Is my wife being unrealistic about her expectations of my work life balance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s nuts that in 2025, the sahm position is that taking care of two young kids, one of whom goes to daycare, is beyond the capacity of the stay at home parent, and this can only be reasonably managed with childcare.

I am fascinated and disgusted that some women have not only convinced their husbands that there is so much value in the work done by a stay at home mom that they shouldn’t work out of the house, but also that their husbands should go out of pocket to pay for childcare and house cleaners while their wives perform this apparently imperative function. (I understand ops wife is on maternity leave and planning to go back to work, so it’s not exactly the situation here. But there are lots of posters suggesting that op is expecting too much of her to watch two kids on a day when she is not working - so same sentiment).

you’re fascinated and disgusted that a woman wants support caring for two small children one of whom is an infant possibly breastfeeding? And you then wonder why women are declining to have lots of babies? Come on.

I’m a woman and find it this strange. The older kid is in full day daycare most days. I have no issue with women opting out of having kids, but I do think it’s odd to try and opt out of the ones you do have.

Oh, so asking for some help from the other parent of your infant and preschooler is “opting out” of childcare? GTFO.

Yes, complaining about the spouse giving a presentation to the c-suite on the first day you have to take care of both kids solo is pathetic. Embarrassingly so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Y'all have a 3-month old. Nothing is realistic. There is no balance.

Stay on the same team, acknowledge how hard this is, and keep sight of the fact that it will be SO much easier in about 6 months. That will seem like an oppressively long time; maybe don't mention the time, just the "this gets easier" bit.

Don't try to fight this one out. You'll both lose. On days when you're around less, be sure to set up what you can the night before (make her a snack/lunch and leave a note in the fridge), and be sure to reconnect after. Little gestures can go a long way toward maintaining connection.

Let go of the idea that your (pretty cushy sounding) work-from-home situation magically negates the stress of a new baby, especially when you have an older kids' needs to wrangle simultaneously. Yes, you may have it better than most, and it still sucks. Acknowledge the suck. Having a newborn sucks. There is no balance, and there won't be for a while. This ain't your first rodeo, so you should have some idea what you're up against.

+10000

[Anonymous]

I'm a woman and I think your wife is totally off base. Maybe she's tired of being home for three months with a newborn (likely she's not sleeping through the night yet?) and is staring down the end of her maternity leave, so perhaps she's not thinking straight.

Your situation seems pretty ideal to me. I am often at my desk for 5 straight hours (or more!) so I think your job is incredibly flexible. Does she want to go back to work? Does she work outside of the house or does she telework like you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to see your wife's perspective. She's postpartum and sleep deprived and you should be more understanding. Stop thinking of what you do as "helping out"-- that means you see the household and the kids as primarily her responsibility. Think of it as doing a fair share and being a good parent, which is both of your responsibility. Her day was disrupted and made much more difficult, and you just shrugged and left her to it? Yeah, that's not being a good husband.

She wants to pick up the 4yo at a consistent time because she's tired of being functionally alone at home with a baby. And because she wants to start the evening routine, because there's dinner and whatever else such as bath, and then she has to nurse, and then bedtime which can be difficult, and then it isn't very long until she has to wake up in the night. It's almost as if-- get this-- there are two shifts in the day and at 5 PM she's starting her second shift.

She's thinking about going back to work. She's thinking how will all the household and parenting stuff get done-- that's why she's sensitive with you about household chores. Are you thinking about these things? Because you should be. If you're constantly claiming that you can't stop work on time, does she also get to work late and have you pick up the slack? Does she also get to go on multi-day work trips? Because it seems like you're claiming a lot of priority and flexibility for yourself here, and it doesn't even occur to you that this is a two-way street.

+1. Refusing to even try to coordinate a defined stopping time to hand off childcare is basically saying that OP is more important than his wife. Obviously OP needs some flexibility in case something comes up at 4:55, but it’s not actually hard to have a hard stop at a specific time. OP dismissing this conveys an attitude that his job comes first and hers second. I realize that she’s on maternity leave but I think the attitude still rankles and will likely still be there when she returns to work.

