Oooops…MIL accidentally left me a voicemail

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother in law. I’d try to just let this go.

Maybe next time you are together you can bring it up in a friendly way. “That voicemail you left - what was that comment about? If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings.”

In the scheme of things though, her comment wasn’t that awful. Taken in the most grace-giving light, it could be a comment on the intensity/work of hosting these things and not a referendum on you at all. With family, giving grace is generally a good thing.

OP here. Where’s the grace for me, who has once again said yes, when asked, to host multiple houseguests and do a ton of work for Thanksgiving? Where is my grace?

DH is really upset and said he is going to call his today. I think he’s more hurt than I am.

It comes when you f$& up, that’s how grace works! You’re talking about gratitude, which you also probably get for hosting, to your face. I mean good lord. This comment was a nothingburger and meant for someone else. You can’t go around with skin this thin.

Well apparently I’ve “f-ed up” by thinking I’m “up to hosting,” but I get no grace for any missteps I’ve made that no one has even told me about.

I honestly don’t get why you’re so upset about this. I would barely blink. It’s just a snarky comment between a mother and daughter. It doesn’t mean you made a misstep, in fact it probably means you do great and they’re just being catty about it. Either way, who cares? People are catty. They were wrong, but it’s just not a big deal. You weren’t supposed to hear it. I’m sure the MIL is mortified. If you give her a chance, there’s probably a better apology coming.

But if you’re really this upset about this comment, you might not be the easy breezy host you think you are. Because that’s a pretty high level of panty twist. I mean, “where’s my grace?” If I were your SIL in this situation, and I read dcum and that you said that, I would be making fun with my mother forever. And yes it would be wrong and I’d be mortified if you found out.

People who take on the lion’s share of hosting, at the request of others, do not deserve snark or cattiness. And if you get caught being snarky and catty in such a situation—yes, people are fallible, after all—you immediately call with a sincere apology, an explanation, and a promise to do better in the future. What you don’t do is reply with an emoji. MIL is clearly not “mortified” as she has taken no steps to apologize.

OP I suggest DH text MIL and SIL both, first a recording of the voice mail, and then a message—“Julie and I aren’t hosting this year, or going forward. We agree with you that Julie just isn’t up to it. We’ll show up with a pie, just let us know who will be hosting from now on.”

It's surprising to me how willing some people are to dial things up to 11. It sounds like OP enjoys hosting large family gatherings and that many people (cousins, etc, but probably also MIL and SIL) appreciate this. Should she stop hosting forever because MIL said one stupid thing? Should a long and generally good relationship with MIL be blown up over this? To what end? Also I will point out that SIL is getting some blame from OP and others here but hasn't actually done anything wrong.

If this is your perspective, why aren’t you asking: If they have a good relationship, why is MIL willing to jeopardize it over a mistake, instead of owning up to it and apologizing? Why is she hiding behind and emoji like a tween rather than picking up the phone and saying I know how that came across, and I am sorry and thank you so much for all you do to host. It’s so interesting that OP is the one who had something done to her, but you are putting it on OP to fix rather than on MIL. If it’s all so very simple, a simple apology should suffice, yes?

This x100
OP is the one hurt here. Why is it OP's responsibility to make things right

Ok. What should OP do if MIL doesn't make things right?

This is one of those situations where it's smart to ask yourself: do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? If OP can be right AND happy, great! But if she can't have both, she will need to decide. Yes, that will be on her.

NP. If MIL doesn’t make things right, then I think DH should make this very easy: “Upon reflection of your doubts that we can ‘pull this off,’ Sally and I have decided we can’t. We look forward to either you or Hillary hosting and we’ll take notes to see how it’s done. Let us know if you want us to bring a bottle of wine or a pie.”

Ridiculous.

dp It is not ridiculous. I wouldn't even celebrate with them if MIL doesn't make it right. I would do my own thing.

So shoot first and ask questions later? What’s so hard about calling MIL up or having the son do it to clarify what’s going on? There is zero harm in doing that.

You did not read what I wrote. IF mil does not make it right...meaning if after dh or op has talked to MIL and she still hasn't apologized than I would cancel. There is no way I would want them at my table knowing what they really think.

And btw, if it was really just a comment to make SIL feel better she would have waited until she actually talked to her rather than leave a message.

You assume she needs to make it right without knowing what was meant. Maybe approach this without a chip on the shoulder and an open heart. Will probably be a lot more successful that way.

What are you talking about? MIL knows exactly what she did by sending the embarrassed emoji. Why would anyone want to spend time with this type of 'family' Everything is good to your face and behind your back they are tearing you down. That isn't a 'chip on your shoulder' It is basic human decency to apologize when you say a mean comment to your family members. If they can't do that than no I do not want to spend time with a fake person.

Maybe read the OP and stop projecting your own issues. Per OP she has a good relationship and has been hosting dinners for years. And now people like you are suggesting to blow it all up and never see them again? Over an emoji and what could be a simple misunderstanding? How does that make sense? This isn’t you and your MIL we’re talking about.

Maybe you should read what I wrote too. I am not projecting as this scenario. It has nothing to do with me. If you go back you will see that op and her dh need to give his mom the opportunity to apologize for her actions. If she apologizes and I felt like hosting I would host. I would accept a sincere apology but, to be honest I wouldn't trust her again because she shared her true feelings.

But, if she did not apologize I wouldn't be a door mat anymore. I hate people who treat as if everything is great to your face but, their real feelings are different. Why would you want to be around those types of people just because they are family? No way!

I don’t care about you or your problems. OP is the one asking for advice on how to handle.

Now whose the 8 year old? Or maybe 4? I am talking about op's problems and how I see it. Problem is you don't have a reply so you try to shut me down. HA HA HA

Ok. Bye.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother in law. I’d try to just let this go.

Maybe next time you are together you can bring it up in a friendly way. “That voicemail you left - what was that comment about? If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings.”

In the scheme of things though, her comment wasn’t that awful. Taken in the most grace-giving light, it could be a comment on the intensity/work of hosting these things and not a referendum on you at all. With family, giving grace is generally a good thing.

OP here. Where’s the grace for me, who has once again said yes, when asked, to host multiple houseguests and do a ton of work for Thanksgiving? Where is my grace?

DH is really upset and said he is going to call his today. I think he’s more hurt than I am.

It comes when you f$& up, that’s how grace works! You’re talking about gratitude, which you also probably get for hosting, to your face. I mean good lord. This comment was a nothingburger and meant for someone else. You can’t go around with skin this thin.

Well apparently I’ve “f-ed up” by thinking I’m “up to hosting,” but I get no grace for any missteps I’ve made that no one has even told me about.

I honestly don’t get why you’re so upset about this. I would barely blink. It’s just a snarky comment between a mother and daughter. It doesn’t mean you made a misstep, in fact it probably means you do great and they’re just being catty about it. Either way, who cares? People are catty. They were wrong, but it’s just not a big deal. You weren’t supposed to hear it. I’m sure the MIL is mortified. If you give her a chance, there’s probably a better apology coming.

But if you’re really this upset about this comment, you might not be the easy breezy host you think you are. Because that’s a pretty high level of panty twist. I mean, “where’s my grace?” If I were your SIL in this situation, and I read dcum and that you said that, I would be making fun with my mother forever. And yes it would be wrong and I’d be mortified if you found out.

People who take on the lion’s share of hosting, at the request of others, do not deserve snark or cattiness. And if you get caught being snarky and catty in such a situation—yes, people are fallible, after all—you immediately call with a sincere apology, an explanation, and a promise to do better in the future. What you don’t do is reply with an emoji. MIL is clearly not “mortified” as she has taken no steps to apologize.

OP I suggest DH text MIL and SIL both, first a recording of the voice mail, and then a message—“Julie and I aren’t hosting this year, or going forward. We agree with you that Julie just isn’t up to it. We’ll show up with a pie, just let us know who will be hosting from now on.”

