What to tell child who is product of an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, are you getting child support or any compensation? I think that will help your dd in the long run. That in itself is accountability.

Yes, and I am not sure how I am going to explain it when she is older. "Your father sends a big check each year but I can't tell you who he is and you can't meet him," isn't going to fly.

He's legally NOT allowed to do that. Even you cannot infringe on her rights. In addition he can't fiscally cut her off until 18 at the earliest. Some status he might have to pay thru college. So make him explain to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read this whole thread and so many of the PPs are very harsh! The OP is simply asking what to tell her child about her dad as she ages. I would tell her she was conceived in love and never waver from that foundation. Also, I agree with the PPs who recommend a good therapist. best of luck to you and your daughter.

How is it "conceived in love" when the father isn't involved? The child will realize that "love" doesn't seem to fit the "story."

Stfu.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, are you getting child support or any compensation? I think that will help your dd in the long run. That in itself is accountability.

Yes, and I am not sure how I am going to explain it when she is older. "Your father sends a big check each year but I can't tell you who he is and you can't meet him," isn't going to fly.

He's legally NOT allowed to do that. Even you cannot infringe on her rights. In addition he can't fiscally cut her off until 18 at the earliest. Some status he might have to pay thru college. So make him explain to her.

Status should be states. I gotta say I would wait until she was clearly kinda adult enough and paper him in open court just to the wife has to do the household shuffle. For in these times, young grasshopper, the wife's money is considered household income and should be included in a support award... They could've and should've done the right thing and they did not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, are you getting child support or any compensation? I think that will help your dd in the long run. That in itself is accountability.

Yes, and I am not sure how I am going to explain it when she is older. "Your father sends a big check each year but I can't tell you who he is and you can't meet him," isn't going to fly.

He's legally NOT allowed to do that. Even you cannot infringe on her rights. In addition he can't fiscally cut her off until 18 at the earliest. Some status he might have to pay thru college. So make him explain to her.

Status should be states. I gotta say I would wait until she was clearly kinda adult enough and paper him in open court just to the wife has to do the household shuffle. For in these times, young grasshopper, the wife's money is considered household income and should be included in a support award... They could've and should've done the right thing and they did not.

It has crossed my mind, but I care about my daughter and wouldn't risk embarrassing her and turning her life upside down for money. That is one thing I am sure of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, are you getting child support or any compensation? I think that will help your dd in the long run. That in itself is accountability.

Yes, and I am not sure how I am going to explain it when she is older. "Your father sends a big check each year but I can't tell you who he is and you can't meet him," isn't going to fly.

He's legally NOT allowed to do that. Even you cannot infringe on her rights. In addition he can't fiscally cut her off until 18 at the earliest. Some status he might have to pay thru college. So make him explain to her.

Status should be states. I gotta say I would wait until she was clearly kinda adult enough and paper him in open court just to the wife has to do the household shuffle. For in these times, young grasshopper, the wife's money is considered household income and should be included in a support award... They could've and should've done the right thing and they did not.

It has crossed my mind, but I care about my daughter and wouldn't risk embarrassing her and turning her life upside down for money. That is one thing I am sure of.

.

You just need to do it before she is 18. She can give you her opinion/decision long before that time. Again, it is her right (not his not yours).

[Anonymous]

OP here. What is the "right" thing to do at this point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. What is the "right" thing to do at this point?

Well, at this point your daughter is 1, so I doubt you have to tell her anything right now.

Other than providing financial support (which I actually don't agree with), the biological father owes you and your daughter nothing so trying to force him in her life is unfair and will likely have bad results. He didn't want the baby, you did. Now, it's time for you to raise the child.

When your DD gets to an age where she asks about her father you can tell her some version of the truth. When you decided to give birth against his wishes, you decided to handle all this on your own. Now get to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. What is the "right" thing to do at this point?

Well, at this point your daughter is 1, so I doubt you have to tell her anything right now.

Other than providing financial support (which I actually don't agree with), the biological father owes you and your daughter nothing so trying to force him in her life is unfair and will likely have bad results. He didn't want the baby, you did. Now, it's time for you to raise the child.

