Is my wife being unrealistic about her expectations of my work life balance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to see your wife's perspective. She's postpartum and sleep deprived and you should be more understanding. Stop thinking of what you do as "helping out"-- that means you see the household and the kids as primarily her responsibility. Think of it as doing a fair share and being a good parent, which is both of your responsibility. Her day was disrupted and made much more difficult, and you just shrugged and left her to it? Yeah, that's not being a good husband.

She wants to pick up the 4yo at a consistent time because she's tired of being functionally alone at home with a baby. And because she wants to start the evening routine, because there's dinner and whatever else such as bath, and then she has to nurse, and then bedtime which can be difficult, and then it isn't very long until she has to wake up in the night. It's almost as if-- get this-- there are two shifts in the day and at 5 PM she's starting her second shift.

She's thinking about going back to work. She's thinking how will all the household and parenting stuff get done-- that's why she's sensitive with you about household chores. Are you thinking about these things? Because you should be. If you're constantly claiming that you can't stop work on time, does she also get to work late and have you pick up the slack? Does she also get to go on multi-day work trips? Because it seems like you're claiming a lot of priority and flexibility for yourself here, and it doesn't even occur to you that this is a two-way street.

+1. Refusing to even try to coordinate a defined stopping time to hand off childcare is basically saying that OP is more important than his wife. Obviously OP needs some flexibility in case something comes up at 4:55, but it’s not actually hard to have a hard stop at a specific time. OP dismissing this conveys an attitude that his job comes first and hers second. I realize that she’s on maternity leave but I think the attitude still rankles and will likely still be there when she returns to work.

Now it seems possible that with coworkers on the West coast, it may not be feasible to stop work at 5pm ET when things are still in full swing there. In that case OP needs to be a big boy and have a discussion with his wife about how to coordinate.

OP powers down at 5, could be 5:05-5:10 if he's typing a last email, which I think is completely reasonable. For example, we pick up our kids from daycare at 5:30. Sometimes we walk out the door at 5 and grab them at 5:20, sometimes we walk out at 5:10 and grab them at 5:30, some days we leave at 5 and hit every single light and grab them at 5:30. OP's wife biyatching about 5-10 minutes is *insane*.

Only if you actually believe it is “just” 5-10 minutes. Remember that OP said at the start he “used to have work-life balance issues.” I bet anything that it’s more like 15-30-45 minutes (whatever HE decides it should be) and that is a big deal. And of course the context is that she is going back to work, so she’s trying to figure out how to make that work in the face of his possible unwillingness to stick to a schedule.

I’m also not sure what additional past issues they had or if they were as bad as in my house. But at certain times I had to exert what probably seemed to be an “insane” overreaction in order to get my exDH to be even minimally responsible for anything. So yeah, it could come down to really needing to insist that “no, it HAS to be 5pm, every single day” because otherwise my exDH would take advantage and it would slide to 5:30 then 6:30 then “oh I can’t do pickup today, can you do it?” Then before you know it, boom, I’m doing drop-off and pickup most days even though I also work FT. So yeah there was a tantrum in there once or twice when exDH said (from bed) “Oh can’t YOU take him to school this morning?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s nuts that in 2025, the sahm position is that taking care of two young kids, one of whom goes to daycare, is beyond the capacity of the stay at home parent, and this can only be reasonably managed with childcare.

I am fascinated and disgusted that some women have not only convinced their husbands that there is so much value in the work done by a stay at home mom that they shouldn’t work out of the house, but also that their husbands should go out of pocket to pay for childcare and house cleaners while their wives perform this apparently imperative function. (I understand ops wife is on maternity leave and planning to go back to work, so it’s not exactly the situation here. But there are lots of posters suggesting that op is expecting too much of her to watch two kids on a day when she is not working - so same sentiment).

you’re fascinated and disgusted that a woman wants support caring for two small children one of whom is an infant possibly breastfeeding? And you then wonder why women are declining to have lots of babies? Come on.

I’m a woman and find it this strange. The older kid is in full day daycare most days. I have no issue with women opting out of having kids, but I do think it’s odd to try and opt out of the ones you do have.

Oh, so asking for some help from the other parent of your infant and preschooler is “opting out” of childcare? GTFO.

Yes, complaining about the spouse giving a presentation to the c-suite on the first day you have to take care of both kids solo is pathetic. Embarrassingly so.

if he failed to even communicate and work out a plan with her - and just silently expected her to do it all - then yes, he’s being a sh*tty user. The message is “you are my nanny and I control the division of labor in the household.”

