What to tell child who is product of an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom: This is your dad.
Dad: Hi, I'm your father
Wife: I'll be out shopping/lunch when the child is over with the siblings. You're on duty.

Key is to keep the moms apart, apart from polite nods or basic communication.

Now if you put nothing on the birth certificate and told no one who the dad is, you have the option to keep your mouth shut.

Why shoud the wife leave? She dd nothing wrong and if the dad decided to have a part OP needs to accept the wife as his partner and step mother to her daughter.

The wife seems to have decided that she wants no reminder of the affair. IF she's not willing to be in the stepmother role (her choice) she should just not be around when dad spends time with the kid and the siblings. She shouldn't be around being toxic around the kid. The kid's mom isn't there either. This isn't about OP accepting wife, it's about whether wife accepts kid which she seems to have not done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just hope you didn't know he was married before getting involved.

Women like that don't deserve anything.

Of course she knew. Politicians lives are secret.

[Anonymous]

Are not secret.

[Anonymous]

I think that when she is a toddler/preschooler and if she asks why she doesn't have a daddy, you could just say that families come in all sizes, and some families have a mommy and daddy, some have just a mommy, some have two mommies, etc, and that you love your family just the way it is. When she gets older you can decide how much more specific you want to get depending on how much she pressures you for information and also depending on what contact (if any) you are having with the father at that point.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks to those who have given advice without judgment. I know what I did was wrong and I can't undo it but I can try to make the best decisions for my child from here on out. I was 19 when I fell in love with him and had never been in a relationship before and blah blah blah. You know the rest. I was on bcp btw to the person who said pregnancy is 100% avoidable.

Has anyone else been through this? Or know anyone who has? I think the therapy idea is a good one and I will look into that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A "politician". Do you live in a pineapple under the sea???

I didn't know either. Thought he might be Polish.

[Anonymous]

Omg I thought this whole time he was polish too!

[Anonymous]

How about some version of the truth?
"Daddy was my boyfriend but we stopped getting along and has chosen not to be in our lives." I am sorry he isn't around. When she asks about meeting him, call and try to see if he has changed his mind....guilt can soften choices over time. Don't use her to keep him in your life whatever you do. You may have made some bad choices but its never to late to take the high road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks to those who have given advice without judgment. I know what I did was wrong and I can't undo it but I can try to make the best decisions for my child from here on out. I was 19 when I fell in love with him and had never been in a relationship before and blah blah blah. You know the rest. I was on bcp btw to the person who said pregnancy is 100% avoidable.

Has anyone else been through this? Or know anyone who has? I think the therapy idea is a good one and I will look into that.

Well, you must have realized that he was married with kids even if you didn't intend to get pregnant.

One thing is for sure, don't let her repeat history. A friend of mine from high school was born to a teen mom; she in turn went on to be pregnant b/f graduation. I knew her since middle school and she always said this would never happen to her. Personally, I think she had low self esteem.

You could also consider joining a singles parenting group.

[Anonymous]

You know, I really couldn't read these answers because I am the product of an affair with a fairly high-powered business man (who was much older) and my assumptions are that this gets nasty (and I am tender about it even at 34). Like you, he had a family that he still has. He's pretty media-worthy so unfortunately, I can google stalk him fairly easily.

So I don't actually know what to tell you. My mom told me in bits and pieces as I was growing up, in an age-appropriate manner, and I was devastated and incredibly angry with her for years and years. It made me feel tainted or damaged in some way. I don't know if it had anything to do with the way that she told me or if it was just the simple facts or both.

Ultimately, I think what hurt the most is that my own father didn't want to have anything to do with me. I couldn't ever .. and still can't.. figure out why he would abandon his own daughter. It gave me deep self-esteem issues and I was a serious over-achiever (and still am) because, in part, I think I was trying to be worthy of noticing. I had a lot of dangerous sex trying to fill that gap in college. He still hasn't noticed me, and I've grown up and have a healthy marriage, but I still have trust issues.

But here is what I can say. Get the damn child support. We grew up poor as dirt and my dad is fairly wealthy and that still grates on me. Try and talk him into being a part of her life... even somewhat a part of her life. Just recognize her and make sure she knows that it is NOT because of her. Have a solid answer for why he's not around that attempts to not make her feel like she's lesser than his other family, on whom he DOES spend energy. And for Pete's sake, just really get her some solid male role models who really are solid men who make her feel valued for who she is. And choose her over yourself.

In good news, I call my mom every day. I think the world of her, but I see her flaws clearly. Yes, I am still angry, but I have forgiven her (but not my father). And I am so, so proud of how hard she worked to raise me with love, attention, and a giving spirit. So don't think she'll hate you just because of that. But know she will struggle.

[Anonymous]

20:46 - have you ever had any contact with him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks to those who have given advice without judgment. I know what I did was wrong and I can't undo it but I can try to make the best decisions for my child from here on out. I was 19 when I fell in love with him and had never been in a relationship before and blah blah blah. You know the rest. I was on bcp btw to the person who said pregnancy is 100% avoidable.

Has anyone else been through this? Or know anyone who has? I think the therapy idea is a good one and I will look into that.

Good luck OP. I'm the PP that yelled at folks for being judgemental and told them to step aside. Don't have any advice but don't feel bad about the asswipes on here. Try to make your own way.

[Anonymous]

Wow, so 3 years. That is the distance between a victim and a whore.

Just commenting on the juxtaposition between this thread and the thread about the 16 year old / store manager issue from 25 years ago.

OP - I previously commented with no judgement and just support. I think its incredible that you have so many posters suggesting you are not worthy of advice, love, etc.

Peace to you and your child.

[Anonymous]

This is the other half of pro-choice, folks. The woman made her choice and expected the man to accept it. Well the man has also made his choice and fairness says the woman needs to accept it.

The sad part is it can't work in reverse. Men usually can't keep babies they want that the mothers don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the other half of pro-choice, folks. The woman made her choice and expected the man to accept it. Well the man has also made his choice and fairness says the woman needs to accept it.

The sad part is it can't work in reverse. Men usually can't keep babies they want that the mothers don't.

Boo hoo. Poor men! Moving along...