It's surprising to me how willing some people are to dial things up to 11. It sounds like OP enjoys hosting large family gatherings and that many people (cousins, etc, but probably also MIL and SIL) appreciate this. Should she stop hosting forever because MIL said one stupid thing? Should a long and generally good relationship with MIL be blown up over this? To what end? Also I will point out that SIL is getting some blame from OP and others here but hasn't actually done anything wrong.

If this is your perspective, why aren’t you asking: If they have a good relationship, why is MIL willing to jeopardize it over a mistake, instead of owning up to it and apologizing? Why is she hiding behind and emoji like a tween rather than picking up the phone and saying I know how that came across, and I am sorry and thank you so much for all you do to host. It’s so interesting that OP is the one who had something done to her, but you are putting it on OP to fix rather than on MIL. If it’s all so very simple, a simple apology should suffice, yes?

This x100
OP is the one hurt here. Why is it OP's responsibility to make things right

Ok. What should OP do if MIL doesn't make things right?

This is one of those situations where it's smart to ask yourself: do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? If OP can be right AND happy, great! But if she can't have both, she will need to decide. Yes, that will be on her.

NP. If MIL doesn’t make things right, then I think DH should make this very easy: “Upon reflection of your doubts that we can ‘pull this off,’ Sally and I have decided we can’t. We look forward to either you or Hillary hosting and we’ll take notes to see how it’s done. Let us know if you want us to bring a bottle of wine or a pie.”

Ridiculous.

dp It is not ridiculous. I wouldn't even celebrate with them if MIL doesn't make it right. I would do my own thing.

So shoot first and ask questions later? What’s so hard about calling MIL up or having the son do it to clarify what’s going on? There is zero harm in doing that.

You did not read what I wrote. IF mil does not make it right...meaning if after dh or op has talked to MIL and she still hasn't apologized than I would cancel. There is no way I would want them at my table knowing what they really think.

And btw, if it was really just a comment to make SIL feel better she would have waited until she actually talked to her rather than leave a message.

You assume she needs to make it right without knowing what was meant. Maybe approach this without a chip on the shoulder and an open heart. Will probably be a lot more successful that way.

What are you talking about? MIL knows exactly what she did by sending the embarrassed emoji. Why would anyone want to spend time with this type of 'family' Everything is good to your face and behind your back they are tearing you down. That isn't a 'chip on your shoulder' It is basic human decency to apologize when you say a mean comment to your family members. If they can't do that than no I do not want to spend time with a fake person.

Maybe read the OP and stop projecting your own issues. Per OP she has a good relationship and has been hosting dinners for years. And now people like you are suggesting to blow it all up and never see them again? Over an emoji and what could be a simple misunderstanding? How does that make sense? This isn’t you and your MIL we’re talking about.

Maybe you should read what I wrote too. I am not projecting as this scenario. It has nothing to do with me. If you go back you will see that op and her dh need to give his mom the opportunity to apologize for her actions. If she apologizes and I felt like hosting I would host. I would accept a sincere apology but, to be honest I wouldn't trust her again because she shared her true feelings.

But, if she did not apologize I wouldn't be a door mat anymore. I hate people who treat as if everything is great to your face but, their real feelings are different. Why would you want to be around those types of people just because they are family? No way!

Are you actually saying you have never in your life vented about anyone? You have never had a negative thought or feeling about anyone in your life? Every thought you have ever had about everyone in your family and close friend circle has always been 100% positive about everything they have ever done? I don't believe you. You are human too and not as perfect as you think you are. saying you wouldn't want to be around an imperfect person is ridiculous. Everyone has said / texted things that aren't 100% positive about people they love and care about. Get off your pedestal. You aren't perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother in law. I’d try to just let this go.

Maybe next time you are together you can bring it up in a friendly way. “That voicemail you left - what was that comment about? If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings.”

In the scheme of things though, her comment wasn’t that awful. Taken in the most grace-giving light, it could be a comment on the intensity/work of hosting these things and not a referendum on you at all. With family, giving grace is generally a good thing.

OP here. Where’s the grace for me, who has once again said yes, when asked, to host multiple houseguests and do a ton of work for Thanksgiving? Where is my grace?

DH is really upset and said he is going to call his today. I think he’s more hurt than I am.

It comes when you f$& up, that’s how grace works! You’re talking about gratitude, which you also probably get for hosting, to your face. I mean good lord. This comment was a nothingburger and meant for someone else. You can’t go around with skin this thin.

Well apparently I’ve “f-ed up” by thinking I’m “up to hosting,” but I get no grace for any missteps I’ve made that no one has even told me about.

I honestly don’t get why you’re so upset about this. I would barely blink. It’s just a snarky comment between a mother and daughter. It doesn’t mean you made a misstep, in fact it probably means you do great and they’re just being catty about it. Either way, who cares? People are catty. They were wrong, but it’s just not a big deal. You weren’t supposed to hear it. I’m sure the MIL is mortified. If you give her a chance, there’s probably a better apology coming.

But if you’re really this upset about this comment, you might not be the easy breezy host you think you are. Because that’s a pretty high level of panty twist. I mean, “where’s my grace?” If I were your SIL in this situation, and I read dcum and that you said that, I would be making fun with my mother forever. And yes it would be wrong and I’d be mortified if you found out.

People who take on the lion’s share of hosting, at the request of others, do not deserve snark or cattiness. And if you get caught being snarky and catty in such a situation—yes, people are fallible, after all—you immediately call with a sincere apology, an explanation, and a promise to do better in the future. What you don’t do is reply with an emoji. MIL is clearly not “mortified” as she has taken no steps to apologize.

OP I suggest DH text MIL and SIL both, first a recording of the voice mail, and then a message—“Julie and I aren’t hosting this year, or going forward. We agree with you that Julie just isn’t up to it. We’ll show up with a pie, just let us know who will be hosting from now on.”

It's surprising to me how willing some people are to dial things up to 11. It sounds like OP enjoys hosting large family gatherings and that many people (cousins, etc, but probably also MIL and SIL) appreciate this. Should she stop hosting forever because MIL said one stupid thing? Should a long and generally good relationship with MIL be blown up over this? To what end? Also I will point out that SIL is getting some blame from OP and others here but hasn't actually done anything wrong.

If this is your perspective, why aren’t you asking: If they have a good relationship, why is MIL willing to jeopardize it over a mistake, instead of owning up to it and apologizing? Why is she hiding behind and emoji like a tween rather than picking up the phone and saying I know how that came across, and I am sorry and thank you so much for all you do to host. It’s so interesting that OP is the one who had something done to her, but you are putting it on OP to fix rather than on MIL. If it’s all so very simple, a simple apology should suffice, yes?

This x100
OP is the one hurt here. Why is it OP's responsibility to make things right

Ok. What should OP do if MIL doesn't make things right?

This is one of those situations where it's smart to ask yourself: do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? If OP can be right AND happy, great! But if she can't have both, she will need to decide. Yes, that will be on her.

NP. If MIL doesn’t make things right, then I think DH should make this very easy: “Upon reflection of your doubts that we can ‘pull this off,’ Sally and I have decided we can’t. We look forward to either you or Hillary hosting and we’ll take notes to see how it’s done. Let us know if you want us to bring a bottle of wine or a pie.”

Ridiculous.

dp It is not ridiculous. I wouldn't even celebrate with them if MIL doesn't make it right. I would do my own thing.

So shoot first and ask questions later? What’s so hard about calling MIL up or having the son do it to clarify what’s going on? There is zero harm in doing that.

You did not read what I wrote. IF mil does not make it right...meaning if after dh or op has talked to MIL and she still hasn't apologized than I would cancel. There is no way I would want them at my table knowing what they really think.

