MIL overdoes everything

[Anonymous]

MIL has to outdo everyone. Every single time we see them, they bring presents. They mailed presents for my DD's birthday, then when we saw them the day after, they had more presents and a cake. My daughter then rejected my homemade cake when we got home because the frosting wasn't pink like the store bought cake MIL bought. MIL wanted to put candles on the cake and I stopped her because we just did candles the day before on her real birthday. I feel like it's my kid, so it's not her place to be celebrating my daughter's birthday. She's not even a biological MIL, she's a step MIL, so she's no relation to my kids. At Christmas, they buy way more presents than anyone else. My kids forget the presents anyone else buys them, and then they play with the bigger and supposedly better toys MIL gives them. It has ruined gift giving for other members of the family, and I now hate holidays. You can't stop them either because they don't listen. And another thing...DH and I went to rival colleges. Every time we see them, she teaches my DS the school cheer for DH's school's sports team. So now DS thinks of my alma matter as "the bad guys" and their team is the "good guys". She is teaching my kids values that are not mine. It's competitive and ridiculous but I have to sit there politely letting her stomp on my boundaries because etiquette says I'm supposed to appreciate my kids receiving gifts and it would seem dumb of me to complain about her teaching them a cheer but she's disrespecting other people by trying to outdo them. She also thinks anything my kids own she gave them, even if my mother gave it to them or if we bought it ourselves. I don't want to keep encouraging her behavior by spending the holidays with them, but we have no other plans so I fear we are stuck going through this ridiculous charade every time. How can I stop her when she is compulsive and probably can't even stop herself? It is irritating and puts me in a bad mood. I don't even care about the team sports, but then as we were leaving, my son told them "I hope we beat (my alma mater)" at the upcoming game. It shocked me he even would say something like that because it's obviously coming from them.

[Anonymous]

My belief is that you go big or go home. I think I love your MIL. If you can't keep up op stop and lie down. She won

[Anonymous]

She sounds really passive aggressive and awful. Sorry you have to deal with that.

[Anonymous]

First, let go of the cake. What is the harm in singing HB multiple times? That is not worth your time.

Second, on sports teams, buy your kids stuff from your school, put up pennants/posters from both schools, teach your kids your fight songs, watch the games together. Or, start teaching your kids good sportsmanship. When kids say something that's trash talking, correct them. Or, let it go.

Third, how does your husband react to all this? Reigning in gifts in the most reasonable of your complaints, but your husband has to navigate this.

Finally, honestly, a lot of this you have to let go. You're mired in too much petty stuff. Save your fights for the big, important stuff.

[Anonymous]

If she were bio I'd have DH say something to her but IIWY I'd say it myself. Give her alternatives to tangible presents (memberships, subscriptions, etc.) Tell her your kids can get overwhelmed when given a lot and you and DH want to teacher them to appreciate each thing, no matter how simple it may seem.

And if she starts up about the teams say "You know we were talking about it and our house supports both schools, teams. So we're not going to be competitive anymore, we don't like setting up that dynamic."

Repeat as much as you need to.

Does she have kids of her own?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she were bio I'd have DH say something to her but IIWY I'd say it myself. Give her alternatives to tangible presents (memberships, subscriptions, etc.) Tell her your kids can get overwhelmed when given a lot and you and DH want to teacher them to appreciate each thing, no matter how simple it may seem.

And if she starts up about the teams say "You know we were talking about it and our house supports both schools, teams. So we're not going to be competitive anymore, we don't like setting up that dynamic."

Repeat as much as you need to.

Does she have kids of her own?

I don't give a shit what you little bitch decided. My sons school is the only one that gets supported because your school is full of losers like you. Speak to me like that again and you will regret it. Your children won't even miss you when your dead.

That's what I would say to my DIL with that comment from pp.

[Anonymous]

She has one child of her own who is not married yet but hopefully will be soon. I'm hoping once she has kids, MIL will focus on biological grandkids instead. That's all FIL is into is sports. DH just rolls over and plays dead and says nothing to her. I am not into sports myself, so I don't want to go buying sports paraphrenalia of my team just to compete with them. I'm not a competitive person. She is the type that shops year round so giving them gift alternatives would do no good. She needs to control every situation and unless she ran out of money, I don't think she would change her ways.

