I want to drop the rope on being mom
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Anonymous
| Man I’m not going to lie this thread has me feeling GREAT about my parenting. Sometimes I feel like I’m not doing enough but this thread has been really eye opening. |
Anonymous
This. I get frustrated with OPs like you (and they are common) because the reality is your situation is not that unique or difficult. Every multiple kid family has to figure out the right combination of job time, parenting time, outsourcing, family help, kid activities that works for them financially and logistically. I am an attorney and my DH has a busy job that he values so I don't work big law. We don't have family around. We use babysitters when we need to, outsource some household tasks to free up time, and drive our kids places ourselves or carpool. Also, we only had two kids and limit activities more than some other families. I have also accepted that this phase of life is just kind of hard and I will be tired and feel like I am running around with my hair on fire sometime. My kids rooms are kind of a mess and I do not find enough time to declutter. You are extremely fortunate in that you have a lot of money, which can solve many of your issues. Maybe get an au pair? If you don't wish to use money to solve problems or get an au pair, one of you probably needs to change something about your job, your DH needs to do more (I seriously doubt all of his "emergencies" are related to), or you need to sack up and realize you signed up for this by having multiple kids with someone who does not seem interested in being a real partner. |
Anonymous
Why? Just because some random internet harpies might think you’re gross? Are your kids suffering health issues due to your sheet washing schedule? Do they smell bad? Understand that most of these chores are accomplished according to an individual’s preference. Some of these posters acting like it’s neglect not to wash your kid’s towel every day or only bathe them once a week unless they actually got dirty are out of their minds. |
Anonymous
I wrote earlier that I suffer from depression and had a pretty bad episode about four years ago that lasted for like six months. I dropped a lot. I felt incredibly guilty about that and about a lot of things that weren’t my fault at all. I was suicidal and pretty sure that everyone I loved would be happier if I died. I’m not saying that it wasn’t hard on my kids. It was. But I don’t think it negates everything else that has happened between us for the rest of their childhood. |
Anonymous
This isn't working smarter, not harder. This is just neglect. You send your kid to school in dirty clothes and rely on other parents to drive him around or pick him up from school? |
Anonymous
None of what PP described is neglect you psychopath. |
Anonymous
DP. Any nothing you responded to was psychopathic, sooo... The minimal activities, easy dinners, laundry preferences, and heavy help from neighbors is not how I roll, but sounds fine if it works for that PP. But regularly not managing to make it on time to pick the kid up from his mere one activity, having him stay home alone for hours if PP "has something to do", and never saying no to the relatives' requests so PP spend zero weekends with her kid, is starting to verge into neglectful (especially depending on age, which PP hasn't told us), or at the least is all pretty sh*tty. |
Anonymous
| Call an agency. Or hire Potomac Concierge to find you some temporary housekeeper candidates. Hire one 40 hours a week for 2 weeks. Go on solo vacation, retreat, whatever, when you get back things will be routinized, |
Anonymous
I don’t agree with the first sentence in the statement above - it can be hard to problem solve when you are feeling overwhelmed and depressed. I do, however, agree with the rest of the post. If you and your spouse work full time and have multiple children you do need to figure out all of the logistics and generally that includes a mix of family help, paid childcare (nanny, after care, driver, activities), and job flexing. Childcare I have three children under 7 and we will have a full time nanny until fall 2026 when our youngest goes to half day preschool 5 days a week at 3 (she’s going 2 days a week at 2 next year). We have one babysitter that we use occasionally and we occasionally request family help to cover work or social obligations or emergencies, but this really needs to be done well in advance as the closest grandparents are 80 minutes away and still working. I work remotely and my husband is in office with a long commute. I was feeling very overwhelmed this year and asked him to either come home earlier (as in before 7 pm) and help more or said I needed to extend our nanny’s hours in the evening. A good nanny costs a lot and is worth every penny. Paying for childcare is really expensive and you might be able to muddle through without help, but is it worth it? If your mental health is horrible and you can afford to