MIL overdoes everything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know about you, OP, but I am the planner in my relationship. I have been married for many years now and what I have learned is that if I don't plan it, it won't happen. My MIL lives locally and I am down to seeing her 3 times a year. Why? Because I don't make plans for us to see her except on holidays. Every now and then my husband makes a big fuss over how "we" need to spend more time with his mother. I could make a fuss and stomp around and list out chapter and verse all the reasons why I have zero desire to spend more time with her. Instead, I smile and say, "You are so right!" And then I do nothing. Soon enough, your weekends will be filled with kids activities so you won't have time to spend multiple days with them per month.

Just relax a little right now and ride through the holidays. After the first of the year, just stop making plans with them so often. If you see them every week, cut out one visit. Or, send your kids and your husband alone. This may seem counterintuitive, but let me tell you, if your husband doesn't enjoy wrangling two kids and dealing with sugar crashes and tantrums and all that goes into dealing with two kids, he will start to put his foot down.

You sound lovely. So you are modeling how your children should treat their grandparents. Can't wait til you are one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know about you, OP, but I am the planner in my relationship. I have been married for many years now and what I have learned is that if I don't plan it, it won't happen. My MIL lives locally and I am down to seeing her 3 times a year. Why? Because I don't make plans for us to see her except on holidays. Every now and then my husband makes a big fuss over how "we" need to spend more time with his mother. I could make a fuss and stomp around and list out chapter and verse all the reasons why I have zero desire to spend more time with her. Instead, I smile and say, "You are so right!" And then I do nothing. Soon enough, your weekends will be filled with kids activities so you won't have time to spend multiple days with them per month.

Just relax a little right now and ride through the holidays. After the first of the year, just stop making plans with them so often. If you see them every week, cut out one visit. Or, send your kids and your husband alone. This may seem counterintuitive, but let me tell you, if your husband doesn't enjoy wrangling two kids and dealing with sugar crashes and tantrums and all that goes into dealing with two kids, he will start to put his foot down.

You sound lovely. So you are modeling how your children should treat their grandparents. Can't wait til you are one.

She's actually 100% right and being perfectly fair. It's not her job to encourage a relationship between her ILs and her husband or her ILs and her kids. Her ILs can pick up the phone and talk to her husband to make plans. Her husband can pick up the phone and talk to HIS parents to make plans. She doesn't stand in the way. She doesn't bitch. She just doesn't take responsibility for something that is HER HUSBAND's responsibility.

If you want to have a relationship with your grandkids, call your son. Make plans with your son. Not the wife's job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know about you, OP, but I am the planner in my relationship. I have been married for many years now and what I have learned is that if I don't plan it, it won't happen. My MIL lives locally and I am down to seeing her 3 times a year. Why? Because I don't make plans for us to see her except on holidays. Every now and then my husband makes a big fuss over how "we" need to spend more time with his mother. I could make a fuss and stomp around and list out chapter and verse all the reasons why I have zero desire to spend more time with her. Instead, I smile and say, "You are so right!" And then I do nothing. Soon enough, your weekends will be filled with kids activities so you won't have time to spend multiple days with them per month.

Just relax a little right now and ride through the holidays. After the first of the year, just stop making plans with them so often. If you see them every week, cut out one visit. Or, send your kids and your husband alone. This may seem counterintuitive, but let me tell you, if your husband doesn't enjoy wrangling two kids and dealing with sugar crashes and tantrums and all that goes into dealing with two kids, he will start to put his foot down.

You sound lovely. So you are modeling how your children should treat their grandparents. Can't wait til you are one.

She's actually 100% right and being perfectly fair. It's not her job to encourage a relationship between her ILs and her husband or her ILs and her kids. Her ILs can pick up the phone and talk to her husband to make plans. Her husband can pick up the phone and talk to HIS parents to make plans. She doesn't stand in the way. She doesn't bitch. She just doesn't take responsibility for something that is HER HUSBAND's responsibility.

If you want to have a relationship with your grandkids, call your son. Make plans with your son. Not the wife's job.

