Is my wife being unrealistic about her expectations of my work life balance?

[Anonymous]

She’s on maternity leave so she works too. You are obnoxious and need a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not about the work, it’s about how she is feeling. Agree with PP above. Maternity leave is super hard and she probably feels somewhat resentful. I would focus on checking in with her. You say you make time for the kids but what about her? What can you do to make sure she knows how much you appreciate her?

There we go again. Always about her even after the kids are all and grown. Always about her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not about the work, it’s about how she is feeling. Agree with PP above. Maternity leave is super hard and she probably feels somewhat resentful. I would focus on checking in with her. You say you make time for the kids but what about her? What can you do to make sure she knows how much you appreciate her?

There we go again. Always about her even after the kids are all and grown. Always about her.

They want to be appreciated and given special pats on the back for existing and doing regular grown up stuff. It's absurd lol.

Gents, don't ever let your life and choices be dictated by the whims and "feelings" of a woman. That way lies madness. Consider them, but don't let them run you ragged. It's a bottomless pit. Put your foot down when you need to and keep things in check.

[Anonymous]

It’s nuts that in 2025, the sahm position is that taking care of two young kids, one of whom goes to daycare, is beyond the capacity of the stay at home parent, and this can only be reasonably managed with childcare.

I am fascinated and disgusted that some women have not only convinced their husbands that there is so much value in the work done by a stay at home mom that they shouldn’t work out of the house, but also that their husbands should go out of pocket to pay for childcare and house cleaners while their wives perform this apparently imperative function. (I understand ops wife is on maternity leave and planning to go back to work, so it’s not exactly the situation here. But there are lots of posters suggesting that op is expecting too much of her to watch two kids on a day when she is not working - so same sentiment).

[Anonymous]

Y'all have a 3-month old. Nothing is realistic. There is no balance.

Stay on the same team, acknowledge how hard this is, and keep sight of the fact that it will be SO much easier in about 6 months. That will seem like an oppressively long time; maybe don't mention the time, just the "this gets easier" bit.

Don't try to fight this one out. You'll both lose. On days when you're around less, be sure to set up what you can the night before (make her a snack/lunch and leave a note in the fridge), and be sure to reconnect after. Little gestures can go a long way toward maintaining connection.

Let go of the idea that your (pretty cushy sounding) work-from-home situation magically negates the stress of a new baby, especially when you have an older kids' needs to wrangle simultaneously. Yes, you may have it better than most, and it still sucks. Acknowledge the suck. Having a newborn sucks. There is no balance, and there won't be for a while. This ain't your first rodeo, so you should have some idea what you're up against.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s nuts that in 2025, the sahm position is that taking care of two young kids, one of whom goes to daycare, is beyond the capacity of the stay at home parent, and this can only be reasonably managed with childcare.

I am fascinated and disgusted that some women have not only convinced their husbands that there is so much value in the work done by a stay at home mom that they shouldn’t work out of the house, but also that their husbands should go out of pocket to pay for childcare and house cleaners while their wives perform this apparently imperative function. (I understand ops wife is on maternity leave and planning to go back to work, so it’s not exactly the situation here. But there are lots of posters suggesting that op is expecting too much of her to watch two kids on a day when she is not working - so same sentiment).

If you haven't done the job, STFU about the value of the job. This is the most asinine nonsense, and it gets trotted out anytime anyone says "SAHM".

It's not just the workload, it's the isolation, the lack of respect (which you've clearly got, to excess), the pseudo-monotony where everything is the same and boring until it's VERY EXCITING because your kid fell or put a sandwich in the dryer, or puked, or just decided to throw a tantrum over goldfish crackers and is now having a level-five meltdown for what reasonable people would call no reason...

Don't be a POS about a job you've never done. You probably wouldn't last a week, let alone 3 months, and that's without the wild ride that is postpartum hormones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not about the work, it’s about how she is feeling. Agree with PP above. Maternity leave is super hard and she probably feels somewhat resentful. I would focus on checking in with her. You say you make time for the kids but what about her? What can you do to make sure she knows how much you appreciate her?

There we go again. Always about her even after the kids are all and grown. Always about her.

They want to be appreciated and given special pats on the back for existing and doing regular grown up stuff. It's absurd lol.

Gents, don't ever let your life and choices be dictated by the whims and "feelings" of a woman. That way lies madness. Consider them, but don't let them run you ragged. It's a bottomless pit. Put your foot down when you need to and keep things in check.

