Found 2 movie tickets on bf, should I approach him?

[Anonymous]

I haven't read thru all the posts so forgive me if this has already been mentioned. But just think about this scenario - I am always folding receipts and ticket stubs into money that i have in hand. If I paid for movie tickets and then snacks and had money in my hand at the ticket taker - inevidently the ticket stubs would end up folded in the change i had in my hand and into my pocket or purse. So if a roommate owes him $20 and handed it to him from his pocket and it had movie tickets folded into it - your bf would have unfolded it and put the paper on his dresser without really looking at them or thinking twice about it. It's just a thought ...

[Anonymous]

You know, if he did take someone else to the movie and is hiding it, no amount of "Honey can we talk about the tickets a little more" will make him confess. Believe me and a million other women. If you really suspect, you have to find other ways of getting more info.

[Anonymous]

Ideally, he would have said something to you along the lines of, "Ok, I know how those ticket stubs on my dresser look to you. I get it. There's little I can say to prove to you I wasn't on a date with someone else other than insisting that I'm telling the truth when I say they're my roommates tickets." Really, if he is telling the truth there's nothing else he could do other than say he wasn't cheating on you. However, the fact that he got defensive and didn't acknowledge your feelings and POV here raises a red flag. I mean, if he found something on you that could signal you were cheating with someone-- I don't know, a pair of sneakers in your trunk, a new men's razor in your bathroom-- would you blame him for getting upset?

[Anonymous]

Easy way to gauge the honesty of this story -- casually bring it up with the only roommate who may have gone to the movie on Vday weekend. It should be obvious if he went with a date to see a romantic comedy, or if he's lying to cover for your BF. That's getting intricate when you bring in someone else to lie to your GF's face.

Hey, roommate, [boyfriend] said you saw About Last Night. What did you think? I didn't get to see it in the theater and we were talking about it the other night.

Worst case, BF knows you were checking up on him...but since you said you wanted to see it, and BF claims it was the roommate who actually saw the movie -- it's not that far fetched that you'd be curious. Especially since it has been a recent topic of conversation. Go from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Check his credit card bill or bank statement to see if he charged them. If so, he is lying. Proof positive right there.

When you start doing that shit, you don't need to get married. Even if there's no evidence found.

[Anonymous]

"However, the fact that he got defensive and didn't acknowledge your feelings and POV here raises a red flag. I mean, if he found something on you that could signal you were cheating with someone."

Except that OP has said that she tends to get jealous, so if this is a pattern of mistrust on her part then the BF may justifiably have been annoyed at feeling like he has to defend himself/reassure her yet again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"However, the fact that he got defensive and didn't acknowledge your feelings and POV here raises a red flag. I mean, if he found something on you that could signal you were cheating with someone."

Except that OP has said that she tends to get jealous, so if this is a pattern of mistrust on her part then the BF may justifiably have been annoyed at feeling like he has to defend himself/reassure her yet again.

It would be helpful if OP said whether being jealous is an actual real problem of hers or that it's gut-based and she keeps writing it off as jealousy. In my more naive days I used to write off my gut feelings as paranoia and jealousy-- "oh, stop being that way! Of course he has female items around his room. Um, he had other girlfriends way before you, and he had a right to have had other girlfriends. And if he doesn't want to throw away his ex's hair clips, so be it. It's his choice!"

In most cases I had been correct to feel that way. (He was still in love in with ex. That's why her clips were still around.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"However, the fact that he got defensive and didn't acknowledge your feelings and POV here raises a red flag. I mean, if he found something on you that could signal you were cheating with someone."

Except that OP has said that she tends to get jealous, so if this is a pattern of mistrust on her part then the BF may justifiably have been annoyed at feeling like he has to defend himself/reassure her yet again.

It would be helpful if OP said whether being jealous is an actual real problem of hers or that it's gut-based and she keeps writing it off as jealousy. In my more naive days I used to write off my gut feelings as paranoia and jealousy-- "oh, stop being that way! Of course he has female items around his room. Um, he had other girlfriends way before you, and he had a right to have had other girlfriends. And if he doesn't want to throw away his ex's hair clips, so be it. It's his choice!"

In most cases I had been correct to feel that way. (He was still in love in with ex. That's why her clips were still around.)

She has said in various posts that she is jealous by nature but that her boyfriend has never done anything to make her suspect something's up. Other than these movie tickets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read thru all the posts so forgive me if this has already been mentioned. But just think about this scenario - I am always folding receipts and ticket stubs into money that i have in hand. If I paid for movie tickets and then snacks and had money in my hand at the ticket taker - inevidently the ticket stubs would end up folded in the change i had in my hand and into my pocket or purse. So if a roommate owes him $20 and handed it to him from his pocket and it had movie tickets folded into it - your bf would have unfolded it and put the paper on his dresser without really looking at them or thinking twice about it. It's just a thought ...

Occam's Razor - simplest explanation is usually correct. This is NOT the simplest explanation!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ideally, he would have said something to you along the lines of, "Ok, I know how those ticket stubs on my dresser look to you. I get it. There's little I can say to prove to you I wasn't on a date with someone else other than insisting that I'm telling the truth when I say they're my roommates tickets." Really, if he is telling the truth there's nothing else he could do other than say he wasn't cheating on you. However, the fact that he got defensive and didn't acknowledge your feelings and POV here raises a red flag. I mean, if he found something on you that could signal you were cheating with someone-- I don't know, a pair of sneakers in your trunk, a new men's razor in your bathroom-- would you blame him for getting upset?