Now it seems possible that with coworkers on the West coast, it may not be feasible to stop work at 5pm ET when things are still in full swing there. In that case OP needs to be a big boy and have a discussion with his wife about how to coordinate.

Right, I think OP’s problem is acting like he’s too available. He should tell her his west coast job ends at 6.

exactly. And then figure out what kind of childcare situation they need. I find it interesting that OP has said nothing about how they are going to handle his quarterly trips out west too.

OP like MANY men just believes that his wife (whether she works out of the home or not) is there to flexibly conform to whatever he decides in terms of his work. Like, they don’t even need to think about how to handle a snow day because Mom is always the backup childcare. Let me tell you, this gets very exhausting and demoralizing when Mom also works FT, which OP’s wife will be doing soon.

[Anonymous]

I can’t believe your wife is being like this and her older child is in daycare and people are pushing back on you. This is why men shouldn’t want to have kids wtf. She is taking care of a newborn which I find to be so easy compared to older kids after having three
She has close family and help from her spouse with pick up and drop off and chores. She’s going to complain about everything and anything. She sounds awful but only
You know if it’s an aberration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a 3 month old. Which means your wife is working basically 24 hours a day and is exhausted all the time. “I helped out” tells me that you don’t feel full ownership of the situation with the kids and the house, and that’s what she’s reacting to.

The snow day thing may seem unreasonable, but she’s reacting to this: there was a family disruption and her day got 1000% harder and your day stayed basically the same. Ask yourself how often that happens.

You not ending work at a consistent time shows you’re prioritizing yourself over your wife and your kid - regularly. As someone with a big fancy job who was there to pick up my kids on time 100% of the time, I know it’s possible to end work on time consistently. You just say “oops gotta run Fred - kid pickup time! Call you tomorrow!”

Also, ask yourself how much harder your life has gotten when the second kid came 3 months ago. Your wife’s life got a lot harder. Are you doing at least 50% of the household chores - including keeping track of all of the crap that goes into that? From your post, doesn’t sound like it.

Your wife is feeling resentful. I recommend caring that she feels that way.

Why should he? He's working, she's on maternity leave. When my husband went back to work and I was still home with our twins I moved to the guest room to sleep so he could get a solid night of sleep since he had to go to work all day. Of course I was tired by the time he came home and he did then pick up and take over with the kids/dogs/house, but I was aware of the fact that he hadn't been sitting at a spa all day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s nuts that in 2025, the sahm position is that taking care of two young kids, one of whom goes to daycare, is beyond the capacity of the stay at home parent, and this can only be reasonably managed with childcare.

I am fascinated and disgusted that some women have not only convinced their husbands that there is so much value in the work done by a stay at home mom that they shouldn’t work out of the house, but also that their husbands should go out of pocket to pay for childcare and house cleaners while their wives perform this apparently imperative function. (I understand ops wife is on maternity leave and planning to go back to work, so it’s not exactly the situation here. But there are lots of posters suggesting that op is expecting too much of her to watch two kids on a day when she is not working - so same sentiment).

you’re fascinated and disgusted that a woman wants support caring for two small children one of whom is an infant possibly breastfeeding? And you then wonder why women are declining to have lots of babies? Come on.

I’m a woman and find it this strange. The older kid is in full day daycare most days. I have no issue with women opting out of having kids, but I do think it’s odd to try and opt out of the ones you do have.

Oh, so asking for some help from the other parent of your infant and preschooler is “opting out” of childcare? GTFO.

Yes, complaining about the spouse giving a presentation to the c-suite on the first day you have to take care of both kids solo is pathetic. Embarrassingly so.

if he failed to even communicate and work out a plan with her - and just silently expected her to do it all - then yes, he’s being a sh*tty user. The message is “you are my nanny and I control the division of labor in the household.”

