Boyfriend telling me to pay for stuff

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of people are ignoring that he spent the first part of your relationship insisting that you *couldn't* pay for things or it would undermine his manhood, and now has shifted to demanding that you pay for things or you're the wrong kind of woman (golddigger).

But the overarching thing I'm getting from all of OP's posts is that she doesn't really love this guy, she's just worried about being single and 30+. That's no way to live, and there's a chance he realizes that the love isn't there and that's why he's being a jerk - lots of guys want you to break up with them because they can't initiate difficult conversations like "I don't think we have an emotional connection capable of sustaining a lifelong relationship." This guy can't even say "I know I told you when we first started dating that I never wanted you to pay, but it turns out that now that we're committed I'd like a more equal split" so he's not going to break up with his words.

Yeah this is what gets me and I do think he was just trying to impress her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boy bye! That's all you need to say. Talking to him sounds futile. I doubt he is going to fix what is going to make you happy in this relationship and if he does fix it, it's probably only temporary. Have you read some of the unhappy spouses posting on other threads about how their significant other is depressed/won't help out/is stingy. You are not married yet and don't have any kids. Run!!!!!

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks everyone. I am going to talk to him this week. If he wants to fix it/talk through the issue at hand rather than just be passive aggressive, great. If not, bye.

DP here. If he has been paying for everything or almost everything for over a year, it seems reasonable for him to want OP to start paying. It deserves an adult conversation vs just being passive aggressive.

OP says she pays sometimes. Is it like he has paid for the past 150 times and you have paid 3x in a year. Or is it like he paid for 75 meals and op paid for 25 or 50.

This is bean-counting. Score-keeping. Tit for tat. If he wants to share paying for things he needs to act like an adult and talk about it as a couple, not drop snarky hints.

I posted before that many couples now go Dutch and married couples share expenses and Venmo one another back. This would not work for me but it works for other couples, including people with kids.

Like I said, it wouldn’t work for me. Then again, I’m a SAHM and my Dh earns a seven figure income. Before I stopped working, both our paychecks went into our joint bank account. I started off the marriage with a higher income and more savings but now I have no income at all. We never kept score.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend of just under a year has started telling me "I'll let you get this" or "Next round is on you" when we are out. To be clear, I am NOT the type of person who expects a man to pay for everything. If we are nickel and diming each other, I paid $200 for dinner last week and paid for a dinner last night (because I was the one who wanted to go out and picked the restaurant, so I offered to pay). It bothers me because I would never say to him, after paying for dinner, "Okay, next round is on you" because that just seems rude. Thoughts?

Sounds like he believes he pays for more than you overall and ks trying to balance the scales.

[Anonymous]

You're a modern woman who is independent and makes her own money but demands an old-fashion man who pays your way.

Get in line, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I should add I am 31 and I'm starting to get scared. I don't want to be single but even I am (clearly, if I am posting here) starting to realize it might be time to call it quits and go back to being single, even at 31

It sounds like you don’t like each other very much.
If he is saying ‘this one’s on you’ he CLEARLY feels like you are a gold digger - how are you not seeing that? You say you split things equally but are you sure that’s true? That kind of comment is only made by a man who feels taken advantage of. And the other comments about his birthday suggest also some depression and just lack of shared excitement about him as a person. He may be feeling like you are settling for him as a sensible option financially and getting resentful and depressed and irritated about it

Maybe OP is cheap. We all know people like this. The ones who expect everyone else to pay for them.

there could be many case scenarios but what I promise op is that people don't say 'this one's on you' if they haven't felt taken advantage of. They just don't. So in some way, on some level, you have created that scenario at least from his pov. It may be that your taste is more expensive than his and so where he wanted to be able to be chivalrous at the beginning, he wasn't expecting to have to spend at the level you expect. He is clearly resentful about something and irritated. What's on him, is not to articulate his feelings. That is actually the bigger issue. couples get mad at each other all the time, but resentment happens when it isn't spoken.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I should add I am 31 and I'm starting to get scared. I don't want to be single but even I am (clearly, if I am posting here) starting to realize it might be time to call it quits and go back to being single, even at 31

It sounds like you don’t like each other very much.
If he is saying ‘this one’s on you’ he CLEARLY feels like you are a gold digger - how are you not seeing that? You say you split things equally but are you sure that’s true? That kind of comment is only made by a man who feels taken advantage of. And the other comments about his birthday suggest also some depression and just lack of shared excitement about him as a person. He may be feeling like you are settling for him as a sensible option financially and getting resentful and depressed and irritated about it

