I’m breadwinner, dh asked me to help with side hustle

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08/28/2024 07:28

Subject: I’m breadwinner, dh asked me to help with side hustle

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Anonymous

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Anonymous wrote:I will full admit that if he were the breadwinner or even matched my salary, I wouid have zero issue being the default parent.

I am not ok with

Researching + piecing together summer camps
Doing forms and paperwork for camps
Paying for the camps out of my money
Noticing that the kids need new shoes and
Paying for the shoes out of my money

Sorry, if these are the tasks that are just *overwhelming* you I don’t think you ARE capable of being a high school level admin for him anyway. Seriously, researching camps takes like 10 minutes. Filling out the forms? 10 minutes x number of kids. “Noticing” the kids need shoes? 30 seconds? Then ordering a size up online is another 5 minutes x number of kids x number of half sizes their feet grow per year.

So generously we’re talking maybe three hours of effort per year, and you’re whining about it. It’s obviously just about the money. Sorry you’re not actually RHDC the princess you thought you were going to be 8 years ago…

Anyone who actually thinks researching camps is a 10 minute task is high, a crap parent, or has never actually looked into summer camps.

Medical forms take longer than that.

Shoes also take longer than that once a kid is over 5 and cares what kind of shoes they are wearing.

But I am guessing you know that and are just trolling.

No, I have three kids ages 8-14 who have always done summer camps and gone through countless pairs of shoes.

I believe that some of you can spend infinite time on these extremely simple tasks, but that does not make the tasks inherently time-consuming.

Maybe it’s because I’m a professional research scientist, but whenever someone describes “researching” summer camps as though it’s some arduous thing it is a red flag that they are some combination of inefficient and incompetent. I mean really, what exactly are you researching? My research consisted of 1) what camps are available near our house, 2) what are their hours, 3) which of those have space available for the weeks we need (summer break minus our vacation week), and 4) of those still standing which ones would the kids like best?

I cannot fathom how it would take longer than 10 minutes to fill out a medical form. I guess maybe if your kid has lots of allergies or is on a bunch of medications?

Shoes also aren’t difficult. Stride rite for the little kids and jordans for the older ones. My kids have big feet so we just order online. And this will probably blow your mind, but once kids are capable of looking stuff up on the internet (elementary school) you can just have them send you a link to the shoes they want. So there are maybe two or three years where a kid is old enough to care what shoes they’re wearing but unable to pick them out on their own. So for those cases I’ll concede that it’s maybe a 10-15 minute task. Happy?

But some of us care about our kids and what they like to do and the fact that they are much happier with certain conditions (e.g. access to indoor facilities for hot days) and enjoy going to camp with friends. None of that is strictly necessary but I consider it a good use of my time to find a camp that provides specific instruction they are looking for and to coordinate which weeks they will do various camps with their friends parents. I don’t find it particularly burdensome but it’s a task on my list like a number of things that I chose to do well.

If you don’t care I can understand how you could do camp sign up extremely quickly. Like giving your kid a happy meal for dinner every night. Easy peasy, right?

NP here. It’s not at all the same. I prioritize good nutrition. But with camps, we go with what we’ve heard is good through word of mouth. Or if someone asks us to join them for a week at a particular camp and my kid agrees, then I know exactly what to sign up for.

Similarly for shoes, as PP said, find a brand or two that fit your child and then just order from there. Or if your child comes home saying asking for X, then no research required, just buy X.

Some of you waste your life in researching and claim it makes you a “good parent” whereas in reality it makes you stressed out, snappy, and a terrible parent and spouse.

This! If you enjoy doing it, great. But happy, healthy, well adjusted children have been launched into the world without all of this.

When I did camp sign up, I will admit that I “counted” it on my side of the ledger. I have asked him to take on some of this researching/planning work. He does it in 1/10th of the time and while in the beginning I cringed at his lack of thinking about it, kids are happy, I am happy, so I leave it alone. Kids know to give him parameters up front otherwise they won’t get what they want. He doesn’t put endless options in front of them. And yet, the world keeps on turning. It’s amazing.

In OP’s case, the contempt is so strong that I don’t know if the marriage can be saved. But if she really wants to do it, I would suggest that she thinks about the things that have to be done - dinner, laundry, that kind of stuff and let some of the other things go. If her husband is employed full time, I just don’t think it’s fair to hold his lower salary against him. But most of all, it’s getting back to thinking about things as a partnership rather than only seeing the negatives. If you can’t do that (and it’s ok if you can’t), just divorce and spare yourself, him, and the kids the pain of an unhappy household.