And btw, if it was really just a comment to make SIL feel better she would have waited until she actually talked to her rather than leave a message.

You assume she needs to make it right without knowing what was meant. Maybe approach this without a chip on the shoulder and an open heart. Will probably be a lot more successful that way.

What are you talking about? MIL knows exactly what she did by sending the embarrassed emoji. Why would anyone want to spend time with this type of 'family' Everything is good to your face and behind your back they are tearing you down. That isn't a 'chip on your shoulder' It is basic human decency to apologize when you say a mean comment to your family members. If they can't do that than no I do not want to spend time with a fake person.

Maybe read the OP and stop projecting your own issues. Per OP she has a good relationship and has been hosting dinners for years. And now people like you are suggesting to blow it all up and never see them again? Over an emoji and what could be a simple misunderstanding? How does that make sense? This isn’t you and your MIL we’re talking about.

Maybe you should read what I wrote too. I am not projecting as this scenario. It has nothing to do with me. If you go back you will see that op and her dh need to give his mom the opportunity to apologize for her actions. If she apologizes and I felt like hosting I would host. I would accept a sincere apology but, to be honest I wouldn't trust her again because she shared her true feelings.

But, if she did not apologize I wouldn't be a door mat anymore. I hate people who treat as if everything is great to your face but, their real feelings are different. Why would you want to be around those types of people just because they are family? No way!

I don’t care about you or your problems. OP is the one asking for advice on how to handle.

Now whose the 8 year old? Or maybe 4? I am talking about op's problems and how I see it. Problem is you don't have a reply so you try to shut me down. HA HA HA

Ok. Bye.

YOU FIRST.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother in law. I’d try to just let this go.

Maybe next time you are together you can bring it up in a friendly way. “That voicemail you left - what was that comment about? If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings.”

In the scheme of things though, her comment wasn’t that awful. Taken in the most grace-giving light, it could be a comment on the intensity/work of hosting these things and not a referendum on you at all. With family, giving grace is generally a good thing.

OP here. Where’s the grace for me, who has once again said yes, when asked, to host multiple houseguests and do a ton of work for Thanksgiving? Where is my grace?

DH is really upset and said he is going to call his today. I think he’s more hurt than I am.

It comes when you f$& up, that’s how grace works! You’re talking about gratitude, which you also probably get for hosting, to your face. I mean good lord. This comment was a nothingburger and meant for someone else. You can’t go around with skin this thin.

Well apparently I’ve “f-ed up” by thinking I’m “up to hosting,” but I get no grace for any missteps I’ve made that no one has even told me about.

I honestly don’t get why you’re so upset about this. I would barely blink. It’s just a snarky comment between a mother and daughter. It doesn’t mean you made a misstep, in fact it probably means you do great and they’re just being catty about it. Either way, who cares? People are catty. They were wrong, but it’s just not a big deal. You weren’t supposed to hear it. I’m sure the MIL is mortified. If you give her a chance, there’s probably a better apology coming.

But if you’re really this upset about this comment, you might not be the easy breezy host you think you are. Because that’s a pretty high level of panty twist. I mean, “where’s my grace?” If I were your SIL in this situation, and I read dcum and that you said that, I would be making fun with my mother forever. And yes it would be wrong and I’d be mortified if you found out.

People who take on the lion’s share of hosting, at the request of others, do not deserve snark or cattiness. And if you get caught being snarky and catty in such a situation—yes, people are fallible, after all—you immediately call with a sincere apology, an explanation, and a promise to do better in the future. What you don’t do is reply with an emoji. MIL is clearly not “mortified” as she has taken no steps to apologize.

OP I suggest DH text MIL and SIL both, first a recording of the voice mail, and then a message—“Julie and I aren’t hosting this year, or going forward. We agree with you that Julie just isn’t up to it. We’ll show up with a pie, just let us know who will be hosting from now on.”

It's surprising to me how willing some people are to dial things up to 11. It sounds like OP enjoys hosting large family gatherings and that many people (cousins, etc, but probably also MIL and SIL) appreciate this. Should she stop hosting forever because MIL said one stupid thing? Should a long and generally good relationship with MIL be blown up over this? To what end? Also I will point out that SIL is getting some blame from OP and others here but hasn't actually done anything wrong.

If this is your perspective, why aren’t you asking: If they have a good relationship, why is MIL willing to jeopardize it over a mistake, instead of owning up to it and apologizing? Why is she hiding behind and emoji like a tween rather than picking up the phone and saying I know how that came across, and I am sorry and thank you so much for all you do to host. It’s so interesting that OP is the one who had something done to her, but you are putting it on OP to fix rather than on MIL. If it’s all so very simple, a simple apology should suffice, yes?

This x100
OP is the one hurt here. Why is it OP's responsibility to make things right

Ok. What should OP do if MIL doesn't make things right?

This is one of those situations where it's smart to ask yourself: do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? If OP can be right AND happy, great! But if she can't have both, she will need to decide. Yes, that will be on her.

NP. If MIL doesn’t make things right, then I think DH should make this very easy: “Upon reflection of your doubts that we can ‘pull this off,’ Sally and I have decided we can’t. We look forward to either you or Hillary hosting and we’ll take notes to see how it’s done. Let us know if you want us to bring a bottle of wine or a pie.”

Ridiculous.

dp It is not ridiculous. I wouldn't even celebrate with them if MIL doesn't make it right. I would do my own thing.

So shoot first and ask questions later? What’s so hard about calling MIL up or having the son do it to clarify what’s going on? There is zero harm in doing that.

You did not read what I wrote. IF mil does not make it right...meaning if after dh or op has talked to MIL and she still hasn't apologized than I would cancel. There is no way I would want them at my table knowing what they really think.

And btw, if it was really just a comment to make SIL feel better she would have waited until she actually talked to her rather than leave a message.

You assume she needs to make it right without knowing what was meant. Maybe approach this without a chip on the shoulder and an open heart. Will probably be a lot more successful that way.

What are you talking about? MIL knows exactly what she did by sending the embarrassed emoji. Why would anyone want to spend time with this type of 'family' Everything is good to your face and behind your back they are tearing you down. That isn't a 'chip on your shoulder' It is basic human decency to apologize when you say a mean comment to your family members. If they can't do that than no I do not want to spend time with a fake person.

Maybe read the OP and stop projecting your own issues. Per OP she has a good relationship and has been hosting dinners for years. And now people like you are suggesting to blow it all up and never see them again? Over an emoji and what could be a simple misunderstanding? How does that make sense? This isn’t you and your MIL we’re talking about.

Maybe you should read what I wrote too. I am not projecting as this scenario. It has nothing to do with me. If you go back you will see that op and her dh need to give his mom the opportunity to apologize for her actions. If she apologizes and I felt like hosting I would host. I would accept a sincere apology but, to be honest I wouldn't trust her again because she shared her true feelings.

But, if she did not apologize I wouldn't be a door mat anymore. I hate people who treat as if everything is great to your face but, their real feelings are different. Why would you want to be around those types of people just because they are family? No way!

Are you actually saying you have never in your life vented about anyone? You have never had a negative thought or feeling about anyone in your life? Every thought you have ever had about everyone in your family and close friend circle has always been 100% positive about everything they have ever done? I don't believe you. You are human too and not as perfect as you think you are. saying you wouldn't want to be around an imperfect person is ridiculous. Everyone has said / texted things that aren't 100% positive about people they love and care about. Get off your pedestal. You aren't perfect.

NP. If you do this, you better be damn sure you send your vent to the right person. I’ve seen people fired over mistakes like this. Someone at my company got an all-company message she didn’t like, meant to forward her vent to her friend, and instead replied all. Oops!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother in law. I’d try to just let this go.

Maybe next time you are together you can bring it up in a friendly way. “That voicemail you left - what was that comment about? If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings.”