Maybe OP is cheap. We all know people like this. The ones who expect everyone else to pay for them.

there could be many case scenarios but what I promise op is that people don't say 'this one's on you' if they haven't felt taken advantage of. They just don't. So in some way, on some level, you have created that scenario at least from his pov. It may be that your taste is more expensive than his and so where he wanted to be able to be chivalrous at the beginning, he wasn't expecting to have to spend at the level you expect. He is clearly resentful about something and irritated. What's on him, is not to articulate his feelings. That is actually the bigger issue. couples get mad at each other all the time, but resentment happens when it isn't spoken.

Dh and I are both generally very generous to our friends and family. There are people who we have hosted hundreds of times and love their company.

There is one family who just started rubbing us the wrong way. They don’t exactly take advantage of us since we invite them and pay for them. They never ever treat us. If we go somewhere, they can’t even pick up the take out. We have paid for them for so long that it seems odd to ask them to pay their half. We have picked up the bill or hosted them so much that it feels bad when they wil calculate our share that one time they initiate a dinner. Dh went out with them recently and of course Dh paid. I told Dh to start sending Venmo requests. Dh is a classy guy and probably won’t.

Who knows what kind of person OP is but it sounds like she hasn’t been paying for a whole year, granted the guy said he doesn’t want to be paid for by a woman.

[Anonymous]

OP your bf is a loser.

Dump him and find a real man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I should add I am 31 and I'm starting to get scared. I don't want to be single but even I am (clearly, if I am posting here) starting to realize it might be time to call it quits and go back to being single, even at 31

It sounds like you don’t like each other very much.
If he is saying ‘this one’s on you’ he CLEARLY feels like you are a gold digger - how are you not seeing that? You say you split things equally but are you sure that’s true? That kind of comment is only made by a man who feels taken advantage of. And the other comments about his birthday suggest also some depression and just lack of shared excitement about him as a person. He may be feeling like you are settling for him as a sensible option financially and getting resentful and depressed and irritated about it

Maybe OP is cheap. We all know people like this. The ones who expect everyone else to pay for them.

there could be many case scenarios but what I promise op is that people don't say 'this one's on you' if they haven't felt taken advantage of. They just don't. So in some way, on some level, you have created that scenario at least from his pov. It may be that your taste is more expensive than his and so where he wanted to be able to be chivalrous at the beginning, he wasn't expecting to have to spend at the level you expect. He is clearly resentful about something and irritated. What's on him, is not to articulate his feelings. That is actually the bigger issue. couples get mad at each other all the time, but resentment happens when it isn't spoken.

Dh and I are both generally very generous to our friends and family. There are people who we have hosted hundreds of times and love their company.

There is one family who just started rubbing us the wrong way. They don’t exactly take advantage of us since we invite them and pay for them. They never ever treat us. If we go somewhere, they can’t even pick up the take out. We have paid for them for so long that it seems odd to ask them to pay their half. We have picked up the bill or hosted them so much that it feels bad when they wil calculate our share that one time they initiate a dinner. Dh went out with them recently and of course Dh paid. I told Dh to start sending Venmo requests. Dh is a classy guy and probably won’t.

Who knows what kind of person OP is but it sounds like she hasn’t been paying for a whole year, granted the guy said he doesn’t want to be paid for by a woman.

Unless this is your blood relatives, just stop hanging out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I should add I am 31 and I'm starting to get scared. I don't want to be single but even I am (clearly, if I am posting here) starting to realize it might be time to call it quits and go back to being single, even at 31

It sounds like you don’t like each other very much.
If he is saying ‘this one’s on you’ he CLEARLY feels like you are a gold digger - how are you not seeing that? You say you split things equally but are you sure that’s true? That kind of comment is only made by a man who feels taken advantage of. And the other comments about his birthday suggest also some depression and just lack of shared excitement about him as a person. He may be feeling like you are settling for him as a sensible option financially and getting resentful and depressed and irritated about it

Maybe OP is cheap. We all know people like this. The ones who expect everyone else to pay for them.

there could be many case scenarios but what I promise op is that people don't say 'this one's on you' if they haven't felt taken advantage of. They just don't. So in some way, on some level, you have created that scenario at least from his pov. It may be that your taste is more expensive than his and so where he wanted to be able to be chivalrous at the beginning, he wasn't expecting to have to spend at the level you expect. He is clearly resentful about something and irritated. What's on him, is not to articulate his feelings. That is actually the bigger issue. couples get mad at each other all the time, but resentment happens when it isn't spoken.

