Freshman is really unhappy, how typical is this?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP and thank you for all your replies. I did write 2025 in error.

I really appreciate the variety of opinions and I need to read through them again when I have a minute at work.

She did just apply for an on-campus job as another avenue for connecting with other students. I'm proud of her for trying. I think she finds out about this next week and I really hope it works out. There were 6 positions and she applied to be one of the 6. Surely, they will take her? It's just been such a string of rejection after rejection and every opportunity (each club, fraternity, sorority, job) has required multiple interviews, often essays, etc. Another club app is due tonight and it's 6 essays for an outside chance of being chosen by the current students. It gets exhausting.

I'll probably write to the Office of student affairs if she does leave. I'll do this very kindly but I'd like to share her story.

This sounds like a really miserable environment for a lot of students.

NP.

Thought the same and I have to wonder if this is JHU being discussed?

The single rooms, highly rejective club culture, and spring rush brought Yale to mind.

OP said "Top 30." If it were Hopkins of Yale, I'm assuming the description would have been "Top 10."

Could be top 10 or top 30. She stated that she was vague on purpose. Nevertheless, I felt it to be on the upper range.

[Anonymous]

My kid was pretty unhappy for the first half of first semester, then it improved. Since it's persisted and your kid has tried things, tranferring sounds reasonable.

I will say that that shifting friendships are normal as kids move on from dorm friends to friends in activities and find more permanent social groups. so that part is normal for all schools.

would not hurt to apply and then have choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP and thank you for all your replies. I did write 2025 in error.

I really appreciate the variety of opinions and I need to read through them again when I have a minute at work.

She did just apply for an on-campus job as another avenue for connecting with other students. I'm proud of her for trying. I think she finds out about this next week and I really hope it works out. There were 6 positions and she applied to be one of the 6. Surely, they will take her? It's just been such a string of rejection after rejection and every opportunity (each club, fraternity, sorority, job) has required multiple interviews, often essays, etc. Another club app is due tonight and it's 6 essays for an outside chance of being chosen by the current students. It gets exhausting.

I'll probably write to the Office of student affairs if she does leave. I'll do this very kindly but I'd like to share her story.

This sounds like a really miserable environment for a lot of students.

NP.

Thought the same and I have to wonder if this is JHU being discussed?

The single rooms, highly rejective club culture, and spring rush brought Yale to mind.

yale doesn't have many singles, frats more popular than sororities (and neither very popular), and there are tons of no-cut clubs.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t be happy either - rejection after rejection. What’s wrong with this school??? They can’t have any clubs that don’t have interviews for joining or open enrollment clubs. What a lame school. Zero inclusion. Get her out of there. She has definitely tried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t be happy either - rejection after rejection. What’s wrong with this school??? They can’t have any clubs that don’t have interviews for joining or open enrollment clubs. What a lame school. Zero inclusion. Get her out of there. She has definitely tried.

+1 I feel bad for your daughter, OP. It sounds like she’s really put herself out there and it cannot be easy for anyone to face that level of constant rejection and to be lonely. The school doesn’t deserve her.

[Anonymous]

Winter is also very bleak and compounds the misery. Good luck to your daughter. Encourage her to apply out and then decide what to do in April or May.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is more for parents of seniors who are reading this, but dorm selection can make such a huge difference and kids don’t usually have a lot of control over it. Freshman at my daughter’s school are placed all over to campuses. The most coveted dorms have students from more than one grade. They are closer to the fraternities and have bigger rooms. My daughter ended up in an older dorm that is only freshman. Her wing is not coed and I’m not sure if any of the building has coed wings. While she would love a larger room, she has friends all across campus and she is, without a doubt, in the most social dorm. I think there is something to be said for putting freshman with only other freshman. They all come into school looking to meet new people and she has made so many good friendships just from being in her dorm. During welcome week, the girls did leave their doors open and met a lot of people. Plus, they have a cafeteria in their building, so they’re constantly running into people they know. I remember hearing this advice from parents last year when we were all a little disgruntled about the building where our kids replaced. However, I would 100% advise your kid to be in a building with just freshman. It really helps build friendships.

How is this helpful when 95% of colleges don't let you pick your dorm?

That is not accurate. Many of my kids friends got to pick their dorm. They may not have had choices over all of them, but most of them did have a choice.

Dp, but agree that most schools, particularly the most selective schools, don’t give freshman a choice.

The original post was directed at parents whose kids haven't graduated. This has nothing to do with just most selective schools (or random deisgnation of top 30). I've seen it across a lot of different ranking levels.

Regardless, it's valuable advie to those who have a choice.