In the scheme of things though, her comment wasn’t that awful. Taken in the most grace-giving light, it could be a comment on the intensity/work of hosting these things and not a referendum on you at all. With family, giving grace is generally a good thing.

OP here. Where’s the grace for me, who has once again said yes, when asked, to host multiple houseguests and do a ton of work for Thanksgiving? Where is my grace?

DH is really upset and said he is going to call his today. I think he’s more hurt than I am.

It comes when you f$& up, that’s how grace works! You’re talking about gratitude, which you also probably get for hosting, to your face. I mean good lord. This comment was a nothingburger and meant for someone else. You can’t go around with skin this thin.

Well apparently I’ve “f-ed up” by thinking I’m “up to hosting,” but I get no grace for any missteps I’ve made that no one has even told me about.

I honestly don’t get why you’re so upset about this. I would barely blink. It’s just a snarky comment between a mother and daughter. It doesn’t mean you made a misstep, in fact it probably means you do great and they’re just being catty about it. Either way, who cares? People are catty. They were wrong, but it’s just not a big deal. You weren’t supposed to hear it. I’m sure the MIL is mortified. If you give her a chance, there’s probably a better apology coming.

But if you’re really this upset about this comment, you might not be the easy breezy host you think you are. Because that’s a pretty high level of panty twist. I mean, “where’s my grace?” If I were your SIL in this situation, and I read dcum and that you said that, I would be making fun with my mother forever. And yes it would be wrong and I’d be mortified if you found out.

People who take on the lion’s share of hosting, at the request of others, do not deserve snark or cattiness. And if you get caught being snarky and catty in such a situation—yes, people are fallible, after all—you immediately call with a sincere apology, an explanation, and a promise to do better in the future. What you don’t do is reply with an emoji. MIL is clearly not “mortified” as she has taken no steps to apologize.

OP I suggest DH text MIL and SIL both, first a recording of the voice mail, and then a message—“Julie and I aren’t hosting this year, or going forward. We agree with you that Julie just isn’t up to it. We’ll show up with a pie, just let us know who will be hosting from now on.”

It's surprising to me how willing some people are to dial things up to 11. It sounds like OP enjoys hosting large family gatherings and that many people (cousins, etc, but probably also MIL and SIL) appreciate this. Should she stop hosting forever because MIL said one stupid thing? Should a long and generally good relationship with MIL be blown up over this? To what end? Also I will point out that SIL is getting some blame from OP and others here but hasn't actually done anything wrong.

If this is your perspective, why aren’t you asking: If they have a good relationship, why is MIL willing to jeopardize it over a mistake, instead of owning up to it and apologizing? Why is she hiding behind and emoji like a tween rather than picking up the phone and saying I know how that came across, and I am sorry and thank you so much for all you do to host. It’s so interesting that OP is the one who had something done to her, but you are putting it on OP to fix rather than on MIL. If it’s all so very simple, a simple apology should suffice, yes?

This x100
OP is the one hurt here. Why is it OP's responsibility to make things right

Ok. What should OP do if MIL doesn't make things right?

This is one of those situations where it's smart to ask yourself: do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? If OP can be right AND happy, great! But if she can't have both, she will need to decide. Yes, that will be on her.

NP. If MIL doesn’t make things right, then I think DH should make this very easy: “Upon reflection of your doubts that we can ‘pull this off,’ Sally and I have decided we can’t. We look forward to either you or Hillary hosting and we’ll take notes to see how it’s done. Let us know if you want us to bring a bottle of wine or a pie.”

Ridiculous.

dp It is not ridiculous. I wouldn't even celebrate with them if MIL doesn't make it right. I would do my own thing.

So shoot first and ask questions later? What’s so hard about calling MIL up or having the son do it to clarify what’s going on? There is zero harm in doing that.

You did not read what I wrote. IF mil does not make it right...meaning if after dh or op has talked to MIL and she still hasn't apologized than I would cancel. There is no way I would want them at my table knowing what they really think.

And btw, if it was really just a comment to make SIL feel better she would have waited until she actually talked to her rather than leave a message.

You assume she needs to make it right without knowing what was meant. Maybe approach this without a chip on the shoulder and an open heart. Will probably be a lot more successful that way.

What are you talking about? MIL knows exactly what she did by sending the embarrassed emoji. Why would anyone want to spend time with this type of 'family' Everything is good to your face and behind your back they are tearing you down. That isn't a 'chip on your shoulder' It is basic human decency to apologize when you say a mean comment to your family members. If they can't do that than no I do not want to spend time with a fake person.

Maybe read the OP and stop projecting your own issues. Per OP she has a good relationship and has been hosting dinners for years. And now people like you are suggesting to blow it all up and never see them again? Over an emoji and what could be a simple misunderstanding? How does that make sense? This isn’t you and your MIL we’re talking about.

Maybe you should read what I wrote too. I am not projecting as this scenario. It has nothing to do with me. If you go back you will see that op and her dh need to give his mom the opportunity to apologize for her actions. If she apologizes and I felt like hosting I would host. I would accept a sincere apology but, to be honest I wouldn't trust her again because she shared her true feelings.

But, if she did not apologize I wouldn't be a door mat anymore. I hate people who treat as if everything is great to your face but, their real feelings are different. Why would you want to be around those types of people just because they are family? No way!

Are you actually saying you have never in your life vented about anyone? You have never had a negative thought or feeling about anyone in your life? Every thought you have ever had about everyone in your family and close friend circle has always been 100% positive about everything they have ever done? I don't believe you. You are human too and not as perfect as you think you are. saying you wouldn't want to be around an imperfect person is ridiculous. Everyone has said / texted things that aren't 100% positive about people they love and care about. Get off your pedestal. You aren't perfect.

NP. If you do this, you better be damn sure you send your vent to the right person. I’ve seen people fired over mistakes like this. Someone at my company got an all-company message she didn’t like, meant to forward her vent to her friend, and instead replied all. Oops!

For sure. Work or not, I always triple check before I hit send if I think I am typing anything that someone might be hurt by. But I don't for a second think that there are people who have never vented to safe people about anyone in their life - even people they love. Their kids, spouse, parents, siblings, and in laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother in law. I’d try to just let this go.

Maybe next time you are together you can bring it up in a friendly way. “That voicemail you left - what was that comment about? If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings.”

In the scheme of things though, her comment wasn’t that awful. Taken in the most grace-giving light, it could be a comment on the intensity/work of hosting these things and not a referendum on you at all. With family, giving grace is generally a good thing.

OP here. Where’s the grace for me, who has once again said yes, when asked, to host multiple houseguests and do a ton of work for Thanksgiving? Where is my grace?

DH is really upset and said he is going to call his today. I think he’s more hurt than I am.

It comes when you f$& up, that’s how grace works! You’re talking about gratitude, which you also probably get for hosting, to your face. I mean good lord. This comment was a nothingburger and meant for someone else. You can’t go around with skin this thin.

Well apparently I’ve “f-ed up” by thinking I’m “up to hosting,” but I get no grace for any missteps I’ve made that no one has even told me about.

I honestly don’t get why you’re so upset about this. I would barely blink. It’s just a snarky comment between a mother and daughter. It doesn’t mean you made a misstep, in fact it probably means you do great and they’re just being catty about it. Either way, who cares? People are catty. They were wrong, but it’s just not a big deal. You weren’t supposed to hear it. I’m sure the MIL is mortified. If you give her a chance, there’s probably a better apology coming.

But if you’re really this upset about this comment, you might not be the easy breezy host you think you are. Because that’s a pretty high level of panty twist. I mean, “where’s my grace?” If I were your SIL in this situation, and I read dcum and that you said that, I would be making fun with my mother forever. And yes it would be wrong and I’d be mortified if you found out.

