Husband asked me to look more presentable

[Anonymous]

It seems like everyone is focusing exclusively on the fact that OP is postpartum and ignoring that she has a serious physical injury on top of that. I’ve been postpartum (with multiples!) and had the injury she has (not when I was postpartum), and the injury alone is debilitating. This isn’t a mental health issue. OP would be incapacitated by this injury even if she’d never had a baby.

[Anonymous]

I think OP deserves slack. I'm an OP and would try to be empathetic to my wife. That said, OP mentions she only bathes and changes her clothes once a week.

People are very different in how much odor they emit depending on genes, diet, sweating etc. I could probably go 2 days without bathing without being noticeable. My wife only 1 day. After 3-4 days most people the odor will be noticeable if they're wearing the same clothes.

Your husband asking you to be "presentable" might be a polite way of saying you're not at your freshest, from a olfactory perspective.

[Anonymous]

I suggest you check into the Ritz Carlton while he watches the baby. It’s connected to the Galleria Mall. Then go get some rest, hit the spa and buy a new blouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even in pasparrdum my wife was very f**ble. Your husband doesn't love you enough otherwise he wouldn't have said that. And you are in your own home. You are not a high end restaurant. If this guy is asking you to look presentable in your own safe space then I am worried about your relationship going forward.

Very true.. Agree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It took me 3 months to find a bra that didn’t give me mastitis. I looked pretty jiggly and lived in days old loungewear.

He can suck it.

You’re healing and there will be plenty of time to look nice later. Please do showed a few times a week for your own mental well being. It helps with the fatigue and is a few minutes alone.

Which bra did you find? I have this same issue and haven’t been able to wear one in a year!

[Anonymous]

OP, how often were you showering before this?

I have very dry skin and a sedentary job so my dermatologist recommended I shower every other day. So, if I were you, going from showering 3-4 days a week to 1 day a week would not really be that out of the ordinary. If you're someone like my bf who has oily skin and is very active and showers twice a day, 1 day a week would be weird.

[Anonymous]

I think this is a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how often were you showering before this?

I have very dry skin and a sedentary job so my dermatologist recommended I shower every other day. So, if I were you, going from showering 3-4 days a week to 1 day a week would not really be that out of the ordinary. If you're someone like my bf who has oily skin and is very active and showers twice a day, 1 day a week would be weird.

I was showering 1-2 times a day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like everyone is focusing exclusively on the fact that OP is postpartum and ignoring that she has a serious physical injury on top of that. I’ve been postpartum (with multiples!) and had the injury she has (not when I was postpartum), and the injury alone is debilitating. This isn’t a mental health issue. OP would be incapacitated by this injury even if she’d never had a baby.

I don’t think people understand how painful a herniated disc is. Taking care of my baby is all I can physically handle. I’m also in more pain because I have refused to take hardcore pain meds for more than a week. I’m relying on OTC and ice/heat therapy. I go to physical therapy once I’m cleared at 6 weeks.

I ordered more clothes and a cheap shower chair to make sure I shower daily. I showered. My husband washed laundry yesterday. He said he will try to be more in top of it.

[Anonymous]

Good luck. Turns out presentable was clean, not stinking, in clean garments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, OP, you really need to shower and change clothes daily. I am really not trying to be mean, but you probably smell after a week of no showering. And showering regularly will help to some degree how you feel.

I know you say you're not depressed, but this is a huge red flag for depression.

Completely agree and I empathize. You should be showering more regularly and not wearing unclean pajamas on a daily basis. Do you have any family who can help? Can you hire part time help? The first few months are tough. Best of luck to you.

-mother of 4

I know I need to get better. I need to do laundry more so I have more clothes to wear. I don’t so I just wear the dirty ones until my husband does laundry or I muster up the strength to do it.

We don’t have help. I’ve reached out to some caregivers but most regular ones want more hours than I’m willing to give. A doula is way too expensive for us. We don’t have a lot of extra funds to afford that kind of care.

