He says he's old-fashioned, but keeps letting me set up dates, and pay

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good call, OP. At best he is really cheap. I also find this really strange:

"When it's time to leave, he gets up from the table and just leaves the little bill-container-envelope on the table. I think maybe he paid while I was in the bathroom, but don't want to assume anything, so I grab it and follow him. At this point he's like, right, we should pay at the bar."

I wasn't there so maybe it played out differently, but it kind of sounds like he was planning to pull a dine and dash and just stroll on out of the restaurant. If he was already walking away and you hadn't said anything, wouldn't it just have stayed unpaid at the table?

And then him having the bartender re-run the check to split it - wow. No es bueno.

You're not wrong about how it played out - I went to the bathroom. Bill came while I was in the bathroom. When I got back to the table, we took our coats, etc. and he walked away from the table first, leaving the bill holder on the table, which I then picked up and followed him with. At the time, I didn't think of the dine-and-dash thing, but reading through the responses, it could have been a possibility, whether deliberately (I don't like to think so) or just due to absent-mindedness.

And yes, asking the bartender to split it after he put it all on his car was cringe-inducing. It wasn't even that expensive - about $80 including tip. I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, because we'd had a really good date that night, and since I'd pulled out my card first on the first date, thought maybe he thought that I was insistent on paying for myself, so I went with it. Between that and last night, I'm fully convinced he has no intention of paying, at least not until I agree to exclusivity. The way things have gone, I'm not agreeing to that, and probably not seeing him at all anymore, so the whole 'who pays' thing just becomes a really vicious circle and moot point.

Gosh, that is so unbelievably rude. Either he was trying to pull a dine-and-dash, or he just assumed you would pick up the bill and follow behind him, like the maid. Not sure which is worse.

He was probably hoping you would offer to pay the whole thing. He sounds like a cheap weasel with some serious personality issues, who is looking for a woman with low enough self esteem to put up with his schtick. OP, you sound quite nice. I would run like hell away from this dude. You do not want to be dealing with the kind of clueless fool who regularly walks away from checks. I mean, what if you had assumed he paid the bill, followed behind him, and left the restaurant? And what if the wait staff didnt take kindly to that and followed you out and decided to call the police? I mean... it's not outlandish. Had you not taken control of the situation, and he had just walked out, it really could have gone downhill fast. At the very least it would have been a highly embarrassing scene. This dude has serious issues, ones I would not want to take on.

[Anonymous]

^To add, a gentleman, the kind of guy you end up with, treats you like a queen and never wants to make you even worry about paying the check. Let alone forcing you into the position of de facto bill-taker-carer. It's really beyond the pail.

[Anonymous]

OP this thread has become very interesting…curious how things will go for you (and not in a DCUM voyeuristic way). Keep us updated!

[Anonymous]

I am curious why the original poster hasn't said anything about looking this guy up on pipl.com.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^To add, a gentleman, the kind of guy you end up with, treats you like a queen and never wants to make you even worry about paying the check. Let alone forcing you into the position of de facto bill-taker-carer. It's really beyond the pail.

Exactly. It sounds like he was trying to set her up- like if she didn't pick up the bill from the table he would've called her out for being 'entitled' and wrong for assuming he must've paid it.
Going Dutch on dates is fine if that's what you want to do, but it should not be assumed or forced upon you. Adults don't leave bills sitting on tables like they don't see them. The guy is undateable for that reason alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^To add, a gentleman, the kind of guy you end up with, treats you like a queen and never wants to make you even worry about paying the check. Let alone forcing you into the position of de facto bill-taker-carer. It's really beyond the pail.

Exactly. It sounds like he was trying to set her up- like if she didn't pick up the bill from the table he would've called her out for being 'entitled' and wrong for assuming he must've paid it.
Going Dutch on dates is fine if that's what you want to do, but it should not be assumed or forced upon you. Adults don't leave bills sitting on tables like they don't see them. The guy is undateable for that reason alone.

+1

[Anonymous]

Good luck, OP. Please keep us posted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good luck, OP. Please keep us posted.

x2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been out with this guy twice now, with a third date scheduled for tomorrow. We're both in our mid-30s, met online. Both university-educated and have good jobs.

His profile said he was a bit old-fashioned, and so I'm a bit surprised at some of his choices. For our first date, he asked me out, and chose the restaurant. It's worth noting that I had suggested just drinks, but he wanted dinner so we could get to know each other better. At the end of the date, when the bill came, I pulled out my credit card, and he pulled out his, and we split the bill. I'm cool with that, but would pay for someone's dinner if I was the one who said we should have said dinner, instead of just drinks like they suggested.

