DH stole my money

[Anonymous]

People. All OP did was budget some of the household expense money - a small portion of the marital assets that her husband "allowed" her -- for some savings. Which she put in a bank account in her own name. She did not keep the account secret from her husband. In fact, he had the routing number. What, exactly is the problem?

To the poster who said that this man may have a blue collar job or a very stressful job, plus the stress of making the money and my job must be a party: It's not. It can be stressful. But it is nice to work with colleagues instead of alone; to enjoy the congeniality of coffee breaks, and to get so intellectually engaged in something that hours just fly by. I don't think I'm some maverick in some party job because I say this.

I also do more than my share or laundry, dishes, child activities and care, shopping, bill paying and dog-walking. These tasks are less stressful, but they are much more boring and lonely. And unlike work outside the home, you never get the satisfaction of a finished product. It's circular work, and this does make it frustrating -- even stressful -- you work hard cleaning up, and it just gets messy again. Clean dishes and they are dirty again. The clean laundry I put away today is in the hamper tomorrow. Where is the fulfillment in that? At least I can enjoy the time with the children. But circular, brainless work kind of sucks.

Some other poster wrote a huge non-sequitur to some phantom man imagined to be the OP, going on about how SAHMs have infantalized themselves. I think he thought he was on another thread.

Someone else asked,"Isn't she on the mortgage, too?" Well, yes. But again, her contribution towards the marital assets is the work she does in the home. Unless and until she is working outside the home, I do not see why she should be expected to contribute towards household expenses.

Someone said I had given OP terrible, obnoxious advice. Which I interpret to mean that he didn't think my advice was morally right. Should OP be interested at this point in being right, or being effective? Does she want to make more mortgage payments? If not, I think I gave her some pretty good advice.

Then someone else said it was not effective advice because hiding money in a divorce gets you in trouble and she should't trust anyone else with her money. Hmmm. I didn't say to hide the money in the event of a divorce. I said to keep it hidden during the marriage. Also, if you can't trust your mom or your dad or your sibling or your BFF to hold some money for you, that's very sad.

All this thread has done is expose the contempt people have for SAHMs.

[Anonymous]

If the DW has a secret kitty and the family runs into a financial jam, why shouldn't she be expected tomato into it. Seems more about her than the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The above is true if it came to a divorce, yes. But what OP did, by putting that money away in an account only in her name, is protect herself from being destitute and unable to retain a good attorney in a divorce should her husband decide to leave her with nothing. She has an ATM she can hit. Because this was a joint mortgage, and her account was apparently at the same bank as the jointly held mortgage, her husband got away with this. I doubt it would have worked if her stash had been at another bank. And I doubt it would work with respect to anything other than the mortgage or, possibly, a jointly held credit card. It would not be legal for her husband, during the marriage, to just start writing checks from an account only in her name, and no utility company or other business would just access her funds on his say-so.

Personally, I don't have much problem with what OP did, and I am not a SAHM. The work she does at home is work which is worth money. It is not clear that her husband was allowing her access to marital funds, or to what extent. I didn't see any reference to their having a joint account. All of the money her husband brings in is marital. And so, over time, she skimmed bits of it from the budget, and put it away in her name -- just in case. Sure, it would be better if these two were more open and honest about their finances and had a joint account and everything was like a hallmark card. But it obviously isn't, so OP played the cards she had been dealt to the best of her ability. I don't share in everyone's condemnation of OP.

OP, my advice is to take your emergency account TO ANOTHER BANK. Do not tell him or anyone which one you choose. Or give it to a family member, a close friend -- anyone you absolutely trust. Or, buy a small, fire-proof safe deposit box, put the cash there, and hide it somewhere he would never look. No, it won't earn interest. But, using any of the above strategies, you won't be forced to make any more mortgage payments, either.

What is up with people on DCUM. Why isn't anyone asking why this GAINFULLY EMPLOYED MAN couldn't pay the mortgage? Isn't that part of the deal? She works at home, keeps it clean, takes care of the kids, puts dinner on the table. He pays the mortgage.

Stop dumping on OP.

Terrible, obnoxious advice. Imagine if DH had secret accounts somewhere and how you'd react.