If OP had taken a moment to be RESPECTFUL of his wife and coordinate the day, then he wouldn’t be here right now.

You are kidding right? The plan is the parent who is not working that day takes care of the kids. It was 5 hours, not even a full work day.

Yeah no, your wife is not your nanny. If that’s the plan, you discuss it with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to see your wife's perspective. She's postpartum and sleep deprived and you should be more understanding. Stop thinking of what you do as "helping out"-- that means you see the household and the kids as primarily her responsibility. Think of it as doing a fair share and being a good parent, which is both of your responsibility. Her day was disrupted and made much more difficult, and you just shrugged and left her to it? Yeah, that's not being a good husband.

She wants to pick up the 4yo at a consistent time because she's tired of being functionally alone at home with a baby. And because she wants to start the evening routine, because there's dinner and whatever else such as bath, and then she has to nurse, and then bedtime which can be difficult, and then it isn't very long until she has to wake up in the night. It's almost as if-- get this-- there are two shifts in the day and at 5 PM she's starting her second shift.

She's thinking about going back to work. She's thinking how will all the household and parenting stuff get done-- that's why she's sensitive with you about household chores. Are you thinking about these things? Because you should be. If you're constantly claiming that you can't stop work on time, does she also get to work late and have you pick up the slack? Does she also get to go on multi-day work trips? Because it seems like you're claiming a lot of priority and flexibility for yourself here, and it doesn't even occur to you that this is a two-way street.

+1. Refusing to even try to coordinate a defined stopping time to hand off childcare is basically saying that OP is more important than his wife. Obviously OP needs some flexibility in case something comes up at 4:55, but it’s not actually hard to have a hard stop at a specific time. OP dismissing this conveys an attitude that his job comes first and hers second. I realize that she’s on maternity leave but I think the attitude still rankles and will likely still be there when she returns to work.

Now it seems possible that with coworkers on the West coast, it may not be feasible to stop work at 5pm ET when things are still in full swing there. In that case OP needs to be a big boy and have a discussion with his wife about how to coordinate.

OP powers down at 5, could be 5:05-5:10 if he's typing a last email, which I think is completely reasonable. For example, we pick up our kids from daycare at 5:30. Sometimes we walk out the door at 5 and grab them at 5:20, sometimes we walk out at 5:10 and grab them at 5:30, some days we leave at 5 and hit every single light and grab them at 5:30. OP's wife biyatching about 5-10 minutes is *insane*.

Only if you actually believe it is “just” 5-10 minutes. Remember that OP said at the start he “used to have work-life balance issues.” I bet anything that it’s more like 15-30-45 minutes (whatever HE decides it should be) and that is a big deal. And of course the context is that she is going back to work, so she’s trying to figure out how to make that work in the face of his possible unwillingness to stick to a schedule.

I’m also not sure what additional past issues they had or if they were as bad as in my house. But at certain times I had to exert what probably seemed to be an “insane” overreaction in order to get my exDH to be even minimally responsible for anything. So yeah, it could come down to really needing to insist that “no, it HAS to be 5pm, every single day” because otherwise my exDH would take advantage and it would slide to 5:30 then 6:30 then “oh I can’t do pickup today, can you do it?” Then before you know it, boom, I’m doing drop-off and pickup most days even though I also work FT. So yeah there was a tantrum in there once or twice when exDH said (from bed) “Oh can’t YOU take him to school this morning?”

Your ex sounds awful but you are way too old to tantrum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to see your wife's perspective. She's postpartum and sleep deprived and you should be more understanding. Stop thinking of what you do as "helping out"-- that means you see the household and the kids as primarily her responsibility. Think of it as doing a fair share and being a good parent, which is both of your responsibility. Her day was disrupted and made much more difficult, and you just shrugged and left her to it? Yeah, that's not being a good husband.

She wants to pick up the 4yo at a consistent time because she's tired of being functionally alone at home with a baby. And because she wants to start the evening routine, because there's dinner and whatever else such as bath, and then she has to nurse, and then bedtime which can be difficult, and then it isn't very long until she has to wake up in the night. It's almost as if-- get this-- there are two shifts in the day and at 5 PM she's starting her second shift.

