MIL overdoes everything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
+1 Wives are not the facilitators between DHs and their parents. Everyone is an adult. I love what pp said about being supportive of a relationship between DH and his family but expecting him to do the work. It would be ridiculous for me to expect DH to maintain the relationshipbetween me and my parents.

+1

So don't facilitate a relationship between your kids and their grandparents but don't be surprised if your kids don't want to do the same when you are a grandparent.

What are you talking about? I said that it's not my job to make sure Dh and his parents are getting along. I wouldn't expect my DC's spouses to make sure DC and I stay connected. That's not their responsibility.

[Anonymous]

I am aghast after reading this thread. I feel so sorry for the poor grandmother. YIKES!!!

[Anonymous]

OP, I get it. My xMIL does the same thing. We live in a very small apartment, but she insists on getting HUGE gifts that we literally don't have room for. And then I'm the bad guy because I have to say no or give it away.
I sew and have for years. Most of what's in my kid's room is handmade. She retires, suddenly learns to sew and we're inundated with things that are explicitly meant to replace what we already have (she has said that exactly). She is completely trying to one-up me.

I do my best to let it go, bc I know that she feels bad that her son is no longer in DC's life and she's overcompensating to make up for it. I also try and channel the gift giving in an appropriate way (I only have to buy 5-6 items of kid clothing each year thanks to 3 sets of competing grandparents), but at a certain point it gets overwhelming. And it's hard to counteract the "gimmes" in young kids when they know that Grandma is waiting in the wings if Mom says no. I bite my tongue a lot and tell myself that it's important for them to have a relationship and it will self correct over time, since money =\= quality time.

Oh, I have learned to say no to things as well. DC and I purge his room every other month, he's usually tired of the plastic, super commercial/branded stuff by about a month anyway.

[Anonymous]

OP you have some valid points but the fact that you are emphasizing the "step" thing makes you look incredibly small, more so than any of the other stuff you have written. I believe your SMIL is every bit as bad as you say but I believe you are just as bad. And you are the one who owes better to your kids. You are going to look back and be so ashamed of yourself. Get a grip, get some therapy, and grow the F up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are not spoiled. I was in the same shoes with all my IL. They would buy tons of plastic tacky stuff for holidays. Like 10 presents for each child. I don't like throwing stuff away, especially after child opened it and liked it. But on another hand, I didn't like made in China plastic toys and preferred few wooden, hand crafted toys for my kids. They also would buy plastic or vinyl shoes with heels for girls and we always would have a fight with kids when they want to where them everywhere. Polyester Disney PJ, and the list is going on.

Yes, cake from the store is wrong when mom is conscious about what her children eat. I dont' buy my kids stuff from cheap bakery with bright icing and canola oil in it. So I would be pissed of too if she would bring something like that to my child.

From my experience, the only thing that was able to stop them is us moving away. It didn't stop completely, but definetly reduced the amount of gifts that they can only mail now. And we downsized, so they know we don't have room anymore for large toys. And I am so happy that no one trashing my house with made in China crap.

Thank you for the validation. Yes, I prefer wooden handmade toys and also don't like throwing stuff away. They make it so I have to keep getting rid of stuff to make room for the next wave, which goes against my nature. That's all my daughter ate that night was the cake. She refused to eat the dinner. At home I wouldn't have let her eat the cake if she hadn't had dinner but MIL was pushing it. And now she has a cold probably from eating garbage and too much excitement that day. Another time they were pressuring me to let her have chocolate chips in pancakes when she was like 1 or 2. I was just thinking today if only we didn't live close, they would have to be limited by what they can fit in the mail. It seems like getting out of town is the only way to avoid them for the holidays. I feel like what they give is like junk mail. I never signed up for it but it keeps coming.

Oh stop with the wooden toy crap. All kids prefer plastic light up stuff. Just relax. It isn't going to harm your kids to get plastic toys from a grandparent. Spoiling kids is a time honored grandparent right. And your kid didn't get sick because of the excitement of that day. Good god. Get some perspective.

Not all kids prefer plastic. Mine already in high school, and still looking for very unique stuff when they shop, and not brand names or main trends. Older daughter purchased very cood bag at the market in London last year, and still receiving tons of complements on that bag while her classmates are after the brand names mostly. Younger spent her saved money on the hand knitted mole one time. Later, she purchased a fabric hand made doll from the beginning designer for like $10. Two years later that designer became very popular and now her dolls sold in Bloomingdales and art galleries for over $100. She loves that doll dearly. The older one still have a teddy bear (or whatever left from the teddy bear) that was given to her by my FIL when she was born. That teddy traveled with her to 23 countries. (in my case, it wasn't MIL or FIL, they died shortly after my first was born. It was SIL and BIL who had no kids, not married and both have very well paid jobs)

My point is that to raise children with a good taste will take a time and effort. And it must be devastating when your IL just neglect your efforts. I have two girls and it was important for me that they will grow up into a fine young ladies with a good taste in fashion, art, food, etc. I think that giving child a chip toys made in China and then throwing it away after MIL leaves teach them a wrong lesson. For me, once the toy is given to a child, he learns to love it , to cherish, and to take care of that toy. Giving child a toy and then donating it in a couple weeks is not appropriate for child's development. My kids were responsible to pick up their toys since they were little (even thought we had a maid), therefore, the amount of toys did matter. Young child cannot clean an overwhelming amount of toys, it will be unreasonable to expect from them. But if you teach your child from the early age to clean after himself, they grow up into very organized young people. It is a skill that was important my kids to master early in life. Being organised now in high school help tremendously when they have a lot of homework, sport practice everyday and go through so much changes in life.