If OP had taken a moment to be RESPECTFUL of his wife and coordinate the day, then he wouldn’t be here right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to see your wife's perspective. She's postpartum and sleep deprived and you should be more understanding. Stop thinking of what you do as "helping out"-- that means you see the household and the kids as primarily her responsibility. Think of it as doing a fair share and being a good parent, which is both of your responsibility. Her day was disrupted and made much more difficult, and you just shrugged and left her to it? Yeah, that's not being a good husband.

She wants to pick up the 4yo at a consistent time because she's tired of being functionally alone at home with a baby. And because she wants to start the evening routine, because there's dinner and whatever else such as bath, and then she has to nurse, and then bedtime which can be difficult, and then it isn't very long until she has to wake up in the night. It's almost as if-- get this-- there are two shifts in the day and at 5 PM she's starting her second shift.

She's thinking about going back to work. She's thinking how will all the household and parenting stuff get done-- that's why she's sensitive with you about household chores. Are you thinking about these things? Because you should be. If you're constantly claiming that you can't stop work on time, does she also get to work late and have you pick up the slack? Does she also get to go on multi-day work trips? Because it seems like you're claiming a lot of priority and flexibility for yourself here, and it doesn't even occur to you that this is a two-way street.

+1. Refusing to even try to coordinate a defined stopping time to hand off childcare is basically saying that OP is more important than his wife. Obviously OP needs some flexibility in case something comes up at 4:55, but it’s not actually hard to have a hard stop at a specific time. OP dismissing this conveys an attitude that his job comes first and hers second. I realize that she’s on maternity leave but I think the attitude still rankles and will likely still be there when she returns to work.

Now it seems possible that with coworkers on the West coast, it may not be feasible to stop work at 5pm ET when things are still in full swing there. In that case OP needs to be a big boy and have a discussion with his wife about how to coordinate.

OP powers down at 5, could be 5:05-5:10 if he's typing a last email, which I think is completely reasonable. For example, we pick up our kids from daycare at 5:30. Sometimes we walk out the door at 5 and grab them at 5:20, sometimes we walk out at 5:10 and grab them at 5:30, some days we leave at 5 and hit every single light and grab them at 5:30. OP's wife biyatching about 5-10 minutes is *insane*.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to see your wife's perspective. She's postpartum and sleep deprived and you should be more understanding. Stop thinking of what you do as "helping out"-- that means you see the household and the kids as primarily her responsibility. Think of it as doing a fair share and being a good parent, which is both of your responsibility. Her day was disrupted and made much more difficult, and you just shrugged and left her to it? Yeah, that's not being a good husband.

She wants to pick up the 4yo at a consistent time because she's tired of being functionally alone at home with a baby. And because she wants to start the evening routine, because there's dinner and whatever else such as bath, and then she has to nurse, and then bedtime which can be difficult, and then it isn't very long until she has to wake up in the night. It's almost as if-- get this-- there are two shifts in the day and at 5 PM she's starting her second shift.

She's thinking about going back to work. She's thinking how will all the household and parenting stuff get done-- that's why she's sensitive with you about household chores. Are you thinking about these things? Because you should be. If you're constantly claiming that you can't stop work on time, does she also get to work late and have you pick up the slack? Does she also get to go on multi-day work trips? Because it seems like you're claiming a lot of priority and flexibility for yourself here, and it doesn't even occur to you that this is a two-way street.

+1. Refusing to even try to coordinate a defined stopping time to hand off childcare is basically saying that OP is more important than his wife. Obviously OP needs some flexibility in case something comes up at 4:55, but it’s not actually hard to have a hard stop at a specific time. OP dismissing this conveys an attitude that his job comes first and hers second. I realize that she’s on maternity leave but I think the attitude still rankles and will likely still be there when she returns to work.

Now it seems possible that with coworkers on the West coast, it may not be feasible to stop work at 5pm ET when things are still in full swing there. In that case OP needs to be a big boy and have a discussion with his wife about how to coordinate.

