Boyfriend telling me to pay for stuff

[Anonymous]

Thank you, next! It's an easy no, OP. He's setting the tone. If you continue seeing him and the relationship leads to marriage you know exactly what you're getting. He'll most be more of a problem than anything else.

[Anonymous]

I would talk to him about it first before dumping him. Give it 30 days. If he continues, next.

[Anonymous]

You're obviously not pulling your weight financially. Picking up a token bill here or there is not cutting it and he's telling you that you need to do more. You're an adult in your 30's, go 50/50.

[Anonymous]

Money will always be an issue, it will cause resentment. Either have a serious talk with him or break up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh what a turnoff.

OP, any other problematic traits? There have to be others.

Yes. Really the worst of it is that he is one of the most negative human beings I have ever met. For example, his birthday was a couple weeks ago and when he called me after work I was like "Happy birthday!" and his response was "I'm 37 and old and life has no meaning anymore." Wtf?

He just always has something negative to say about his own life, society at large (he literally thinks America is ending and will cease to exist in the next ten years...) or others.

The other is that he is constantly giving feedback when I don't want feedback and am just venting. For example I will say "Ugh, my boss was so rude today about XYZ" and instead of saying "that sucks I'm sorry" he will say "You should ask her about ABC" (which 9 times out of ten I already have, I am just venting). Although in fairness to him, this is a male trait in general, I think?

Run!! And don’t look back.

[Anonymous]

What does he have going for him

[Anonymous]

Break up now, it will only get worse.

[Anonymous]

The issue is not the money. The issue is the communication style, which is rude and arrogant and avoids give and take.

After a year you should have had a discussion about when and how each of you is picking up the tab for certain things. "You pay for the trips, I pay for the meals" (Whatever). Your boyfriend is attempting to have that discussion by fiat by telling you when to pay. That is a huge red flag.

After a year, things like this should be working smoothly. This is the kind of thing that happens after six weeks of dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh what a turnoff.

OP, any other problematic traits? There have to be others.

Yes. Really the worst of it is that he is one of the most negative human beings I have ever met. For example, his birthday was a couple weeks ago and when he called me after work I was like "Happy birthday!" and his response was "I'm 37 and old and life has no meaning anymore." Wtf?

He just always has something negative to say about his own life, society at large (he literally thinks America is ending and will cease to exist in the next ten years...) or others.

The other is that he is constantly giving feedback when I don't want feedback and am just venting. For example I will say "Ugh, my boss was so rude today about XYZ" and instead of saying "that sucks I'm sorry" he will say "You should ask her about ABC" (which 9 times out of ten I already have, I am just venting). Although in fairness to him, this is a male trait in general, I think?

Married life is going to throw so much at you. There will be times when money is tight, when a parent is sick, the kids are acting up, chaos at work, etc. You want to be with someone that lets say what sucks at the moment, can make you laugh and see the humor, and then helps you solve the problem together. Going home to a negative nelly is not fun after a stressful day.

It’s better to be single than to live with a negative person.

[Anonymous]

Do you typical offer to get the next round or pay the next time. Are you more or less paying for half of all the dates and activities and expenses you have?

I can see someone doing this if they feel their boyfriend or girlfriend is letting them pick up the bill more often. It’s kind of what people say when they feel taken advantage of.

If you do pay half the time, then it’s a very odd thing to say.

[Anonymous]

He’s a loser, dump him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The issue is not the money. The issue is the communication style, which is rude and arrogant and avoids give and take.

After a year you should have had a discussion about when and how each of you is picking up the tab for certain things. "You pay for the trips, I pay for the meals" (Whatever). Your boyfriend is attempting to have that discussion by fiat by telling you when to pay. That is a huge red flag.

After a year, things like this should be working smoothly. This is the kind of thing that happens after six weeks of dating.

Well, after six weeks of dating my boyfriend was still saying things like “I would never let a woman pay for me” and dramatically refusing every offer I made to offer to pay. So I stopped offering entirely until a few months later when he made a passive aggressive comment about I never offer to pay. I said “you said you didnt believe in women paying for you” to which he said “well I think you’ve taken advantage of that.” So, I started paying for things more and he seemed fine with that until a month ago at which point the behavior described in my op started.

It’s really just a matter of he went from “real men don’t let women pay for them” to now telling me when to pay for him and I’m pissed off because each step of the way he just seethed and was passive aggressive about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're obviously not pulling your weight financially. Picking up a token bill here or there is not cutting it and he's telling you that you need to do more. You're an adult in your 30's, go 50/50.

Maybe I’m spoiled but I’ve never had this issue with other boyfriends. I had a boyfriend who made less than me and he insisted on paying almost every time we went out. And I would offer and he would occasionally accept but like, I’ve never had a relationship where it was 50-50 and it was never a problem. I didn’t think it was a problem in this relationship because early on I would offer and he would make a big stink about how men shouldn’t let women pay for them and he would never make me pay for anything. As I type this I am now realizing he likely said that to lock the relationship down.

If my boyfriend is telling me to do more than I would appreciate him saying how much more he expects me to do, rather than just being passive aggressive about it.

[Anonymous]

Neither of you sound like a catch based on these posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I should add I am 31 and I'm starting to get scared. I don't want to be single but even I am (clearly, if I am posting here) starting to realize it might be time to call it quits and go back to being single, even at 31

Do it. I met my husband at 32. My friend met her husband at 38. Another at 41. (All of us met them online.) Two of us have kids.

The guy you describe is worse than being single. He’ll weigh you down. You’ll always wonder if you could have done better. (You can.)