I want to drop the rope on being mom

[Anonymous]

My kids are young adults. I remember feeling tired here and there. I was a SAHM who did spot projects periodically that would take a few days. But mostly a SAHM. Luckily, I have a husband who was happy to take our kids to the zoo or museum so I could get a break. I also never let my kids do more than one activity at a time. Mostly, they played outside in the neighborhood after school. You cannot do everything well all at once. Something has to give. Whoever told women we can do it all should be taken out back and slapped silly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this an American thing to wash sheets every week? I am almost positive the rest of the world does not do this. I wash mine maybe once a quarter or maybe once a half year. They don't seem filthy to me? I don't smell. I don't get it. I don't sleep naked so maybe that helps.

That is so nasty. I am positive you do smell.

[Anonymous]

Your husband sounds like a dud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - kids are 10 years old and younger. They just don’t care. I have told them to do chores and they do it for a week then quit. They don’t care if they have clean clothes or clean dishes. They don’t care if the house is a mess. I care so I clean and make food.

I don’t actually like much food - I would prefer to never cook another meal for the rest of my life.

10 and younger kids can only consistently do so much. You need to remind them. Honestly, you sound lazy, depressed or both. You and your DH brought them into the world, so you both need to parent them. Try not to be such a perfectionist about things. It’s only a season of life. Have a serious discussion with your spouse about what you need. You need to change the situation without punishing your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can drop the rope to a point. I did that recently - first one day per week now two. The first couple weeks were rough I will not lie. There were a couple games, etc. where the kids didn’t have what they needed or weren’t fed. Now he has it down. I think it also has helped his relationship with the kids a lot in so many ways. I had to just let it go and not swoop in to fix things or do it my way. We have a set schedule now where he is in charge of everything on two set weekdays every week. You got it OP.

It is never acceptable to not feed your children to prove a point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My takeaway from this thread so far based on some of the responses is that I need to wash our sheets more often than I do.

I've always washed sheets and towels once a week. Is that not normal?

That's normal! Please don't listen to anyone who suggests different timing. Yuck.

(my ILs are from abroad and a place where housekeepers are common and laundry is relatively difficult, and they definitely adhere to the 1x/quarter cycle of washing bedding and I'm certain they don't change linens between guests. Perhaps my MIL is posting)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - I work full time. I feel like a glorified maid, driver and chef for my kids. I just want them to figure it out themselves.

You want under-10 year olds to drive themselves to practice? Sounds like you have a crappy chore balance with your husband, but try to operate in the land of reality here.

Yeah, bananas. My kids (private) school does so many extracurriculars that are part of the after care program that we do not schlep them to activities. We live close to school and when they’re old enough they can easily walk/bike themselves to school.

If driving kids is maddening to you (as it would be to me), winnow down the activities or find ones at school that don’t require extra driving.

You cannot drop the rope but you can cut down the weight of what you’re doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My takeaway from this thread so far based on some of the responses is that I need to wash our sheets more often than I do.

I've always washed sheets and towels once a week. Is that not normal?

My SAHM did this growing up. I don’t do it though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can drop the rope to a point. I did that recently - first one day per week now two. The first couple weeks were rough I will not lie. There were a couple games, etc. where the kids didn’t have what they needed or weren’t fed. Now he has it down. I think it also has helped his relationship with the kids a lot in so many ways. I had to just let it go and not swoop in to fix things or do it my way. We have a set schedule now where he is in charge of everything on two set weekdays every week. You got it OP.

It is never acceptable to not feed your children to prove a point.

Agree but you can drop the rope to an extreme degree and still feed them. Do one night take out, one night rice and beans, one night pasta with sauce, one night grilled cheese with carrot sticks. Serve fruit with each.

OP, we hired someone who was retired that worked 2-7 and would unload dishwasher, put in laundry, get kids from school. Take them to after school activities and wipe down kitchen counters. We paid her a lot but it was worth it. You definitely need something like that. We lost her during the pandemic when she decided to just retire. Our replacement has been to rely heavily on car pooling. If your kids are that young they should only be activities with other kids from school so you can arrange car pools. So you’re only driving 1-2 nights a week. And husband can get home to do it once a week and work from the car while kids are at practice. My husband is a big law partner and is sort of famous on our kids sports teams for working during practices, during half time, etc.

You probably can’t just walk away (although I used to fantasize about that sometimes and was writing a home girl type novel in my head, but more gone mom) …. But you can probably scale down a lot of what you are doing and no one will really care.

And you can make the kids do more — clean their plates, unload disahwasher, wipe kitchen counters, swiffer or vacuum. You’ll need to nah a little or pay them but they can do that stuff.

I did let my kids keep their rooms pretty messy—that has been part of dropping the rope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - kids are 10 years old and younger. They just don’t care. I have told them to do chores and they do it for a week then quit. They don’t care if they have clean clothes or clean dishes. They don’t care if the house is a mess. I care so I clean and make food.

I don’t actually like much food - I would prefer to never cook another meal for the rest of my life.

You need to make them care. Any time they don't put their dirty laundry where it goes, you put it in a bag and they lose it. Eventually they'll have no clothes left. Then they'll care. Get a stool so they can reach the washer and dryer (for kids 6/7 and older) and teach them to move things from washer to dryer, dryer to laundry basket to be folded. Teach the ones 3 and up to match socks and ball them, fold washcloths and hand towels and pillowcases and pants. You do shirts, sheets, big towels.

Stop letting them do what they want when the house is a mess. They can't leave the kitchen after a meal until they bring their dirty dishes and silverware to the counter next to the sink. The 10 yr old should be emptying the dishwasher. Next oldest can wipe the dinner table after each meal. If you want them to do something, they must do it right now, and can't play first. You are angry at yourself, not them. You are not teaching them discipline and doing what you have to before doing what you want to. Start teaching the 10 yr old to cook. They can make scrambled eggs, omelets, Mac & cheese, salads, sandwiches, cut up fruit
and veg for snacks, etc.

