Wives of physicians--dealing with loneliness
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Anonymous
| Am I the only one thinking that we receive exactly what we project? It seems that you, the op, are longing for the deep rather than superficial connection that includes genuine caring and closeness. So I advise you to focus on giving it. You will not find it when going through the motions of activities or charities or clubs. However, all humans surrounding you crave the same thing and you don't have to go to extreme lengths to find them. Instead of waiting for someone to connect with you, connect with the next person you have a conversation with, instead of waiting for them to ask about your life, ask them questions, find out what their concerns are, ask them a lot of questions but be genuinely interested. It cannot go one way. No matter how busy people are, we all want deep interactions, even the introverts. In fact, introverts make the best friends because they are not seeking constant stimulation and usually can focus on developing a deeper friendship. |
Anonymous
| I am 10:29, forgot to add. It is almost impossible to expect to receive all this caring from one person especially your dr dh. He spends 80 hours a week intensely caring for other people so when he gets home to you, my guess is he needs time to decompress and to be either alone or on the receiving end of caring. Just keep it in mind. |
Anonymous
| OP, I know this is a really old thread, but I'm not on here often and didn't see it before. Here's what I've found: many/ most (?) people in DC that are working in high-income jobs are from different areas of the country, and don't have family here. Your work circumstances (where everyone is from the area) seems unusual to me. You said you are from CA? There are SO many people from CA here; from the West; from the Northeast; from the Midwest. Do you know any lawyers? Everyone I know is a lawyer, and no one is from here. If you can break into that kind of social circle, you really can develop a built-in family where everyone is on their own. People work long hours but they also love happy hours and cocktail lounges. Spend more time in DC and less in NoVa. Plan a few evenings a week going to a different happy hour. You'll be surprised how many single women in their mid-30s not from DC you'll meet. And how many women love going out here! I envy your free time, and wish I could still spend my evenings at happy hours, restaurants, and embassy events! There are SO many fun things to do. |
Anonymous
Hi, OP here. Thanks for your thoughts. The funny thing is out of the few acquaintances I've made in this area, and out of everyone at my office, I am the only one who didn't grow up here or have a spouse who grew up here. Those who didn't grow up here grew up close to here (like Philly) or went to school here, so pretty much everyone I have met since moving here has close friends and family in the area. I don't know anyone who moved here knowing no one, like DH and I did. This makes it harder I think to meet people and make friends, because everyone already has their circle of friends and is not looking for more. I don't know how to get into a social circle. How exactly do you do that when you know no one and there is no one to introduce you to people? I mean, I have been in a book club for 2 years, attend events at church, attend meetup groups, and have made a couple of acquaintances through these events, but no good friends or anyone to have a deep, meaningful connection with, and certainly no semblance of a social circle and no idea really how to find one. Besides meetup groups, where do I find these "happy hours"? The other thing is, happy hours and meeting single gals who want to go out clubbing is not really my thing. After work, I'm more into domestic hobbies like gardening, crafts, cooking, etc. and the idea of going out to bars/clubs doesn't sound that appealing. I'd rather find some gals to meet for lunch on the weekends, take a class together, etc. or other married couples without kids to be friends with. |
Anonymous
Hi OP - yes, looking back at my post, it makes it sound like you have to hop from club to club to meet people. Absolutely not, though! Have you heard of groups like the Young Smithsonian Benefactors? Check them out and see if that group leads you to similar ones. It's a group of "young professionals" who like to go out and meet new people through cultural events. They hold volunteer events, charity events, and occasional parties everywhere from the National Building Museum to various embassies around town. I don't know if this particular group will appeal to you, but I think there are other similar groups around, too. It really stinks that you still haven't run into anyone from outside of the DC area. I, like you, moved here knowing no one, and made most of my friends back in my young and single days at a law firm. Most people I met were in similar circumstances. I wonder if you've asked/ can ask anyone at work about these issues? |
Anonymous
Hi, OP here. Thanks for the clarification--I will check out the Young Smithsonian Benefactors--sounds like an interesting group and one that would be very appealing! The only thing is we live outside the beltway, and if I'm meeting people who all live in DC or closer to the city--that could be difficult in terms of making friends. It's hard enough to make friends as it is, let alone if the distance is a barrier and someone I'm clicking with doesn't want a friend who lives so far away. But it's worth looking into. I don't really want to share these issues with anyone at work. I've hinted that we moved here knowing no one, and that we don't have anyone to spend holidays with, but that's all I've shared--nothing about being lonely. I've never even told anyone DH's occupation--I don't like to share that DH is a doctor with people I don't know very well. While I'm friendly with people at work, no one at work has suggested getting together or ever invited me to do anything. When we first moved here, a few of DH's colleagues invited us over when he first started his job, but it was just a few invites here and there and those have long since stopped. My colleagues never showed any interest in getting to know me, unfortunately. Though I have showed plenty of interest in them. I always ask people how their weekends were, or what they're up to, and no one asks me. It makes me feel very sad. |
Anonymous
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I have a doctor dh that works 80+ hours as well. It's been mostly like that for the past 10 years. Although in residency it was more like 100 hours/week. It can be very lonely. We moved far away for his 6 years of residency and 2 years of fellowship and the best job (hours and benefits) he got is here which is not near my family.
