What to tell child who is product of an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:18:58, are you saying that OP has no responsibility in tbis situation? She was having an affair witb a much older married man. There iz equal blame and responsibility. She chose to have a child even thoughhe made it perfectlly clear that he wanted nothing to do with the child. She has signed a confidentiality agreement. If OP has even the IQ in mid double digits, which I doubt, then she had legal counsel.
She made her bed and now she doesn't find it comfortable. Tough. He owes nothing to her or her unfortunate child.

Look, I am pro choice. But I am also anti abortion. I think all women have to make the decision for themselves and not have it imposed on them by someone else. But, it is not something I would do. No matter what the circumstances of conception, I actually respect and admire a woman who keeps a pregnancy despite all the self-serving reasons why she might want to abort instead. And to KEEP that child herself instead of washing her hands of it, putting the baby up for adoption?

We should be congratulating OP for taking the difficult path, not smearing her for accepting the consequences of her actions. The father must also accept the consequences of his choice to have sex outside of marriage. Including that a confidentiality agreement might not be enough to hide his sins.

I would admire the OP more if she actually held to her side of the bargain. She wanted the child, she's getting support and she's signed a confidentiality agreement. That's it. Now it seems like she's not cool with what she's agreed to and wants to stick it to this man by now forcing him to acknowledge her daughter's existence. Not cool.

Should the man's wife know about his affair? Damn straight. But forcing this guy to acknowledge the child is the wrong way to go about it and will cause resentment not some sudden wave of love for his bastard child.

If the guy is paying child support, he's fulfilling his obligation as a sperm donor (which he was essentially). He never signed on for being a father, so he didn't breach any agreement with her on that score. Parenting should be a mutual decision; not something someone can force on you.

It was mutual when he put his penis into her vagina. But for that act this all would not be possible.

Amen! He could have just not cheated on his wife.

[Anonymous]

I'm so glad I'm not a man and am not at the mercy of a woman when it comes to whether or not I want a child of mine born into this world.
>>>>>>>>>>>

You hit the nail on the head. That is EXACTLY what this is about. The reality that when it comes to sex and the most awesome power of all, the power to create another human life - men are at the mercy of women. And brother, does that piss them off.

Of course, men can avoid this problem by simply not having sex with those evil, sperm stealing succubi.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:18:58, are you saying that OP has no responsibility in tbis situation? She was having an affair witb a much older married man. There iz equal blame and responsibility. She chose to have a child even thoughhe made it perfectlly clear that he wanted nothing to do with the child. She has signed a confidentiality agreement. If OP has even the IQ in mid double digits, which I doubt, then she had legal counsel.
She made her bed and now she doesn't find it comfortable. Tough. He owes nothing to her or her unfortunate child.

Look, I am pro choice. But I am also anti abortion. I think all women have to make the decision for themselves and not have it imposed on them by someone else. But, it is not something I would do. No matter what the circumstances of conception, I actually respect and admire a woman who keeps a pregnancy despite all the self-serving reasons why she might want to abort instead. And to KEEP that child herself instead of washing her hands of it, putting the baby up for adoption?

We should be congratulating OP for taking the difficult path, not smearing her for accepting the consequences of her actions. The father must also accept the consequences of his choice to have sex outside of marriage. Including that a confidentiality agreement might not be enough to hide his sins.

I would admire the OP more if she actually held to her side of the bargain. She wanted the child, she's getting support and she's signed a confidentiality agreement. That's it. Now it seems like she's not cool with what she's agreed to and wants to stick it to this man by now forcing him to acknowledge her daughter's existence. Not cool.

Should the man's wife know about his affair? Damn straight. But forcing this guy to acknowledge the child is the wrong way to go about it and will cause resentment not some sudden wave of love for his bastard child.

If the guy is paying child support, he's fulfilling his obligation as a sperm donor (which he was essentially). He never signed on for being a father, so he didn't breach any agreement with her on that score. Parenting should be a mutual decision; not something someone can force on you.

It was mutual when he put his penis into her vagina. But for that act this all would not be possible.

Amen! He could have just not cheated on his wife.

So, it's all the man's fault right. Poor little woman.