Same is with a food choice. My kids grown up not eating fast food, and they dont' even want to try it now. They also would never order from the kids menu when they were little. It took me a lot of time to educate my SIL, but she is getting better (at least stopped buying cotton candy when taking them to the amusement parks). I think talking politely to the IL is the way to go. It make takes several years, but they should get your philosophy in raising your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are not spoiled. I was in the same shoes with all my IL. They would buy tons of plastic tacky stuff for holidays. Like 10 presents for each child. I don't like throwing stuff away, especially after child opened it and liked it. But on another hand, I didn't like made in China plastic toys and preferred few wooden, hand crafted toys for my kids. They also would buy plastic or vinyl shoes with heels for girls and we always would have a fight with kids when they want to where them everywhere. Polyester Disney PJ, and the list is going on.

Yes, cake from the store is wrong when mom is conscious about what her children eat. I dont' buy my kids stuff from cheap bakery with bright icing and canola oil in it. So I would be pissed of too if she would bring something like that to my child.

From my experience, the only thing that was able to stop them is us moving away. It didn't stop completely, but definetly reduced the amount of gifts that they can only mail now. And we downsized, so they know we don't have room anymore for large toys. And I am so happy that no one trashing my house with made in China crap.

Thank you for the validation. Yes, I prefer wooden handmade toys and also don't like throwing stuff away. They make it so I have to keep getting rid of stuff to make room for the next wave, which goes against my nature. That's all my daughter ate that night was the cake. She refused to eat the dinner. At home I wouldn't have let her eat the cake if she hadn't had dinner but MIL was pushing it. And now she has a cold probably from eating garbage and too much excitement that day. Another time they were pressuring me to let her have chocolate chips in pancakes when she was like 1 or 2. I was just thinking today if only we didn't live close, they would have to be limited by what they can fit in the mail. It seems like getting out of town is the only way to avoid them for the holidays. I feel like what they give is like junk mail. I never signed up for it but it keeps coming.

Oh stop with the wooden toy crap. All kids prefer plastic light up stuff. Just relax. It isn't going to harm your kids to get plastic toys from a grandparent. Spoiling kids is a time honored grandparent right. And your kid didn't get sick because of the excitement of that day. Good god. Get some perspective.

Not all kids prefer plastic. Mine already in high school, and still looking for very unique stuff when they shop, and not brand names or main trends. Older daughter purchased very cood bag at the market in London last year, and still receiving tons of complements on that bag while her classmates are after the brand names mostly. Younger spent her saved money on the hand knitted mole one time. Later, she purchased a fabric hand made doll from the beginning designer for like $10. Two years later that designer became very popular and now her dolls sold in Bloomingdales and art galleries for over $100. She loves that doll dearly. The older one still have a teddy bear (or whatever left from the teddy bear) that was given to her by my FIL when she was born. That teddy traveled with her to 23 countries. (in my case, it wasn't MIL or FIL, they died shortly after my first was born. It was SIL and BIL who had no kids, not married and both have very well paid jobs)

My point is that to raise children with a good taste will take a time and effort. And it must be devastating when your IL just neglect your efforts. I have two girls and it was important for me that they will grow up into a fine young ladies with a good taste in fashion, art, food, etc. I think that giving child a chip toys made in China and then throwing it away after MIL leaves teach them a wrong lesson. For me, once the toy is given to a child, he learns to love it , to cherish, and to take care of that toy. Giving child a toy and then donating it in a couple weeks is not appropriate for child's development. My kids were responsible to pick up their toys since they were little (even thought we had a maid), therefore, the amount of toys did matter. Young child cannot clean an overwhelming amount of toys, it will be unreasonable to expect from them. But if you teach your child from the early age to clean after himself, they grow up into very organized young people. It is a skill that was important my kids to master early in life. Being organised now in high school help tremendously when they have a lot of homework, sport practice everyday and go through so much changes in life.

Same is with a food choice. My kids grown up not eating fast food, and they dont' even want to try it now. They also would never order from the kids menu when they were little. It took me a lot of time to educate my SIL, but she is getting better (at least stopped buying cotton candy when taking them to the amusement parks). I think talking politely to the IL is the way to go. It make takes several years, but they should get your philosophy in raising your children.

To me you sound incredibly rigid. You are obsessed with STUFF, albeit expensive and tasteful, and you seem to prefer that stuff to relationships. Also, your kids are just your kids, you really can't generalize your experience onto a broader population of children, who come with different needs and temperaments.

