Boyfriend telling me to pay for stuff

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

New poster. The bold above is important, I think. What changed?

What changed is he got tired of her constant freeloading and his hints about it didn’t work so he had to go with a blunt direct approach.

He’s 37. I’m not sure what 37 year old man thinks “dropping hints” about something as important as money is better than communicating openly and honestly.

He is 37. There is a reason why the good ones are taken by that age.

Op Oh god lol don’t make me feel worse! I’m 31! It’s not like I can date a 25 year old! Everyone I date will be in their 30s!

I think that might be an older opinion to have. I.e. when people got married in their late 20s, yes, single and 37 might be indicative of something being off. But people are getting older in their early 30s now, so 37 isn't that old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are SO young, honey. Break up with the dude. There are men in their 30s who know how to be happy.

(FWIW I think it's likely that the US may collapse within the next 10 years, but that makes me even more determined to eke joy out of my days!!!)

Whaaaat? Why

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks everyone. I am going to talk to him this week. If he wants to fix it/talk through the issue at hand rather than just be passive aggressive, great. If not, bye.

Please let us know how it goes. And OP, consider broadening the conversation (IF he's willing to have a conversation) because I would be concerned that if you get more serious and headed for marriage/kids, he will repeat this pattern, by nickel-and-diming you if you have kids, and somehow expecting kid expenses to be 50/50 or whatever. It can happen; I've seen threads along those lines here. And it creates a terrible dynamic of "there's you, there's me, there is no 'we'." If you have even the slightest thought that you might want to SAH for even a limited time--you need to know up front if he's going to support that sincerely, or only with lip service now and resentment later.

[Anonymous]

We're all focused on the paying for stuff aspect here, but--If he's actually serious about things collapsing in the next decade, however he defines that: I'd be concerned.

Is this just something he tossed off one day when he was pi$$ed about other stuff, or is it a theme he keeps repeating?

That has a strong whiff of whatever it is that turns regular guys toward feeling like victims, and searching for whatever "savior" is going to make them feel better about their victimhood. Could be scapegoating others, or refusing truly to commit to a partner, or engaging in destructive or reckless behaviors. I'm serious here. Consider whether he's blowing off steam or genuinely heading toward a "nothing matters" mindset which carries a lot of potential toxicity if he's in a relationship and a parent.

The fact that you even bring up this as an example of his overall negativity is really telling. He must mention this idea a lot. If that's the case, it doesn't bode well. There are so many ways now to feed this very negative mindset just by clicking online.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're all focused on the paying for stuff aspect here, but--If he's actually serious about things collapsing in the next decade, however he defines that: I'd be concerned.

Is this just something he tossed off one day when he was pi$$ed about other stuff, or is it a theme he keeps repeating?

That has a strong whiff of whatever it is that turns regular guys toward feeling like victims, and searching for whatever "savior" is going to make them feel better about their victimhood. Could be scapegoating others, or refusing truly to commit to a partner, or engaging in destructive or reckless behaviors. I'm serious here. Consider whether he's blowing off steam or genuinely heading toward a "nothing matters" mindset which carries a lot of potential toxicity if he's in a relationship and a parent.

The fact that you even bring up this as an example of his overall negativity is really telling. He must mention this idea a lot. If that's the case, it doesn't bode well. There are so many ways now to feed this very negative mindset just by clicking online.

I would especially be concerned by this if I wanted dc, tbh. He thinks the world is going to collapse...presumably he does not want to bring children into a world that will collapse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boy bye! That's all you need to say. Talking to him sounds futile. I doubt he is going to fix what is going to make you happy in this relationship and if he does fix it, it's probably only temporary. Have you read some of the unhappy spouses posting on other threads about how their significant other is depressed/won't help out/is stingy. You are not married yet and don't have any kids. Run!!!!!

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks everyone. I am going to talk to him this week. If he wants to fix it/talk through the issue at hand rather than just be passive aggressive, great. If not, bye.

DP here. If he has been paying for everything or almost everything for over a year, it seems reasonable for him to want OP to start paying. It deserves an adult conversation vs just being passive aggressive.

OP says she pays sometimes. Is it like he has paid for the past 150 times and you have paid 3x in a year. Or is it like he paid for 75 meals and op paid for 25 or 50.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks everyone. I am going to talk to him this week. If he wants to fix it/talk through the issue at hand rather than just be passive aggressive, great. If not, bye.

I mean, sure he can fix his behavior for a few weeks/months. But this whole concept is in him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boy bye! That's all you need to say. Talking to him sounds futile. I doubt he is going to fix what is going to make you happy in this relationship and if he does fix it, it's probably only temporary. Have you read some of the unhappy spouses posting on other threads about how their significant other is depressed/won't help out/is stingy. You are not married yet and don't have any kids. Run!!!!!

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks everyone. I am going to talk to him this week. If he wants to fix it/talk through the issue at hand rather than just be passive aggressive, great. If not, bye.

DP here. If he has been paying for everything or almost everything for over a year, it seems reasonable for him to want OP to start paying. It deserves an adult conversation vs just being passive aggressive.