You two still fail (unwittingly or not) to realize that a man's choice should not end at conception; just as it doesn't with a woman.

I personally feel that men should have an "opt-out" period (let's say until the expectant mother is 3 months along) to sign away his rights as a father. That way, at that point, the mother can choose to either continue or abort based on the foreknowledge that she will be a single mother with no paternal support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:18:58, are you saying that OP has no responsibility in tbis situation? She was having an affair witb a much older married man. There iz equal blame and responsibility. She chose to have a child even thoughhe made it perfectlly clear that he wanted nothing to do with the child. She has signed a confidentiality agreement. If OP has even the IQ in mid double digits, which I doubt, then she had legal counsel.
She made her bed and now she doesn't find it comfortable. Tough. He owes nothing to her or her unfortunate child.

Look, I am pro choice. But I am also anti abortion. I think all women have to make the decision for themselves and not have it imposed on them by someone else. But, it is not something I would do. No matter what the circumstances of conception, I actually respect and admire a woman who keeps a pregnancy despite all the self-serving reasons why she might want to abort instead. And to KEEP that child herself instead of washing her hands of it, putting the baby up for adoption?

We should be congratulating OP for taking the difficult path, not smearing her for accepting the consequences of her actions. The father must also accept the consequences of his choice to have sex outside of marriage. Including that a confidentiality agreement might not be enough to hide his sins.

I would admire the OP more if she actually held to her side of the bargain. She wanted the child, she's getting support and she's signed a confidentiality agreement. That's it. Now it seems like she's not cool with what she's agreed to and wants to stick it to this man by now forcing him to acknowledge her daughter's existence. Not cool.

Should the man's wife know about his affair? Damn straight. But forcing this guy to acknowledge the child is the wrong way to go about it and will cause resentment not some sudden wave of love for his bastard child.

If the guy is paying child support, he's fulfilling his obligation as a sperm donor (which he was essentially). He never signed on for being a father, so he didn't breach any agreement with her on that score. Parenting should be a mutual decision; not something someone can force on you.

It was mutual when he put his penis into her vagina. But for that act this all would not be possible.

Amen! He could have just not cheated on his wife.

So, it's all the man's fault right. Poor little woman.

You two still fail (unwittingly or not) to realize that a man's choice should not end at conception; just as it doesn't with a woman.

I personally feel that men should have an "opt-out" period (let's say until the expectant mother is 3 months along) to sign away his rights as a father. That way, at that point, the mother can choose to either continue or abort based on the foreknowledge that she will be a single mother with no paternal support.

Women with morals DON'T have an opt-out period post-conception. The opt-out period is the sex act. The "sperm donor" in this case did not opt out when presented with the opportunity to bang a 19 year old girl. Why should he get any more of a pass than he already has? And at the expense of his child, no less?

[Anonymous]

Women with morals do not have pre-marital sex or sex with a married man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:18:58, are you saying that OP has no responsibility in tbis situation? She was having an affair witb a much older married man. There iz equal blame and responsibility. She chose to have a child even thoughhe made it perfectlly clear that he wanted nothing to do with the child. She has signed a confidentiality agreement. If OP has even the IQ in mid double digits, which I doubt, then she had legal counsel.
She made her bed and now she doesn't find it comfortable. Tough. He owes nothing to her or her unfortunate child.

Look, I am pro choice. But I am also anti abortion. I think all women have to make the decision for themselves and not have it imposed on them by someone else. But, it is not something I would do. No matter what the circumstances of conception, I actually respect and admire a woman who keeps a pregnancy despite all the self-serving reasons why she might want to abort instead. And to KEEP that child herself instead of washing her hands of it, putting the baby up for adoption?

We should be congratulating OP for taking the difficult path, not smearing her for accepting the consequences of her actions. The father must also accept the consequences of his choice to have sex outside of marriage. Including that a confidentiality agreement might not be enough to hide his sins.

I would admire the OP more if she actually held to her side of the bargain. She wanted the child, she's getting support and she's signed a confidentiality agreement. That's it. Now it seems like she's not cool with what she's agreed to and wants to stick it to this man by now forcing him to acknowledge her daughter's existence. Not cool.

