Wives of physicians--dealing with loneliness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you need to have a serious talk with your husband about your feelings. If he cannot or will not change his hours then you'll have to decide if you want to stay in such a lonely marriage.

While having more friends may help your loneliness temporarily, as your friends start to marry and have families, the more responsibilities they will have with little to no time for friends at least in the younger years. They aren't going to be able to fill your emotional needs.

My husband's hours will never change. I need to focus on what I can do to work on the loneliness. I just wish I had a big, loving family who lived in the area. I really envy people who do. I have a cousin who lives in the hometown where she grew up, with her parents there, siblings, and extended family, as well as tons of friends, and they're always having family dinners and get togethers, and I wish I had that. It just seems so warm and loving and that you could never be lonely with so much loving family around and so many events to go to. But that will never happen for me. I need to find a "surrogate family" in the form of good friends, people who we can have plans with every weekend, people who we can spend holidays with and travel with, but that is just very difficult in this situation. I have just never felt as alone as I have in the past few years since we moved here. It's an awful feeling, and I wish I didn't feel this way, but I think that the only thing that would help is a vibrant social life.

[Anonymous]

Wow, OP. Reading your posts here makes me feel so sad. I have to ask-- is this life really worth it to you?

[Anonymous]

I am also a physician's wife whose hours will never change. My family is 200 miles away, and they are all close in proximity to each other. Sisters at each other's houses, going to dinner as a group, my parents watching their kids all the time, etc. It's hard to be away, hard to hear the fun and so hard to hear "We missed you!" = they mean it with love (they do wish I was there) but all it does is re-emphasize the fact that I wasn't there. So here's what I had to do:
- I don't call their houses when I know they are all there together. It makes me too sad; I call at a time when I can just have a chat with one or the other and not have to hear them all together.
- I have found a good friend who has kids my age and whose husband also works a lot of hours. We do dinners together with the kids at least one or two nights a week. We take the kids off on adventures and just support each other. Just one friend is all you need.
- Where did I find this friend? DCUM! When my first child was 6 weeks old, I was home, not working, knew no one with kids in DC. I posted on DCUM to start a playgroup and it snowballed from one reply into a nice, warm, caring mommy group. We've kind of all gone our separate ways since the kids are now older and life has a way of moving on, but I've kept in touch with some and have established a deep bond with one.
- I have stopped wishing things would change with my husband and his schedule. He LOVES what he does. He LOVES where he works. We are not going to move back "home". It took awhile, but I have accepted it, and formed my own life here. You need to try and do that.

One the nigths that he is late and the kids are alreayd asleep, I think of it as a gift of "me time". I do yoga. I watch TV that I know he wouldn't want to watch. I read books. Give yourself a break, give yourself a gift of time and good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP, thanks for the update. I think part of your lonliness is bc your husband works so much and when he's home he really isn't present. Is this really how you want to live? It sounds like no. It sounds like your husband just isn't interested in being married and is hiding in his work. On some level you probably know this. Second, you seem to have a very shallow pool of people you will be friends with. You want childless married women, who are also wives of doctors, who are on call to hang out whenever you want. You also want these women to have no other friends or family in the area. That is a very tall order. Why do you have such a strict criteria? I am married with achild. I do have friends and family in the area. I'd be willing to hang out with you. I have to wonder if you are conveying an attitude that people pick up on, the "You don't meet my predetermined criteria" feeling. Nobody will want to be around you if this is the case.

[Anonymous]

I am also lonely drs wife with children n feel emotionally drained doing the house/kids thing alone most of the time ! You've got to talk to your hubby as otherwise resentment builds and talk about how you imagine life will be with children coz let me tell you no matter how much your husband may earn , it's pretty hard going it alone with family and trying to remain upbeat

[Anonymous]

Try being a military wife.

[Anonymous]

OP, as a female doctor, I would like you to think about this:
The profession assumed that the wife would be home taking care of everything. There is no way that with this level of commitment or responsibility that things can work without a "free" spouse. That would be you in this case. What a lot of people don't realize is that for this craziness to "work", it requires a lot from so many family members. The kids pay, my kids pay. They don't see me. In the business world, they cal it the opportunity cost where one spouse has to give in.
I wish that I could have more helpful information. It will not change, having kids would help tremendously, to get you out socializing and so on.
Don't have an affair, he will leave you. I have never seen that work. Every time one of my colleagues' wives cheats====> divorce.

