Boyfriend telling me to pay for stuff

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, I'll be honest, I'm on OP's side. At the same time I don't really buy the notion some of you are selling that her BF is a bad person. Sounds like he wanted to treat her in the early days of dating and figured she'd eventually chip in more but OP took his words at face value and didn't (again, I'm on her side, I wouldn't either). In the grand scheme of things, this is harmless.

What is harmful is the passive aggressive stuff and the telling you "next round is on you." He didn't do that with the $200 dinner you mentioned, did he, OP? Because I'll be honest, if he did, THAT is shitty - $200 is a lot to spring on someone that they're paying for right then and there, and what if you had just paid a big bill that afternoon or something? Idk, I think the "next round is on you" stuff is the shittiest thing he's done.

That being said why don't you stop beating around the bush (and he needs to stop being PA) and just talk to him.

I just posted above that I have a friend who orders more expensive items when she knows I am paying. If op is ordering items for a $200 items, her expectation for the guy to pay could be a turn off to her boyfriend. Sure, the first few dates or months but it can get annoying for a guy too. I’m a woman.

When Dh and I started dating, he always paid. About a year in, he seemed to initiate dates less. I brought it up and he said it was getting expensive. He isn’t passive aggressive. I started buying more take out and we stayed in more. We eventually got married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, I'll be honest, I'm on OP's side. At the same time I don't really buy the notion some of you are selling that her BF is a bad person. Sounds like he wanted to treat her in the early days of dating and figured she'd eventually chip in more but OP took his words at face value and didn't (again, I'm on her side, I wouldn't either). In the grand scheme of things, this is harmless.

What is harmful is the passive aggressive stuff and the telling you "next round is on you." He didn't do that with the $200 dinner you mentioned, did he, OP? Because I'll be honest, if he did, THAT is shitty - $200 is a lot to spring on someone that they're paying for right then and there, and what if you had just paid a big bill that afternoon or something? Idk, I think the "next round is on you" stuff is the shittiest thing he's done.

That being said why don't you stop beating around the bush (and he needs to stop being PA) and just talk to him.

I just posted above that I have a friend who orders more expensive items when she knows I am paying. If op is ordering items for a $200 items, her expectation for the guy to pay could be a turn off to her boyfriend. Sure, the first few dates or months but it can get annoying for a guy too. I’m a woman.

When Dh and I started dating, he always paid. About a year in, he seemed to initiate dates less. I brought it up and he said it was getting expensive. He isn’t passive aggressive. I started buying more take out and we stayed in more. We eventually got married.

They haven't even been dating a year.

[Anonymous]

What’s the latest, OP?

[Anonymous]

Yuck. He's cheap and a nickel and dimer. Bad quality in a man. A man should want to treat you. A man should feel weird about you treating him.

I've been married 20+ years and DH and I both had nothing when we met but he always paid for everything. That meant a lot to me and still does. We both worked hard and now I outearn him 10 to 1 (I make $1M, he makes $100k). It doesn't matter now, because we're a family and everything goes into one pot. But I swear to God, the memory of him always paying, always treating me in those early years of our relationship is very meaningful to me. It wasn't that I wasn't ambitious or just wanted a man to pay for everything. I just loved the feeling of being adored, treated, and taken care of.

In the words of Chris Rock...nothing dries up a ***** more than reaching for her wallet.

True that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yuck. He's cheap and a nickel and dimer. Bad quality in a man. A man should want to treat you. A man should feel weird about you treating him.

I've been married 20+ years and DH and I both had nothing when we met but he always paid for everything. That meant a lot to me and still does. We both worked hard and now I outearn him 10 to 1 (I make $1M, he makes $100k). It doesn't matter now, because we're a family and everything goes into one pot. But I swear to God, the memory of him always paying, always treating me in those early years of our relationship is very meaningful to me. It wasn't that I wasn't ambitious or just wanted a man to pay for everything. I just loved the feeling of being adored, treated, and taken care of.

In the words of Chris Rock...nothing dries up a ***** more than reaching for her wallet.

True that.

Wow you are cheap a$$. We all know the type who constantly short arms the check or puts in $10 when her order was $75. How do people like you sleep at night? Always expect everyone else to pay for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend of just under a year has started telling me "I'll let you get this" or "Next round is on you" when we are out. To be clear, I am NOT the type of person who expects a man to pay for everything. If we are nickel and diming each other, I paid $200 for dinner last week and paid for a dinner last night (because I was the one who wanted to go out and picked the restaurant, so I offered to pay). It bothers me because I would never say to him, after paying for dinner, "Okay, next round is on you" because that just seems rude. Thoughts?