You need help! Your husbands request for you to shower isn’t unreasonable.
Get a 12-14 yr old Mothers helper a couple times a week for a few hours. They are inexpensive. Ask neighbors or a Facebook moms group to fund one.
The teen can hold your baby and/or feed her while you shower, throw in laundry, take a nap.
If breastfeeding, start pumping, so someone else can feed the baby. Learn how to run all the bottle and pump parts through the dishwasher daily
A daily shower (with a stool to sit on) will help you feel better and be more yourself.
Also, ask your Mom, Aunt, sister, friend, to come stay with you for a week to help.
You will start to feel better in a month or so, but you need help NOW

I’m not comfortable with a teen watching my baby. I would never trust a literal child to watch my newborn. I’m only interested in having a 21+ year old vetted babysitter.

We don’t have family to help.

I think I may have found a sitter. I wanted a young nanny but I found a woman who used to be a SAHM looking for some extra income now that her kids are older and almost out of the house. I think we might go with her but she can only help us for a couple of months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like everyone is focusing exclusively on the fact that OP is postpartum and ignoring that she has a serious physical injury on top of that. I’ve been postpartum (with multiples!) and had the injury she has (not when I was postpartum), and the injury alone is debilitating. This isn’t a mental health issue. OP would be incapacitated by this injury even if she’d never had a baby.

I don’t think people understand how painful a herniated disc is. Taking care of my baby is all I can physically handle. I’m also in more pain because I have refused to take hardcore pain meds for more than a week. I’m relying on OTC and ice/heat therapy. I go to physical therapy once I’m cleared at 6 weeks.

I ordered more clothes and a cheap shower chair to make sure I shower daily. I showered. My husband washed laundry yesterday. He said he will try to be more in top of it.

I think I already asked this, but did you ask your doctor about lidocaine patches for your back? That's not like an opiate (which I also would avoid). You might also want to consider flexiril -- it's not addictive like an opiate, but will make you loopy/tired so you don't want to take it if you'll be holding baby. But might give you some relief for times when your husband is home.
I think you could also try sponge baths rather than a shower if it hurts too much to stand. That's what you would do if you had a broken leg.
Good luck! Hope you feel better soon.

[Anonymous]

You need a nurse to care for you for at least 40 days post-partum - especially with c-section and herniated disc. Don't you need to change your dressing and you can't bend etc? Also, what about the leaky breast and the smell of stale milk? OMG.

I am shocked to hear what shitty hellish life post-partum moms in the first 40 days after they give birth in this country. Barbaric.

OP, you need nursing care and household help every day until you have recovered from your c-section and all the wounds have healed.

Your DH is also correct that you need to improve your hygiene. Or you will smell like a stinkbomb combined with the corpseflower and rotting cheese.

But, he needs to cough up the money to get you care too. What a miserly SOB he is!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is the baby? This seems unreasonable unless it’s really extreme. Like if the baby is six months old and you’re showing once a week. He might have a point. If the baby is less than a month, he should not be doing anything.

A little over 1 month. I think I’ve showered maybe 4 times since giving birth. I will wear the same clothes until I shower again.

Hon, you need professional help. This is not normal.

BS she needs professional help. She has an incision that is not fully healed. I was lucky to shower once or twice a week at that stage. I changed underwear and bra, but that was about it.

No PPD--you have just forgotten what having a brand-new infant via a cesarean is like.

Really? My kids are in college, but I had two c-sections and showers are my lifeline. They’re my coffee. I was not waiting a month to shower. I would leave my colicky baby in his car seat screaming in front of me while I took a shower. A healthy mom is a better mom.

They aren’t my lifeline or my coffee. When my kid was born via c-section, I lived in a drafty rental house with an underpowered water heater; it was -22 F about two weeks after the c-section. I was healthy and a perfectly good mom. I just didn’t experience showers the same way you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can't you just say that you are PP, WFH and are overwhelmed. It won't be forever. So some grace would be appreciated.

Or, you can just tell him to F off.

We are 1 month in and I’m not back to work.

My husband has always had some issues with hygiene. He's super hygiene - showers 2-3 times a day. I’ve always been clean but the basics like showering and changing my clothes has fallen to the bottom of my list. I admit that I don’t shower much these days or change my clothes unless I do. I try to shower frequently but it’s hard and I don’t have the energy for it most days. I will throw pajamas on each time. My husband wants me to shower daily and at least get dressed in real clothes.

OK, first, you need postpartum therapy. Second, take a shower and put on some real clothes every day, even if it's yoga pants and a sweatshirt.