Or, just hire a sex worker! And a housekeeper! I lean pretty libertarian and I think there are definitely ethical ways to hire for what you want here. I don’t understand why you don’t just hire for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to see your wife's perspective. She's postpartum and sleep deprived and you should be more understanding. Stop thinking of what you do as "helping out"-- that means you see the household and the kids as primarily her responsibility. Think of it as doing a fair share and being a good parent, which is both of your responsibility. Her day was disrupted and made much more difficult, and you just shrugged and left her to it? Yeah, that's not being a good husband.

She wants to pick up the 4yo at a consistent time because she's tired of being functionally alone at home with a baby. And because she wants to start the evening routine, because there's dinner and whatever else such as bath, and then she has to nurse, and then bedtime which can be difficult, and then it isn't very long until she has to wake up in the night. It's almost as if-- get this-- there are two shifts in the day and at 5 PM she's starting her second shift.

She's thinking about going back to work. She's thinking how will all the household and parenting stuff get done-- that's why she's sensitive with you about household chores. Are you thinking about these things? Because you should be. If you're constantly claiming that you can't stop work on time, does she also get to work late and have you pick up the slack? Does she also get to go on multi-day work trips? Because it seems like you're claiming a lot of priority and flexibility for yourself here, and it doesn't even occur to you that this is a two-way street.

+1. Refusing to even try to coordinate a defined stopping time to hand off childcare is basically saying that OP is more important than his wife. Obviously OP needs some flexibility in case something comes up at 4:55, but it’s not actually hard to have a hard stop at a specific time. OP dismissing this conveys an attitude that his job comes first and hers second. I realize that she’s on maternity leave but I think the attitude still rankles and will likely still be there when she returns to work.

Now it seems possible that with coworkers on the West coast, it may not be feasible to stop work at 5pm ET when things are still in full swing there. In that case OP needs to be a big boy and have a discussion with his wife about how to coordinate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s nuts that in 2025, the sahm position is that taking care of two young kids, one of whom goes to daycare, is beyond the capacity of the stay at home parent, and this can only be reasonably managed with childcare.

I am fascinated and disgusted that some women have not only convinced their husbands that there is so much value in the work done by a stay at home mom that they shouldn’t work out of the house, but also that their husbands should go out of pocket to pay for childcare and house cleaners while their wives perform this apparently imperative function. (I understand ops wife is on maternity leave and planning to go back to work, so it’s not exactly the situation here. But there are lots of posters suggesting that op is expecting too much of her to watch two kids on a day when she is not working - so same sentiment).

She’s not a Sahm. She’s on maternity leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not about the work, it’s about how she is feeling. Agree with PP above. Maternity leave is super hard and she probably feels somewhat resentful. I would focus on checking in with her. You say you make time for the kids but what about her? What can you do to make sure she knows how much you appreciate her?

There we go again. Always about her even after the kids are all and grown. Always about her.

is there no time a woman’s life can be a little bit about her? 3 months post-partum with a 4 year old too?

I bet you’re one of those idiots who frets about declining birth rates. Hmm wonder why women aren’t choosing to have lots of babies …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s nuts that in 2025, the sahm position is that taking care of two young kids, one of whom goes to daycare, is beyond the capacity of the stay at home parent, and this can only be reasonably managed with childcare.

I am fascinated and disgusted that some women have not only convinced their husbands that there is so much value in the work done by a stay at home mom that they shouldn’t work out of the house, but also that their husbands should go out of pocket to pay for childcare and house cleaners while their wives perform this apparently imperative function. (I understand ops wife is on maternity leave and planning to go back to work, so it’s not exactly the situation here. But there are lots of posters suggesting that op is expecting too much of her to watch two kids on a day when she is not working - so same sentiment).

you’re fascinated and disgusted that a woman wants support caring for two small children one of whom is an infant possibly breastfeeding? And you then wonder why women are declining to have lots of babies? Come on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to see your wife's perspective. She's postpartum and sleep deprived and you should be more understanding. Stop thinking of what you do as "helping out"-- that means you see the household and the kids as primarily her responsibility. Think of it as doing a fair share and being a good parent, which is both of your responsibility. Her day was disrupted and made much more difficult, and you just shrugged and left her to it? Yeah, that's not being a good husband.

She wants to pick up the 4yo at a consistent time because she's tired of being functionally alone at home with a baby. And because she wants to start the evening routine, because there's dinner and whatever else such as bath, and then she has to nurse, and then bedtime which can be difficult, and then it isn't very long until she has to wake up in the night. It's almost as if-- get this-- there are two shifts in the day and at 5 PM she's starting her second shift.