***He could have offered to talk to his roommates with you present, confirming it was one of their stubs*** and it would have resolved this issue immediately. He did not do that. If I were him and I were innocent, that is exactly what I would have done.
"Jimmy, did you see x movie last month?
We saw the stubs and were curious if it's worth seeing".

[Anonymous]

oh my goodness. this whole thing. dude, do not marry this guy. whether he went to the movies on a date or didn't, this isn't the relationship you want to start having kids in. you're going to go nuts, he's going to go nuts.

break up. wait to get married till you're with someone who you KNOW you can trust. not cause you can't trust this guy, but this clearly isn't a solid relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:oh my goodness. this whole thing. dude, do not marry this guy. whether he went to the movies on a date or didn't, this isn't the relationship you want to start having kids in. you're going to go nuts, he's going to go nuts.

break up. wait to get married till you're with someone who you KNOW you can trust. not cause you can't trust this guy, but this clearly isn't a solid relationship.

Also wait until you're a little more mature.

[Anonymous]

DW here. Man I am glad I am not like a lot of you. Checking bank accounts, coming up with schemes to try to get info out of someone. Like I have said MANY times, I am NOT going to live my life playing CSI and Matlock behind my DH. If I can't bring myself to trust him, then it is time for a change. My DH might even be fooling me, but I am determined not to be my sister who cannot keep a guy because of her jealousy.

Some of the crap some of you women would pull would drive the guy worth having - the loyal and faithful guy - away in a heartbeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow, I'm getting such a mix of responses. I decided to let it go but keep my guard up and eyes open. A previous poster asked to see his text at dinner, but this was a month ago so that wouldn't help and I don't want or need to be that kind of woman. He calls and text women but I know them and not a big deal at all. Ehh his room mates could have seen the movie, specially one, but I doubt the other. In my mind, I can't see ending a relationship over two movie tickets. He did get defense and say I was snooping (in his defense, there was tons of shit on his dresser) but the tickets stood out the most so that's what I saw. This is the only red flag that I see in him. Once again, no reason to make me jealous or think there is someone else. Another poster asked if he has been unavailable by text or call at other times and the answer is yes but I'm sure it's because he was napping. He brings me around his roommates, family, coworkers, friends and church. I doubt he would have another woman. Still, the story is weird as fuck.

Yes, the story is weird as fuck. And seriously, who naps at 7 pm on a weekend night?

I was also deeply troubled by the fact that he accused you of snooping when you saw the tickets. Let me put it this way. Even if he *wasn't* cheating, and those weren't his tickets, is this the response you want to your concerns?
My husband and I have tacit conventions where we would never snoop -- i'd never look at his email, or his web history or anything similar, but if I did and found something, you could be sure he'd answer me. I have in a comparable position.

If you are going to have children with this man you need to know you can work together. I'd go to him with this message (maybe not the kids, but spending our lives together) and see how he responds. If he can't be forthright with you, I'd consider what all this means regardless of whether he was really cheating or not. Marriage is not an easy road, and I say this as a married person who is very much happy. You can't handicap yourself by marrying a jerk, even if he isn't a cheater. Look at it this way and see how things go. Hopefully this will bring you closer together. If not, walk. You are young. Consider the number of single mothers whose husbands are major dickwads that you see on this board. You don't want to be back here in 5 years with people asking how you didn't know at the time.

OP here. I sleep with him and he is a horrible sleeper. He barely sleeps at night, so it's not unusual for him to take a nap on the weekends that late, at all. In all honesty, as a happy married person, what do you think I should do? Is it worth bringing it up again? Should I make it a habit to snoop around and find evidence? Yes I can see myself with this man for the rest of my life. I'm just at a lost as to what I should do right now.

You should go with your gut. Not with what you want to believe, but with what you really believe. If you are having doubts, you need to have another discussion. You need to trust each other absolutely.

I would go to him and be honest. Say look, I am still upset about the tickets. I am *not* accusing you of cheating or even saying I doubt you but I am hurt that you brushed off my concern and didn't take me seriously. I need to know that we trust each other and can work out our issues. I'd want you to come to me in the same way if you were worried about something.

See what he says. If he is a total jerk, you need to consider this and at this point I'd take a break.
If he is considerate of your feelings in a realistic way, that's good. But it's important to realize that he might also be *too* considerate of your feelings if you have something to hide.

You could also keep your guard up in the future. Some important questions. Have you met all of his friends? His family? Have you ever talked to his friends about him? What was your vibe?

I don't think you are being crazy but I think you shouldn't leave vague nagging doubts at this stage. And if you are worried about what will happen if you do bring this up again, think about it this way. If he decides to leave you for expressing your honest feelings in a non-confrontational way, or to punish you by harping about this for months on end, is this the person you want to spend your life with? You cannot live in fear of that person.

but more generally, as I started with, you should do what your gut tells you (and maybe what your friends who know you both tell you) not what a bunch of anonymous posters tell you. But something tells me that if you didn't have real nagging doubts, you would not have posted in the first place.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I like to think that I am mature. If I was immature, I would have slashed his tires upon seeing two movie tickets on his dresser..... anyways, I really do not want to talk to the roommates or bring them into this. They are both great friends of his and really cool guys. I won't check bank accounts or anything like that. As far as my jealous ways, that a previous poster asked about, in every other relationship, I would get jealous but with him, I am not. I am so comfortable and confident within our relationship. He hugs female friends, calls female friends, text them, etc. With any other guy, I would hate it, but not with him. I know he loves me. I never seen him upset before. This was the first time. Our first "fight." He said he was upset because I waited to bring it up, and should have communicated it early on, instead, he saw that something was bothering me. He also was upset that I was "snooping." I still can not see not marrying him (which will be in the future, people), or breaking up with him over movie tickets.