[Anonymous]

I'd have an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try being a military wife.

Military family here. There is one enormous difference. Military spouses have a wonderful built in support network..all the way from inside and the civilian community.

All my friends husbands are gone. We support each other. The world OP lives in is much harder than mine.

[Anonymous]

Stop whining, you never have money problems and you chose this life and the same goes for wives of big law. Get a divoce or , here's a novel idea, help a family who needs help with money, babysitting, etc. Stop moaning and groaning about inconsequetial, useless lives.

[Anonymous]

There are five doctors in my family. None of them work eighty hour weeks.

He needs to cut back, and you need to make friends with single/divorced/widowed women.

[Anonymous]

I feel badly for you, OP, for it is obvious had much you are hurting but I can't help but wonder what else is going on? I mean to be as gentle as I can but perhaps your extreme neediness to make friends is scaring potential ones off? Desperation, even when it is valid, is very easy to sense. Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:move back to the city. logan circle, adams morgan, penn quarter. you'll have more to do. also, perhaps get a pet. taking a dog to the dog park is social and the dog can keep you company.

Well we just bought a house so I don't think that can happen. Plus, we prefer the burbs, actually. We already have two pets.

I respect your choice, but I lived in the burbs once and we hightailed it back to DC pronto. We both felt lonely there, everyone was so busy with their kids etc that living in the city, even when alone, provided some comfort. If you have the money you can spend some time renovating a lovely townhouse in DuPont or Logan etc, then plan nice parties. Seriously. Old town could be nice too.

[Anonymous]

Hi, OP here. I was quite surprised to see this thread from so long ago.

Anyhow, in case anyone is wondering, things have actually gotten quite a bit better since I first posted this thread.

First, an update on the social: nothing really has changed with that. I joined a few new social groups since posting this thread and made one new acquaintance, but she's very busy and I only get to see her once every 3 months or so, so it's been hard for our friendship to really develop. Overall, I've stopped making an effort to try to make new friends by joining social groups, etc.

What I have realized is that the reason it's been so difficult for me to make friends is that nearly everyone I meet out here in the 'burbs grew up in this area, or went to school here, and they already have lots of family and established friends in the area. That's certainly the case in my office--I am the only person there who is not from this area, everyone else grew up here and has lots friends and family here. So most people I meet, whether through social groups or at work, aren't looking to make new friends at this point in their lives, because they're already "crazy busy" with the friends and family they do have in the area. No one has time for me, and I am okay with that.

I think I have made peace with this, and no longer constantly ruminate about feeling so lonely and alone all the time, because intellectually, I understand that most people don't move to a brand new area knowing no one like we did. Most people move to where their families are, or at least to an area where they have a few friends, but we made the choice to move to an area where we knew no one. Everyone else already has all the friends they need, and aren't looking to make new friends at this age. The few friends I have made in this area have such packed schedules with their friends and family that I only end up seeing them a few times a year, which is not ideal. But I have been able to make peace with this and try to stay busy with my own activities.

Plus, DH and I are in an unusual social niche: we aren't single, and aren't parents, so it's especially hard to make friends when you're a married couple without kids living in the burbs, and moved here knowing no one.

Holidays are still hard for me, since we are always alone for them.

In terms of work, I really enjoy my job but have not been able to make any friends there because everyone there already has plenty of friends and family and no one is looking to make any more. I am very friendly with people at work, but we don't do anything together outside of work. I wish things were different with that, but it's certainly understandable that most people after their 20's just aren't looking to make brand new friends.

So I have been trying to enjoy my solitude more by engaging in fun activities after work and on weekends, and trying to keep busy when DH is working his 80 hour weeks. I am still lonely most of the time, but the loneliness is not as painful most of the time as it used to be. I do wish I had some support here, and it depresses me that we still have no semblance of a social circle or any support even though we've lived here a few years already, and I still struggle with this.

But overall, things are better!

[Anonymous]

DCPWC - DC Physicians Wifes Club