I would say "Oh really?" next time he says that. Maybe raise an eyebrow or say playfully "who said that?" or "when did we decide that?". Then next time you pay I'd make a big deal out of "I'll let you get the next one". Honestly though he sounds kind of like a douche that he's even doing this in the first place

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yuck. He's cheap and a nickel and dimer. Bad quality in a man. A man should want to treat you. A man should feel weird about you treating him.

I've been married 20+ years and DH and I both had nothing when we met but he always paid for everything. That meant a lot to me and still does. We both worked hard and now I outearn him 10 to 1 (I make $1M, he makes $100k). It doesn't matter now, because we're a family and everything goes into one pot. But I swear to God, the memory of him always paying, always treating me in those early years of our relationship is very meaningful to me. It wasn't that I wasn't ambitious or just wanted a man to pay for everything. I just loved the feeling of being adored, treated, and taken care of.

In the words of Chris Rock...nothing dries up a ***** more than reaching for her wallet.

True that.

100% and well said

[Anonymous]

I’m a guy who worked in marketing for a Fortune 10 company. 9 of the 10 bosses I had over the years were women. In today’s culture, it’s hard to tell guys to treat women as co-equals and superiors in the workplace but expect them to pick up the bulk of the checks in a dating context.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a guy who worked in marketing for a Fortune 10 company. 9 of the 10 bosses I had over the years were women. In today’s culture, it’s hard to tell guys to treat women as co-equals and superiors in the workplace but expect them to pick up the bulk of the checks in a dating context.

Why is that hard? Do you treat your boss the same way you treat your GF?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yuck. He's cheap and a nickel and dimer. Bad quality in a man. A man should want to treat you. A man should feel weird about you treating him.

I've been married 20+ years and DH and I both had nothing when we met but he always paid for everything. That meant a lot to me and still does. We both worked hard and now I outearn him 10 to 1 (I make $1M, he makes $100k). It doesn't matter now, because we're a family and everything goes into one pot. But I swear to God, the memory of him always paying, always treating me in those early years of our relationship is very meaningful to me. It wasn't that I wasn't ambitious or just wanted a man to pay for everything. I just loved the feeling of being adored, treated, and taken care of.

In the words of Chris Rock...nothing dries up a ***** more than reaching for her wallet.

True that.

Wow you are cheap a$$. We all know the type who constantly short arms the check or puts in $10 when her order was $75. How do people like you sleep at night? Always expect everyone else to pay for you.

I don't "always" expect "everyone" to pay for me. Just the man I'm sleeping with. Are you a man? I bet you're a hit with the ladies, making sure she splits that bill just right.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t date a man who insisted on paying. Major red flag. I want someone who sees me as an equal not as his dependent to take care of. I am also not going to be a traditional gender role wife making sure the house is spotless and he has a home cooked meal so I don’t want someone with traditional gender roles. Women are capable and competent adults and I don’t need a man to pay for my life. I don’t really have any respect for men who see women as children, needing to be looked after and taken care of and helped with basic adult tasks like buying a meal.

I don’t care at all about exact 50/50 or have any need to split, it should just be that neither cares who pays that time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t date a man who insisted on paying. Major red flag. I want someone who sees me as an equal not as his dependent to take care of. I am also not going to be a traditional gender role wife making sure the house is spotless and he has a home cooked meal so I don’t want someone with traditional gender roles. Women are capable and competent adults and I don’t need a man to pay for my life. I don’t really have any respect for men who see women as children, needing to be looked after and taken care of and helped with basic adult tasks like buying a meal.

I don’t care at all about exact 50/50 or have any need to split, it should just be that neither cares who pays that time.

It’s not that man should insist on paying - he shouldn’t care. In fact after a year of dating there should be a joint account for joint expenses where both contribute pro-rata their incomes. The fact he’s unable to discuss it in adult way and behaves like a douche shows how he handles budgeting, conflict etc in a relationship

And men and women are not truly equal. Women bear the burden and tax of childbirth and care. Men are not going to carry abc breastfeed babies for you. If a woman has 3 kids, it’s at a minimum 6 active years in labor force put on pause !

Yes, there are career women who make more than men. But women with kids usually don’t.