What to tell child who is product of an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know, I really couldn't read these answers because I am the product of an affair with a fairly high-powered business man (who was much older) and my assumptions are that this gets nasty (and I am tender about it even at 34). Like you, he had a family that he still has. He's pretty media-worthy so unfortunately, I can google stalk him fairly easily.

So I don't actually know what to tell you. My mom told me in bits and pieces as I was growing up, in an age-appropriate manner, and I was devastated and incredibly angry with her for years and years. It made me feel tainted or damaged in some way. I don't know if it had anything to do with the way that she told me or if it was just the simple facts or both.

Ultimately, I think what hurt the most is that my own father didn't want to have anything to do with me. I couldn't ever .. and still can't.. figure out why he would abandon his own daughter. It gave me deep self-esteem issues and I was a serious over-achiever (and still am) because, in part, I think I was trying to be worthy of noticing. I had a lot of dangerous sex trying to fill that gap in college. He still hasn't noticed me, and I've grown up and have a healthy marriage, but I still have trust issues.

But here is what I can say. Get the damn child support. We grew up poor as dirt and my dad is fairly wealthy and that still grates on me. Try and talk him into being a part of her life... even somewhat a part of her life. Just recognize her and make sure she knows that it is NOT because of her. Have a solid answer for why he's not around that attempts to not make her feel like she's lesser than his other family, on whom he DOES spend energy. And for Pete's sake, just really get her some solid male role models who really are solid men who make her feel valued for who she is. And choose her over yourself.

In good news, I call my mom every day. I think the world of her, but I see her flaws clearly. Yes, I am still angry, but I have forgiven her (but not my father). And I am so, so proud of how hard she worked to raise me with love, attention, and a giving spirit. So don't think she'll hate you just because of that. But know she will struggle.

EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT ADVICE!

[Anonymous]

20:01, you need massive doses of anti-psychotic drugs while you are locked up in a padded cell and the key has been thrown away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:20:01, you need massive doses of anti-psychotic drugs while you are locked up in a padded cell and the key has been thrown away.

Is that your Christian love speaking?

[Anonymous]

this thread keeps getting shorter and shorter... why???

[Anonymous]

What about the teenagers the dad already has? I think they deserve to know they have another sibling. And I think OP deserves to have that built-in pool of babysitters in the future so when she wants to go out on more, um, dates, she can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Larlo Kayden," you are the product of my affair with a married man. I chose to have you, knowing that he was a father in name only. He does not want any comtact with you but I am telling you because I want you to spend the rest of your life knowing that you were not wanted by your father. I also want to further burden you with the knowledge that your mother is a slut and a selfish one, as well."

OP, do you begin to see what your bad, bad cboices have and will do? Stop acting as you are a madonna, you are not. You made a stupid choice to sleep with a married man, then chose to get pregnant and have child. All choices have consequences. In the future weigh yours and find a responsible adult to guide you.

Stop and back off! This mother is trying to do the best she can with the situation she is facing. What's done is done. All anyone can do in tough situations is move forward and try to make the best of it. Clearly, OP is trying to figure out the best way to talk to her DC and I commend her for that. Why do people have to be so callous and bitchy. She already admitted her mistake. Treat her as you would want to be treated. What if this were your daughter (the op)? Would you want people treating her the way you have? I certainly wouldn't.

[Anonymous]

1. I did not date married men.

2. Have also discussed the pitfalls of having any kind of social relationships with married men. I made my point with, "How would you like it if your father were to have an extra marital affair"?

If my daughter were to have such an affair, I hope she would have the good sense to abort and not ruin her life and the lifeof her child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. I did not date married men.

2. Have also discussed the pitfalls of having any kind of social relationships with married men. I made my point with, "How would you like it if your father were to have an extra marital affair"?

If my daughter were to have such an affair, I hope she would have the good sense to abort and not ruin her life and the lifeof her child.

You'd advise your child to kill your grandbaby? You sound like a delightful person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. I did not date married men.

2. Have also discussed the pitfalls of having any kind of social relationships with married men. I made my point with, "How would you like it if your father were to have an extra marital affair"?

If my daughter were to have such an affair, I hope she would have the good sense to abort and not ruin her life and the lifeof her child.

And, yet, it isn't about you. And it's a bit late for the abortion talk, unless you think OP should just leave her baby on a hillside right now, to suitably atone for her transgressions.

I hardly think OP's life or her baby's life are "ruined". It is far -- very far -- from an ideal situation. OP knows that.

I'd be honest at the appropriate stages. It will be tough. Plan for counseling for both of you.

[Anonymous]

Sit your child right down and make him/her your confidant. Contiune the cycle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sit your child right down and make him/her your confidant. Contiune the cycle.

wow, did you even read the thread?

[Anonymous]

Op, are you getting child support or any compensation? I think that will help your dd in the long run. That in itself is accountability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read this whole thread and so many of the PPs are very harsh! The OP is simply asking what to tell her child about her dad as she ages. I would tell her she was conceived in love and never waver from that foundation. Also, I agree with the PPs who recommend a good therapist. best of luck to you and your daughter.

How is it "conceived in love" when the father isn't involved? The child will realize that "love" doesn't seem to fit the "story."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, are you getting child support or any compensation? I think that will help your dd in the long run. That in itself is accountability.

Yes, and I am not sure how I am going to explain it when she is older. "Your father sends a big check each year but I can't tell you who he is and you can't meet him," isn't going to fly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. I did not date married men.

2. Have also discussed the pitfalls of having any kind of social relationships with married men. I made my point with, "How would you like it if your father were to have an extra marital affair"?

If my daughter were to have such an affair, I hope she would have the good sense to abort and not ruin her life and the lifeof her child.

You are a bitter bitter woman. There is no doubt your sign infant other has found comfort in the arms of someone else.