She's thinking about going back to work. She's thinking how will all the household and parenting stuff get done-- that's why she's sensitive with you about household chores. Are you thinking about these things? Because you should be. If you're constantly claiming that you can't stop work on time, does she also get to work late and have you pick up the slack? Does she also get to go on multi-day work trips? Because it seems like you're claiming a lot of priority and flexibility for yourself here, and it doesn't even occur to you that this is a two-way street.

+1. Refusing to even try to coordinate a defined stopping time to hand off childcare is basically saying that OP is more important than his wife. Obviously OP needs some flexibility in case something comes up at 4:55, but it’s not actually hard to have a hard stop at a specific time. OP dismissing this conveys an attitude that his job comes first and hers second. I realize that she’s on maternity leave but I think the attitude still rankles and will likely still be there when she returns to work.

Now it seems possible that with coworkers on the West coast, it may not be feasible to stop work at 5pm ET when things are still in full swing there. In that case OP needs to be a big boy and have a discussion with his wife about how to coordinate.

OP powers down at 5, could be 5:05-5:10 if he's typing a last email, which I think is completely reasonable. For example, we pick up our kids from daycare at 5:30. Sometimes we walk out the door at 5 and grab them at 5:20, sometimes we walk out at 5:10 and grab them at 5:30, some days we leave at 5 and hit every single light and grab them at 5:30. OP's wife biyatching about 5-10 minutes is *insane*.

Only if you actually believe it is “just” 5-10 minutes. Remember that OP said at the start he “used to have work-life balance issues.” I bet anything that it’s more like 15-30-45 minutes (whatever HE decides it should be) and that is a big deal. And of course the context is that she is going back to work, so she’s trying to figure out how to make that work in the face of his possible unwillingness to stick to a schedule.

I’m also not sure what additional past issues they had or if they were as bad as in my house. But at certain times I had to exert what probably seemed to be an “insane” overreaction in order to get my exDH to be even minimally responsible for anything. So yeah, it could come down to really needing to insist that “no, it HAS to be 5pm, every single day” because otherwise my exDH would take advantage and it would slide to 5:30 then 6:30 then “oh I can’t do pickup today, can you do it?” Then before you know it, boom, I’m doing drop-off and pickup most days even though I also work FT. So yeah there was a tantrum in there once or twice when exDH said (from bed) “Oh can’t YOU take him to school this morning?”

Your ex sounds awful but you are way too old to tantrum.

lol well, no tantrum would have meant that I did drop off and pickup and worked FT … so tantrum it was. exDH did not respond to any other kind of communication (I tried it all.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s nuts that in 2025, the sahm position is that taking care of two young kids, one of whom goes to daycare, is beyond the capacity of the stay at home parent, and this can only be reasonably managed with childcare.

I am fascinated and disgusted that some women have not only convinced their husbands that there is so much value in the work done by a stay at home mom that they shouldn’t work out of the house, but also that their husbands should go out of pocket to pay for childcare and house cleaners while their wives perform this apparently imperative function. (I understand ops wife is on maternity leave and planning to go back to work, so it’s not exactly the situation here. But there are lots of posters suggesting that op is expecting too much of her to watch two kids on a day when she is not working - so same sentiment).

you’re fascinated and disgusted that a woman wants support caring for two small children one of whom is an infant possibly breastfeeding? And you then wonder why women are declining to have lots of babies? Come on.

I’m a woman and find it this strange. The older kid is in full day daycare most days. I have no issue with women opting out of having kids, but I do think it’s odd to try and opt out of the ones you do have.

Oh, so asking for some help from the other parent of your infant and preschooler is “opting out” of childcare? GTFO.

Yes, complaining about the spouse giving a presentation to the c-suite on the first day you have to take care of both kids solo is pathetic. Embarrassingly so.

if he failed to even communicate and work out a plan with her - and just silently expected her to do it all - then yes, he’s being a sh*tty user. The message is “you are my nanny and I control the division of labor in the household.”

If OP had taken a moment to be RESPECTFUL of his wife and coordinate the day, then he wouldn’t be here right now.

You are kidding right? The plan is the parent who is not working that day takes care of the kids. It was 5 hours, not even a full work day.

Yeah no, your wife is not your nanny. If that’s the plan, you discuss it with her.

I am a wife who works and brings in the lion share of our income. What a silly response. Yes, the parent on leave actually cares for the children. What a strange world you must live in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s nuts that in 2025, the sahm position is that taking care of two young kids, one of whom goes to daycare, is beyond the capacity of the stay at home parent, and this can only be reasonably managed with childcare.

