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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Yes we brought back our dead bedroom.  It was a combination of factors — some me, some her.  I would say it took about 3 full years.   It didn’t happen overnight.  It was a lot of consistent things.

First, we worked with a coach who seriously heard both sides of the story and really worked hard to find common ground.  He wasn’t afraid of calling either of us out if it was warranted.   He was honest and candid.  I say this because in prior relationships I had seen therapists and other helpers and was always very unimpressed.    This time it was different.   The right person really can help.

I thought I was communicating about my sexual needs / wants in a healthy way, but it was really just putting more pressure on the situation.  We eventually came to a point where I communicated about it less — after making it very clear where I stood, once.   And when I stopped bringing it up all the time, she felt less pressure and more natural desire.

Our coach talked with my wife about male sexual desire — it surprised me because she certainly wasn’t a virgin when we met, but my wife was seriously clueless about just how strong the male sex drive can be.  After she understood this better, she was more open to compromises that “helped me out” even if it didn’t involve full intercourse.

Wife started using a lubricant that was more natural feeling.

I went on cialis which made a HUGE difference in the strength of my erections.  I was previously very resistant to this because I could still get hard and thought it was her issue.  I now see a major difference.   She notices too and compliments me on it!

I stopped watching porn.  Yes, I will say that this was contributing to the dead bedroom — an unhealthy attachment to a fake form of intimacy.  It is actually amazing how much more I desire my wife and look at her differently once I got rid of this poison.   It’s like eating junk food every day as opposed to fresh fruits and vegetables.

I started doing a lot of other stuff for my wife with a different attitude.  Before I used to resent her and that came across even when I did household chores.  We reset and I have let go of resentment and do things out of love and service now, and she can tell the difference.   You can take out the garbage with an angry heart or a loving heart and yes your partner picks up on the difference.   The more
I have served and loved her the more she has desired me.

We have tried some new positions, spicing things up in the typical ways.   This has helped.

She has increased verbal compliments during some of the dryer spells — she tells me I am handsome, hot, etc., sends flirty text messages.  All of these things helped.

We separated having an orgasm which has become more difficult with menopause, etc. from having a pleasureable sexual experience.

I lost 15 pounds.

Bottom line - there are ups and downs in marriage.  A lot of people are too quick to throw in the towel.  We live in this culture that is dominated by “personal growth” and all that jazz yet many people are very reluctant to *really* change.   Both people need to take an honest inventory of how you got there.  There are usually things that need to change for both of you.  My wife and I made real, concrete changes.   Again, this didn’t happen overnight, and there were definitely bumps in the road — I am eternally grateful that our coach helped smooth those things out.  But we were committed to each other even in the valley, we worked on it, and are in a much better place overall now.

It is possible.

[/quote]

Hi!  Can you tell us more about what the coach said to your wife?  I’m kind of interested![/quote]

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