SIL announced her pregnancy just a few hours after DC's birth

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have not read all the posts, and OP may have added info, but this reminded me of posts Ive read on the "family living with narcissist" support groups.

In and of itself such behavior seems like not a big deal, but OP may have an instinctive context we dont know about- a sense that this was weird, and the energy of it was weird in the moment. Ive read posts about narcissists finding ways to insert themselves on moments such as a baby having been born and deflect the moment with something as random as sending someone important on an errand. Its hard to explain, but the context is everything.

OP may have had one of those "s** that was.....weird...why exactly...?" moments. My father married a narcissist after my mom died, and believe me, its a very twisted and strange experience. It can hide in plain view and people who "see" it are usually told the person is being nice or gracious. They are usually charming and are expert manipulators.

OP here. I'm close to the family and this is absolutely true. SIL is definitely a narcissist. My friend has suffered a lot and I can totally relate to the "only some people see it" and the vast majority thinking it's no big deal and some even think SIL is amazing, gracious, devoted martyr, generous, etc.

I feel bad for my friend but I'm trying to help her let go of it and focus on her little guy.

[Anonymous]

The day I called my mother to tell her I'd just had my first baby (her first grandchild), all she could talk about was how she'd just found out my brother's wife was pregnant. Now, I was very happy for my brother, but it was a typical kick in the teeth for me from my mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have not read all the posts, and OP may have added info, but this reminded me of posts Ive read on the "family living with narcissist" support groups.

In and of itself such behavior seems like not a big deal, but OP may have an instinctive context we dont know about- a sense that this was weird, and the energy of it was weird in the moment. Ive read posts about narcissists finding ways to insert themselves on moments such as a baby having been born and deflect the moment with something as random as sending someone important on an errand. Its hard to explain, but the context is everything.

OP may have had one of those "s** that was.....weird...why exactly...?" moments. My father married a narcissist after my mom died, and believe me, its a very twisted and strange experience. It can hide in plain view and people who "see" it are usually told the person is being nice or gracious. They are usually charming and are expert manipulators.

OP here. I'm close to the family and this is absolutely true. SIL is definitely a narcissist. My friend has suffered a lot and I can totally relate to the "only some people see it" and the vast majority thinking it's no big deal and some even think SIL is amazing, gracious, devoted martyr, generous, etc.

I feel bad for my friend but I'm trying to help her let go of it and focus on her little guy.

People throw that term "narcissist" around a lot these days. SIL may also just be a bit needy and insecure, wanting approval. That's more a sign of immaturity and a lack of grace than it is of a personality disorder. It's annoying and, yes, it is nice that you are helping your friend to move past this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say to her: "Awesome! I'm so happy "Molly" will have a cousin to grow up with!"

You say to yourself: "Bitch."

THIS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have not read all the posts, and OP may have added info, but this reminded me of posts Ive read on the "family living with narcissist" support groups.

In and of itself such behavior seems like not a big deal, but OP may have an instinctive context we dont know about- a sense that this was weird, and the energy of it was weird in the moment. Ive read posts about narcissists finding ways to insert themselves on moments such as a baby having been born and deflect the moment with something as random as sending someone important on an errand. Its hard to explain, but the context is everything.

OP may have had one of those "s** that was.....weird...why exactly...?" moments. My father married a narcissist after my mom died, and believe me, its a very twisted and strange experience. It can hide in plain view and people who "see" it are usually told the person is being nice or gracious. They are usually charming and are expert manipulators.

OP here. I'm close to the family and this is absolutely true. SIL is definitely a narcissist. My friend has suffered a lot and I can totally relate to the "only some people see it" and the vast majority thinking it's no big deal and some even think SIL is amazing, gracious, devoted martyr, generous, etc.

I feel bad for my friend but I'm trying to help her let go of it and focus on her little guy.

OP -- this is context that you should have put in your original post. In and of itself, the act could have been perfectly innocent. HOWEVER, if you KNOW the person doing it has an ulterior motive or a history of being narcississtic and self-serving, that puts an entirely different spin on it. Plus, if you already know this about the person, why even ask -- if you know someone is crazy -- why do you have to ask if what they did was crazy?