I suspect I know where DC's kid attends based upon the competitiveness of clubs, the winter rush and the use of T30 instead of 20 or 25. It sounds like what my kid's friend has been going through, as well.

USC?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, it is pretty typical. Unless, you are going to your state flagship with a bunch of your HS friends and rooming with a friend. New place is difficult. But, I promise that this will get better.

This might be something to consider. Most kids love their state’s flagship school.

She might already be at the flagship.

[Anonymous]

I have noticed that many students from the East coast have a hard time at schools on the west coast, particularly large ones like the UCs. Social standing in high school is not relevant as there’s little to no cohort/network from their high school/area.

I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s USC. The experience can be a rude awakening for non locals, and undergraduates are mostly from California and tons from SoCal.

[Anonymous]

If she wants to put in a few transfer apps, I think it's fine.

At my college (Wes) the transfer all seemed to be friends with each other. I was tangentially friends with a few. They seemed to complain about that dynamic, but I didn't really get why because they seemed to have fun together.

I had trouble making friends frosh year. I kind of made some later, along the way, and senior year was fun. But in retrospect it wasn't the right place for me and I may as well have put in a few transfer apps. I decided not to mainly because it was a great fit academically for me.

[Anonymous]

oh also - did she go through a k thru 12 private? were you a mom who helped social engineer her social life? maybe she doesn't have good friend making skills because she's never had to make friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am wondering if anyone can relate to this and maybe give some advice.

My daughter is at a top 30 university (I'm being very vague for privacy). In her high school she was a very happy kid. She had a big coed group of friends, a casual boyfriend, and three very close, lifelong-type girlfriends. She did very well in school with strong grades and interests. She was always a easy, stable child and we did not worry much about her.

She started college in the fall, and since then it has been very difficult. She often feels like she does not belong and cannot find her people at this school. Her roommate is very quiet and keeps to herself. Her dorm hall has mostly single rooms, and students do not really interact. The RA also did not organize activities. Because of this, she tried to join clubs. She was rejected from 4-6 academic ones, or did not even get interviews. She joined a few non-academic "fun" clubs and made some friends there. Awesome! We felt better because instead of saying “I hate it here,” she started saying, “I don’t feel like I belong, but I have some friends.”

Then this spring she rushed a sorority, but she did not get a house. This was really hard because she was really hoping this would help her build a friend group and on paper she's sorority girl material (mainstream, very social, all that). After this rejection, she interviewed for other organizations—a major-specific club, a co-ed fraternity, and several other clubs—but she was not accepted into any of them, even after long interview processes over the course of January. Some of the friends she made in the fall had more success with sororities, and now she feels like those friendships are fading.There is also no dating culture on campus, which is long down on the list of issues but a bummer none-the-less. Perhaps the one bright spot is academics. She's doing well.

We spoke with her last night, and she is truly miserable. If she was unhappy in the fall, she is much more unhappy now. She wants to transfer schools, and applications are due soon. We support her fully, but at the same time, this is a big decision and we worry that things may not be better somewhere else. She used to be a happy, smart, social, friendly young person, and this year has just been really hard for her. She cannot find her community, she has faced a lot of rejection from anything that is not open to everyone, and she is working very hard academically. College is nothing like what she hoped for, and very different from what I experienced. It feels lonely and difficult. We did connect her with a therapist back in November, and she has been meeting regularly, which has helped her process her feelings.

Is this a normal experience for students in 2025? If she transfers, is it likely she will find something better? I would really appreciate hearing others’ thoughts or experiences. Please be kind.

I understand why you've left out a lot of details about her school. Privacy is important! However, it seems like the school culture is important here. Some schools are known to have more challenging social environments, and changing will absolutely make a difference. What does your gut tell you about the weight of the environment vs your DC's coping skills?

[Anonymous]

Transfer to a no-Greek SLAC. She is social and will do well. They don’t do the exclusivity thing, even for almost all clubs. Not part of the ethos…

Maybe a place like Holy Cross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:oh also - did she go through a k thru 12 private? were you a mom who helped social engineer her social life? maybe she doesn't have good friend making skills because she's never had to make friends

Don’t blame the mom. Also- she appears to have just fine social skills because she keeps trying. The issue is with the school. Not the mom or the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:oh also - did she go through a k thru 12 private? were you a mom who helped social engineer her social life? maybe she doesn't have good friend making skills because she's never had to make friends

That's rude.


Also, OP, RA's don't organize events like back in the 90s. They are basically there to occasionally have hall meetings about policies and let you into your room. They aren't cruise directors like they used to be.