Right, I think OP’s problem is acting like he’s too available. He should tell her his west coast job ends at 6.

exactly. And then figure out what kind of childcare situation they need. I find it interesting that OP has said nothing about how they are going to handle his quarterly trips out west too.

OP like MANY men just believes that his wife (whether she works out of the home or not) is there to flexibly conform to whatever he decides in terms of his work. Like, they don’t even need to think about how to handle a snow day because Mom is always the backup childcare. Let me tell you, this gets very exhausting and demoralizing when Mom also works FT, which OP’s wife will be doing soon.

I’m the PP you are responding to and my I was intending to be a little sharper. I think OP’s wife has unrealistic expectations so he should set them so she expects less. Very few people have the flexibility OP described so his wife is expecting something that isn’t realistic. The idea that the parent on maternity leave wouldn’t cover the snow day is strange - and I say that as a woman breadwinner in my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a 3 month old. Which means your wife is working basically 24 hours a day and is exhausted all the time. “I helped out” tells me that you don’t feel full ownership of the situation with the kids and the house, and that’s what she’s reacting to.

The snow day thing may seem unreasonable, but she’s reacting to this: there was a family disruption and her day got 1000% harder and your day stayed basically the same. Ask yourself how often that happens.

You not ending work at a consistent time shows you’re prioritizing yourself over your wife and your kid - regularly. As someone with a big fancy job who was there to pick up my kids on time 100% of the time, I know it’s possible to end work on time consistently. You just say “oops gotta run Fred - kid pickup time! Call you tomorrow!”

Also, ask yourself how much harder your life has gotten when the second kid came 3 months ago. Your wife’s life got a lot harder. Are you doing at least 50% of the household chores - including keeping track of all of the crap that goes into that? From your post, doesn’t sound like it.

Your wife is feeling resentful. I recommend caring that she feels that way.

Why should he? He's working, she's on maternity leave. When my husband went back to work and I was still home with our twins I moved to the guest room to sleep so he could get a solid night of sleep since he had to go to work all day. Of course I was tired by the time he came home and he did then pick up and take over with the kids/dogs/house, but I was aware of the fact that he hadn't been sitting at a spa all day.

He should feel full ownership because they are his children and it’s his house. And not caring that your wife is stressed caring for a newborn is not exactly the route to marital bliss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re both wrong. If you have a hard stop at 5, you need to stop at 5, JUST LIKE EVERY MOM IN THE WORLD WHO WORKS AND DOES DAYCARE PICK UP. Why is that hard to understand?

I sympathize with OP but I do agree with this part. Both my husband and I have been responsible for leaving work at a particular time to get our kids and there is no gray area there. You log off when you need to and go get your kids.

Now we both work from home, so while our agreement is that we all meet with the kids in the kitchen at 5:30 to make dinner and feed the dogs if everyone is at home (our kids are older now), one of us not showing up for that isn't that big of a deal so we're pretty understanding if something came up. But picking kids up from daycare is no joke and you don't have the room to be 5-10 minutes late. If I were you, I would apologize for that and make a bigger effort going forward. Her taking the 3-month old isn't an option - that's a lot of work to get the baby ready and in the car - so you need to honor your commitment to a 5 pm stop time even if it means you do log on later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow! Horrible expectations from a mom who is still recovering from childbirth, isolated, has young kids.

What a stupid society and culture.

Congratulations on doing better on your career and having a job. Your household needs to outsource chores , grandparents need to step up, you also need a part time baby sitter/nanny.

No.

+1

Of all the solutions to this problem, the grandparents stepping up isn't one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s nuts that in 2025, the sahm position is that taking care of two young kids, one of whom goes to daycare, is beyond the capacity of the stay at home parent, and this can only be reasonably managed with childcare.