[Anonymous]

I am not generalizing, I am just trying to explain why it is important to some moms (like OP) to stick to their rules in their house. I don't like stuff at all and I don't where anything that showing brand name, including purses. I am very flexible in life but I would never compromise my kid's health and well being (I would never feed them with formula or canned kids veggies when they were little, I would never let them eat bottled salad dressing or cook something with meat stock from the box). On another hand, I am always flexible with their school attendance as long as they keep all As. We took them numerous times on vacations during school because I believe they can learn much more during a trip than in school.

In my husbands family it is always quantity over quality, I am totally opposite. I would rather have my favorite Zacher tort once a year than over sweetened tasteless American deserts every day. And it is very important for me that my kids grow up appreciating quality over quantity not only in stuff, but in relationship too. Having two best friends is more important than being most popular girl in school or to have hundred friends on the Facebook. Maybe someone can teach their kids this stuff overnight, for me it was a life long experience. And I do believe that it all starts from the childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not generalizing, I am just trying to explain why it is important to some moms (like OP) to stick to their rules in their house. I don't like stuff at all and I don't where anything that showing brand name, including purses. I am very flexible in life but I would never compromise my kid's health and well being (I would never feed them with formula or canned kids veggies when they were little, I would never let them eat bottled salad dressing or cook something with meat stock from the box). On another hand, I am always flexible with their school attendance as long as they keep all As. We took them numerous times on vacations during school because I believe they can learn much more during a trip than in school.

In my husbands family it is always quantity over quality, I am totally opposite. I would rather have my favorite Zacher tort once a year than over sweetened tasteless American deserts every day. And it is very important for me that my kids grow up appreciating quality over quantity not only in stuff, but in relationship too. Having two best friends is more important than being most popular girl in school or to have hundred friends on the Facebook. Maybe someone can teach their kids this stuff overnight, for me it was a life long experience. And I do believe that it all starts from the childhood.

Stop explaining in-depth how you rise above the common way of life that the rest of us put our kids through. It's not your choices so much as your complete lack of self-awareness of what a judgy jerk you sound like that's making me roll my eyes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not generalizing, I am just trying to explain why it is important to some moms (like OP) to stick to their rules in their house. I don't like stuff at all and I don't where anything that showing brand name, including purses. I am very flexible in life but I would never compromise my kid's health and well being (I would never feed them with formula or canned kids veggies when they were little, I would never let them eat bottled salad dressing or cook something with meat stock from the box). On another hand, I am always flexible with their school attendance as long as they keep all As. We took them numerous times on vacations during school because I believe they can learn much more during a trip than in school.

In my husbands family it is always quantity over quality, I am totally opposite. I would rather have my favorite Zacher tort once a year than over sweetened tasteless American deserts every day. And it is very important for me that my kids grow up appreciating quality over quantity not only in stuff, but in relationship too. Having two best friends is more important than being most popular girl in school or to have hundred friends on the Facebook. Maybe someone can teach their kids this stuff overnight, for me it was a life long experience. And I do believe that it all starts from the childhood.

Because they were normal kids and fought tooth and nail being raised so rigidly?

[Anonymous]

Yes, they are normal kids and hey were asking for a can of soda when they were little and all kids at the BD party was drinking soda. They were asking for video games but never got them. They were asking for a bar while standing in cashier line in a grocery store. But in my family adults making rules, not kids. As a result, we have kids with no allergies, they go to see doctor once a year (if we remember) for well check up and none in the family ever used a counselor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, they are normal kids and hey were asking for a can of soda when they were little and all kids at the BD party was drinking soda. They were asking for video games but never got them. They were asking for a bar while standing in cashier line in a grocery store. But in my family adults making rules, not kids. As a result, we have kids with no allergies, they go to see doctor once a year (if we remember) for well check up and none in the family ever used a counselor.

Can you please explain how your parenting, including the limitation on video games, has resulted in no allergies? The no doctor or counselor thing is obvious - you just don't let them see a doctor or counselor.

[Anonymous]

It's not the limitation of video games, it's limitation on food results in no allergies. This includes the processed food and store purchased cakes that my IL were attempting to feed to my children too. Your comment about me not letting my kids to see doctor is funny. They just don't get sick, even in winter time. They had couple strep throat cases when they were younger in the preschool, and one ear infection, and I think that's all. Obviously they were taken to a doctor back then. They do see a dentist twice a year for cleaning only so far.

[Anonymous]

Where can I find a good Zacher tort?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not the limitation of video games, it's limitation on food results in no allergies. This includes the processed food and store purchased cakes that my IL were attempting to feed to my children too. Your comment about me not letting my kids to see doctor is funny. They just don't get sick, even in winter time. They had couple strep throat cases when they were younger in the preschool, and one ear infection, and I think that's all. Obviously they were taken to a doctor back then. They do see a dentist twice a year for cleaning only so far.

So what did the no video games result in?

[Anonymous]

You asked if my kids fought tooth and nail, and I said yes, they did. They asked for stuff that they saw in other kids home, like video game. But we had rules in our household that being enforced. As an example I mentioned video games - no link to health ( or maybe there is a link to mental health?) I just never researched it. The point is that if I don't think that certain toy is appropriate - there is no room for that toy in our house, regardless how hard my kids are begging for it or how pushy my ILs are.