What to tell child who is product of an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:18:58, are you saying that OP has no responsibility in tbis situation? She was having an affair witb a much older married man. There iz equal blame and responsibility. She chose to have a child even thoughhe made it perfectlly clear that he wanted nothing to do with the child. She has signed a confidentiality agreement. If OP has even the IQ in mid double digits, which I doubt, then she had legal counsel.
She made her bed and now she doesn't find it comfortable. Tough. He owes nothing to her or her unfortunate child.

Look, I am pro choice. But I am also anti abortion. I think all women have to make the decision for themselves and not have it imposed on them by someone else. But, it is not something I would do. No matter what the circumstances of conception, I actually respect and admire a woman who keeps a pregnancy despite all the self-serving reasons why she might want to abort instead. And to KEEP that child herself instead of washing her hands of it, putting the baby up for adoption?

We should be congratulating OP for taking the difficult path, not smearing her for accepting the consequences of her actions. The father must also accept the consequences of his choice to have sex outside of marriage. Including that a confidentiality agreement might not be enough to hide his sins.

I would admire the OP more if she actually held to her side of the bargain. She wanted the child, she's getting support and she's signed a confidentiality agreement. That's it. Now it seems like she's not cool with what she's agreed to and wants to stick it to this man by now forcing him to acknowledge her daughter's existence. Not cool.

Should the man's wife know about his affair? Damn straight. But forcing this guy to acknowledge the child is the wrong way to go about it and will cause resentment not some sudden wave of love for his bastard child.

If the guy is paying child support, he's fulfilling his obligation as a sperm donor (which he was essentially). He never signed on for being a father, so he didn't breach any agreement with her on that score. Parenting should be a mutual decision; not something someone can force on you.

This is OP. Please note I have not tried to "stick" anything to this man and have played along with his desire to keep this quiet from day one. The decisions we have both made in the past two years are going to shape the rest of my child's life and there is nothing wrong with seeking advice on how best to minimize the damage to her. If someday that is going to mean putting the innocent child's needs ahead of the needs/desires of the adults in this situation, so be it; at this point all I am wondering is what is the best I can do given the situation as it is.

I really appreciate the input of those who have been in or seen similar situations. 20:54 - how messy did it get? Was there healing in finding out or only pain?

It seems like you're not so much worried about telling your daughter, but rather "exposing" her to the man's wife to out the affair. Go for it if you want, but realize: 1) he's not going to leave the wife for you, 2) the wife will probably forgive him and they will shun the child even more. So in the end....you're right back where you've started.

What help is it to expose your child to an indifferent father?

Actually other posters have suggested that. I am not at all interested in exposing him or hurting his family and never said otherwise. My daughter is over a year old and we have barely spoken since I discovered I was pregnant; this is not someone I am interested in having a relationship with at this point. Just want to do what is best for my daughter.

[Anonymous]

So what are you looking for, OP? Your daughter is 1, so you don't need to tell her anything right now. When she gets older, tell her the truth. None of these things involve any contact with the father.

[Anonymous]

Some of this advice is crazy. Blackmail him into having a relationship with your dd? Are you nuts? Fast forward 15 years when he throws that back in her face. Self esteem destroyed. If it even gets that far! It's not 1955. You try to blackmail him, it all comes out. So what? His wife will get mad then stand by him, you will be publicly vilified by the press and contact with your dd with likely end.

If he really is famous, you should be afraid of exposure as well. All of the vitriol that you got on this thread x 1 million. The names you'll be called. Look at politicians and look at how they survive. Look at their mistresses. It's not pretty. The media are vicious and mean. And your dd will get this thrown in her face in school, don't you worry about it. Instead of being a dd of a single mom, EVERYONE will be talking about her "dad" and calling her names. School will be terrible for her. Her name will be permanently googleable. This will follow her to high school, college.

DO NOT DO THIS TO YOUR CHILD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of this advice is crazy. Blackmail him into having a relationship with your dd? Are you nuts? Fast forward 15 years when he throws that back in her face. Self esteem destroyed. If it even gets that far! It's not 1955. You try to blackmail him, it all comes out. So what? His wife will get mad then stand by him, you will be publicly vilified by the press and contact with your dd with likely end.

If he really is famous, you should be afraid of exposure as well. All of the vitriol that you got on this thread x 1 million. The names you'll be called. Look at politicians and look at how they survive. Look at their mistresses. It's not pretty. The media are vicious and mean. And your dd will get this thrown in her face in school, don't you worry about it. Instead of being a dd of a single mom, EVERYONE will be talking about her "dad" and calling her names. School will be terrible for her. Her name will be permanently googleable. This will follow her to high school, college.

DO NOT DO THIS TO YOUR CHILD.

