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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am wondering if anyone can relate to this and maybe give some advice.

My daughter is at a top 30 university (I'm being very vague for privacy). In her high school she was a very happy kid. She had a big coed group of friends, a casual boyfriend, and three very close, lifelong-type girlfriends. She did very well in school with strong grades and interests. She was always a easy, stable child and we did not worry much about her.

She started college in the fall, and since then it has been very difficult. She often feels like she does not belong and cannot find her people at this school. Her roommate is very quiet and keeps to herself. Her dorm hall has mostly single rooms, and students do not really interact. The RA also did not organize activities. Because of this, she tried to join clubs. She was rejected from 4-6 academic ones, or did not even get interviews. She joined a few non-academic "fun" clubs and made some friends there. Awesome! We felt better because instead of saying “I hate it here,” she started saying, “I don’t feel like I belong, but I have some friends.”

Then this spring she rushed a sorority, but she did not get a house. This was really hard because she was really hoping this would help her build a friend group and on paper she's sorority girl material (mainstream, very social, all that). After this rejection, she interviewed for other organizations—a major-specific club, a co-ed fraternity, and several other clubs—but she was not accepted into any of them, even after long interview processes over the course of January. Some of the friends she made in the fall had more success with sororities, and now she feels like those friendships are fading.There is also no dating culture on campus, which is long down on the list of issues but a bummer none-the-less. Perhaps the one bright spot is academics. She's doing well.

We spoke with her last night, and she is truly miserable. If she was unhappy in the fall, she is much more unhappy now. She wants to transfer schools, and applications are due soon. We support her fully, but at the same time, this is a big decision and we worry that things may not be better somewhere else. She used to be a happy, smart, social, friendly young person, and this year has just been really hard for her. She cannot find her community, she has faced a lot of rejection from anything that is not open to everyone, and she is working very hard academically. College is nothing like what she hoped for, and very different from what I experienced. It feels lonely and difficult. We did connect her with a therapist back in November, and she has been meeting regularly, which has helped her process her feelings.

Is this a normal experience for students in 2025? If she transfers, is it likely she will find something better? I would really appreciate hearing others’ thoughts or experiences. Please be kind.[/quote]

I'm sorry, OP. I know this is hard. Some points to consider and I am being kind, although possibly blunter than you want to hear.

You had the typical golden girl in high school. Life was great. Everything handed to her; oh, sure she worked for her grades, but still. A first world lifestyle.

This is the first real challenge she's most likely ever had.

It sucks. Friends are important.

The odds that transferring will improve this situation, e.g. going to a new school as a sophomore, are a longshot. Friend groups will be long-established there as well. Even if she goes to a school with some of her high school buddies, they have moved on.

This situation is very, very common. She is far from the first star to face this situation when confronting a new environment.

Rather than focusing on solving her immediate problem, what do you want her lifelong lesson to be? She picked this school for a reason. Presumably, the reason is still there. So it's hard. Life's hard, at least in the adult world. This is her first taste of that.

Her grades are good. That is VERY VERY important. She needs to continue to focus on that for the rest of freshman year. That is something she can effect now.

What is she doing this summer? She needs to have some fun, but also something productive in her life.

If this were my DD, I would not support a transfer at this point. She needs to finish the year strong and commit to next year. If she is still feeling this way about the school a year from now, I would consider the transfer. She will be older, presumably more mature and have really give this school her best shot.

But, I would be shocked if a year from now she still feels the same way. 
[/quote]

this is bad advice imo. lots of kids transfer and sooner is better. that guy Harlan has a lot of videos on this. start the transfer process, and if things improve where she is .. even better. but transferring before junior year is a terrible idea. it's now or never (if it's never, she should do junior year abroad if unhappy)[/quote]

Agree. The OP didn't give enough info for us to judge the dynamic, much less weigh the odds of a successful transfer.  Many kids do transfer and are happier, so reflexively framing it as a non-starter is misguided.[/quote]

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