I am fascinated and disgusted that some women have not only convinced their husbands that there is so much value in the work done by a stay at home mom that they shouldn’t work out of the house, but also that their husbands should go out of pocket to pay for childcare and house cleaners while their wives perform this apparently imperative function. (I understand ops wife is on maternity leave and planning to go back to work, so it’s not exactly the situation here. But there are lots of posters suggesting that op is expecting too much of her to watch two kids on a day when she is not working - so same sentiment).

you’re fascinated and disgusted that a woman wants support caring for two small children one of whom is an infant possibly breastfeeding? And you then wonder why women are declining to have lots of babies? Come on.

I’m a woman and find it this strange. The older kid is in full day daycare most days. I have no issue with women opting out of having kids, but I do think it’s odd to try and opt out of the ones you do have.

Oh, so asking for some help from the other parent of your infant and preschooler is “opting out” of childcare? GTFO.

Yes, complaining about the spouse giving a presentation to the c-suite on the first day you have to take care of both kids solo is pathetic. Embarrassingly so.

if he failed to even communicate and work out a plan with her - and just silently expected her to do it all - then yes, he’s being a sh*tty user. The message is “you are my nanny and I control the division of labor in the household.”

If OP had taken a moment to be RESPECTFUL of his wife and coordinate the day, then he wouldn’t be here right now.

You are kidding right? The plan is the parent who is not working that day takes care of the kids. It was 5 hours, not even a full work day.

Yeah no, your wife is not your nanny. If that’s the plan, you discuss it with her.

I am a wife who works and brings in the lion share of our income. What a silly response. Yes, the parent on leave actually cares for the children. What a strange world you must live in.

you’re not reading what I wrote. of course it makes sense that she did the childcare while he worked. The problem would be if there was no conversation about it letting her know that today he’d likely be unable to interact the way he usually does during the day. And the broader context is that she’s going back to work in a month. is he also going to silently expect her to be the one to take all the snow days? Sounds like it.

[Anonymous]

When they had a second baby, nothing changed for him.

When she goes back to work, nothing is going to change for him.

She’s going to look around at her own decimated personal life and tend a rage fire. They are likely to get divorced and he will just be like, “what happened?”

[Anonymous]

A three month old is still so young the mom is still physically recovering from pregnancy childbirth and maybe breastfeeding and someone probably the mom is waking up 2-3 times a night.

Did op take any paternity leave? Does he do any nighttime wake ups? Did she have a c-section? Is she breastfeeding? Postpartum complications?

Is his salary high enough that they can hire help?

I would hire help for the first three months if the dad isn’t taking any paternity leave. Whether that’s a night nanny or an after school helper to get you through to dinner.

Op is doing a lot of work here to defend himself and look good and not much delving into solutions to the issues his family is struggling with. It certainly drew out all the mra folks, who are strangely certain any woman would actually want to have their babies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s nuts that in 2025, the sahm position is that taking care of two young kids, one of whom goes to daycare, is beyond the capacity of the stay at home parent, and this can only be reasonably managed with childcare.

I am fascinated and disgusted that some women have not only convinced their husbands that there is so much value in the work done by a stay at home mom that they shouldn’t work out of the house, but also that their husbands should go out of pocket to pay for childcare and house cleaners while their wives perform this apparently imperative function. (I understand ops wife is on maternity leave and planning to go back to work, so it’s not exactly the situation here. But there are lots of posters suggesting that op is expecting too much of her to watch two kids on a day when she is not working - so same sentiment).

you’re fascinated and disgusted that a woman wants support caring for two small children one of whom is an infant possibly breastfeeding? And you then wonder why women are declining to have lots of babies? Come on.

I’m a woman and find it this strange. The older kid is in full day daycare most days. I have no issue with women opting out of having kids, but I do think it’s odd to try and opt out of the ones you do have.

Oh, so asking for some help from the other parent of your infant and preschooler is “opting out” of childcare? GTFO.

Yes, complaining about the spouse giving a presentation to the c-suite on the first day you have to take care of both kids solo is pathetic. Embarrassingly so.

if he failed to even communicate and work out a plan with her - and just silently expected her to do it all - then yes, he’s being a sh*tty user. The message is “you are my nanny and I control the division of labor in the household.”

If OP had taken a moment to be RESPECTFUL of his wife and coordinate the day, then he wouldn’t be here right now.