Second date, he asks, but suggests that I pick the place. He then insists I pick the wine, and the appetizers we share. When the bill comes, I'm in the bathroom. When it's time to leave, he gets up from the table and just leaves the little bill-container-envelope on the table. I think maybe he paid while I was in the bathroom, but don't want to assume anything, so I grab it and follow him. At this point he's like, right, we should pay at the bar. So I put my card into the little holder thing, he puts his on top of mine, and gives the envelope thingee to the bartender. Apparently the bartender put the whole total on his card, because he asks bartender "aren't you going to split this?" Bartender then splits it, and we each pay half.

For our date tomorrow night, again he suggested I pick the restaurant, so I have. I guess I'm just confused. I'm cool with splitting things (wouldn't keep agreeing to dates if I wasn't) and I have plenty of restaurants I like that I can suggest, but it seems odd that he's pretty insistent about both since he specifically mentioned he's old-fashioned. He does seem old-fashioned, in that he told a story about wanting to make sure his sister's fiance was able to financially take care of a family. It's worth noting that just on these two dates, we've established that he's a pickier eater than I am, so having me choose repeatedly doesn't necessarily make sense. He definitely seems interested, in that he contacts me daily, wanted to see each other twice this weekend, etc. All I can figure is that maybe he's letting me pick the restaurants because he doesn't want to suggest anything himself that might be more than I wanted to spend, since I'm paying for myself?

Also might be worth noting that he hasn't asked for my phone number, or given me his, yet. I've never gone on more than one date with someone from online before that happened. We're still just messaging on the site.

So, thoughts? Why the insistence on me choosing (from the locations to the wine to the food)? Why the deliberate bill-splitting, if he's old-fashioned? Is he just not that into me? I fully expect a number of posters to flame me for even mentioning money and say I'm a gold-digger, but other than not posting this, I can't control it.

If we're going "dutch" I don't consider it a date. I wouldn't go out with him again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am curious why the original poster hasn't said anything about looking this guy up on pipl.com.

OP here: I looked him up there, and it yielded the links I'd already found - to the LinkedIn and FB pages with his last name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am curious why the original poster hasn't said anything about looking this guy up on pipl.com.

OP here: I looked him up there, and it yielded the links I'd already found - to the LinkedIn and FB pages with his last name.

OP any update with this guy? What are you gonna do if he messages you for dinner?

[Anonymous]

"Women are not built so that it's an equal risk in relationships. An analogy might be: a man who commits is betting one dollar while a woman who commits is betting twenty dollars simply based on the biology of becoming pregnant, having options, say, as an older divorced woman, so forth. "

Haha. When men start popping babies out of their asses, I'll start paying for dinner on a date

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Women are not built so that it's an equal risk in relationships. An analogy might be: a man who commits is betting one dollar while a woman who commits is betting twenty dollars simply based on the biology of becoming pregnant, having options, say, as an older divorced woman, so forth. "

Haha. When men start popping babies out of their asses, I'll start paying for dinner on a date

Exactly. Or when men start being considered old at 40 and unable to reproduce without ART.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) ask for phone number. Be direct 3rd date, time to start contacting directly.

2) ask what old fashioned means? Does it mean wait till marriage for sex? Does it mean "I expect the woman to do the cooking, cleaning and child care while I work and play golf?" etc. so many different iterations of this.

3) I always preferred splitting or alternating the bill when I was dating because I never felt that I "owed" any man anything, and if I decided I wasn't into someone, at least they didn't feel like they were used. That being said, most men who were really into me at least tried to pay. Once dating is established, I prefer alternating, being taken out or taking someone out, but not splitting (seems so...miserly).

4) if you and he are both gainfully employed, there's no reason why you shouldn't pay, particularly in the early stages in the relationship for all sorts of reasons. (If we women want to be paid equally in the workplace, we should expect equality in other ways). That being said, I would pay more attention to other things--how he treats you, other people, whether he can move to the next stage in the relationship, etc. If you keep dating you will be able to figure out whether he is, in fact, 'cheap' which is different (poor tipper, unable to ever enjoy the pleasure of treating someone, refusal to spend within means), egalitarian, hesitant, or just economical

Everyone else can stop responding now. OP, here's your answer, very well-stated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Women are not built so that it's an equal risk in relationships. An analogy might be: a man who commits is betting one dollar while a woman who commits is betting twenty dollars simply based on the biology of becoming pregnant, having options, say, as an older divorced woman, so forth. "

Haha. When men start popping babies out of their asses, I'll start paying for dinner on a date

Exactly. Or when men start being considered old at 40 and unable to reproduce without ART.

Sing it sista. Women have a lot more on the line and are out of luck at 40. There are exceptions, but look at all the nasty posts when that guy said he was looking for a single mom then tell me I'm wrong.