Agreed. It sounds like the husband does pay the mortgage and other bills, but OP says the family's funds are tapped out right now because of some expensive house repairs recently. In that circumstance, the options are to not pay the mortgage or to pay it from the savings account that is titled under OP's name. The fact that OP would even question this is stunning and demonstrates the extent to which she has become a child-like dependent rather than a partner in this marriage. Even if she thinks of that account as her pay for being a SAHM, she should be willing to spend it as needed to get the family through a cash-flow crisis because that is what married adults who earn money do. They spend down their emergency savings--reluctantly, of course--when there is a family emergency like a sudden inability to pay the mortgage due to unexpected home repairs.

Moving the OP's account to another bank would be a huge betrayal of trust that can only be described as a theft of marital assets. I agree with other posters that she should have an emergency fund in her own name that is accessible only by her, but this needs to be discussed with and agreed to by DH. And even then, OP needs to be prepared to tap into that personal fund in a crisis. Skimming off the top of the household expense budget and then refusing to spend that money even in a family emergency is wrong on every level.

[Anonymous]

+100 Anyone care to provide a counter argument?

[Anonymous]

In my family, we do not have mine and yours, we have ours. Only DH is the sole wage earner. DW manages the raising of the child. There is usually enough money to pay the bills, but when not, we dip into joint saving. DW does have an emergency fund. About 15K. I (H) am aware of it.

It sounds like the OP had saved a lot (60+K) out of household expenses. Unless they have been married for 30 years, that is more than skimming a little off the top.

And, OP said the money was tapped because of unusual expenses. I understand how that can happen. Petween July and Dec of last year, I had 20K of unexpected expenses, sources ranging from medical bills to uninsured storm damage (Sandy). Stuff happens. I was able to come up with the money.

Now, I get to rip into OP. Do you know how stressful a high paying job can be? You don't earn 150+k because you are pretty. You earn it because you are good. And you get things done on time. You fail, the company loses the ability to pay you.

[Anonymous]

Oh, yeah so hard sitting in front of a computer in an office all day. Give me a break!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my family, we do not have mine and yours, we have ours. Only DH is the sole wage earner. DW manages the raising of the child. There is usually enough money to pay the bills, but when not, we dip into joint saving. DW does have an emergency fund. About 15K. I (H) am aware of it.

It sounds like the OP had saved a lot (60+K) out of household expenses. Unless they have been married for 30 years, that is more than skimming a little off the top.

And, OP said the money was tapped because of unusual expenses. I understand how that can happen. Petween July and Dec of last year, I had 20K of unexpected expenses, sources ranging from medical bills to uninsured storm damage (Sandy). Stuff happens. I was able to come up with the money.

Now, I get to rip into OP. Do you know how stressful a high paying job can be? You don't earn 150+k because you are pretty. You earn it because you are good. And you get things done on time. You fail, the company loses the ability to pay you.

And OP should be grateful that her DH works so hard...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, yeah so hard sitting in front of a computer in an office all day. Give me a break!

It pays your bills, leech.

[Anonymous]

PP: you clearly have never had a job where you were responsible for anything. Yes. I sit in front of a computer all day...actually, three computers. But I am also thinking. Coming up with new ideas. Figuring out new ways of doing our task.

The thing that differentiates humans from other animals is not our physical ability. Many animals are faster, stronger, and more dangerous. We think better. That is what we do best. We come up with ideas. And we implement the ideas. If things were just brawn then the Bears would rule the planet. Without technology, you would not want to run into a Bear. What makes the technology? A bitchy homebody, or someone thinking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't sound like it. She said she skimmed over several years. He's been paying the mortgage fine. All of a sudden -- now -- he cannot afford the mortgage? Who, exactly, is the loser here?

And I agree with OP and a handful of others. There is no "my car" and "his car". There are two family cars. And, as the GAINFULLY EMPLOYED MAN of the house, he is responsible for repairing BOTH OF THEM. He should not be asking her to choose between a car repair and DENTAL WORK. It is his obligation to pay for BOTH. These are not luxuries -- these are necessities. If OP and her H were arguing as to how much money should be budgeted for clothes, shopping, and personal grooming, there would be some room for debate as to how much he should pay for (though he should also pay for some of that).