Should the man's wife know about his affair? Damn straight. But forcing this guy to acknowledge the child is the wrong way to go about it and will cause resentment not some sudden wave of love for his bastard child.

If the guy is paying child support, he's fulfilling his obligation as a sperm donor (which he was essentially). He never signed on for being a father, so he didn't breach any agreement with her on that score. Parenting should be a mutual decision; not something someone can force on you.

It was mutual when he put his penis into her vagina. But for that act this all would not be possible.

Amen! He could have just not cheated on his wife.

So, it's all the man's fault right. Poor little woman.

You two still fail (unwittingly or not) to realize that a man's choice should not end at conception; just as it doesn't with a woman.

I personally feel that men should have an "opt-out" period (let's say until the expectant mother is 3 months along) to sign away his rights as a father. That way, at that point, the mother can choose to either continue or abort based on the foreknowledge that she will be a single mother with no paternal support.

Women with morals DON'T have an opt-out period post-conception. The opt-out period is the sex act. The "sperm donor" in this case did not opt out when presented with the opportunity to bang a 19 year old girl. Why should he get any more of a pass than he already has? And at the expense of his child, no less?

Ahh, so those who are pro-choice and would elect to have an abortion are immoral? Is that what you're saying?

And this guy didn't rape her. They had *equal power* when it came to their physical relationship and they should have had *equal power* when it came to deciding what to do re: the consequences of their actions. Your calling the OP "girl" speaks volumes (poor little innocent homewrecker); you sound like a man-hater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And this guy didn't rape her. They had *equal power* when it came to their physical relationship and they should have had *equal power* when it came to deciding what to do re: the consequences of their actions. Your calling the OP "girl" speaks volumes (poor little innocent homewrecker); you sound like a man-hater.

I would argue that a 19 year old is still a child in many ways and would not consider her to be on equal footing with a powerful middle-aged man. Clearly you don't have daughters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women with morals do not have pre-marital sex or sex with a married man.

Because premarital sex is on the same level as killing a baby...

[Anonymous]

I think that child should be told as soon as it can talk so it can share your plight with the world!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women with morals do not have pre-marital sex or sex with a married man.

Because premarital sex is on the same level as killing a baby...

If she had kept her legs crossed, no baby. She didn't have an abortion, did she? Now she is a PITA, martyr. I feel so sorry for thiis child! Abortion is legal.

[Anonymous]

http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2013/02/15/cohen-was-tweeting-daughter-not-young-lover/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women with morals do not have pre-marital sex or sex with a married man.

Because premarital sex is on the same level as killing a baby...

If she had kept her legs crossed, no baby. She didn't have an abortion, did she? Now she is a PITA, martyr. I feel so sorry for thiis child! Abortion is legal.

wow. Im guessing you are stucking with a cheater for a husband. Blame the woman when really if you knew how to do your job... this couldnt have happened.
Double snap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:18:58, are you saying that OP has no responsibility in tbis situation? She was having an affair witb a much older married man. There iz equal blame and responsibility. She chose to have a child even thoughhe made it perfectlly clear that he wanted nothing to do with the child. She has signed a confidentiality agreement. If OP has even the IQ in mid double digits, which I doubt, then she had legal counsel.
She made her bed and now she doesn't find it comfortable. Tough. He owes nothing to her or her unfortunate child.

Look, I am pro choice. But I am also anti abortion. I think all women have to make the decision for themselves and not have it imposed on them by someone else. But, it is not something I would do. No matter what the circumstances of conception, I actually respect and admire a woman who keeps a pregnancy despite all the self-serving reasons why she might want to abort instead. And to KEEP that child herself instead of washing her hands of it, putting the baby up for adoption?

We should be congratulating OP for taking the difficult path, not smearing her for accepting the consequences of her actions. The father must also accept the consequences of his choice to have sex outside of marriage. Including that a confidentiality agreement might not be enough to hide his sins.

I would admire the OP more if she actually held to her side of the bargain. She wanted the child, she's getting support and she's signed a confidentiality agreement. That's it. Now it seems like she's not cool with what she's agreed to and wants to stick it to this man by now forcing him to acknowledge her daughter's existence. Not cool.