People who take on the lion’s share of hosting, at the request of others, do not deserve snark or cattiness. And if you get caught being snarky and catty in such a situation—yes, people are fallible, after all—you immediately call with a sincere apology, an explanation, and a promise to do better in the future. What you don’t do is reply with an emoji. MIL is clearly not “mortified” as she has taken no steps to apologize.

OP I suggest DH text MIL and SIL both, first a recording of the voice mail, and then a message—“Julie and I aren’t hosting this year, or going forward. We agree with you that Julie just isn’t up to it. We’ll show up with a pie, just let us know who will be hosting from now on.”

It's surprising to me how willing some people are to dial things up to 11. It sounds like OP enjoys hosting large family gatherings and that many people (cousins, etc, but probably also MIL and SIL) appreciate this. Should she stop hosting forever because MIL said one stupid thing? Should a long and generally good relationship with MIL be blown up over this? To what end? Also I will point out that SIL is getting some blame from OP and others here but hasn't actually done anything wrong.

If this is your perspective, why aren’t you asking: If they have a good relationship, why is MIL willing to jeopardize it over a mistake, instead of owning up to it and apologizing? Why is she hiding behind and emoji like a tween rather than picking up the phone and saying I know how that came across, and I am sorry and thank you so much for all you do to host. It’s so interesting that OP is the one who had something done to her, but you are putting it on OP to fix rather than on MIL. If it’s all so very simple, a simple apology should suffice, yes?

This x100
OP is the one hurt here. Why is it OP's responsibility to make things right

Ok. What should OP do if MIL doesn't make things right?

This is one of those situations where it's smart to ask yourself: do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? If OP can be right AND happy, great! But if she can't have both, she will need to decide. Yes, that will be on her.

NP. If MIL doesn’t make things right, then I think DH should make this very easy: “Upon reflection of your doubts that we can ‘pull this off,’ Sally and I have decided we can’t. We look forward to either you or Hillary hosting and we’ll take notes to see how it’s done. Let us know if you want us to bring a bottle of wine or a pie.”

Ridiculous.

dp It is not ridiculous. I wouldn't even celebrate with them if MIL doesn't make it right. I would do my own thing.

So shoot first and ask questions later? What’s so hard about calling MIL up or having the son do it to clarify what’s going on? There is zero harm in doing that.

You did not read what I wrote. IF mil does not make it right...meaning if after dh or op has talked to MIL and she still hasn't apologized than I would cancel. There is no way I would want them at my table knowing what they really think.

And btw, if it was really just a comment to make SIL feel better she would have waited until she actually talked to her rather than leave a message.

You assume she needs to make it right without knowing what was meant. Maybe approach this without a chip on the shoulder and an open heart. Will probably be a lot more successful that way.

What are you talking about? MIL knows exactly what she did by sending the embarrassed emoji. Why would anyone want to spend time with this type of 'family' Everything is good to your face and behind your back they are tearing you down. That isn't a 'chip on your shoulder' It is basic human decency to apologize when you say a mean comment to your family members. If they can't do that than no I do not want to spend time with a fake person.

Maybe read the OP and stop projecting your own issues. Per OP she has a good relationship and has been hosting dinners for years. And now people like you are suggesting to blow it all up and never see them again? Over an emoji and what could be a simple misunderstanding? How does that make sense? This isn’t you and your MIL we’re talking about.

Maybe you should read what I wrote too. I am not projecting as this scenario. It has nothing to do with me. If you go back you will see that op and her dh need to give his mom the opportunity to apologize for her actions. If she apologizes and I felt like hosting I would host. I would accept a sincere apology but, to be honest I wouldn't trust her again because she shared her true feelings.

But, if she did not apologize I wouldn't be a door mat anymore. I hate people who treat as if everything is great to your face but, their real feelings are different. Why would you want to be around those types of people just because they are family? No way!

Are you actually saying you have never in your life vented about anyone? You have never had a negative thought or feeling about anyone in your life? Every thought you have ever had about everyone in your family and close friend circle has always been 100% positive about everything they have ever done? I don't believe you. You are human too and not as perfect as you think you are. saying you wouldn't want to be around an imperfect person is ridiculous. Everyone has said / texted things that aren't 100% positive about people they love and care about. Get off your pedestal. You aren't perfect.

Where oh where did I say I was perfect? NO WHERE. If I was MIL I would have apologized once I my DIL reached out to me. If I had a good relationship I would have called her and told her how sorry I was for being mean. I would let her know that I hope we could get over my mistake.

In general, I do not gossip that way. It isn't that I am better it is just I am not wired that way. I am secure in myself that I don't need to tear anyone down. And in fact, when my mom tried to do that with my SIL I told her to stop.

If MIL can not apologize than we would have a problem

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother in law. I’d try to just let this go.

Maybe next time you are together you can bring it up in a friendly way. “That voicemail you left - what was that comment about? If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings.”

In the scheme of things though, her comment wasn’t that awful. Taken in the most grace-giving light, it could be a comment on the intensity/work of hosting these things and not a referendum on you at all. With family, giving grace is generally a good thing.

OP here. Where’s the grace for me, who has once again said yes, when asked, to host multiple houseguests and do a ton of work for Thanksgiving? Where is my grace?

DH is really upset and said he is going to call his today. I think he’s more hurt than I am.

It comes when you f$& up, that’s how grace works! You’re talking about gratitude, which you also probably get for hosting, to your face. I mean good lord. This comment was a nothingburger and meant for someone else. You can’t go around with skin this thin.

Well apparently I’ve “f-ed up” by thinking I’m “up to hosting,” but I get no grace for any missteps I’ve made that no one has even told me about.

I honestly don’t get why you’re so upset about this. I would barely blink. It’s just a snarky comment between a mother and daughter. It doesn’t mean you made a misstep, in fact it probably means you do great and they’re just being catty about it. Either way, who cares? People are catty. They were wrong, but it’s just not a big deal. You weren’t supposed to hear it. I’m sure the MIL is mortified. If you give her a chance, there’s probably a better apology coming.

But if you’re really this upset about this comment, you might not be the easy breezy host you think you are. Because that’s a pretty high level of panty twist. I mean, “where’s my grace?” If I were your SIL in this situation, and I read dcum and that you said that, I would be making fun with my mother forever. And yes it would be wrong and I’d be mortified if you found out.

People who take on the lion’s share of hosting, at the request of others, do not deserve snark or cattiness. And if you get caught being snarky and catty in such a situation—yes, people are fallible, after all—you immediately call with a sincere apology, an explanation, and a promise to do better in the future. What you don’t do is reply with an emoji. MIL is clearly not “mortified” as she has taken no steps to apologize.

OP I suggest DH text MIL and SIL both, first a recording of the voice mail, and then a message—“Julie and I aren’t hosting this year, or going forward. We agree with you that Julie just isn’t up to it. We’ll show up with a pie, just let us know who will be hosting from now on.”

It's surprising to me how willing some people are to dial things up to 11. It sounds like OP enjoys hosting large family gatherings and that many people (cousins, etc, but probably also MIL and SIL) appreciate this. Should she stop hosting forever because MIL said one stupid thing? Should a long and generally good relationship with MIL be blown up over this? To what end? Also I will point out that SIL is getting some blame from OP and others here but hasn't actually done anything wrong.

If this is your perspective, why aren’t you asking: If they have a good relationship, why is MIL willing to jeopardize it over a mistake, instead of owning up to it and apologizing? Why is she hiding behind and emoji like a tween rather than picking up the phone and saying I know how that came across, and I am sorry and thank you so much for all you do to host. It’s so interesting that OP is the one who had something done to her, but you are putting it on OP to fix rather than on MIL. If it’s all so very simple, a simple apology should suffice, yes?

This x100
OP is the one hurt here. Why is it OP's responsibility to make things right

Ok. What should OP do if MIL doesn't make things right?