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The day I called my mother to tell her I'd just had my first baby (her first grandchild), all she could talk about was how she'd just found out my brother's wife was pregnant. Now, I was very happy for my brother, but it was a typical kick in the teeth for me from my mother.

That's not a problem with your SIL. That's a problem with your mom.

[Anonymous]

I suppose I'm petty but I have to agree that it's like stealing someone's thunder. Why not let her have her moment?

[Anonymous]

I'd be so happy! Cousins so close in age! Someone we love to pass down all our beloved baby clothes and toys! It'd be great. I'd be thrilled.

Plus, I'm super direct. So I'd just say "Julie! Wait a sec. Say 'congratulations" to me!" Then I'd pause and look expectantly at her. THEN I'd say "okay NOW let's talk all about how you're pregnant and how awesome this is!"

[Anonymous]

Eh, if it had been me, I would have been overall excited about it but would also wonder why her news was so urgent that it had to be announced *right then.* Maybe I'm too jaded by perpetually dealing with thunder-stealers, but especially in the scenario described the news sounded much more like an interruption rather than a well-timed and welcomed announcement. I think there are a lot of scenarios where entitlement runs rampant, but in this case it really wasn't with the new mother. You can't do anything but handle it graciously, but yeah - for her 4th child when the new mother and baby were in a traumatic situation - have some tact and let it frickin' wait a day or so.

[Anonymous]

I think it's telling that she didn't acknowledge/congratulate the OP before making her announcement. When we shared our baby news during a visit to our out-of-town in laws, the other SIL (DH's brother's wife) was pregnant, very early on, and hadn't told anyone yet. She told us the next day, privately, because she knew we'd be leaving town. She could've announced it when we did as well to share in the excitement- these were the first, much anticipated grandchildren. But, she was only about 5 weeks along, and knew that they'd be able to share the news with everyone (except us) who live near them soon enough. Also, several years earlier her husband (my DH's brother) chose to congratulate his sister on her very recent engagement during his best man's toast at my wedding. She was horrified at the time and I think that may have also played a part in her decision to hold off.

I appreciated her telling us in person so we could share in the excitement with them. They shared the news with in-laws a little over a month later. If it had been my SIL (husband's sister) she definitely would've jumped in and told everyone right then and there. SIL announced her engagement at our wedding several years earlier for many of the reasons some PPs have suggested OP's SIL shared her news in her hospital room - because everyone was gathered together, etc. What I've learned over the years is that SIL desperately needs to be center of her parents attention. She told her whole family about her engagement when it happened (except DH and I) and then blurted it out during a dinner for me, hosted by my mother, with only my aunts/cousins/sister in attendance two days before my wedding. It was so awkward I felt bad for her and my MIL. During the dinner my cousin asked how DH had proposed and before I could finish answering, SIL thrust her hand out and announced she'd gotten engaged two days earlier. My aunts, cousins, mother and myself all proceeded to congratulate her and ask her how it went down, etc.. I shared the news with her brother (my future DH) later that evening. Her other brother announced it to anyone who hadn't already heard the news during his best man speech at our reception.

I absolutely despise being center of attention and I don't think that is what is driving OPs feelings. It was rude to my mother and to me for my SIL to share her news the way she did. My SIL could've announced her engagement during the brunch her parents were hosting for mostly her family and friends the day after our wedding. Or she could've told us via phone the day it happened like she did with her parents and other brother. Similarly, OPs SIL could've shared the news the next day or the next time they all gathered together rather than in OP's hospital room.

[Anonymous]

Can't believe people are supporting the SIL, that is a total BI*** move to take the joy of your special day. She could have waited a few days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The world doesn't stop because you had a child. He timing sucks, but she probably has been bursting at the seams to tell people. Move on and focus on your baby.... Who will soon have a cousin / future play mate in the family.

You should be grateful she waited this long to tell you. Remember how happy you were? I told everyone because I was so happy (even before the 3 months recommended time frame.) I just couldn't keep my happiness to myself.

Her happiness doesn't take away from yours unless YOU let it.

Congrats to BOTH of you.