schedule changes due to circumstances out of their control? Like what if their soccer game is rescheduled due to weather, so they need their cleats unexpectedly. You are essentially banning the kids from their own house. They will resent all their parents and stepmother for letting it come to this, but especially the stepmother for forcing the issue, and as PPs have said, it will likely push them closer to their mother.

If my stepmother treated me this way, I'd never speak to her again.