Dh and I are both generally very generous to our friends and family. There are people who we have hosted hundreds of times and love their company.

There is one family who just started rubbing us the wrong way. They don’t exactly take advantage of us since we invite them and pay for them. They never ever treat us. If we go somewhere, they can’t even pick up the take out. We have paid for them for so long that it seems odd to ask them to pay their half. We have picked up the bill or hosted them so much that it feels bad when they wil calculate our share that one time they initiate a dinner. Dh went out with them recently and of course Dh paid. I told Dh to start sending Venmo requests. Dh is a classy guy and probably won’t.

Who knows what kind of person OP is but it sounds like she hasn’t been paying for a whole year, granted the guy said he doesn’t want to be paid for by a woman.

She said in her op that she paid $200 for dinner last weekend and that she paid for a dinner this past weekend. Plus whatever round her bf said was on her. It sounds like she is paying just not as frequently as he is. Which, I wouldn't offer frequently either if a guy told me women didn't have to pay. You wanna lie to impress me? You don't have to tell me twice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I should add I am 31 and I'm starting to get scared. I don't want to be single but even I am (clearly, if I am posting here) starting to realize it might be time to call it quits and go back to being single, even at 31

It sounds like you don’t like each other very much.
If he is saying ‘this one’s on you’ he CLEARLY feels like you are a gold digger - how are you not seeing that? You say you split things equally but are you sure that’s true? That kind of comment is only made by a man who feels taken advantage of. And the other comments about his birthday suggest also some depression and just lack of shared excitement about him as a person. He may be feeling like you are settling for him as a sensible option financially and getting resentful and depressed and irritated about it

Maybe OP is cheap. We all know people like this. The ones who expect everyone else to pay for them.

there could be many case scenarios but what I promise op is that people don't say 'this one's on you' if they haven't felt taken advantage of. They just don't. So in some way, on some level, you have created that scenario at least from his pov. It may be that your taste is more expensive than his and so where he wanted to be able to be chivalrous at the beginning, he wasn't expecting to have to spend at the level you expect. He is clearly resentful about something and irritated. What's on him, is not to articulate his feelings. That is actually the bigger issue. couples get mad at each other all the time, but resentment happens when it isn't spoken.

Dh and I are both generally very generous to our friends and family. There are people who we have hosted hundreds of times and love their company.

There is one family who just started rubbing us the wrong way. They don’t exactly take advantage of us since we invite them and pay for them. They never ever treat us. If we go somewhere, they can’t even pick up the take out. We have paid for them for so long that it seems odd to ask them to pay their half. We have picked up the bill or hosted them so much that it feels bad when they wil calculate our share that one time they initiate a dinner. Dh went out with them recently and of course Dh paid. I told Dh to start sending Venmo requests. Dh is a classy guy and probably won’t.

Who knows what kind of person OP is but it sounds like she hasn’t been paying for a whole year, granted the guy said he doesn’t want to be paid for by a woman.

She said in her op that she paid $200 for dinner last weekend and that she paid for a dinner this past weekend. Plus whatever round her bf said was on her. It sounds like she is paying just not as frequently as he is. Which, I wouldn't offer frequently either if a guy told me women didn't have to pay. You wanna lie to impress me? You don't have to tell me twice!

It sounds like her paying is only recent unless I have followed OP incorrectly. It sounds like the guy paid for a year and is now wanting OP to start paying, which she is. I don’t know if he is less into her, in a worse financial state or OP has been taking advantage. Who knows?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I should add I am 31 and I'm starting to get scared. I don't want to be single but even I am (clearly, if I am posting here) starting to realize it might be time to call it quits and go back to being single, even at 31

It sounds like you don’t like each other very much.
If he is saying ‘this one’s on you’ he CLEARLY feels like you are a gold digger - how are you not seeing that? You say you split things equally but are you sure that’s true? That kind of comment is only made by a man who feels taken advantage of. And the other comments about his birthday suggest also some depression and just lack of shared excitement about him as a person. He may be feeling like you are settling for him as a sensible option financially and getting resentful and depressed and irritated about it

Maybe OP is cheap. We all know people like this. The ones who expect everyone else to pay for them.

there could be many case scenarios but what I promise op is that people don't say 'this one's on you' if they haven't felt taken advantage of. They just don't. So in some way, on some level, you have created that scenario at least from his pov. It may be that your taste is more expensive than his and so where he wanted to be able to be chivalrous at the beginning, he wasn't expecting to have to spend at the level you expect. He is clearly resentful about something and irritated. What's on him, is not to articulate his feelings. That is actually the bigger issue. couples get mad at each other all the time, but resentment happens when it isn't spoken.