You are kidding right? The plan is the parent who is not working that day takes care of the kids. It was 5 hours, not even a full work day.

Yeah no, your wife is not your nanny. If that’s the plan, you discuss it with her.

I am a wife who works and brings in the lion share of our income. What a silly response. Yes, the parent on leave actually cares for the children. What a strange world you must live in.

you’re not reading what I wrote. of course it makes sense that she did the childcare while he worked. The problem would be if there was no conversation about it letting her know that today he’d likely be unable to interact the way he usually does during the day. And the broader context is that she’s going back to work in a month. is he also going to silently expect her to be the one to take all the snow days? Sounds like it.

Listen, we can only advise since he is the one writing. But I have a very low threshold for someone who sends passive aggressive texts in the middle of the work day and refuses to engage in any conversation herself. OP’s wife is an adult and this is her second rodeo. If she’s worried about her return to work, she’d be much better off speaking about that than getting worried about her silent husband and stewing, making unreasonable demands, etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s nuts that in 2025, the sahm position is that taking care of two young kids, one of whom goes to daycare, is beyond the capacity of the stay at home parent, and this can only be reasonably managed with childcare.

I am fascinated and disgusted that some women have not only convinced their husbands that there is so much value in the work done by a stay at home mom that they shouldn’t work out of the house, but also that their husbands should go out of pocket to pay for childcare and house cleaners while their wives perform this apparently imperative function. (I understand ops wife is on maternity leave and planning to go back to work, so it’s not exactly the situation here. But there are lots of posters suggesting that op is expecting too much of her to watch two kids on a day when she is not working - so same sentiment).

If you haven't done the job, STFU about the value of the job. This is the most asinine nonsense, and it gets trotted out anytime anyone says "SAHM".

It's not just the workload, it's the isolation, the lack of respect (which you've clearly got, to excess), the pseudo-monotony where everything is the same and boring until it's VERY EXCITING because your kid fell or put a sandwich in the dryer, or puked, or just decided to throw a tantrum over goldfish crackers and is now having a level-five meltdown for what reasonable people would call no reason...

Don't be a POS about a job you've never done. You probably wouldn't last a week, let alone 3 months, and that's without the wild ride that is postpartum hormones.

DP. Many of us posting have actually taken care of small kids, without a husband who stopped work at 5:30, handled the morning shift, and a daycare for the older kid. That’s why these posts telling OP to get even more care (while she’s on maternity leave?) make no sense.

Translation: It was hard for me so it should be hard for everyone!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a woman and I think your wife is totally off base. Maybe she's tired of being home for three months with a newborn (likely she's not sleeping through the night yet?) and is staring down the end of her maternity leave, so perhaps she's not thinking straight.

Your situation seems pretty ideal to me. I am often at my desk for 5 straight hours (or more!) so I think your job is incredibly flexible. Does she want to go back to work? Does she work outside of the house or does she telework like you?

Okay, Pickmesha

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s nuts that in 2025, the sahm position is that taking care of two young kids, one of whom goes to daycare, is beyond the capacity of the stay at home parent, and this can only be reasonably managed with childcare.

I am fascinated and disgusted that some women have not only convinced their husbands that there is so much value in the work done by a stay at home mom that they shouldn’t work out of the house, but also that their husbands should go out of pocket to pay for childcare and house cleaners while their wives perform this apparently imperative function. (I understand ops wife is on maternity leave and planning to go back to work, so it’s not exactly the situation here. But there are lots of posters suggesting that op is expecting too much of her to watch two kids on a day when she is not working - so same sentiment).

If you haven't done the job, STFU about the value of the job. This is the most asinine nonsense, and it gets trotted out anytime anyone says "SAHM".

It's not just the workload, it's the isolation, the lack of respect (which you've clearly got, to excess), the pseudo-monotony where everything is the same and boring until it's VERY EXCITING because your kid fell or put a sandwich in the dryer, or puked, or just decided to throw a tantrum over goldfish crackers and is now having a level-five meltdown for what reasonable people would call no reason...

Don't be a POS about a job you've never done. You probably wouldn't last a week, let alone 3 months, and that's without the wild ride that is postpartum hormones.

DP. Many of us posting have actually taken care of small kids, without a husband who stopped work at 5:30, handled the morning shift, and a daycare for the older kid. That’s why these posts telling OP to get even more care (while she’s on maternity leave?) make no sense.