This is one of those situations where it's smart to ask yourself: do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? If OP can be right AND happy, great! But if she can't have both, she will need to decide. Yes, that will be on her.

NP. If MIL doesn’t make things right, then I think DH should make this very easy: “Upon reflection of your doubts that we can ‘pull this off,’ Sally and I have decided we can’t. We look forward to either you or Hillary hosting and we’ll take notes to see how it’s done. Let us know if you want us to bring a bottle of wine or a pie.”

Ridiculous.

dp It is not ridiculous. I wouldn't even celebrate with them if MIL doesn't make it right. I would do my own thing.

So shoot first and ask questions later? What’s so hard about calling MIL up or having the son do it to clarify what’s going on? There is zero harm in doing that.

You did not read what I wrote. IF mil does not make it right...meaning if after dh or op has talked to MIL and she still hasn't apologized than I would cancel. There is no way I would want them at my table knowing what they really think.

And btw, if it was really just a comment to make SIL feel better she would have waited until she actually talked to her rather than leave a message.

You assume she needs to make it right without knowing what was meant. Maybe approach this without a chip on the shoulder and an open heart. Will probably be a lot more successful that way.

What are you talking about? MIL knows exactly what she did by sending the embarrassed emoji. Why would anyone want to spend time with this type of 'family' Everything is good to your face and behind your back they are tearing you down. That isn't a 'chip on your shoulder' It is basic human decency to apologize when you say a mean comment to your family members. If they can't do that than no I do not want to spend time with a fake person.

Maybe read the OP and stop projecting your own issues. Per OP she has a good relationship and has been hosting dinners for years. And now people like you are suggesting to blow it all up and never see them again? Over an emoji and what could be a simple misunderstanding? How does that make sense? This isn’t you and your MIL we’re talking about.

Maybe you should read what I wrote too. I am not projecting as this scenario. It has nothing to do with me. If you go back you will see that op and her dh need to give his mom the opportunity to apologize for her actions. If she apologizes and I felt like hosting I would host. I would accept a sincere apology but, to be honest I wouldn't trust her again because she shared her true feelings.

But, if she did not apologize I wouldn't be a door mat anymore. I hate people who treat as if everything is great to your face but, their real feelings are different. Why would you want to be around those types of people just because they are family? No way!

Are you actually saying you have never in your life vented about anyone? You have never had a negative thought or feeling about anyone in your life? Every thought you have ever had about everyone in your family and close friend circle has always been 100% positive about everything they have ever done? I don't believe you. You are human too and not as perfect as you think you are. saying you wouldn't want to be around an imperfect person is ridiculous. Everyone has said / texted things that aren't 100% positive about people they love and care about. Get off your pedestal. You aren't perfect.

NP. If you do this, you better be damn sure you send your vent to the right person. I’ve seen people fired over mistakes like this. Someone at my company got an all-company message she didn’t like, meant to forward her vent to her friend, and instead replied all. Oops!

For sure. Work or not, I always triple check before I hit send if I think I am typing anything that someone might be hurt by. But I don't for a second think that there are people who have never vented to safe people about anyone in their life - even people they love. Their kids, spouse, parents, siblings, and in laws.

Obviously OP and her DH are venting to each other about all this. But normal people would ask for clarification before jumping off the deep end if they got a message they didn’t quite understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother in law. I’d try to just let this go.

Maybe next time you are together you can bring it up in a friendly way. “That voicemail you left - what was that comment about? If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings.”

In the scheme of things though, her comment wasn’t that awful. Taken in the most grace-giving light, it could be a comment on the intensity/work of hosting these things and not a referendum on you at all. With family, giving grace is generally a good thing.

OP here. Where’s the grace for me, who has once again said yes, when asked, to host multiple houseguests and do a ton of work for Thanksgiving? Where is my grace?

DH is really upset and said he is going to call his today. I think he’s more hurt than I am.

It comes when you f$& up, that’s how grace works! You’re talking about gratitude, which you also probably get for hosting, to your face. I mean good lord. This comment was a nothingburger and meant for someone else. You can’t go around with skin this thin.

Well apparently I’ve “f-ed up” by thinking I’m “up to hosting,” but I get no grace for any missteps I’ve made that no one has even told me about.

I honestly don’t get why you’re so upset about this. I would barely blink. It’s just a snarky comment between a mother and daughter. It doesn’t mean you made a misstep, in fact it probably means you do great and they’re just being catty about it. Either way, who cares? People are catty. They were wrong, but it’s just not a big deal. You weren’t supposed to hear it. I’m sure the MIL is mortified. If you give her a chance, there’s probably a better apology coming.

But if you’re really this upset about this comment, you might not be the easy breezy host you think you are. Because that’s a pretty high level of panty twist. I mean, “where’s my grace?” If I were your SIL in this situation, and I read dcum and that you said that, I would be making fun with my mother forever. And yes it would be wrong and I’d be mortified if you found out.

People who take on the lion’s share of hosting, at the request of others, do not deserve snark or cattiness. And if you get caught being snarky and catty in such a situation—yes, people are fallible, after all—you immediately call with a sincere apology, an explanation, and a promise to do better in the future. What you don’t do is reply with an emoji. MIL is clearly not “mortified” as she has taken no steps to apologize.

OP I suggest DH text MIL and SIL both, first a recording of the voice mail, and then a message—“Julie and I aren’t hosting this year, or going forward. We agree with you that Julie just isn’t up to it. We’ll show up with a pie, just let us know who will be hosting from now on.”

It's surprising to me how willing some people are to dial things up to 11. It sounds like OP enjoys hosting large family gatherings and that many people (cousins, etc, but probably also MIL and SIL) appreciate this. Should she stop hosting forever because MIL said one stupid thing? Should a long and generally good relationship with MIL be blown up over this? To what end? Also I will point out that SIL is getting some blame from OP and others here but hasn't actually done anything wrong.

If this is your perspective, why aren’t you asking: If they have a good relationship, why is MIL willing to jeopardize it over a mistake, instead of owning up to it and apologizing? Why is she hiding behind and emoji like a tween rather than picking up the phone and saying I know how that came across, and I am sorry and thank you so much for all you do to host. It’s so interesting that OP is the one who had something done to her, but you are putting it on OP to fix rather than on MIL. If it’s all so very simple, a simple apology should suffice, yes?

This x100
OP is the one hurt here. Why is it OP's responsibility to make things right

Ok. What should OP do if MIL doesn't make things right?

This is one of those situations where it's smart to ask yourself: do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? If OP can be right AND happy, great! But if she can't have both, she will need to decide. Yes, that will be on her.

NP. If MIL doesn’t make things right, then I think DH should make this very easy: “Upon reflection of your doubts that we can ‘pull this off,’ Sally and I have decided we can’t. We look forward to either you or Hillary hosting and we’ll take notes to see how it’s done. Let us know if you want us to bring a bottle of wine or a pie.”

Ridiculous.

dp It is not ridiculous. I wouldn't even celebrate with them if MIL doesn't make it right. I would do my own thing.

So shoot first and ask questions later? What’s so hard about calling MIL up or having the son do it to clarify what’s going on? There is zero harm in doing that.

You did not read what I wrote. IF mil does not make it right...meaning if after dh or op has talked to MIL and she still hasn't apologized than I would cancel. There is no way I would want them at my table knowing what they really think.

And btw, if it was really just a comment to make SIL feel better she would have waited until she actually talked to her rather than leave a message.

You assume she needs to make it right without knowing what was meant. Maybe approach this without a chip on the shoulder and an open heart. Will probably be a lot more successful that way.

What are you talking about? MIL knows exactly what she did by sending the embarrassed emoji. Why would anyone want to spend time with this type of 'family' Everything is good to your face and behind your back they are tearing you down. That isn't a 'chip on your shoulder' It is basic human decency to apologize when you say a mean comment to your family members. If they can't do that than no I do not want to spend time with a fake person.