Dh and I are both generally very generous to our friends and family. There are people who we have hosted hundreds of times and love their company.

There is one family who just started rubbing us the wrong way. They don’t exactly take advantage of us since we invite them and pay for them. They never ever treat us. If we go somewhere, they can’t even pick up the take out. We have paid for them for so long that it seems odd to ask them to pay their half. We have picked up the bill or hosted them so much that it feels bad when they wil calculate our share that one time they initiate a dinner. Dh went out with them recently and of course Dh paid. I told Dh to start sending Venmo requests. Dh is a classy guy and probably won’t.

Who knows what kind of person OP is but it sounds like she hasn’t been paying for a whole year, granted the guy said he doesn’t want to be paid for by a woman.

She said in her op that she paid $200 for dinner last weekend and that she paid for a dinner this past weekend. Plus whatever round her bf said was on her. It sounds like she is paying just not as frequently as he is. Which, I wouldn't offer frequently either if a guy told me women didn't have to pay. You wanna lie to impress me? You don't have to tell me twice!

It sounds like her paying is only recent unless I have followed OP incorrectly. It sounds like the guy paid for a year and is now wanting OP to start paying, which she is. I don’t know if he is less into her, in a worse financial state or OP has been taking advantage. Who knows?

DP how is it taking advantage by not paying for a guy who said he would never let her pay for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I should add I am 31 and I'm starting to get scared. I don't want to be single but even I am (clearly, if I am posting here) starting to realize it might be time to call it quits and go back to being single, even at 31

It sounds like you don’t like each other very much.
If he is saying ‘this one’s on you’ he CLEARLY feels like you are a gold digger - how are you not seeing that? You say you split things equally but are you sure that’s true? That kind of comment is only made by a man who feels taken advantage of. And the other comments about his birthday suggest also some depression and just lack of shared excitement about him as a person. He may be feeling like you are settling for him as a sensible option financially and getting resentful and depressed and irritated about it

Maybe OP is cheap. We all know people like this. The ones who expect everyone else to pay for them.

there could be many case scenarios but what I promise op is that people don't say 'this one's on you' if they haven't felt taken advantage of. They just don't. So in some way, on some level, you have created that scenario at least from his pov. It may be that your taste is more expensive than his and so where he wanted to be able to be chivalrous at the beginning, he wasn't expecting to have to spend at the level you expect. He is clearly resentful about something and irritated. What's on him, is not to articulate his feelings. That is actually the bigger issue. couples get mad at each other all the time, but resentment happens when it isn't spoken.

Dh and I are both generally very generous to our friends and family. There are people who we have hosted hundreds of times and love their company.

There is one family who just started rubbing us the wrong way. They don’t exactly take advantage of us since we invite them and pay for them. They never ever treat us. If we go somewhere, they can’t even pick up the take out. We have paid for them for so long that it seems odd to ask them to pay their half. We have picked up the bill or hosted them so much that it feels bad when they wil calculate our share that one time they initiate a dinner. Dh went out with them recently and of course Dh paid. I told Dh to start sending Venmo requests. Dh is a classy guy and probably won’t.

Who knows what kind of person OP is but it sounds like she hasn’t been paying for a whole year, granted the guy said he doesn’t want to be paid for by a woman.

She said in her op that she paid $200 for dinner last weekend and that she paid for a dinner this past weekend. Plus whatever round her bf said was on her. It sounds like she is paying just not as frequently as he is. Which, I wouldn't offer frequently either if a guy told me women didn't have to pay. You wanna lie to impress me? You don't have to tell me twice!

It sounds like her paying is only recent unless I have followed OP incorrectly. It sounds like the guy paid for a year and is now wanting OP to start paying, which she is. I don’t know if he is less into her, in a worse financial state or OP has been taking advantage. Who knows?