It's good you have your hobbies, you need them. And it's nice that you at least have some interaction with coworkers. I was a SAHM for most of our years and caring for 2 little ones plus having a dh in residency royally sucked. It's difficult for many to understand as some think being a doctor's wife is something glamorous.. it's not. You have to be able to burden the majority of household responsibility always, be able to cope with multiple moves far from family, and understand that you will be alone most of the time even if your dh is physically home. This is always the worst for me. I can deal with being alone when there is no one here but feeling alone even when dh is here is hard to handle. If your kid is sick he can't leave his patients to pick them up from school and even though I work now, I have to be the one that is flexible and ready to quit my job if need be. They are exhausted from their jobs not because they are physically strenuous but because it can be emotionally draining to care for so many patients and the stacks of paperwork. (Now if you marry a doc after he's already done with med school, residency, etc and he is already well established this might be a different story. Don't know, haven't experienced that. All the other doc wives I know have been with their Dh's since med school or residency.) Since you like gardening maybe join a gardening club. There are several in NoVa. Do you have any neighbors you can chat with? You said you and your dh received some invites from his colleagues when you first moved here, did you reciprocate? Invite some people over for dinner. Either his colleagues or yours. Or a neighbor. I'm not a very outgoing person so it was always hard for me to do all lot of entertaining, but really it's the best way to make and keep friends. Your going to have to put yourself out there and be vulnerable. It really is like switching high schools and trying to make new friends. You'll click with some and won't with others but just keep trying until you have at least 1 good friend. GL. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
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OP, it's hard but you have to put yourself out there. Introduce yourself. Make a point to talk, Invite people over. Invite people to join you for lunch. I'm an extrovert so it's not that difficult for me but even I find that it can be hard sometime.
You get what you put out there. So, put yourself out there. I'm not from this area and my first job was with people MUCH older than me and not really interested in socializing. I had to put myself out there. I tried different groups and things. I talked to people at every opportunity. It works. And for the bad rep DC (I'm NoVA) has for an area with a bunch of aholes, I can say that there are a lot of those types but a lot of really great people as well. GL. |
Anonymous
| OP: it sounds like your husband is a sole practitioner. |
Anonymous
| I am always surprised when someone tells me he/she grew up around here because it is so uncommon. My husband works really long hours and travels a lot. Before we had children, I worked a lot, exercised, took some classes, met friends for dinner/drinks, had a dog, etc. I wasn't bored or lonely. I look back fondly on that time. I would try to schedule something to do every evening for 1 month, even if some nights that just means grocery shopping or exercising. Try to meet up with friends/co-workers/new people at 3 times a week. People are friendly here. Just busy. |
Anonymous
Hi, OP here. Thanks for your thoughts. I would love to do this last part but the problem is I don't really have anyone to go out with. I've made 3 acquaintances here since moving here, and they are all so busy that they are only available once every 3 months or so, or less than that. I would love to have more people to do things with, but the problem is finding people who want to go out since everyone is too busy and no one has time for me. |
Anonymous
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dear OP,
new poster here - i'm a female physician, so no personal experience, but have you considered volunteering at your husband's hospital? it might be a nice way to feel connected to his work - and maybe you two can grab lunch once in a while? also, just keep calling people, just call over and over and over again. its what i've learned to do to make friends. my mom always told me its okay to be rejected 10 times, b/c on the 11th time, the person will say yes and boom, you have a friend, also, when you have kids, it'll be easier - suddenly, you'll have social circle of moms, which can be a great thing! good luck to you! |
Anonymous
| Hi everyone - I am not a physician's wife, but I am recently trained by Duke Integrative Medicine to help coach individuals through challenging situations in life. I'm just starting up my practice, and in all sincerity, would love to take on one client (nearly free of charge) to work with and learn from. It would help me a great deal. If you know of someone dealing with being a physician's wife who needs some support, or have a situation you need some help with, please email me. Perhaps we could work together. Thanks, healthandwellnesscoach11@gmail.com, Bridgett |
Anonymous
| Can you get a puppy? |