Translation: It was hard for me so it should be hard for everyone!

Translation: this is life with small kids. It’s just a hard stage of life. Parents of young really stretch at this time. That’s life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s nuts that in 2025, the sahm position is that taking care of two young kids, one of whom goes to daycare, is beyond the capacity of the stay at home parent, and this can only be reasonably managed with childcare.

I am fascinated and disgusted that some women have not only convinced their husbands that there is so much value in the work done by a stay at home mom that they shouldn’t work out of the house, but also that their husbands should go out of pocket to pay for childcare and house cleaners while their wives perform this apparently imperative function. (I understand ops wife is on maternity leave and planning to go back to work, so it’s not exactly the situation here. But there are lots of posters suggesting that op is expecting too much of her to watch two kids on a day when she is not working - so same sentiment).

you’re fascinated and disgusted that a woman wants support caring for two small children one of whom is an infant possibly breastfeeding? And you then wonder why women are declining to have lots of babies? Come on.

I’m a woman and find it this strange. The older kid is in full day daycare most days. I have no issue with women opting out of having kids, but I do think it’s odd to try and opt out of the ones you do have.

Oh, so asking for some help from the other parent of your infant and preschooler is “opting out” of childcare? GTFO.

Yes, complaining about the spouse giving a presentation to the c-suite on the first day you have to take care of both kids solo is pathetic. Embarrassingly so.

if he failed to even communicate and work out a plan with her - and just silently expected her to do it all - then yes, he’s being a sh*tty user. The message is “you are my nanny and I control the division of labor in the household.”

If OP had taken a moment to be RESPECTFUL of his wife and coordinate the day, then he wouldn’t be here right now.

You are kidding right? The plan is the parent who is not working that day takes care of the kids. It was 5 hours, not even a full work day.

Yeah no, your wife is not your nanny. If that’s the plan, you discuss it with her.

I am a wife who works and brings in the lion share of our income. What a silly response. Yes, the parent on leave actually cares for the children. What a strange world you must live in.

you’re not reading what I wrote. of course it makes sense that she did the childcare while he worked. The problem would be if there was no conversation about it letting her know that today he’d likely be unable to interact the way he usually does during the day. And the broader context is that she’s going back to work in a month. is he also going to silently expect her to be the one to take all the snow days? Sounds like it.

You’re actually suggesting that when you have a working spouse and a spouse on maternity leave not currently working, the couple needs to have a discussion about who is going to watch the children on a snow day?? When one of the parents has no fixed obligations that day, and the other one does have obligations? Like there’s a discussion to be had? You ladies are absolutely bonkers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to see your wife's perspective. She's postpartum and sleep deprived and you should be more understanding. Stop thinking of what you do as "helping out"-- that means you see the household and the kids as primarily her responsibility. Think of it as doing a fair share and being a good parent, which is both of your responsibility. Her day was disrupted and made much more difficult, and you just shrugged and left her to it? Yeah, that's not being a good husband.

She wants to pick up the 4yo at a consistent time because she's tired of being functionally alone at home with a baby. And because she wants to start the evening routine, because there's dinner and whatever else such as bath, and then she has to nurse, and then bedtime which can be difficult, and then it isn't very long until she has to wake up in the night. It's almost as if-- get this-- there are two shifts in the day and at 5 PM she's starting her second shift.

She's thinking about going back to work. She's thinking how will all the household and parenting stuff get done-- that's why she's sensitive with you about household chores. Are you thinking about these things? Because you should be. If you're constantly claiming that you can't stop work on time, does she also get to work late and have you pick up the slack? Does she also get to go on multi-day work trips? Because it seems like you're claiming a lot of priority and flexibility for yourself here, and it doesn't even occur to you that this is a two-way street.

+1. Refusing to even try to coordinate a defined stopping time to hand off childcare is basically saying that OP is more important than his wife. Obviously OP needs some flexibility in case something comes up at 4:55, but it’s not actually hard to have a hard stop at a specific time. OP dismissing this conveys an attitude that his job comes first and hers second. I realize that she’s on maternity leave but I think the attitude still rankles and will likely still be there when she returns to work.

Now it seems possible that with coworkers on the West coast, it may not be feasible to stop work at 5pm ET when things are still in full swing there. In that case OP needs to be a big boy and have a discussion with his wife about how to coordinate.