+1 Wives are not the facilitators between DHs and their parents. Everyone is an adult. I love what pp said about being supportive of a relationship between DH and his family but expecting him to do the work. It would be ridiculous for me to expect DH to maintain the relationshipbetween me and my parents.

[Anonymous]

OP, I could have written this post! Except my MIL is my husbands mother. We have had several,battles with her and have now put her on a budget bc it was the only thing that worked. Sure flame away all you ladies who can't relate, but she was overwhelming and spoiling the hell out of our child. She is a classic narcissist, as your mil sounds like, and fortunately my husband sees this as well. It is all about her, her, her and what she wants to do, which is to buy affection. I could go in and on, but you are absolutely justified in every feeling you have. It is so frustrating to have someone going against everything guy are trying to teach your child. And when that person tries to take over being santa, birthdays, etc, it is infuriating. It is disrespectful. Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
+1 Wives are not the facilitators between DHs and their parents. Everyone is an adult. I love what pp said about being supportive of a relationship between DH and his family but expecting him to do the work. It would be ridiculous for me to expect DH to maintain the relationshipbetween me and my parents.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
+1 Wives are not the facilitators between DHs and their parents. Everyone is an adult. I love what pp said about being supportive of a relationship between DH and his family but expecting him to do the work. It would be ridiculous for me to expect DH to maintain the relationshipbetween me and my parents.

+1

So don't facilitate a relationship between your kids and their grandparents but don't be surprised if your kids don't want to do the same when you are a grandparent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP,

You say that you have challenges with the gift giving because it sends a message that materialism is acceptable (I'm paraphrasing) and you also note that you're trying to encourage a pacifist household.

That's fine.

I'm not sure if you realize that sending a message to your children (implicitly) that 'step' parents/grandparents are not the same as 'real' family members is also conveying a kind of value.

And for what it's worth (and I know you didn't ask and are just venting): focusing as much as you are (and your MIL and others are) on team rivalries seems to capture, in a nutshell, an exceptionally high level of competitiveness in your household -- your own as well as your in-law's. That theme (of competition) runs throughout your posts, and I'm sorry to say this, but you're competing, too -- for attention, on your mom's behalf, for your college team, for your name, for your cake. Look, I get it. I kept my name when I got married and still cringe when my inlaws or my own parents give me monograms with DH's name. It's an irritant. But it's not a competition.

Competitiveness can, of course, flourish healthily -- but it can also get toxic.....ALMOST as much as materialism and and ALMOST directly contrary to pacifism.

You've got a lot of irony going on, in other words, OP. Some might call it hypocrisy. I don't/won't -- but I'd encourage you to do some thinking about the messaging you're sending to your kids (whether consciously or not) -- ESPECIALLY around what it means to be a 'step.' Your kids are going to be interacting with lots and lots of people who have blended families. For them to grow up in a household where 'step' doesn't get to count in the same way as 'real' is going to send a powerful message.....

I don't verbalize to the kids how I feel about everything. I just make sure they know she's the step grandparent and not my husband's biological mother. I do not like being competitive. I feel like she is goading me into it which is why it bothers me so much. I would never do what she does. She even tried to control my son's birthday party by bringing stuff I purposely chose not to have at the party. She's trying to stand out and be in charge and I want her to take her place as just one among many people in the family. She treats me and my husband as children but she is only like 10-15 years older than us. She is trying to be the favorite with the kids. She's insecure to try so hard to buy their affection. I'll just wait til they are old enough to figure out what she's like. And someone else said I wasn't handling it well. Tomorrow in honor of Black Friday, I'm going to try to get rid of all the excess crap she has given my kids. And I'm going to think about a vacation to visit my own family or a vacation at Christmas time. Getting rid of the stuff she keeps giving us is like repeatedly chopping off a cancer that keeps coming back. She's a nice person and I actually like her, but it's her dysfunctional behavior that drives me nuts. In fact, I don't want to even think about her anymore.

[Anonymous]

You sound crazier every time you update/post. Good luck to your kids. I feel for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound crazier every time you update/post. Good luck to your kids. I feel for them.