[Anonymous]

Ummm you are complaining bc someone shows up for the holidays and birthdays with too many presents or presents that are too awesome. A little perspective...it sounds like you are completely threatened by her (not letting kid blow out candles twice?). Don't be threatened! You are mom and irreplaceable. Enjoy the fact that this grandma, who is not even biological, loves on your kids. And I could totally go for a slice of pink cake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ummm you are complaining bc someone shows up for the holidays and birthdays with too many presents or presents that are too awesome. A little perspective...it sounds like you are completely threatened by her (not letting kid blow out candles twice?). Don't be threatened! You are mom and irreplaceable. Enjoy the fact that this grandma, who is not even biological, loves on your kids. And I could totally go for a slice of pink cake.

+1

You say you're not competitive but obviously feel like you're competing. You need to get over it.

[Anonymous]

Drop the rope and let your children enjoy the attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Drop the rope and let your children enjoy the attention.

Plus 1. Agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she were bio I'd have DH say something to her but IIWY I'd say it myself. Give her alternatives to tangible presents (memberships, subscriptions, etc.) Tell her your kids can get overwhelmed when given a lot and you and DH want to teacher them to appreciate each thing, no matter how simple it may seem.

And if she starts up about the teams say "You know we were talking about it and our house supports both schools, teams. So we're not going to be competitive anymore, we don't like setting up that dynamic."

Repeat as much as you need to.

Does she have kids of her own?

My MIL is a little like this and there is no way she would give my kids "tangible" or experiential presents - it has to be something wrapped, and big, so that she can take full credit and she can show off what she bought for them. Any attempts I have ever made to suggest she pays for classes or something's goes over like a fart in church.

I feel your pain, OP.

[Anonymous]

You will probably just have to deal with the present thing. When they get older it won't be a problem- the "toys" are more expensive and teens don't like anything but gift cards.

You are over reacting about the cake. If the cake is on another day then who cares. Many kids celebrate bdays on different days. Maybe a small family party at home the day of, a friend birthday on the weekend, a birthday with grandparents relatively close to the actual date. If she brings a cake to the house on the day you are celebrating her birthday and you have a cake already then just don't light hers. If your kid is a brat and won't eat yours bc it's not pink then tell her she can go to her room and the rest of the family will eat the cake. That type of behavior is your fault.

The sport team thing is just stupid. I'm sure she is doing it to piss you off. Does your team never win or something? Let the kids root for a team. They will be for dads team until your team wins and then they will be for your team. Who cares??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she were bio I'd have DH say something to her but IIWY I'd say it myself. Give her alternatives to tangible presents (memberships, subscriptions, etc.) Tell her your kids can get overwhelmed when given a lot and you and DH want to teacher them to appreciate each thing, no matter how simple it may seem.

And if she starts up about the teams say "You know we were talking about it and our house supports both schools, teams. So we're not going to be competitive anymore, we don't like setting up that dynamic."

Repeat as much as you need to.

Does she have kids of her own?

I don't give a shit what you little bitch decided. My sons school is the only one that gets supported because your school is full of losers like you. Speak to me like that again and you will regret it. Your children won't even miss you when your dead.

That's what I would say to my DIL with that comment from pp.

What?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she were bio I'd have DH say something to her but IIWY I'd say it myself. Give her alternatives to tangible presents (memberships, subscriptions, etc.) Tell her your kids can get overwhelmed when given a lot and you and DH want to teacher them to appreciate each thing, no matter how simple it may seem.

And if she starts up about the teams say "You know we were talking about it and our house supports both schools, teams. So we're not going to be competitive anymore, we don't like setting up that dynamic."

Repeat as much as you need to.

Does she have kids of her own?

My MIL is a little like this and there is no way she would give my kids "tangible" or experiential presents - it has to be something wrapped, and big, so that she can take full credit and she can show off what she bought for them. Any attempts I have ever made to suggest she pays for classes or something's goes over like a fart in church.

I feel your pain, OP.

pp here. OK, I can see that. I was offering a suggestion to OP, but it may not work.

I also feel your pain, OP.