Op - I would just like to stop making food all together and let them figure it out. Same with clothes. If they want to wear dirty clothes it’s their choice. They have to wear uniforms so I can’t take all their clothes away.

At this point I can't tell if OP is clinically depressed, a help-rejecting complainer, or just a garden variety troll.

Most likely OP is a troll.

In the 1% chance she isn’t, she needs to a) take a weekend away for herself to calm down, and b) hire a FT nanny-housekeeper who cooks. Given their HHI is likely close to seven figures, she can certainly afford it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can drop the rope to a point. I did that recently - first one day per week now two. The first couple weeks were rough I will not lie. There were a couple games, etc. where the kids didn’t have what they needed or weren’t fed. Now he has it down. I think it also has helped his relationship with the kids a lot in so many ways. I had to just let it go and not swoop in to fix things or do it my way. We have a set schedule now where he is in charge of everything on two set weekdays every week. You got it OP.

It is never acceptable to not feed your children to prove a point.

Agree but you can drop the rope to an extreme degree and still feed them. Do one night take out, one night rice and beans, one night pasta with sauce, one night grilled cheese with carrot sticks. Serve fruit with each.

OP, we hired someone who was retired that worked 2-7 and would unload dishwasher, put in laundry, get kids from school. Take them to after school activities and wipe down kitchen counters. We paid her a lot but it was worth it. You definitely need something like that. We lost her during the pandemic when she decided to just retire. Our replacement has been to rely heavily on car pooling. If your kids are that young they should only be activities with other kids from school so you can arrange car pools. So you’re only driving 1-2 nights a week. And husband can get home to do it once a week and work from the car while kids are at practice. My husband is a big law partner and is sort of famous on our kids sports teams for working during practices, during half time, etc.

You probably can’t just walk away (although I used to fantasize about that sometimes and was writing a home girl type novel in my head, but more gone mom) …. But you can probably scale down a lot of what you are doing and no one will really care.

And you can make the kids do more — clean their plates, unload disahwasher, wipe kitchen counters, swiffer or vacuum. You’ll need to nah a little or pay them but they can do that stuff.

I did let my kids keep their rooms pretty messy—that has been part of dropping the rope.

Your husband is a law partner and you feed them crap and burden everyone else with driving them around? Geez, talk about poor priorities

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom got overwhelmed and depressed and dropped the rope. It was terrible. I do not have a relationship with her as an adult.

Please hire help and get yourself together.

What? Really?
How long did she drop the rope for?
Some of these responses that you feel unloved as an adult or can’t have a relationship with your mom because you missed ballet practice when you were 5 are kind of nuts.

There was obviously a lot more going on in your household than one parent having one episode of depression.

I broke my leg a couple of months ago and didn’t do anything this spring. I couldn’t cook, couldn’t do laundry, couldn’t drive. My kids had to step it up A LOT, they ate a lot of takeout, and they didn’t get to do a lot of things that they would normally do. I don’t think this means that they can’t have a relationship with me as adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can drop the rope to a point. I did that recently - first one day per week now two. The first couple weeks were rough I will not lie. There were a couple games, etc. where the kids didn’t have what they needed or weren’t fed. Now he has it down. I think it also has helped his relationship with the kids a lot in so many ways. I had to just let it go and not swoop in to fix things or do it my way. We have a set schedule now where he is in charge of everything on two set weekdays every week. You got it OP.

I did this too. I worked late one day a week and left DH in charge. He had to figure out how to manage his work schedule to get home on time, get kids fed, get them to their things, hire a sitter or arrange a carpool if he couldn’t do it, etc.
I agree that it was really good for his relationship with the kids. It’s different being with the kids on your own vs with your spouse, and your husband should get to have that time!

[Anonymous]

I limited everything, but not because it was too much ever. I have always been in the 'the goal is not to get more done, but have less to do' camp.
I work part time, which is possible, because I stumbled into investing. Money makes money while I'm on my daily stroll.
Kid has only one activity once a week and it's right after school and in school. He can also stay on the playground without me. I get there when I get there.
He is picked up for playdates all the time by other parents at their request from shool or from our house.
DC is at relatives or traveling almost every weekend at their request.
I can't cook, which is great as I don't have to clean a whole lot. Never even used the dishwasher. I eat salads, soups, and the kid eats easy dinners. My work also sends food home with me.
The kid does not get fresh sweatpants and hoodie every day. Just t-shirt, underwear, socks.
I leave him home for few hours if I have something to do; easier for everyone.
We lost my partner who had previously done 70% of the work and life got so much easier.
Most of it was unnecessary including all the shopping he did. DC loves that he hasn't been to grocery stores, running endless errands, or shopping for two years now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom got overwhelmed and depressed and dropped the rope. It was terrible. I do not have a relationship with her as an adult.

Please hire help and get yourself together.

What? Really?
How long did she drop the rope for?
Some of these responses that you feel unloved as an adult or can’t have a relationship with your mom because you missed ballet practice when you were 5 are kind of nuts.

There was obviously a lot more going on in your household than one parent having one episode of depression.

I broke my leg a couple of months ago and didn’t do anything this spring. I couldn’t cook, couldn’t do laundry, couldn’t drive. My kids had to step it up A LOT, they ate a lot of takeout, and they didn’t get to do a lot of things that they would normally do. I don’t think this means that they can’t have a relationship with me as adults.

NP, but this is a pretty glib way to describe having a mother who suffers from depression. I have a relationship with my mom, but she also got easily overwhelmed and depressed and it was hard as a kid, and not because I missed ballet.