OP says she pays sometimes. Is it like he has paid for the past 150 times and you have paid 3x in a year. Or is it like he paid for 75 meals and op paid for 25 or 50.

This is bean-counting. Score-keeping. Tit for tat. If he wants to share paying for things he needs to act like an adult and talk about it as a couple, not drop snarky hints.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I should add I am 31 and I'm starting to get scared. I don't want to be single but even I am (clearly, if I am posting here) starting to realize it might be time to call it quits and go back to being single, even at 31

It sounds like you don’t like each other very much.
If he is saying ‘this one’s on you’ he CLEARLY feels like you are a gold digger - how are you not seeing that? You say you split things equally but are you sure that’s true? That kind of comment is only made by a man who feels taken advantage of. And the other comments about his birthday suggest also some depression and just lack of shared excitement about him as a person. He may be feeling like you are settling for him as a sensible option financially and getting resentful and depressed and irritated about it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boy bye! That's all you need to say. Talking to him sounds futile. I doubt he is going to fix what is going to make you happy in this relationship and if he does fix it, it's probably only temporary. Have you read some of the unhappy spouses posting on other threads about how their significant other is depressed/won't help out/is stingy. You are not married yet and don't have any kids. Run!!!!!

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks everyone. I am going to talk to him this week. If he wants to fix it/talk through the issue at hand rather than just be passive aggressive, great. If not, bye.

DP here. If he has been paying for everything or almost everything for over a year, it seems reasonable for him to want OP to start paying. It deserves an adult conversation vs just being passive aggressive.

OP says she pays sometimes. Is it like he has paid for the past 150 times and you have paid 3x in a year. Or is it like he paid for 75 meals and op paid for 25 or 50.

This is bean-counting. Score-keeping. Tit for tat.

As if every woman on DCUM doesn't bean-count and keep score so she can be mad about how much more she does than her DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks everyone. I am going to talk to him this week. If he wants to fix it/talk through the issue at hand rather than just be passive aggressive, great. If not, bye.

Please let us know how it goes. And OP, consider broadening the conversation (IF he's willing to have a conversation) because I would be concerned that if you get more serious and headed for marriage/kids, he will repeat this pattern, by nickel-and-diming you if you have kids, and somehow expecting kid expenses to be 50/50 or whatever. It can happen; I've seen threads along those lines here. And it creates a terrible dynamic of "there's you, there's me, there is no 'we'." If you have even the slightest thought that you might want to SAH for even a limited time--you need to know up front if he's going to support that sincerely, or only with lip service now and resentment later.

Once married, he will quickly appreciate that every wife thinks, "my money is my money, but your money is our money."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I should add I am 31 and I'm starting to get scared. I don't want to be single but even I am (clearly, if I am posting here) starting to realize it might be time to call it quits and go back to being single, even at 31

It sounds like you don’t like each other very much.
If he is saying ‘this one’s on you’ he CLEARLY feels like you are a gold digger - how are you not seeing that? You say you split things equally but are you sure that’s true? That kind of comment is only made by a man who feels taken advantage of. And the other comments about his birthday suggest also some depression and just lack of shared excitement about him as a person. He may be feeling like you are settling for him as a sensible option financially and getting resentful and depressed and irritated about it

Maybe OP is cheap. We all know people like this. The ones who expect everyone else to pay for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boy bye! That's all you need to say. Talking to him sounds futile. I doubt he is going to fix what is going to make you happy in this relationship and if he does fix it, it's probably only temporary. Have you read some of the unhappy spouses posting on other threads about how their significant other is depressed/won't help out/is stingy. You are not married yet and don't have any kids. Run!!!!!

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks everyone. I am going to talk to him this week. If he wants to fix it/talk through the issue at hand rather than just be passive aggressive, great. If not, bye.

DP here. If he has been paying for everything or almost everything for over a year, it seems reasonable for him to want OP to start paying. It deserves an adult conversation vs just being passive aggressive.

OP says she pays sometimes. Is it like he has paid for the past 150 times and you have paid 3x in a year. Or is it like he paid for 75 meals and op paid for 25 or 50.

This is bean-counting. Score-keeping. Tit for tat.

As if every woman on DCUM doesn't bean-count and keep score so she can be mad about how much more she does than her DH.

(Andrew Tate enters the chat)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I should add I am 31 and I'm starting to get scared. I don't want to be single but even I am (clearly, if I am posting here) starting to realize it might be time to call it quits and go back to being single, even at 31

Do. Not. Settle.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of people are ignoring that he spent the first part of your relationship insisting that you *couldn't* pay for things or it would undermine his manhood, and now has shifted to demanding that you pay for things or you're the wrong kind of woman (golddigger).

But the overarching thing I'm getting from all of OP's posts is that she doesn't really love this guy, she's just worried about being single and 30+. That's no way to live, and there's a chance he realizes that the love isn't there and that's why he's being a jerk - lots of guys want you to break up with them because they can't initiate difficult conversations like "I don't think we have an emotional connection capable of sustaining a lifelong relationship." This guy can't even say "I know I told you when we first started dating that I never wanted you to pay, but it turns out that now that we're committed I'd like a more equal split" so he's not going to break up with his words.