Should the man's wife know about his affair? Damn straight. But forcing this guy to acknowledge the child is the wrong way to go about it and will cause resentment not some sudden wave of love for his bastard child.

If the guy is paying child support, he's fulfilling his obligation as a sperm donor (which he was essentially). He never signed on for being a father, so he didn't breach any agreement with her on that score. Parenting should be a mutual decision; not something someone can force on you.

This is OP. Please note I have not tried to "stick" anything to this man and have played along with his desire to keep this quiet from day one. The decisions we have both made in the past two years are going to shape the rest of my child's life and there is nothing wrong with seeking advice on how best to minimize the damage to her. If someday that is going to mean putting the innocent child's needs ahead of the needs/desires of the adults in this situation, so be it; at this point all I am wondering is what is the best I can do given the situation as it is.

I really appreciate the input of those who have been in or seen similar situations. 20:54 - how messy did it get? Was there healing in finding out or only pain?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women with morals do not have pre-marital sex or sex with a married man.

Because premarital sex is on the same level as killing a baby...

If she had kept her legs crossed, no baby. She didn't have an abortion, did she? Now she is a PITA, martyr. I feel so sorry for thiis child! Abortion is legal.

wow. Im guessing you are stucking with a cheater for a husband. Blame the woman when really if you knew how to do your job... this couldnt have happened.
Double snap.

Not the pp, but what a childish statement to make. No one is blaming *only* the woman, but to pretend she was innocent in this is silly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:18:58, are you saying that OP has no responsibility in tbis situation? She was having an affair witb a much older married man. There iz equal blame and responsibility. She chose to have a child even thoughhe made it perfectlly clear that he wanted nothing to do with the child. She has signed a confidentiality agreement. If OP has even the IQ in mid double digits, which I doubt, then she had legal counsel.
She made her bed and now she doesn't find it comfortable. Tough. He owes nothing to her or her unfortunate child.

Look, I am pro choice. But I am also anti abortion. I think all women have to make the decision for themselves and not have it imposed on them by someone else. But, it is not something I would do. No matter what the circumstances of conception, I actually respect and admire a woman who keeps a pregnancy despite all the self-serving reasons why she might want to abort instead. And to KEEP that child herself instead of washing her hands of it, putting the baby up for adoption?

We should be congratulating OP for taking the difficult path, not smearing her for accepting the consequences of her actions. The father must also accept the consequences of his choice to have sex outside of marriage. Including that a confidentiality agreement might not be enough to hide his sins.

I would admire the OP more if she actually held to her side of the bargain. She wanted the child, she's getting support and she's signed a confidentiality agreement. That's it. Now it seems like she's not cool with what she's agreed to and wants to stick it to this man by now forcing him to acknowledge her daughter's existence. Not cool.

Should the man's wife know about his affair? Damn straight. But forcing this guy to acknowledge the child is the wrong way to go about it and will cause resentment not some sudden wave of love for his bastard child.

If the guy is paying child support, he's fulfilling his obligation as a sperm donor (which he was essentially). He never signed on for being a father, so he didn't breach any agreement with her on that score. Parenting should be a mutual decision; not something someone can force on you.

This is OP. Please note I have not tried to "stick" anything to this man and have played along with his desire to keep this quiet from day one. The decisions we have both made in the past two years are going to shape the rest of my child's life and there is nothing wrong with seeking advice on how best to minimize the damage to her. If someday that is going to mean putting the innocent child's needs ahead of the needs/desires of the adults in this situation, so be it; at this point all I am wondering is what is the best I can do given the situation as it is.

I really appreciate the input of those who have been in or seen similar situations. 20:54 - how messy did it get? Was there healing in finding out or only pain?

It seems like you're not so much worried about telling your daughter, but rather "exposing" her to the man's wife to out the affair. Go for it if you want, but realize: 1) he's not going to leave the wife for you, 2) the wife will probably forgive him and they will shun the child even more. So in the end....you're right back where you've started.

What help is it to expose your child to an indifferent father?