Boyfriend telling me to pay for stuff

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would talk to him about it first before dumping him. Give it 30 days. If he continues, next.

No. She does not need to parent this guy. The communication style is the issue. She does not need to waste years of her fertility to fix him. Tell him the problem when you break up, OP. He can fix it or not, on his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you typical offer to get the next round or pay the next time. Are you more or less paying for half of all the dates and activities and expenses you have?

I can see someone doing this if they feel their boyfriend or girlfriend is letting them pick up the bill more often. It’s kind of what people say when they feel taken advantage of.

If you do pay half the time, then it’s a very odd thing to say.

I don’t pay half the time, I pay about a quarter of the time, most recently last night. This is because early on in dating he wouldn’t let me pay and dramatically refused every offer so I stopped offering. Then every few months he’s been passive aggressive about it.

To be perfectly honest, he makes over double what I make and he prefers to eat out. If he expects me to go 50-50 that’s not happening with the current level of him saying he wants to eat out every night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The issue is not the money. The issue is the communication style, which is rude and arrogant and avoids give and take.

After a year you should have had a discussion about when and how each of you is picking up the tab for certain things. "You pay for the trips, I pay for the meals" (Whatever). Your boyfriend is attempting to have that discussion by fiat by telling you when to pay. That is a huge red flag.

After a year, things like this should be working smoothly. This is the kind of thing that happens after six weeks of dating.

Well, after six weeks of dating my boyfriend was still saying things like “I would never let a woman pay for me” and dramatically refusing every offer I made to offer to pay. So I stopped offering entirely until a few months later when he made a passive aggressive comment about I never offer to pay. I said “you said you didnt believe in women paying for you” to which he said “well I think you’ve taken advantage of that.” So, I started paying for things more and he seemed fine with that until a month ago at which point the behavior described in my op started.

It’s really just a matter of he went from “real men don’t let women pay for them” to now telling me when to pay for him and I’m pissed off because each step of the way he just seethed and was passive aggressive about it.

The more you share, the more immature he sounds. I usually try to find a way to look at relationship conflicts within a context of working out things and normal relationship knots, but when someone throws out different ideas of what they expect, putting you in a double bind (Men pay! No you are using me if men pay!) and essentially has no clear expectations, a core of trust can’t exist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Neither of you sound like a catch based on these posts.

I mean all she’s done is not pay for a guy who said he didn’t believe in women paying and then get mad when he told her to pay on the spot. I don’t see the problem on her end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The issue is not the money. The issue is the communication style, which is rude and arrogant and avoids give and take.

After a year you should have had a discussion about when and how each of you is picking up the tab for certain things. "You pay for the trips, I pay for the meals" (Whatever). Your boyfriend is attempting to have that discussion by fiat by telling you when to pay. That is a huge red flag.

After a year, things like this should be working smoothly. This is the kind of thing that happens after six weeks of dating.

Well, after six weeks of dating my boyfriend was still saying things like “I would never let a woman pay for me” and dramatically refusing every offer I made to offer to pay. So I stopped offering entirely until a few months later when he made a passive aggressive comment about I never offer to pay. I said “you said you didnt believe in women paying for you” to which he said “well I think you’ve taken advantage of that.” So, I started paying for things more and he seemed fine with that until a month ago at which point the behavior described in my op started.

It’s really just a matter of he went from “real men don’t let women pay for them” to now telling me when to pay for him and I’m pissed off because each step of the way he just seethed and was passive aggressive about it.

The more you share, the more immature he sounds. I usually try to find a way to look at relationship conflicts within a context of working out things and normal relationship knots, but when someone throws out different ideas of what they expect, putting you in a double bind (Men pay! No you are using me if men pay!) and essentially has no clear expectations, a core of trust can’t exist.

Yes exactly! That is my issue. Well, that and the fact that it’s just rude? I was texting my best friend about this last night and was like, can you imagine me being on a date with a guy, I pay the bill, look him dead in the eye and say “okay, next round is on you”? No, because that’s just rude.

[Anonymous]

If this is new behavior, it indicates some pent up resentment and he doesn’t think you are “chipping in” nearly as much as you think you are.

[Anonymous]

Yep, this is a flag. Either talk to him about it, leave him, or deal with it for the rest of your life. Co-mingling finances with this guy will only get worse.

I also wish I would have not ignored red flags in my relationship. It is not the end of the world, but I probably would have/should have left. But I didn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh what a turnoff.

OP, any other problematic traits? There have to be others.

Yes. Really the worst of it is that he is one of the most negative human beings I have ever met. For example, his birthday was a couple weeks ago and when he called me after work I was like "Happy birthday!" and his response was "I'm 37 and old and life has no meaning anymore." Wtf?

He just always has something negative to say about his own life, society at large (he literally thinks America is ending and will cease to exist in the next ten years...) or others.

The other is that he is constantly giving feedback when I don't want feedback and am just venting. For example I will say "Ugh, my boss was so rude today about XYZ" and instead of saying "that sucks I'm sorry" he will say "You should ask her about ABC" (which 9 times out of ten I already have, I am just venting). Although in fairness to him, this is a male trait in general, I think?

So what are his redeeming qualities that keep you with him?

The demanding you pay for things to me could be a you problem— he has been feeling you don’t contribute enough.

The Eeyore routine is a red flag and probably won’t get better without serious therapy. I wouldn’t be with someone like that. So why are YOU?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend of just under a year has started telling me "I'll let you get this" or "Next round is on you" when we are out. To be clear, I am NOT the type of person who expects a man to pay for everything. If we are nickel and diming each other, I paid $200 for dinner last week and paid for a dinner last night (because I was the one who wanted to go out and picked the restaurant, so I offered to pay). It bothers me because I would never say to him, after paying for dinner, "Okay, next round is on you" because that just seems rude. Thoughts?

This would bother me too and not sure he is going to change regardless of talking about it. I would try but, in the end break up over something like this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this is new behavior, it indicates some pent up resentment and he doesn’t think you are “chipping in” nearly as much as you think you are.

Then he needs to talk about it like a big boy.

[Anonymous]

He wants to make a change to your financial arrangement and this is how he’s bringing it up. It’s not great. He gets a C-.

If you love him, I would say “hey, I’m fine with us sharing expenses equally but I don’t love this dynamic where you tell me what to buy, can we talk about it?”

See how he handles that. There are endless apps and things you could use to track and split costs.

[Anonymous]

He’s showing you his true colors, and they aren’t pretty.

Don’t get into the mindset that at 31 you need to dig into a relationship like this.

Explain your thoughts on it (how he started out with money, how he is now, how you’re happy to cook at home, etc) and if he’s defensive…get out.

[Anonymous]

I’ve dated men like this. They are losers. One demanded I pay for half his phone bill because we talk a lot on the phone (that was early 2000s). One wanted me to pay his gas because he drove me around once on a date despite me driving him most of the time. I am glad I didn’t end up with them! I broke up with one at 29. I got married at 33 to a wonderful man who would never say those things, tit for tat, positive and a good father, and we both treated each other equally. You have time - don’t settle for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this is new behavior, it indicates some pent up resentment and he doesn’t think you are “chipping in” nearly as much as you think you are.

Then he needs to talk about it like a big boy.

Oh I agree. I am just pointing it out.

She does seem more concerned about the money itself than the communication pattern though.

[Anonymous]

Also, OP, “just under a year” is not enough investment in a guy. I would dump him over the communication and the chronic negativity.