I am fascinated and disgusted that some women have not only convinced their husbands that there is so much value in the work done by a stay at home mom that they shouldn’t work out of the house, but also that their husbands should go out of pocket to pay for childcare and house cleaners while their wives perform this apparently imperative function. (I understand ops wife is on maternity leave and planning to go back to work, so it’s not exactly the situation here. But there are lots of posters suggesting that op is expecting too much of her to watch two kids on a day when she is not working - so same sentiment).

you’re fascinated and disgusted that a woman wants support caring for two small children one of whom is an infant possibly breastfeeding? And you then wonder why women are declining to have lots of babies? Come on.

I’m a woman and find it this strange. The older kid is in full day daycare most days. I have no issue with women opting out of having kids, but I do think it’s odd to try and opt out of the ones you do have.

Oh, so asking for some help from the other parent of your infant and preschooler is “opting out” of childcare? GTFO.

Yes, complaining about the spouse giving a presentation to the c-suite on the first day you have to take care of both kids solo is pathetic. Embarrassingly so.

if he failed to even communicate and work out a plan with her - and just silently expected her to do it all - then yes, he’s being a sh*tty user. The message is “you are my nanny and I control the division of labor in the household.”

If OP had taken a moment to be RESPECTFUL of his wife and coordinate the day, then he wouldn’t be here right now.

You are kidding right? The plan is the parent who is not working that day takes care of the kids. It was 5 hours, not even a full work day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re both wrong. If you have a hard stop at 5, you need to stop at 5, JUST LIKE EVERY MOM IN THE WORLD WHO WORKS AND DOES DAYCARE PICK UP. Why is that hard to understand?

I sympathize with OP but I do agree with this part. Both my husband and I have been responsible for leaving work at a particular time to get our kids and there is no gray area there. You log off when you need to and go get your kids.

Now we both work from home, so while our agreement is that we all meet with the kids in the kitchen at 5:30 to make dinner and feed the dogs if everyone is at home (our kids are older now), one of us not showing up for that isn't that big of a deal so we're pretty understanding if something came up. But picking kids up from daycare is no joke and you don't have the room to be 5-10 minutes late. If I were you, I would apologize for that and make a bigger effort going forward. Her taking the 3-month old isn't an option - that's a lot of work to get the baby ready and in the car - so you need to honor your commitment to a 5 pm stop time even if it means you do log on later.

He has a West Coast job that allows him AM flexibility so I’m not sure why this would be the comparison.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s nuts that in 2025, the sahm position is that taking care of two young kids, one of whom goes to daycare, is beyond the capacity of the stay at home parent, and this can only be reasonably managed with childcare.

I am fascinated and disgusted that some women have not only convinced their husbands that there is so much value in the work done by a stay at home mom that they shouldn’t work out of the house, but also that their husbands should go out of pocket to pay for childcare and house cleaners while their wives perform this apparently imperative function. (I understand ops wife is on maternity leave and planning to go back to work, so it’s not exactly the situation here. But there are lots of posters suggesting that op is expecting too much of her to watch two kids on a day when she is not working - so same sentiment).

If you haven't done the job, STFU about the value of the job. This is the most asinine nonsense, and it gets trotted out anytime anyone says "SAHM".

It's not just the workload, it's the isolation, the lack of respect (which you've clearly got, to excess), the pseudo-monotony where everything is the same and boring until it's VERY EXCITING because your kid fell or put a sandwich in the dryer, or puked, or just decided to throw a tantrum over goldfish crackers and is now having a level-five meltdown for what reasonable people would call no reason...

Don't be a POS about a job you've never done. You probably wouldn't last a week, let alone 3 months, and that's without the wild ride that is postpartum hormones.

DP. I've done it and I agree that it is doable but of course it's hard. If you have resources then no shame in getting help. If not then you just. do. it. And it's okay to recognize it's a hard time and it does pass. You can let housekeeping and homebaked meals slide. REally you can. It's not forever. You can also skip daycare/preschool and have a day at home or just in a double stroller for long walks. Or set them both in the bathroom while you take a shower. Only thing you can't do (responsibly) is nap so of course it's exhausting.