She's thinking about going back to work. She's thinking how will all the household and parenting stuff get done-- that's why she's sensitive with you about household chores. Are you thinking about these things? Because you should be. If you're constantly claiming that you can't stop work on time, does she also get to work late and have you pick up the slack? Does she also get to go on multi-day work trips? Because it seems like you're claiming a lot of priority and flexibility for yourself here, and it doesn't even occur to you that this is a two-way street.

+1. Refusing to even try to coordinate a defined stopping time to hand off childcare is basically saying that OP is more important than his wife. Obviously OP needs some flexibility in case something comes up at 4:55, but it’s not actually hard to have a hard stop at a specific time. OP dismissing this conveys an attitude that his job comes first and hers second. I realize that she’s on maternity leave but I think the attitude still rankles and will likely still be there when she returns to work.

Now it seems possible that with coworkers on the West coast, it may not be feasible to stop work at 5pm ET when things are still in full swing there. In that case OP needs to be a big boy and have a discussion with his wife about how to coordinate.

Right, I think OP’s problem is acting like he’s too available. He should tell her his west coast job ends at 6.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s nuts that in 2025, the sahm position is that taking care of two young kids, one of whom goes to daycare, is beyond the capacity of the stay at home parent, and this can only be reasonably managed with childcare.

I am fascinated and disgusted that some women have not only convinced their husbands that there is so much value in the work done by a stay at home mom that they shouldn’t work out of the house, but also that their husbands should go out of pocket to pay for childcare and house cleaners while their wives perform this apparently imperative function. (I understand ops wife is on maternity leave and planning to go back to work, so it’s not exactly the situation here. But there are lots of posters suggesting that op is expecting too much of her to watch two kids on a day when she is not working - so same sentiment).

you’re fascinated and disgusted that a woman wants support caring for two small children one of whom is an infant possibly breastfeeding? And you then wonder why women are declining to have lots of babies? Come on.

I’m a woman and find it this strange. The older kid is in full day daycare most days. I have no issue with women opting out of having kids, but I do think it’s odd to try and opt out of the ones you do have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s nuts that in 2025, the sahm position is that taking care of two young kids, one of whom goes to daycare, is beyond the capacity of the stay at home parent, and this can only be reasonably managed with childcare.

I am fascinated and disgusted that some women have not only convinced their husbands that there is so much value in the work done by a stay at home mom that they shouldn’t work out of the house, but also that their husbands should go out of pocket to pay for childcare and house cleaners while their wives perform this apparently imperative function. (I understand ops wife is on maternity leave and planning to go back to work, so it’s not exactly the situation here. But there are lots of posters suggesting that op is expecting too much of her to watch two kids on a day when she is not working - so same sentiment).

you’re fascinated and disgusted that a woman wants support caring for two small children one of whom is an infant possibly breastfeeding? And you then wonder why women are declining to have lots of babies? Come on.

I’m a woman and find it this strange. The older kid is in full day daycare most days. I have no issue with women opting out of having kids, but I do think it’s odd to try and opt out of the ones you do have.

Oh, so asking for some help from the other parent of your infant and preschooler is “opting out” of childcare? GTFO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s nuts that in 2025, the sahm position is that taking care of two young kids, one of whom goes to daycare, is beyond the capacity of the stay at home parent, and this can only be reasonably managed with childcare.

I am fascinated and disgusted that some women have not only convinced their husbands that there is so much value in the work done by a stay at home mom that they shouldn’t work out of the house, but also that their husbands should go out of pocket to pay for childcare and house cleaners while their wives perform this apparently imperative function. (I understand ops wife is on maternity leave and planning to go back to work, so it’s not exactly the situation here. But there are lots of posters suggesting that op is expecting too much of her to watch two kids on a day when she is not working - so same sentiment).

If you haven't done the job, STFU about the value of the job. This is the most asinine nonsense, and it gets trotted out anytime anyone says "SAHM".

It's not just the workload, it's the isolation, the lack of respect (which you've clearly got, to excess), the pseudo-monotony where everything is the same and boring until it's VERY EXCITING because your kid fell or put a sandwich in the dryer, or puked, or just decided to throw a tantrum over goldfish crackers and is now having a level-five meltdown for what reasonable people would call no reason...

Don't be a POS about a job you've never done. You probably wouldn't last a week, let alone 3 months, and that's without the wild ride that is postpartum hormones.

DP. Many of us posting have actually taken care of small kids, without a husband who stopped work at 5:30, handled the morning shift, and a daycare for the older kid. That’s why these posts telling OP to get even more care (while she’s on maternity leave?) make no sense.