Maybe read the OP and stop projecting your own issues. Per OP she has a good relationship and has been hosting dinners for years. And now people like you are suggesting to blow it all up and never see them again? Over an emoji and what could be a simple misunderstanding? How does that make sense? This isn’t you and your MIL we’re talking about.

Maybe you should read what I wrote too. I am not projecting as this scenario. It has nothing to do with me. If you go back you will see that op and her dh need to give his mom the opportunity to apologize for her actions. If she apologizes and I felt like hosting I would host. I would accept a sincere apology but, to be honest I wouldn't trust her again because she shared her true feelings.

But, if she did not apologize I wouldn't be a door mat anymore. I hate people who treat as if everything is great to your face but, their real feelings are different. Why would you want to be around those types of people just because they are family? No way!

Are you actually saying you have never in your life vented about anyone? You have never had a negative thought or feeling about anyone in your life? Every thought you have ever had about everyone in your family and close friend circle has always been 100% positive about everything they have ever done? I don't believe you. You are human too and not as perfect as you think you are. saying you wouldn't want to be around an imperfect person is ridiculous. Everyone has said / texted things that aren't 100% positive about people they love and care about. Get off your pedestal. You aren't perfect.

Where oh where did I say I was perfect? NO WHERE. If I was MIL I would have apologized once I my DIL reached out to me. If I had a good relationship I would have called her and told her how sorry I was for being mean. I would let her know that I hope we could get over my mistake.

In general, I do not gossip that way. It isn't that I am better it is just I am not wired that way. I am secure in myself that I don't need to tear anyone down. And in fact, when my mom tried to do that with my SIL I told her to stop.

If MIL can not apologize than we would have a problem

Given your sanctimonious attitude, I would guess most people in your life vent about you behind your back.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you are not that good of a cook or a host?

[Anonymous]

I can see myself doing this.

Sending a message to my sister saying "Matt (husband) says he is going to do the deck himself. Hope he can pull it off"

I can't imagine my husband would threaten divorce though if I accidentally sent it to him, he would probably be a bit confused and we would just talk about it. I don't get the people saying to cut her off and break family ties over this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you are not that good of a cook or a host?

MIL and SIL are free to decline the invitation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you are not that good of a cook or a host?

MIL and SIL are free to decline the invitation.

There wasn't an invitation. According to OP, MIL and SIL insisted that OP has to host and that they don't want to host as only OP has the house that can handle hosting for the family. So OP was voluntold to host.

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Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother in law. I’d try to just let this go.

Maybe next time you are together you can bring it up in a friendly way. “That voicemail you left - what was that comment about? If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings.”

In the scheme of things though, her comment wasn’t that awful. Taken in the most grace-giving light, it could be a comment on the intensity/work of hosting these things and not a referendum on you at all. With family, giving grace is generally a good thing.

OP here. Where’s the grace for me, who has once again said yes, when asked, to host multiple houseguests and do a ton of work for Thanksgiving? Where is my grace?

DH is really upset and said he is going to call his today. I think he’s more hurt than I am.

It comes when you f$& up, that’s how grace works! You’re talking about gratitude, which you also probably get for hosting, to your face. I mean good lord. This comment was a nothingburger and meant for someone else. You can’t go around with skin this thin.

Well apparently I’ve “f-ed up” by thinking I’m “up to hosting,” but I get no grace for any missteps I’ve made that no one has even told me about.

I honestly don’t get why you’re so upset about this. I would barely blink. It’s just a snarky comment between a mother and daughter. It doesn’t mean you made a misstep, in fact it probably means you do great and they’re just being catty about it. Either way, who cares? People are catty. They were wrong, but it’s just not a big deal. You weren’t supposed to hear it. I’m sure the MIL is mortified. If you give her a chance, there’s probably a better apology coming.

But if you’re really this upset about this comment, you might not be the easy breezy host you think you are. Because that’s a pretty high level of panty twist. I mean, “where’s my grace?” If I were your SIL in this situation, and I read dcum and that you said that, I would be making fun with my mother forever. And yes it would be wrong and I’d be mortified if you found out.

People who take on the lion’s share of hosting, at the request of others, do not deserve snark or cattiness. And if you get caught being snarky and catty in such a situation—yes, people are fallible, after all—you immediately call with a sincere apology, an explanation, and a promise to do better in the future. What you don’t do is reply with an emoji. MIL is clearly not “mortified” as she has taken no steps to apologize.

OP I suggest DH text MIL and SIL both, first a recording of the voice mail, and then a message—“Julie and I aren’t hosting this year, or going forward. We agree with you that Julie just isn’t up to it. We’ll show up with a pie, just let us know who will be hosting from now on.”

It's surprising to me how willing some people are to dial things up to 11. It sounds like OP enjoys hosting large family gatherings and that many people (cousins, etc, but probably also MIL and SIL) appreciate this. Should she stop hosting forever because MIL said one stupid thing? Should a long and generally good relationship with MIL be blown up over this? To what end? Also I will point out that SIL is getting some blame from OP and others here but hasn't actually done anything wrong.

If this is your perspective, why aren’t you asking: If they have a good relationship, why is MIL willing to jeopardize it over a mistake, instead of owning up to it and apologizing? Why is she hiding behind and emoji like a tween rather than picking up the phone and saying I know how that came across, and I am sorry and thank you so much for all you do to host. It’s so interesting that OP is the one who had something done to her, but you are putting it on OP to fix rather than on MIL. If it’s all so very simple, a simple apology should suffice, yes?

This x100
OP is the one hurt here. Why is it OP's responsibility to make things right

Ok. What should OP do if MIL doesn't make things right?

This is one of those situations where it's smart to ask yourself: do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? If OP can be right AND happy, great! But if she can't have both, she will need to decide. Yes, that will be on her.

NP. If MIL doesn’t make things right, then I think DH should make this very easy: “Upon reflection of your doubts that we can ‘pull this off,’ Sally and I have decided we can’t. We look forward to either you or Hillary hosting and we’ll take notes to see how it’s done. Let us know if you want us to bring a bottle of wine or a pie.”

Ridiculous.

dp It is not ridiculous. I wouldn't even celebrate with them if MIL doesn't make it right. I would do my own thing.

So shoot first and ask questions later? What’s so hard about calling MIL up or having the son do it to clarify what’s going on? There is zero harm in doing that.

You did not read what I wrote. IF mil does not make it right...meaning if after dh or op has talked to MIL and she still hasn't apologized than I would cancel. There is no way I would want them at my table knowing what they really think.

And btw, if it was really just a comment to make SIL feel better she would have waited until she actually talked to her rather than leave a message.

You assume she needs to make it right without knowing what was meant. Maybe approach this without a chip on the shoulder and an open heart. Will probably be a lot more successful that way.

What are you talking about? MIL knows exactly what she did by sending the embarrassed emoji. Why would anyone want to spend time with this type of 'family' Everything is good to your face and behind your back they are tearing you down. That isn't a 'chip on your shoulder' It is basic human decency to apologize when you say a mean comment to your family members. If they can't do that than no I do not want to spend time with a fake person.

Maybe read the OP and stop projecting your own issues. Per OP she has a good relationship and has been hosting dinners for years. And now people like you are suggesting to blow it all up and never see them again? Over an emoji and what could be a simple misunderstanding? How does that make sense? This isn’t you and your MIL we’re talking about.

Maybe you should read what I wrote too. I am not projecting as this scenario. It has nothing to do with me. If you go back you will see that op and her dh need to give his mom the opportunity to apologize for her actions. If she apologizes and I felt like hosting I would host. I would accept a sincere apology but, to be honest I wouldn't trust her again because she shared her true feelings.