These are all excellent points -- the very reasons I haven't outed him already and have no plans to do so. The question isn't should I pick up the phone and make it public; it never was. The question is do I tell her he is alive? Does she need to know his name? Does she need to know it was an affair or just that her father isn't around? Would she be better off if I said I didn't know who her father is or how to find him?

I realize I don't need to tell her anything now. She calls our dog Dada but I don't think she understands what a dad is at this point. I just want to have it figured out so I can be consistent from the beginning.

[Anonymous]

I have never been in your situation but I don't see the problem. When she asks who her father is you tell her and show a picture. You tell her you once loved him very much that was how you had her . He can not be with you but families come in many ways. When she is 13 and has had a few years of the sex talk ( biological part starts about 4 th or 5 th grade now in the public schools) you tell her a bit more. When she is 16 you tell her more, etc. I can't see any reason to tell her he is dead.

[Anonymous]

Pete Domenici just admits fathering a child outside of his marriage. The kid sounds like he's very successful now. No advice, OP, but it can be done.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/post-politics/wp/2013/02/20/former-senator-pete-domenici-kept-son-secret-for-decades/?fb_action_ids=10200618595052434&fb_action_types=og.recommends&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map=%5B114592848724763%5D&action_type_map=%5B%22og.recommends%22%5D&action_ref_map=%5B%5D

[Anonymous]

You tell the child that when you found out you were pregnant you chose to raise her by yourself. It was the best choice you ever made. You love her and are incredibly proud of a what a strong, smart, beautiful, amazing person she is.

You don't act as though there is something missing from your life. The two of you are a complete family. You make sure that your DD has lots of positive, loving adults in her life.

When you need to, you explain that you had a relationship with a man that made a baby--her. He wasn't ready to be her father and so he's not in her life. He's her biological father, but he's not her Dad, because a Dad is someone who takes care of his kid.

Then you go back to the fact that the two of you are a complete family, you love her so much, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You tell the child that when you found out you were pregnant you chose to raise her by yourself. It was the best choice you ever made. You love her and are incredibly proud of a what a strong, smart, beautiful, amazing person she is.

You don't act as though there is something missing from your life. The two of you are a complete family. You make sure that your DD has lots of positive, loving adults in her life.

When you need to, you explain that you had a relationship with a man that made a baby--her. He wasn't ready to be her father and so he's not in her life. He's her biological father, but he's not her Dad, because a Dad is someone who takes care of his kid.

Then you go back to the fact that the two of you are a complete family, you love her so much, etc.

This is good. I shall steal it and claim it as my own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mangled that quote, sorry. +1 was for the above poster, not the boob who thinks men who have unprotected sex shouldn't deal with the consequences.

Sorry, but if women have a choice post-conception, so should men.

I'll agree to that when men can carry the child to term and give birth. The situation will NEVER be "equal" because having a child is not "equal" for the man and the woman involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You tell the child that when you found out you were pregnant you chose to raise her by yourself. It was the best choice you ever made. You love her and are incredibly proud of a what a strong, smart, beautiful, amazing person she is.

You don't act as though there is something missing from your life. The two of you are a complete family. You make sure that your DD has lots of positive, loving adults in her life.

When you need to, you explain that you had a relationship with a man that made a baby--her. He wasn't ready to be her father and so he's not in her life. He's her biological father, but he's not her Dad, because a Dad is someone who takes care of his kid.

Then you go back to the fact that the two of you are a complete family, you love her so much, etc.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mangled that quote, sorry. +1 was for the above poster, not the boob who thinks men who have unprotected sex shouldn't deal with the consequences.

Sorry, but if women have a choice post-conception, so should men.

I'll agree to that when men can carry the child to term and give birth. The situation will NEVER be "equal" because having a child is not "equal" for the man and the woman involved.

What a juvenile way of thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mangled that quote, sorry. +1 was for the above poster, not the boob who thinks men who have unprotected sex shouldn't deal with the consequences.

Sorry, but if women have a choice post-conception, so should men.

I'll agree to that when men can carry the child to term and give birth. The situation will NEVER be "equal" because having a child is not "equal" for the man and the woman involved.

What a juvenile way of thinking.

Hardly. Clearly you aren't a mother.

[Anonymous]

Could you go to counseling to discuss a strategy with age appropriate language?

Also, you may be remarried with other kids in the future. Not saying it's not serious but you may be overly worried about it.

[Anonymous]

I am going to discuss it with a counselor. It would be great if I met somebody but it is hard to imagine that happening since I don't get out much. Not to mention who would want to date a single mom who is responsible for a baby 100% of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am going to discuss it with a counselor. It would be great if I met somebody but it is hard to imagine that happening since I don't get out much. Not to mention who would want to date a single mom who is responsible for a baby 100% of the time.

Open your eyes OP a lot of men. I get hit at least weekly. I'm just not that into them!

Yes men have asked if I'm single with my toddler holding my hand.