pay for some childcare help when you are at your breaking point then why wouldn’t you? If your husband doesn’t want to pay for more help he needs to rearrange his schedule to be the help you need. If my youngest child was at least in K and I had enough space, I would consider hiring an au pair for a year and seeing how it went. Activities I try to combine my kids activities since they are close in age and the same gender. They may do separate classes but at the same time in the same location - something like this. Who knows if it will last, but for now it works. Mental Load I struggle to manage everything with my three kids and two dogs (let alone myself) while working. I now ask my husband to do specific tasks that I would have taken on in the past. Things like calling the doctor to get health forms completed for camp. Making car appointments. Calling about having the gutters cleaned. We are renovating our house and he is the go to person with our contractor. I have an eye for details so I want to look at things, select, and approve but he manages communication. I ask him to email and text teachers. I can’t do this all by myself and why should I? Cleaning and Decluttering Like you, we have an every other week cleaning service. I declutter/purge/reorganize every 3 -4 months, but actively clean/organize for 20 minutes a day and then if you include cleaning before/after meals and picking up random things it’s probably a total 40-60 mins/day. It sucks but I grew up in a house with tons of clutter so immediately cleaning messes up is kind of a trauma response. I also encourage my kids to clean up, but will often help them. My two older kids do have to clear their dishes off the table after meals and put dirty clothes in their respective hampers. Meals M-Th dinner is usually eggs and toast with fruit and cut veggies, Annie’s Mac and cheese with peas, or chicken nuggets and broccoli. I am by myself helping with homework and making dinner while managing my two younger children and cleaning up as I go, so I have given up on elaborate meals. I try to make something at home M-Th, but we will usually either go out to eat on Friday or order in from a restaurant and then Sat and Sun we cook at home. M-Th my husband and I eat together after the kids go to bed and we eat eggs and toast or peanutbutter and jelly or soup. I have stopped trying to cook a separate meal for us. It’s too much work. I order from Whole Foods online and then pick up once a week. It’s close to my kids’ school, so easy to do in the morning after drop off. |
Anonymous
One comment because my kids are older than yours. We found that even as our kids were in school full-time, we wanted a full-time nanny and a weekly cleaner. Our nanny's job description has evolved to meet the needs of our aging family. I would define her work now as my "personal assistant" for running the household. DH isn't willing to engage but is willing to spend money. I utilize our nanny for various household tasks, excluding deep cleaning, and I compensate her fairly well. She is probably the single most important thing I have going for me to maintain my sanity right now. |
Anonymous
+1 So disgusting! |
Anonymous
Totally agree. We paid our nanny/housekeeper 75k/yr 15 years ago. Kids were in school so we asked her to do laundry, groceries, and very light housework in addition to kid stuff. We also had a cleaning service once a week. 50k/yr for a parttime gig seems reasonable to me. |
Anonymous
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I think you should hire help -- plenty of it -- OP.
But here's a small thing we do -- 20 minutes before it's time to head up for bedtime, everyone in my house fully stops what they are doing and we all tidy up together. We put on some music from Alexa while we do -- kids get to rotate who picks the music, they love that  Every toy or every other single piece of "stuff" that any kid was using or playing with gets put away where it belongs, every random piece of paper gets put in the right pile, folder, etc.. every sport or activity item gets put in the right bag or cubby. You get the idea. Every dish gets quickly rinsed and placed in the dishwasher, and the dishwasher gets started. Anything else that was out from dinner gets put back in fridge or cabinet. Table and counters get a super quick wipe down with an all-purpose cleaner. Kitchen and eating area floor get a quick sweep. We rotate who does what, and since we all do it together, it takes only 20 minutes. It is a non-negotiable ingrained part of our routine.
Then, when I come downstairs after putting everyone to bed, the only thing that is left is hand washing things like pots that couldn't go in the dishwasher. |
Anonymous
None of that even “verges into” neglectful. Not the way you choose to parent? Understandable. But lots of kids actually suffer from real neglect. Words have meaning, regardless of how much of a dopamine hit you get from judging sub par moms on the internet. |
Anonymous
Disagree. |