DP how is it taking advantage by not paying for a guy who said he would never let her pay for him.

I wrote this upthread but paying your half and paying for him are different.

I have one friend who is financially worse off than me. I almost always pay for her. What irks me is that when she knows I am paying, she orders many expensive items off the menu. If she were paying for herself (not treating me), there is no way she would order all those items because it would cost too much for her. See the difference? I don’t need her to pay for me but I don’t like to feel like she is taking advantage because I am buying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I should add I am 31 and I'm starting to get scared. I don't want to be single but even I am (clearly, if I am posting here) starting to realize it might be time to call it quits and go back to being single, even at 31

It sounds like you don’t like each other very much.
If he is saying ‘this one’s on you’ he CLEARLY feels like you are a gold digger - how are you not seeing that? You say you split things equally but are you sure that’s true? That kind of comment is only made by a man who feels taken advantage of. And the other comments about his birthday suggest also some depression and just lack of shared excitement about him as a person. He may be feeling like you are settling for him as a sensible option financially and getting resentful and depressed and irritated about it

Maybe OP is cheap. We all know people like this. The ones who expect everyone else to pay for them.

there could be many case scenarios but what I promise op is that people don't say 'this one's on you' if they haven't felt taken advantage of. They just don't. So in some way, on some level, you have created that scenario at least from his pov. It may be that your taste is more expensive than his and so where he wanted to be able to be chivalrous at the beginning, he wasn't expecting to have to spend at the level you expect. He is clearly resentful about something and irritated. What's on him, is not to articulate his feelings. That is actually the bigger issue. couples get mad at each other all the time, but resentment happens when it isn't spoken.

Dh and I are both generally very generous to our friends and family. There are people who we have hosted hundreds of times and love their company.

There is one family who just started rubbing us the wrong way. They don’t exactly take advantage of us since we invite them and pay for them. They never ever treat us. If we go somewhere, they can’t even pick up the take out. We have paid for them for so long that it seems odd to ask them to pay their half. We have picked up the bill or hosted them so much that it feels bad when they wil calculate our share that one time they initiate a dinner. Dh went out with them recently and of course Dh paid. I told Dh to start sending Venmo requests. Dh is a classy guy and probably won’t.

Who knows what kind of person OP is but it sounds like she hasn’t been paying for a whole year, granted the guy said he doesn’t want to be paid for by a woman.

She said in her op that she paid $200 for dinner last weekend and that she paid for a dinner this past weekend. Plus whatever round her bf said was on her. It sounds like she is paying just not as frequently as he is. Which, I wouldn't offer frequently either if a guy told me women didn't have to pay. You wanna lie to impress me? You don't have to tell me twice!

It sounds like her paying is only recent unless I have followed OP incorrectly. It sounds like the guy paid for a year and is now wanting OP to start paying, which she is. I don’t know if he is less into her, in a worse financial state or OP has been taking advantage. Who knows?

DP how is it taking advantage by not paying for a guy who said he would never let her pay for him.

I wrote this upthread but paying your half and paying for him are different.

I have one friend who is financially worse off than me. I almost always pay for her. What irks me is that when she knows I am paying, she orders many expensive items off the menu. If she were paying for herself (not treating me), there is no way she would order all those items because it would cost too much for her. See the difference? I don’t need her to pay for me but I don’t like to feel like she is taking advantage because I am buying.

OP said it’s her BF who prefers and insists on eating out all the time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, by staying with him you are blocking your own chance of finding someone better. And being single is better than being with the wrong person. Ask me how I know. He’s not going to get better with age and time. Break up with him today and start your new, better life tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

So, I'll be honest, I'm on OP's side. At the same time I don't really buy the notion some of you are selling that her BF is a bad person. Sounds like he wanted to treat her in the early days of dating and figured she'd eventually chip in more but OP took his words at face value and didn't (again, I'm on her side, I wouldn't either). In the grand scheme of things, this is harmless.

What is harmful is the passive aggressive stuff and the telling you "next round is on you." He didn't do that with the $200 dinner you mentioned, did he, OP? Because I'll be honest, if he did, THAT is shitty - $200 is a lot to spring on someone that they're paying for right then and there, and what if you had just paid a big bill that afternoon or something? Idk, I think the "next round is on you" stuff is the shittiest thing he's done.

That being said why don't you stop beating around the bush (and he needs to stop being PA) and just talk to him.