But, if she did not apologize I wouldn't be a door mat anymore. I hate people who treat as if everything is great to your face but, their real feelings are different. Why would you want to be around those types of people just because they are family? No way!

Are you actually saying you have never in your life vented about anyone? You have never had a negative thought or feeling about anyone in your life? Every thought you have ever had about everyone in your family and close friend circle has always been 100% positive about everything they have ever done? I don't believe you. You are human too and not as perfect as you think you are. saying you wouldn't want to be around an imperfect person is ridiculous. Everyone has said / texted things that aren't 100% positive about people they love and care about. Get off your pedestal. You aren't perfect.

NP. Yes, I have vented and gossiped for sure. And when I’ve put my foot in my mouth because someone overheard or it got back to them, I put my hand up, say yes I did this and I am sorry, and it was rude of me to say that and I sincerely apologize. So no, none if this is about being perfect, but what it is about is being honest. Don’t ask for and/or accept someone’s hospitality with one side of your mouth, and make fun of them with the other. And if you do and you get caught, be a grownup and apologize, with words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you are not that good of a cook or a host?

Then why would OP and her husband be asked not only to host holidays, but rehearsal dinners and baby showers, etc.?

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Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you have a generally good relationship with your mother in law. I’d try to just let this go.

Maybe next time you are together you can bring it up in a friendly way. “That voicemail you left - what was that comment about? If I’m honest, it really hurt my feelings.”

In the scheme of things though, her comment wasn’t that awful. Taken in the most grace-giving light, it could be a comment on the intensity/work of hosting these things and not a referendum on you at all. With family, giving grace is generally a good thing.

OP here. Where’s the grace for me, who has once again said yes, when asked, to host multiple houseguests and do a ton of work for Thanksgiving? Where is my grace?

DH is really upset and said he is going to call his today. I think he’s more hurt than I am.

It comes when you f$& up, that’s how grace works! You’re talking about gratitude, which you also probably get for hosting, to your face. I mean good lord. This comment was a nothingburger and meant for someone else. You can’t go around with skin this thin.

Well apparently I’ve “f-ed up” by thinking I’m “up to hosting,” but I get no grace for any missteps I’ve made that no one has even told me about.

I honestly don’t get why you’re so upset about this. I would barely blink. It’s just a snarky comment between a mother and daughter. It doesn’t mean you made a misstep, in fact it probably means you do great and they’re just being catty about it. Either way, who cares? People are catty. They were wrong, but it’s just not a big deal. You weren’t supposed to hear it. I’m sure the MIL is mortified. If you give her a chance, there’s probably a better apology coming.

But if you’re really this upset about this comment, you might not be the easy breezy host you think you are. Because that’s a pretty high level of panty twist. I mean, “where’s my grace?” If I were your SIL in this situation, and I read dcum and that you said that, I would be making fun with my mother forever. And yes it would be wrong and I’d be mortified if you found out.

People who take on the lion’s share of hosting, at the request of others, do not deserve snark or cattiness. And if you get caught being snarky and catty in such a situation—yes, people are fallible, after all—you immediately call with a sincere apology, an explanation, and a promise to do better in the future. What you don’t do is reply with an emoji. MIL is clearly not “mortified” as she has taken no steps to apologize.

OP I suggest DH text MIL and SIL both, first a recording of the voice mail, and then a message—“Julie and I aren’t hosting this year, or going forward. We agree with you that Julie just isn’t up to it. We’ll show up with a pie, just let us know who will be hosting from now on.”

It's surprising to me how willing some people are to dial things up to 11. It sounds like OP enjoys hosting large family gatherings and that many people (cousins, etc, but probably also MIL and SIL) appreciate this. Should she stop hosting forever because MIL said one stupid thing? Should a long and generally good relationship with MIL be blown up over this? To what end? Also I will point out that SIL is getting some blame from OP and others here but hasn't actually done anything wrong.

If this is your perspective, why aren’t you asking: If they have a good relationship, why is MIL willing to jeopardize it over a mistake, instead of owning up to it and apologizing? Why is she hiding behind and emoji like a tween rather than picking up the phone and saying I know how that came across, and I am sorry and thank you so much for all you do to host. It’s so interesting that OP is the one who had something done to her, but you are putting it on OP to fix rather than on MIL. If it’s all so very simple, a simple apology should suffice, yes?

This x100
OP is the one hurt here. Why is it OP's responsibility to make things right

Ok. What should OP do if MIL doesn't make things right?

This is one of those situations where it's smart to ask yourself: do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? If OP can be right AND happy, great! But if she can't have both, she will need to decide. Yes, that will be on her.

NP. If MIL doesn’t make things right, then I think DH should make this very easy: “Upon reflection of your doubts that we can ‘pull this off,’ Sally and I have decided we can’t. We look forward to either you or Hillary hosting and we’ll take notes to see how it’s done. Let us know if you want us to bring a bottle of wine or a pie.”

Ridiculous.

dp It is not ridiculous. I wouldn't even celebrate with them if MIL doesn't make it right. I would do my own thing.

So shoot first and ask questions later? What’s so hard about calling MIL up or having the son do it to clarify what’s going on? There is zero harm in doing that.

You did not read what I wrote. IF mil does not make it right...meaning if after dh or op has talked to MIL and she still hasn't apologized than I would cancel. There is no way I would want them at my table knowing what they really think.

And btw, if it was really just a comment to make SIL feel better she would have waited until she actually talked to her rather than leave a message.

You assume she needs to make it right without knowing what was meant. Maybe approach this without a chip on the shoulder and an open heart. Will probably be a lot more successful that way.

What are you talking about? MIL knows exactly what she did by sending the embarrassed emoji. Why would anyone want to spend time with this type of 'family' Everything is good to your face and behind your back they are tearing you down. That isn't a 'chip on your shoulder' It is basic human decency to apologize when you say a mean comment to your family members. If they can't do that than no I do not want to spend time with a fake person.

Maybe read the OP and stop projecting your own issues. Per OP she has a good relationship and has been hosting dinners for years. And now people like you are suggesting to blow it all up and never see them again? Over an emoji and what could be a simple misunderstanding? How does that make sense? This isn’t you and your MIL we’re talking about.

Maybe you should read what I wrote too. I am not projecting as this scenario. It has nothing to do with me. If you go back you will see that op and her dh need to give his mom the opportunity to apologize for her actions. If she apologizes and I felt like hosting I would host. I would accept a sincere apology but, to be honest I wouldn't trust her again because she shared her true feelings.

But, if she did not apologize I wouldn't be a door mat anymore. I hate people who treat as if everything is great to your face but, their real feelings are different. Why would you want to be around those types of people just because they are family? No way!

Are you actually saying you have never in your life vented about anyone? You have never had a negative thought or feeling about anyone in your life? Every thought you have ever had about everyone in your family and close friend circle has always been 100% positive about everything they have ever done? I don't believe you. You are human too and not as perfect as you think you are. saying you wouldn't want to be around an imperfect person is ridiculous. Everyone has said / texted things that aren't 100% positive about people they love and care about. Get off your pedestal. You aren't perfect.

NP. Yes, I have vented and gossiped for sure. And when I’ve put my foot in my mouth because someone overheard or it got back to them, I put my hand up, say yes I did this and I am sorry, and it was rude of me to say that and I sincerely apologize. So no, none if this is about being perfect, but what it is about is being honest. Don’t ask for and/or accept someone’s hospitality with one side of your mouth, and make fun of them with the other. And if you do and you get caught, be a grownup and apologize, with words.

It’s not even clear she meant this meanly or viciously. If she didn’t then she won’t see the burning need for an apology. The emoji can just mean she was embarrassed to have messaged the wrong person. It happens and it’s sometimes benign like “I’m on my way” to the wrong person. Maybe embarrassing but not worthy of an apology, with words.