When your DD gets to an age where she asks about her father you can tell her some version of the truth. When you decided to give birth against his wishes, you decided to handle all this on your own. Now get to it.

This is PP who was the result of adultery herself. This is just awful advice. Growing up without a father (and being abandoned), I promise you, that the father DOES IN FACT owe that child something. He chose to have the sex, there are consequences to that. Just because HE didn't want the child doesn't mean he wasn't willing to pony up the sex. He needs to grow up and take responsibility for his actions, both through financial support and being there.

OP, you are killing me. Fight for your daughter for fucks sake. Tell him that he cannot leave her to feel abandoned and that you'll fight it, and him, if he does. Fuck your confidentiality clause. Unless it set you daughter financially for life, it's a worthless piece of paper and why the HELL did you sign it?! For now, with her so young, you don't need to be worrying about what to tell her. You need to be forcing that man to be a father.

Grow up. Jesus.

[Anonymous]

No. All that man is obligated to do is to provide financial help. Men have rights too and he did not want this child. He has taken financial responsibility for having unprotected sex. OP now has the responsibility of living with her decision. If my DH fathered an illegitimate child, he pays but I do not want that child in my family and I'll be damned if I would pay one penny for her. It is OP's problem, not his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. All that man is obligated to do is to provide financial help. Men have rights too and he did not want this child. He has taken financial responsibility for having unprotected sex. OP now has the responsibility of living with her decision. If my DH fathered an illegitimate child, he pays but I do not want that child in my family and I'll be damned if I would pay one penny for her. It is OP's problem, not his.

You'd support your husband in abandoning a child? You both sound like winners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. All that man is obligated to do is to provide financial help. Men have rights too and he did not want this child. He has taken financial responsibility for having unprotected sex. OP now has the responsibility of living with her decision. If my DH fathered an illegitimate child, he pays but I do not want that child in my family and I'll be damned if I would pay one penny for her. It is OP's problem, not his.

Well, most of the rest of us aren't monsters.

[Anonymous]

PP who is the daughter from an affair- I'm the adoptive mom to a child who was also from an affair.

Do you have any advice as to how/when we should tell her? I know that our situations are different in that we have an added issue of adoption. What would've been most comforting, yet truthful to you to hear? I assume that my husband and I will seek counseling when our child gets older to help us with this (there are also other difficult things with her adoption).

Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. All that man is obligated to do is to provide financial help. Men have rights too and he did not want this child. He has taken financial responsibility for having unprotected sex. OP now has the responsibility of living with her decision. If my DH fathered an illegitimate child, he pays but I do not want that child in my family and I'll be damned if I would pay one penny for her. It is OP's problem, not his.

Well, most of the rest of us aren't monsters.

No, not monsters. Realists.

Both men and women have to face consequences when birth control fails. But let's be honest: women hold more power.

If a woman gets pregnant and the man makes it clear he's not interested in being a father, he should not be obligated to raise the child. It's a very unfair system that I hope gets changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP who is the daughter from an affair- I'm the adoptive mom to a child who was also from an affair.

Do you have any advice as to how/when we should tell her? I know that our situations are different in that we have an added issue of adoption. What would've been most comforting, yet truthful to you to hear? I assume that my husband and I will seek counseling when our child gets older to help us with this (there are also other difficult things with her adoption).

Thanks.

Are you saying your DH cheated and you're now raising his daughter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. What is the "right" thing to do at this point?

Well, at this point your daughter is 1, so I doubt you have to tell her anything right now.

Other than providing financial support (which I actually don't agree with), the biological father owes you and your daughter nothing so trying to force him in her life is unfair and will likely have bad results. He didn't want the baby, you did. Now, it's time for you to raise the child.

When your DD gets to an age where she asks about her father you can tell her some version of the truth. When you decided to give birth against his wishes, you decided to handle all this on your own. Now get to it.

Op ignore this dumb bitter person. You tell her the truth as she can understand. Families all different sizes, I love you, its just us for now...When she hits a certain age and only you will know maturity wise get him on the phone and make him explain to her. The trump card of you not going public now is this... he doesnt answer her he can answer the press and his wonderful wife can explain to her friends and family what a wonderful upstanding man she's been married to all these years.