+1000 OMG!

[Anonymous]

OP is going to throw out everything that STEP grandma bought the kids bc it's a "cancer" - a cancer that the kids like better than the crap OP buys them.

OP, you need to see someone because in a few yrs your kids will to having an insane, insecure, and jealous mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could have written this post! Except my MIL is my husbands mother. We have had several,battles with her and have now put her on a budget bc it was the only thing that worked. Sure flame away all you ladies who can't relate, but she was overwhelming and spoiling the hell out of our child. She is a classic narcissist, as your mil sounds like, and fortunately my husband sees this as well. It is all about her, her, her and what she wants to do, which is to buy affection. I could go in and on, but you are absolutely justified in every feeling you have. It is so frustrating to have someone going against everything guy are trying to teach your child. And when that person tries to take over being santa, birthdays, etc, it is infuriating. It is disrespectful. Hang in there!

Thank you. I don't know why people argue with me when I know the person in question, not them. And I'm sorry you have to deal with the same type of person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound crazier every time you update/post. Good luck to your kids. I feel for them.

Did the word cancer freak you out or something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP,

You say that you have challenges with the gift giving because it sends a message that materialism is acceptable (I'm paraphrasing) and you also note that you're trying to encourage a pacifist household.

That's fine.

I'm not sure if you realize that sending a message to your children (implicitly) that 'step' parents/grandparents are not the same as 'real' family members is also conveying a kind of value.

And for what it's worth (and I know you didn't ask and are just venting): focusing as much as you are (and your MIL and others are) on team rivalries seems to capture, in a nutshell, an exceptionally high level of competitiveness in your household -- your own as well as your in-law's. That theme (of competition) runs throughout your posts, and I'm sorry to say this, but you're competing, too -- for attention, on your mom's behalf, for your college team, for your name, for your cake. Look, I get it. I kept my name when I got married and still cringe when my inlaws or my own parents give me monograms with DH's name. It's an irritant. But it's not a competition.

Competitiveness can, of course, flourish healthily -- but it can also get toxic.....ALMOST as much as materialism and and ALMOST directly contrary to pacifism.

You've got a lot of irony going on, in other words, OP. Some might call it hypocrisy. I don't/won't -- but I'd encourage you to do some thinking about the messaging you're sending to your kids (whether consciously or not) -- ESPECIALLY around what it means to be a 'step.' Your kids are going to be interacting with lots and lots of people who have blended families. For them to grow up in a household where 'step' doesn't get to count in the same way as 'real' is going to send a powerful message.....

I don't verbalize to the kids how I feel about everything. I just make sure they know she's the step grandparent and not my husband's biological mother. I do not like being competitive. I feel like she is goading me into it which is why it bothers me so much. I would never do what she does. She even tried to control my son's birthday party by bringing stuff I purposely chose not to have at the party. She's trying to stand out and be in charge and I want her to take her place as just one among many people in the family. She treats me and my husband as children but she is only like 10-15 years older than us. She is trying to be the favorite with the kids. She's insecure to try so hard to buy their affection. I'll just wait til they are old enough to figure out what she's like. And someone else said I wasn't handling it well. Tomorrow in honor of Black Friday, I'm going to try to get rid of all the excess crap she has given my kids. And I'm going to think about a vacation to visit my own family or a vacation at Christmas time. Getting rid of the stuff she keeps giving us is like repeatedly chopping off a cancer that keeps coming back. She's a nice person and I actually like her, but it's her dysfunctional behavior that drives me nuts. In fact, I don't want to even think about her anymore.

What is the MATTER with you? Seriously?

[Anonymous]

Typical histrionic, drama queen nutjob! She is complaining b/c her MIL gets her kids presents and stuff that they LIKE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Typical histrionic, drama queen nutjob! She is complaining b/c her MIL gets her kids presents and stuff that they LIKE.

not OP. If I wanted to spoil my kids then I would do it myself, but that's not how I'm raising them. Sounds like you allow your children to set the rules of your house.