OP powers down at 5, could be 5:05-5:10 if he's typing a last email, which I think is completely reasonable. For example, we pick up our kids from daycare at 5:30. Sometimes we walk out the door at 5 and grab them at 5:20, sometimes we walk out at 5:10 and grab them at 5:30, some days we leave at 5 and hit every single light and grab them at 5:30. OP's wife biyatching about 5-10 minutes is *insane*.

Only if you actually believe it is “just” 5-10 minutes. Remember that OP said at the start he “used to have work-life balance issues.” I bet anything that it’s more like 15-30-45 minutes (whatever HE decides it should be) and that is a big deal. And of course the context is that she is going back to work, so she’s trying to figure out how to make that work in the face of his possible unwillingness to stick to a schedule.

I’m also not sure what additional past issues they had or if they were as bad as in my house. But at certain times I had to exert what probably seemed to be an “insane” overreaction in order to get my exDH to be even minimally responsible for anything. So yeah, it could come down to really needing to insist that “no, it HAS to be 5pm, every single day” because otherwise my exDH would take advantage and it would slide to 5:30 then 6:30 then “oh I can’t do pickup today, can you do it?” Then before you know it, boom, I’m doing drop-off and pickup most days even though I also work FT. So yeah there was a tantrum in there once or twice when exDH said (from bed) “Oh can’t YOU take him to school this morning?”

💯 this. Drawing some hard lines is the only way to get through. Otherwise everything will creep into the wife's plate because he thinks he's just toooo special to stop work, which is what he expects her to do. A "memorably unpleasant conversation" may have to be repeated a few times but eventually it will sink in.

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Anonymous wrote:It’s nuts that in 2025, the sahm position is that taking care of two young kids, one of whom goes to daycare, is beyond the capacity of the stay at home parent, and this can only be reasonably managed with childcare.

I am fascinated and disgusted that some women have not only convinced their husbands that there is so much value in the work done by a stay at home mom that they shouldn’t work out of the house, but also that their husbands should go out of pocket to pay for childcare and house cleaners while their wives perform this apparently imperative function. (I understand ops wife is on maternity leave and planning to go back to work, so it’s not exactly the situation here. But there are lots of posters suggesting that op is expecting too much of her to watch two kids on a day when she is not working - so same sentiment).

you’re fascinated and disgusted that a woman wants support caring for two small children one of whom is an infant possibly breastfeeding? And you then wonder why women are declining to have lots of babies? Come on.

I’m a woman and find it this strange. The older kid is in full day daycare most days. I have no issue with women opting out of having kids, but I do think it’s odd to try and opt out of the ones you do have.

Oh, so asking for some help from the other parent of your infant and preschooler is “opting out” of childcare? GTFO.

Yes, complaining about the spouse giving a presentation to the c-suite on the first day you have to take care of both kids solo is pathetic. Embarrassingly so.

if he failed to even communicate and work out a plan with her - and just silently expected her to do it all - then yes, he’s being a sh*tty user. The message is “you are my nanny and I control the division of labor in the household.”

If OP had taken a moment to be RESPECTFUL of his wife and coordinate the day, then he wouldn’t be here right now.

You are kidding right? The plan is the parent who is not working that day takes care of the kids. It was 5 hours, not even a full work day.

Yeah no, your wife is not your nanny. If that’s the plan, you discuss it with her.

I am a wife who works and brings in the lion share of our income. What a silly response. Yes, the parent on leave actually cares for the children. What a strange world you must live in.

you’re not reading what I wrote. of course it makes sense that she did the childcare while he worked. The problem would be if there was no conversation about it letting her know that today he’d likely be unable to interact the way he usually does during the day. And the broader context is that she’s going back to work in a month. is he also going to silently expect her to be the one to take all the snow days? Sounds like it.

You’re actually suggesting that when you have a working spouse and a spouse on maternity leave not currently working, the couple needs to have a discussion about who is going to watch the children on a snow day?? When one of the parents has no fixed obligations that day, and the other one does have obligations? Like there’s a discussion to be had? You ladies are absolutely bonkers.

Yes, because they're a married couple and care about each other and care about their kids. Her day just got way harder and he thinks he doesn't have to lift a finger? No thank you. He can step up. Not just ignore her and proceed with his day. It's really rude.

The ages of the kids are not snow day compatible, the 4yo should get to play in the snow but an infant shouldn't be outside that long. And it's hard to keep a 4yo quiet during all three infant naps. Being a good parent means the dad steps up to handle some of this.