Again, I am not a SAHM. But this man agreed to his wife staying home. Until I hear otherwise, I am going to assume that she is doing the job of a SAHM: laundry, cleaning, kid stuff, grocery shopping, meals on the table. Basically, she takes care of the home and manages the household. This is work, for which she is entitled to compensation. Her husband is not giving her access to marital funds. Instead, he's giving her money from which to pay certain household expenses. That his number one "BAD". His second bad, is that, having the benefit of a wife who works in the home, he did not hold up his end of the deal -- which is to pay the household expenses. Most especially the mortgage. This is not a MAN.

A MAN either MANs up, and takes the responsibilities that come with the benefits of working outside the home (getting away from it all, getting to socialize, going out for lunches and happy hours, maintaining and expanding upon skills that continue to make him marketable) -- and this includes paying the mortgage -- OR, again, he MAN's up -- tells his wife that they cannot afford for her to stay at home. Gives her some time to transition to the job market, and then DOES HIS SHARE OF THE HOUSEWORK.

My analysis remains the same irrespective of which member of the family is working outside or within the home.

This man wants to have his cake and eat it. No, he's worse than that. He wants to pay for the cake via his wife's routing number behind her back and eat it.

How did his wife get the money to begin with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, yeah so hard sitting in front of a computer in an office all day. Give me a break!

Clearly you have no idea, unemployed loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

All OP did was budget some of the household expense money - a small portion of the marital assets that her husband "allowed" her -- for some savings. Which she put in a bank account in her own name. She did not keep the account secret from her husband. In fact, he had the routing number. What, exactly is the problem?

Lucy Ricardo, is that you? Haven't seen you in years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People. All OP did was budget some of the household expense money - a small portion of the marital assets that her husband "allowed" her -- for some savings. Which she put in a bank account in her own name. She did not keep the account secret from her husband. In fact, he had the routing number. What, exactly is the problem?

To the poster who said that this man may have a blue collar job or a very stressful job, plus the stress of making the money and my job must be a party: It's not. It can be stressful. But it is nice to work with colleagues instead of alone; to enjoy the congeniality of coffee breaks, and to get so intellectually engaged in something that hours just fly by. I don't think I'm some maverick in some party job because I say this.

I also do more than my share or laundry, dishes, child activities and care, shopping, bill paying and dog-walking. These tasks are less stressful, but they are much more boring and lonely. And unlike work outside the home, you never get the satisfaction of a finished product. It's circular work, and this does make it frustrating -- even stressful -- you work hard cleaning up, and it just gets messy again. Clean dishes and they are dirty again. The clean laundry I put away today is in the hamper tomorrow. Where is the fulfillment in that? At least I can enjoy the time with the children. But circular, brainless work kind of sucks.

Some other poster wrote a huge non-sequitur to some phantom man imagined to be the OP, going on about how SAHMs have infantalized themselves. I think he thought he was on another thread.

Someone else asked,"Isn't she on the mortgage, too?" Well, yes. But again, her contribution towards the marital assets is the work she does in the home. Unless and until she is working outside the home, I do not see why she should be expected to contribute towards household expenses.

Someone said I had given OP terrible, obnoxious advice. Which I interpret to mean that he didn't think my advice was morally right. Should OP be interested at this point in being right, or being effective? Does she want to make more mortgage payments? If not, I think I gave her some pretty good advice.

Then someone else said it was not effective advice because hiding money in a divorce gets you in trouble and she should't trust anyone else with her money. Hmmm. I didn't say to hide the money in the event of a divorce. I said to keep it hidden during the marriage. Also, if you can't trust your mom or your dad or your sibling or your BFF to hold some money for you, that's very sad.

All this thread has done is expose the contempt people have for SAHMs.

You do know that many SAHM have chimed in on this thread stating that OP was wrong. So are you saying they have contempt for themselves for choosing to SAH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:+100 Anyone care to provide a counter argument?

Yes. There is not theft of marital assets until you get to a divorce. Until then, all you have is a marital dispute. Say I go buy a sailboat tomorrow without my husband's permission. He's unhappy about it. Have I stolen marital assets? Would any judge get involved at that point. No.

Now, if we divorced, the money I spent on that sailboat could be considered a depreciation of marital assets, and the equitable distribution of the estate may account for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

All OP did was budget some of the household expense money - a small portion of the marital assets that her husband "allowed" her -- for some savings. Which she put in a bank account in her own name. She did not keep the account secret from her husband. In fact, he had the routing number. What, exactly is the problem?

Lucy Ricardo, is that you? Haven't seen you in years.

Your intense familiarity with I Love Lucy is disturbing.